UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
nolarn2bcop:
Your post sounds classic for this subject. I think Quest explains the predatory hijacking of your reasoning by your spath. Wanna know how he was so good at it? Because he had his wife to use as a lab rat.
Glad you’ve come back. You and LL share similar feelings b/c you were OW, but remember it was HIS poisonous spathy that created all the drama, even from the wife. And he started it way back in the guise of friendship, predatory seduction. Being OW was just the method he used to manipulate and guilt trip in order to CONTROL you. The ONLY difference b/t you and the wives is that you had one huge red flag to warn you. There wasn’t one for the wife. Everything else, how he made you feel, pitting women against each other, that’s ALL to feed his EGO. He got goodies (a source to feed his ego on), the women got their hearts and lives shredded.
I had a therapist once tell me that wives have three choices, they can leave, they can go crazy, or they commit suicide (most commit suicide, or rather it’s MURDER BY SUICIDE). nolarn2bcop… your spath’s wife went the crazy route. I did for a while until, by the grace of God, I left – VERY hard to do when I was so sure I was crazy and unable to care for myself. Try to forgive the wife for what she did to you Erin, she’s stuck in HIS crazymaking world.
ps Ladies. Yes, as the wife I no longer wanted sex with my husband b/c I learned he frequented glory holes in San Francisco. If YOUR husband was going to bath houses for sex, would YOU feel horny for him?
As usual, he told the “poor pitful me” story and left out the ONE important detail that changed the entire story.
katydid . I have to admit that I am not that familiar with stockholm syndrome although I had heard of it . I just checked out wikipedia and there do seem to be similarities for sure, but whether its exactly the same I couldn’t say . In the stockholm syndrome case the situation is obvious . Gaslighting is done covertly . The effect on the mind may however be the same in the end but the big difference in my mind is that in the SS case the victims side with there captors . When dealing with a psychopath you become afraid of them as the abuse is on going .
lesson learned . what a psychopath is looking for is a victim . Personally I do not think that it matters whether they look good or not . Maybe I will rephrase that . The victim aspect is more important than the good looks but I guess if you are psychopath looking for a victim maybe a good looking victim is more desirable . Some of them don’t seem to care about which sex they go after , so who knows .
Katy,
I do understand the other side of the fence here, which is quite ironic. My exP hubby would come home with what I now refer to as “sticky dick”, smelling like sex and alcohol. Yea, REAL turn on. NOT! I didn’t know at the time, however, suspected, that he was having sex with the woman down the street. Of all the OW’s he had, she was the ONE I didn’t pity or feel badly about. She was simply a reflection of how deeply ill he was. She was a diagnosed psychopath herself and as a result her children were removed from her care. She would carry on with my exP, having sex with her, as well as having sex with other women at the same time. Brought to my attention by my daughter, who was only ten at the time, they failed to close the back dining room blinds. She was traumatized. I was traumatized by her traumatization. I booted his ass out. Naturally, when their relationshit soured, I took him back. Brilliant move on my part.
Looking back on THAT, there were MANY traumas in the marriage, one right after another. My believing in exPOS, his “friendship” to me evolved over the course of two years, and actually the MOST traumatic time was occurring in getting out of the marriage when exP was the most violent and stalking. Thank God for ex BFF who took him off my hands. I swear to GOD that woman saved my life and given what my survival skills were at the time (NOT GOOD), and the incredible traumas I suffered at his hands, I was so frightened and so ALONE (exP’s fam and mine had deserted me alone with the children, sick and no income), it is not at all surprising that I was more than vulnerable. I need to forgive myself for all of that. I was so sick myself at the time all of this was going on, I wasn’t in my right mind, if I ever had one and that’s completely safe for me to say. I did the most atrocious things, felt the most atrocious things….it’s amazing that A. I walked out of the marriage alive and that B. after having been with spath that i”m not downright suicidal. I do understand what you’ve been through too. 🙂
So glad I found this blog.
LL
Katy,
I have a tendency to agree with you about what you’re saying with regards to spath and how he engineered everything. I don’t know if you’re familiar with an author by the name of Lundy Bancroft, but he wrote a book about abusers called, “Why does he do that”. It was VERY enlightening. I do not have the book right here in front of me so this will not be verbatim, however, there is a section to which he speaks of how men love the machinations (even joke about it), they create in triangulating women against each other, fighting over HIM. When I read that portion I was completely shocked and had not thought of it that way.
But I could sure feel my blood boiling.
