UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
no problem LL! I wish I had this site when I was where you are.
Thanks a bunch 2cop!
Your story is courageous, inspiring and VERY encouraging to me!!
I SO appreciate it!
LL
nolarn2bcop: My daughter was in the same position as I was. She was NOT afraid but she was ALONE, surrounded by cronies of the girl. Remember high school? Kids fed on blood feuds. This girl hated my daughter. It wasn’t until later that we found out why, b/c her mom was screwing my husband and SHE knew and was jealous of us.
Katy,
That’s so sad!!!
My children were absolutely tortured by crazy psycho bitches kids.
I love children anyway and I knew it wasn’t their fault, they were doing what they were manipulated/told to do by their mother.
I tried as hard as I could to explain to my children what was going on and to come to me or stay inside if her children were out playing, while I tried to find another place to live. I thank God we weren’t there that long.
Katy…..when did you discover HOW many women he was doing?
When you found out, were you aware of whether or not they knew of one another?
I was told that exPOS had had another affair that was four years long with another client. I never investigated this further and chose to blow it off.
But now, looking back on it, with all the details, i’m betting it was the truth.
LL
Katy,yes they need very strong emotions in order to feel something…
Nolarn2 aha mine liked nip tuck very much (in fact i have the dvd’s here, a gift). I just watched one episody. Sex, superficiality and surgery all the time.
These creatures should be diagnosed and inclosed some where since young. I’m serious 😀 The full ones are dangerous no matter how well integrated apparently they can be.
Eva,
Mine also loved Nip/Tuck.
Go figure.
He also loved two and a half men. I LOVE that show, but not for the same reasons he did. He loved the charlie sheen character and his constant womanizing. Well now I know why.
LL
Lesson,
That i don’t know it. Of tv i just know about nip tuck.
Films he liked The third man, Kubrick, and he loved Klaus Kinski films.
Kinski was a big psychopath. And german, like him. He admired Kinski very much.
Peculiarly is an actor that when I was younger attracted me in a strange way. I read years ago an autobiography by him, horribly writen in which he, a man who had travelled all around the world and had met lots of interesting people, just mentions an endless series of low life 😀 intercourses along his life. The title of the book (it’s an absolute shit) is Ich brauche Liebe -i need love-I re-read it recently, and yes, Kinski was a full psychopath (not bipolar as was diagnosed when young). I understand the psycho’s admiration since Kinski due to his popularity and money had access to hundred and hundred of women.
Eva-they should all be diagnosed and locked away. Mine was forced into therapy by his wife after he moved out my place and dumped me. One of the requirements of her taking him back again. It would be interesting to hear what went on in that room. I heard they can fool psychiatrists and beat lie detectors. He went from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde in a matter of hours when he dumped me and he was scary. He called me three months later to “apologize” and get closure with me. I know since I’m a nurse that he was heavily medicated when he was talking to me. He blamed everything on his bad childhood. I was abused by my mother but I never used that as an excuse. I spent an hour yelling at him about how bad he hurt me. He listened to all of it. Then he started to sound irritated and I told him to fuck off. I had already moved at that point. I immediately changed my phone number, email address and blocked his cell, his office, his home number, as well as his wife’s cell and her office number. She had a psycho drunk friend from out of town calling me and threatening me with violence. It was all very scary. I haven’t seen him since. Thank God!
Nolarn2, they’re very sick. It’s almost incredible they’re able to be integrated. And there are lots of them integrated.
All excuses, many of them had normal childhoods. These creatures are designed like that and they learn it very soon. They receive an education, get a good job, put on their mask and spend their lives conning and torturing as many people as possible.
Lesson,
I don’t know all the women, I thought it was two but I kept finding out about more. In fact, I have stopped and refuse to discuss or know about more b/c it’s no longer pertinent to my life. Most don’t know about each other, or they suspect but don’t pursue b/c they don’t want the truth.
We were self employed, lots of opportunity. Lots of affairs with women who had tubes tied, but once he got a vasectomy, it eliminated any worries about embarrassing pregnancies. My husbands conquests include the secretary of the biz where he served on the board, several rented office space in our commerical building, one lived across the street from our biz office, one was the wife of a lazy neighbor so my husband “helped” her, one was the neighbor of his favorite cousin that he’d go visit every week. Some were former classmates who’d visit their parents.
It started off withjust our employee, and then I discovered he’d have one main one and three or four on the backburner. He’d take them swimming at the river, very isolated, and they’d be SOOO impressed. He gave his cell number. Maybe he’d take them out to lunch. They’d make dinner for him, he’d tell me he needed to meet with the engineer on a project or discuss financing with an investor.
We lived on a ranch outside town, I was too busy to be involved with the gossip ladies but surprisingly, no one told me although EVERYONE knew he cheated (just not how much!). Things were bad but far worse than I knew. I kept thinking it was me, that I was so unappealing I should count myself lucky that someone so handsome and well liked would have married me.
Like I said before… my husband was GREAT fun, great to date, (as long as you didn’t discover how replaceable you were) but he was miserable for building a relationship or life. Over the years, I realized he EVOLVED. Much more fun to seduce married women of people who though themselves his friends, more challenge and bigger victory. To get a woman away from a husband where he thinks his wife would never be unfaithful!
When he has been caught by two women during simultaneous affairs, he tells them they imagined more than he ever intended that they pressured him into something he didn’t want. (blame and humiliation) But that’s okay, he just got two more within a couple of days.
SOOooo many women have NO problem with a married man coming on to them, esp since he’s handsome. I think they figure, what’s the harm?
FOr my husband it was NOT about sex, (he liked orgasms but not making love). He USED sex as part of his seduction and then once he had them, he’d use withholding sex as a weapon.