UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Quest,
You bring up a concern that I have. To deal with my spath, I took on some of his traits. And I became paranoid (to protect myself from attacks) So yes, I catch myself staring at people to see if they are a threat, and I don’t reveal myself at all in casual conversation. Someone said I was hard to get to know b/c I was vague.
Now I wonder if healthy people would id me as an spath… weirdo that I am!
Questy.
I understand they are not obvious. What I once regarded as unfortunate is not necessarily anymore after that encounter. It’s FORTUNATE that it seems there is a spath around every corner. They hypervigilance bugged me, but after yesterday,I realized that it’s not a bad thing in the slightest.
There is a mexican Restaurant that my daughter, her bf and I frequent. It has an adjacent bar, but I REFUSE to sit in it. Know why? There are SEVERAL spaths in there that have approached me before. I didn’t recognize it as anything more than just annoying flattery, now i recognize it for what it was and is. I’m not implying that everyone in that old fave bar of mine is/was spath, but a lot of them ARE and I don’t mean full blown either, but with definite traits and that damned stare. Some without the obvious “stare” are more obvious in behavior. I can pick it up immediately. I use to be afraid of it. I no longer am. I think it’s shifted to nauseating.
I’m also discovering something else. The fear of seeing my spath. It is not a fear necessarily anymore of seeing him with his new gf, but more of the repulsive fear I have. Hard to describe. Right now, I’m so angry, not sure I’d not like to go up and slap him, while also fearing him.
ANother thing that occurred to me last night as I thought about this. What a psychopaths perceptions are of others. There is much discussion here about how a spath views others as objects. So say a spath sees someone as relatively attractive, or even not, or wait for that matter, ANYONE, what is registering in their brains? If they see a pretty woman, is the response the same as it would be to a healthy person? such as “Wow she’s super hot” or would it simply be from the perspective of “Perfect victim!”
Do you see what I’m getting at here?
LL
Katy,
I SO GET THAT! BUt it’s relatively clear upon “getting to know you” that you are NOT spathy. lol! I prefer to see you as self protective. And there is not a damned thing wrong with that!
LL
LL, Thank you. You are also awesome. For the record I had a brief affair with a married man. He found me on Classmates.com and had known me since Jr. High. He is the one who commented on the light going out or something. He seemed to recognized the control I had been under and compared it to when he had a business that had burned down. I also had an online emotional affair while still married. Whenever I talked about these things on other boards, I felt the judgment. Yours is double the problem because the man is a spath.
I needed to find out that I was still attractive because my husband was the spath.
Quest said:
“The anger may not be directed at the victim but the psychopath will be watching the potential victim to see what the reaction is .”
This statement is what got me this morning. My ex H was not much of a talker but an observer. He verbally abused his younger sister from the time I first knew him. His character was flawed. I was the type of person who if I found a wallet would find the owner or take it to the police. He would come home with “found money” sometimes that I have no idea where he got it.
I am just so tired myself of trying to control other people. I guess that is the problem with being involved in these type of relationships. There is so much drama. I admit I liked it when he talked to his extended family about what someone was doing. I was an only child with a non-verbal autistic child.
I am not morally bankrupt though. I am honest, caring, try to be fair, and will stand up for what is right. I still want to be that way. The LARGEST PROBLEM I HAD WAS FEELING THE NEED TO CONSTANTLY EXPLAIN MYSELF. I don’t know where I got in the cycle of needing to talk to him or with him. If he wasn’t attacking me or defending himself from me who wanted to get rid of his hoard of stuff……he withdrew to the bedroom and pouted. SILENT TREATMENT. I hate the silent treatment. I hate being hung up on. My daughter would be home and he would be the one who could take us somewhere or talk together as a family BUT NO…..he had to go in the other room and pout.
TTS
katydid . we all know about the psychopathic stare and yes there is the psychopathic victim stare as well . The two are obviously different but unfortunately most people would not recognise that difference . When me and the x split I definitely had that paranoid psychopathic victim stare as I was bound and determined that I was not going to run into one of those again . Being shut down by a force that you cannot see or cannot explain is actually fairly terrifying . Once I realised that it was the gas lighting that did it the fear was gone . Realising this connection is the problem . Reading my O like umbrella story may not make you realise the connection between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism . Hopefully this story will plant a seed , such that the next time you get shut down by something you will be aware of it happening . Once you become aware of the shut down mechanism happening in your own mind it should be a life changing event . For me the realisation was dramatic enough , but as the days passed the significance of the realisation really sank in .
