UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
I find myself in a much better place this mornin. Getting my house cleaned, things done…just in a better mood altogether. I sure wish this would last.
Questy,
Your post as well as oxy’s provokes some thought about the initial contact with a spath.
My daughter and I were having coffee this morning, talking about isolation (she is four months out from her relationshit with her bf spath), and how she doesn’t want to hang out with ANYONE that she knew because they are all toxic. At her age, it’s not altogether surprising, given that most of her “friends” are barely out of age 21 and partying every weekend, passing out at various friends homes, etc. She’s been sort of on a public sabbatical for awhile now, recovering. Her ability to overcome things and her perspectives on what is healthy and not, amaze me. Anyway, yesterday we had the WEIRDEST thing happen while at the grocery story. It was simultaneous for BOTH of us and we were completely freaked out. My daughter is very beautiful. She dresses well and has a very happy personality. This shows wherever she goes. She’s lots of fun. So we’re just happily chatting about what to get, minding our own business, when this REALLY good looking guy is “monitoring” her….he ran into something in the aisle turning his head to stare at her….before our experiences with a spath, this would have been totally funny…..but it wasn’t to us. It was flat creepy. I’ve heard many in here talk about the predatory stare. This was it like I’ve never seen it. He continued to follow us around the store, “mysteriously stalking” us down aisles and the way he stared at her and his behavior was so outright spath it wasn’t funny, it was scary. When he looked at her again, I stopped, had her keep going and i STARED RIGHT BACK and the look was NOT a pleasant one either. He quickly turned around and walked off.
Bastard!
So we talked about our radar again today and how we are BOTH Affected, how it’s changed. There was just something that sent us both into hypervigilant mode. That was the STRANGEST experience we’ve both ever had at the same time in public.
That was an obvious one, but I will never forget that stare.
It’s just plain damned scary.
Ll
“While it is possible for people to change their behaviors, at the same time, I think the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so expecting someone to change, to be different, to develop a moral compass when they haven’t had one well into middle age is frankly not realistic IMHO.”
Oxy, this is an interesting statement and one I’m reflecting on. BTW what does IMHO mean?
If that statement is true, does is also not apply to those like myself who were involved in an immoral relationshit? This is something I’m thinking about when and if I meet new others and a relatonship becomes close, even in a friendship. Personally, I wouldn’t want to lie about my past, but I also know that when I tell it, it’s not going to look so ‘moral” and the person would wonder and perhaps say the same things to themselves “Past behavior is a predictor of future behavior”.
ONe of my best friends in the whole world is HIV. Sordid past. Been with many men. But she changed her life. All of it. She told me that after she learned that she had HIV, it turned her life completely around. She knew she would have to tell a potential new partner about her status. She also shared that in doing so, some men simply got up and walked out on her if they had a date or two. She was upfront right away. Then a man came along that didn’t walk away. He stayed and he’s been there for seven years now. This is a little like what I’m talking about. I don’t think past behavior is necessarily a reflection of future behavior in a lot of cases, with regards to the psychopath, yes, but what I would look for are other elements involved if I thought I was dating one that would be a dead give away, IE: he uses the victim ploy or he speaks BADLY about his ex’s. That’s a red flag that was IMMEDIATE that I blew off. He never took responsibility for his past issues, it was always someone else’s FAULT. I’m not sure this is a highly accurate predictor for everyone.
LL
Just wondering how to get past that one.
LL
Hi Oxy,
You make reference to Mel Gibson’s tape and I do not dispute what he sounds like. I don’t reach the same conclusions that others have. My problem is that it’s out of context.
I have yelled at my husband. I told him I wish I were a man so I could be the holy s#! out of him. I wished I were able to knock that Fn smirk so far down his gullet that he could suck his hemorroids.
If someone recorded me, it would be easy for someone to conclude I am a very violent person. But the truth is my husband did a massive mindfk on my child and then boasted about it. As a mom, I was a LION. Manipulation after manipulation and I would ‘take it’ but mess with my kid….