The more I realize what an ass he made of me, the exploitation to the max, the angrier I get., however, I was able to “back spath” him a couple of times, which made me feel only a little bit better about what an asshole spath he really is. I ruined first love bomb attempt (she had money and he needs it!), and I got pissed off at how he was treating his wife through the separation, trying to guilt her into staying without having told her that he was still involved with me THE ENTIRE TIME, so I told her. She was having an affair that he found out about and NEVER took responsibility or bothered to concern himself about WHY she was doing it. I totally believe now, that that was a complete set up to be able to blame HER for doing something he was not capable of doing. Getting out of the marriage. So when I told her, I validated what she was doing and he couldn’t use the she cheated on me crap with anyone anymore and she told her entire UNIVERSE about us. GOOD FOR HER!!!!! He lost ALL but one of their friends and he still plays the victim to her. Bastard. I was so glad I let love bomb know. I also got an inside peek as to how he approached other women too. NO mention of me. Doesn’t look so hot to tell your date that you CHEATED ON YOUR WIFE FOR NINE YEARS. Again, BASTARD!
God it felt good at the time to do that. For all the rotten, NASTY things he did to me and to her, he wasn’t gonna get out of it without looking like the ass he is. I’m glad I did what I did.
Something else just dawned on me. He’s more afraid of ME than I am OF HIM, I think. He avoided me at all costs towards the very very end, except trying to torture me via IM. I think he knew that I’d make his life a living hell because the masked completely dropped and I knew the liar he was. And I probably would have informed more victims if I could have.
The next one is in for it big time because this time the fish has to have money. And in that way, I feel so bad because if he manages a hook she will be taken for every single dime she’s worth.
Can’t save everyone, I suppose.
But I sure wish that I could sometimes.
LL
Yes LL, there were women I pitied and women I heap with contempt. One was a real piece of work. I found out about her and called my husband and laughed and laughed at him. And then I emailed him, laughing some more. “You were scamming her but SHE was scamming you! Scamming the scammer! hahahahaha.” Surprise! He never spoke to her again but she called me to taunt me, that” they shared a GRAND PASSION that I would never know with him”. I said nothing, just recorded her until she hung up. I was devastated but I wasn’t going to tell her that!
I’m afraid I agree psychopaths don’t care about looks. They are not blind and can acknowledge psysical beauty but this fact it’s very secondary for them, i think. It’s the play, the use and manipulation of people what seem to give them the greatest pleasure, the feeling of power and superiority that seems they need like breathe.
Questy,
One of the biggest things he honed in on with me was a rather narcissistic side to myself. How I LOOKED. He use to tell me I was “hot”, constantly. As if my body and what I looked like, mattered. That he was PROUD of that. It fed my ego, admittedly. One I didn’t have. I knew I was pretty, had a great figure and was great in bed. HE FED THAT KNOWLEDGE……which is VERY narcissistic!!!! I don’t think it’s just our vulnerabilities, but also the good things of ourselves that we are okay with that they try to destroy.
Toward the end, he was called me “flabby” I wondered who he was looking at, but admittedly, given all the flattery for years, it hurt.
Then when I saw who his next victim was, I was blown away. This was my FIRST reality check, I mean REALITY check in that it didn’t MATTER what the person “looked” like. This woman had a pretty face, but she was remarkably overweight. When I saw what she did for a living and after talking to her, found out how much she made, it was CLEAR what he was going for, particularly considering how deeply in debt he is/was and how much he loves to spend money.
It didn’t matter. It really didn’t. And in some ways, as weird as it sounds, I felt almost BETTER about it. NOT because this woman was overweight, but because IT DIDN”T MATTER WHAT SHE LOOKED LIKE, IT WAS THE MONEY!! HE was looking for sugar mama……and I didn’t fit that bill, it was my big aha moment in that he was a predator. She could be cindy crawford or two ton tessy. It didn’t matter. I think if he thought he could catch a big fish that was good looking with money, that would be preferrable. But eventually, that wouldn’t matter either, because what she looks like is not the goal only an added benefit. I think t his is what the predator does. How he “sees” his victims. Without care or concern about WHO the person is. Make sense?
So if I saw my spath somewhere with his new gf, it might hurt, BUT, at the same time, the way I’m seeing it is NOT how he sees it at all. And I can only barely imagine that because I’m not a predator. It does help to put it into its proper perspective from a more logical perspective although I know it will take the heart awhile to catch up.
LL
Yes LL, I know that book. Underlined so much I had to buy a new one. It was my life preserver before I found lovefraud, but it still didn’t explain enough…. the mindfn these fraudsters perpetrate is mindboggling.
Did you see 48 hrs mystery last night? Killed his wife. I knew she stayed with him b/c she didn’t realize he could kill, he knew he could hit, but it’s hard to imagine you “soulmate” could kill you. I am sure he suited up to avoid blood evidence and just stabbed her over and over. He was an attorney, he knows. His arrogance was stunning.
At the end, Life with My husband was bad and I left when I felt in my bones that my life was in danger but I felt ridiculous to say that. Yet a year later when I returned for an overnight before an unrelated legal matter, I was nearly killed, I got away when a truck driver arrived with a delivery that was supposed to have been done that morning only he had a breakdown and was delayed. With a witness, even though he didn’t realize what was being done to me, ALL assault stopped and I ran to my car and drove away forever.
Ya gotta understand, once you KNOW they are spath, that means they are CAPABLE of ANYTHING, even murder.