LL-I was the one he cheated on wife with. I had low self esteem and he started out as a friend and gave me the usual lying BS story and I was fool and naive enough to believe and now I feel almost brainwashed-like I was outside my damn mind. There were times I wanted to take my own life over the guilt that I felt over my part in it. Thank God I’m still here. I got the whole routine: he said”you are the love of my life. My wife and I have only been platonic for years. She only only wants to spend my money. We have no chemistry and have had no sex for years. I am the only man who will never hurt you. I will always take care of you. I have never dreamed of stepping out on her before but I know that I can’t let you get away cuz it will be the biggest mistake of my life. BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT,BULLSHIT,BULLSHIT,BULLSHIT,BULLSHIT! Did I say bullshit? The real story: he married his best friend who happened to be really plain but had all the same goals for status as he did. I was actually the 4th affair that he had behind her back. He likes nice pretty naive brunettes who will fall for his shit-one of them was actually one of his medical students, who he snuck into the hospital for sex in his call room and almost lost his job for it. His marriage was in fact sexless because he had put his dick inside so many younger women that his wife was probably nauseated and afraid to get anywhere near him. Thankfully I left the relationship w/o any diseases. I was told that he had unprotected sex behind my back when he was out of town as well and then came straight home to my bed. How much of an ass was I that it surprised me. His wife again took him back after she found out about it after completely turning my life upside down. She did a spectacular job of making me pay. She told me that she didn’t want to lose that lifestyle that she had and that’s fine for her. I did learn that there are people with lower self esteem than mine. I don’t blame her for wanting to make me pay but I am forgiven and it’s something that I never did before him and I won’t ever do again. I was so angry for so long that I had to drop out of the police academy because he left. The bottom line is-I will be a much better cop later for what I learned about myself from it. Although I have major qualities that will make me a great officer, there was a problem that I wasn’t able to trust myself completely and it freaked me out.
When I came back to lovefraud, nolongernaive was my name and it fit perfectly. I still don’t know how it recently got changed but oh well.
That, LL is my story, in a nutshell and I have complete faith in you that you WILL get through this. All I can say is thank God for vibrators and having the real thing may have to wait til there’s a ring on my finger-and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Quest,
Yes, I do get the connection between gas lighting and shutdown, but admit I have to THINK about it to realize it happened. It isn’t a 1-2 realization yet.
I had attributed the same cause/effect as how Stockholm syndrome worked on me. Do you think the mechanics are similar?
2becop!!
WOW!! Our thinking is similar on this issue!! ANd ya know what? The same BULLSHIT stories you got, were almost WORD FOR WORD what I got. I think mine was telling the truth in that he and his wife weren’t having sex. BECAUSE HE WITHHELD IT! He did it to me too. She also was disgusted by him. I was disgusted too. His daily behaviors that I believed were quirks or eccentric to say the least were ENTIRELY spathy. He coudn’t even HIDE the behaviors. His wife divorced him and he got WORSE after the divorce!! What a BASTARD!!!
Looking back, I cannot BELIEVE I allowed what I did. I’m still in the shock stage. I can’t take it back and am working on forgiving myself. It’s HARD WORK!!!! Interesting isn’t it though 2cop? Did you ever think he’d not cheat on you like he cheated on his wife? WOW! I thought he wouldn’t. HOw narcissistic was I to believe THAT? That’s also a real source of humiliation. Truthfully, I didn’t think of his wife too much during the relationshit. There were moments when I wasn’t so fucked up in the brainwashing that I would ask him, “Why don’t you go home and work it out?” Same response “Too much work” WTF? Well, DUH!! Anyway, I bought into ALL of his bullshit and he constantly had to keep lying and lying and lying in order for me to buy into more of it. It’s like a spider creating the web waiting for the fly….I was the fly over and over and over again….I can’t believe I allowed it. Bastard!
Chica, I’m totally NOT opposed to vibrators and have quite the nice one in fact. And I completely agree. Wouldn’t THAT be something? I’ve thought about it often. A reformed “virgin” 🙂
No sex till marriage. ALthough at this point, forget a relationshit, don’t even KNOW if I would entertain getting married again…
I’m sort of going into a bitch mode of sorts. I’m so tired of feeling “Nice” or that I have to kiss someone’s ass.
TTS, I completely understand what you’re saying about having to explain yourself. I have done that over and over. There is something to be said for just being reserved. I choose to be that way now outside of this blog, or only giving up details to those I would trust, a professional or really super close friends and even they don’t really get it. That comes from my childhood, having to explain myself. I’m use to giving out information about myself to the core of me without reservation. It will be interesting to explore where that really comes from in my childhood and why. I understand what you’re saying about other boards as well. But having said that, I never really felt I could find healing or acceptance there because revelations of the OW would give instant judgment and there was definitely a “clique” group going on. Not even those on the Narc board got it. It isn’t nearly close to what I hear here. If you can’t be honest about yourself, what you are aware of at the time, there is no point in going further. IN fact, it can be more poisonous to us than not. I don’t think everyone here likes or accepts me either, but if they don’t, I just “sense” it and that’s okay. That’s life, I think. Not everyone is going to “like” us. It’s a great learning curve for me, because as a child it was the constant dislike button. I’m use to it, but it also explains a lot of the behaviors I had going into adulthood and some I still deal with and need to work on. I’m learning to be okay with that. If someone doesn’t like me? Well here’s a hearty fuck you 🙂
I’m glad you’re on this board TTS. I also think your honesty is so courageous! Only in honesty will healing be found. I validate your efforts in doing so. It says a lot about you.
Thanks for sharing 2cop. I think you’ll make a great cop and in fact, might even assist you better in dealing with the criminal population as well as victims of DV that you may well run into!
LL
Katy
I really like you. The more you post, the more I see so much wisdom in what you share. You’re also a pretty strong woman. As the wife of a spath who has been cheated on, and what I feel I represent to you (only me here, not you, chica), I’m really grateful for the lessons I’m learning from your perspective. Your experiences are important in helping me understand what my spath might have done to his wife. Wherever they go,whatever they do and whomever they’re with, it’s a certainty that they’re creating havoc and destroying lives.
Just wanted to share that.
LL
Oh, Akitameg!!!
Where are you chica? Just thinkin about you and hoping you’re doing okay today. Look forward to hearing from you!
LL