Was my mask removed? Showed my evil spathyness?
Last night I watched 48 hrs mystery. It showed Alec McNaughton, a man convicted of murdering his wife. At first he looked so likeable and personable. But it was footage of his interviews and court testimony that revealed him as an spath, and in order to see it, you had to view several minutes of different interviews in order to identify the Classic signs like we see here on lovefraud.
Perhaps I am defensive of Mr Gibson b/c of my own screaming fit, but at the time I did it, I was feeling flustrated at being manipulated and abused and no control to stop my husband from doing the same mindfn to my daughter.
Your other examples reveal not just sounds bites, but they reveal their lies and deceptions. Mr Gibson did not reveal lies. He was a jerk towards her but we don’t know what she did to him, except that his words were recorded and put out for all the world to judge.
My question is, how do we discern when a short recording shows the personality disorder under the mask? Or once that tape is out there, how do we protect ourselves from others who want to say, “see, her husband is right! She IS the crazy b!#@h who is violent and tried to kill her husband!”
Quest, I really am having so many aha moments I found myself bringing my lunch in here and eating at the computer. I read your post turned off computer, and then it sunk it. OMG
Hello to Oxy, LL and everyone.
I believe I was subjected to gaslighting my entire 25 year marriage. I have been processing this for more than 3 years thinking even before while I was still married to him that he had some kind of personality change. NO! He just took the mask off and fought me with everything he had because I had started standing up to him.
The interesting thing about spath husband is he has always been VERY observant. One thing he and I did successfully together was to get my autistic daughter out of a bad living situation into a good one. We would ride around in the car and brainstorm. He seemed to understand what they at the “institution were up to” Why? Because the administrator and her demon assistant were full blown spaths. I guess it takes one to know one. Not only did we get my daughter out of her situation and into a great one, but the administrator got fired.
I would have a very long post so am going to just give you that and a couple of examples. He would let me talk and talk, just like recent boy friend did. There were two places that I talked…..in the car when I had his undivided attention and was talking towards his good ear, and late at night when he was playing solitare on the computer (later changed to porn) I would lay on the single bed that was in that room and free associate. I realize now that what I was doing was thinking out loud.
The rest of the time he either ignored me, drove me nuts with passive aggressive stunts or at times verbally abused me.
He would say the oddest things sometimes, like “TTS you just have a facade, you are a player. ” Years later I would call what he did double speak. If I ever pointed out something to him, he would tell me that I was the one who was guilty. PROJECTION.
Well of course he was a master at projection. What I just realized today though was that MAYBE IT WASN’T ACTUALLY PROJECTION. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was trying to drive me crazy, ruin my confidence, make me more dependent on him than I already was, doubt myself or explain myself.
By the end of the marriage he was the quiet one, I was the screamer. I felt that if I wasn’t being heard I had to yell. My blood pressure was high. Now it is on the low side of normal and has been for sometime. My anger was off the chart.
Before that though, he just day by day chipped away at my confidence. Because my mother had a weight issue and was always trying to control mine, I would rebel. I slowly gained weight. He not only didn’t mind but drove me to the fast food places while I talked to him. He sabotaged me. The SOB did this for absolutely no reason that I can see. He had nothing to gain by doing this.
Where all out war was declared was when I went to court and fought for the house that he felt he was entitled too.
By the way, I do have a weight issue, which I am working on, but I am not ugly. When I described what he did to me that last night in calling me ugly, I looked in the mirror the next day and was shaken. I have dated since then normal guys who didn’t think I was ugly, but rather were attracted to me. For whatever reason those short lived relationships didn’t stick (sometimes they were married and didn’t say so until I had the first date with them) BUT……the spath I dated tried to level my self-esteeem….”Yes I know you are overweight, but I love you anyway.” Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeem!
If any good came out of dating spath and I believe it did, it was for me to finally take a really good look at my marriage.
It wasn’t my fault. It was there’s.
TTS
Katy,
I’d like to jump in on this one, if it’s okay.
I understand COMPLETELY what you’re saying. I use to do the same thing to spath. I was an outraged, cussing lunatic maniac. I did that because I was PROVOKED. It wasn’t until I was out of the relationshit that I was able to see that he LOVED it. He loved getting a reaction out of me it was one of his MAJOR control methods. I had to ask myself if this is something I would do or the way I would behave with others? No. Simple. Oh sure, you have the occasional yelling at your kid kinda stuff, but NOTHING like the OUTRAGE it was with my spath.
As far as Mel Gibson goes, this is purely a matter of speculation, given that none of us know the man personally, BUT there have been interviews with others who have worked with Mr. Gibson that were not all glowing about him and his temper and abusiveness. He also has a criminal record, I think for a DUI in which he made disparaging comments about Jews. He is also an alcoholic.
He’s so spathy, from MY perspective, I don’t feel clueless about it now. Also, it doesn’t mean that his ex girlfriend is not herself a spath. I can’t say for sure, but there IS something fishy about her too. Who knows? But even with the soundbites on those tapes, coupled with his behaviors the last several years, is not someone who is outraged like we were outraged. You have to see the WHOLE picture, not just the sound bite 🙂
I hope that helps, Katy
LL
Katy,
I think most of us here have been reduced to the crazy-screaming bitch wife. It’s what they DO and what they WANT. They want our emotions.
I tried to tell my spath sister that her husband is a spath who is planning to kill her. I explained to her that they have red flags and one of them is how they blow up in anger but a very short while later, it’s like it never happened. She had told my mom that she had noticed it and found it very peculiar that while she was still suffering an emotional, Aaron acted like nothing had happened. She had said, “he doesn’t stay mad for long”.
So this is typical, but in that situation, they will both be raging. But with the Mel tapes, it was only him raging and she was refusing to engage in an emotional display. Further more we have evidence that he knocked her teeth out. so…
LL,
those are my questions too. How do you know someone is capable of change? Well, they have to want to change and the spaths don’t want to – they think they’re perfect already. But many times they lie and say they will change and want to change, just to string us along. That’s the hard part. You have to watch and wait to observe further behavior. It takes patience, there is no magic bullet. Meanwhile it’s important to reserve our emotional investment (and other investmentsS$$$) until the proof is in the pudding.
If I found out that you were dating another married man, I would be worried! But I know you have changed and your reasoning skills have improved so you won’t make the same mistake.
TTS
You’re awesome!
LL
Sky?
Um, no. Won’t be making that same STOOOOPID mistake again.
I compare it to having a criminal background morally.
UGH!!
LL
lesson learned , you will have to get used to that I’m afraid . That may have been spooky but as time goes on you will find that you will adjust to it . Meaning you will have these moments of instant recognition of a psychopath . Unfortunately they are not all that obvious all the time . I suspect that age may have something to do with it . A young psychopath may not have perfected the art of hiding in plain view . If you think about that little incident you just had you will probably realise that you recognised him , but also realise that he probably realised that the two of you had recognised him as well . I have been in a similar situation where a psychopathic woman entered the bar where I was having a beer with a couple of friends . I happened to glance up right into her eyes just at the right moment . I recognised her condition immediately . She also realised that I had recognised her for what she was and the expression in her eyes turned hostile before our eye contact was lost to the crowd . Two of the waitresses who know me as the guy who always talks about psychopaths were standing not far from where I sat . I beckoned to them and they came over . I told them there was a psychopath in the bar and challenged them to see if they could spot them . There were about 40 people in the bar and I did not tell them whether they were looking for a male or female . Within 10 minutes they both returned with the same woman identified .
Skylar, Mel Gibson knocked her teeth out? WHOA! But it’s that extra info that provides context, as does the testimonies of other employees. Just the tape alone does not do it for me, the tape which she secretly records (and knows to keep her mouth shut, yet it is released for the world to hear?)
LL, A cheating spouse is like having a Morally criminal background… that says it so simply and completely.