UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Welcome blue and other newbies. I am a newbie myself so forgive me if I overlook anyone or quote the wrong person.
I am finding today’s discussion absolutely fastenating.
A few random comments from me. I believe we go through stages of breakthrough and setback. When there is a setback we need to step back and mourn the loss. Yesterday I came to the realization that my husband of 25 years NEVER actually loved me. I don’t know if he is spath or N or what, but he is a lot more evil that I ever gave him credit for. I seem to be famous for giving people the benefit of the doubt.
I joined this site because I had broken up with on again off again spath boy friend on Christmas Eve. I think the main thing that I got from him was someone who would listen to me. My husband also did that. Neither one of them were talkers but I was/am. I supposed I could accomplish the same thing from journaling but after awhile that makes me too isolated.
I am having some health issues and don’t know where to start. My N mother is the retired nurse, but talking to her is not good either.
I can identify with many of you who said you feel alone. I am alone for the first time in my life. I do have a practically non-verbal autistic daughter. Living with autism is like living in a time warp. You have to do things slowly, they don’t travel well so you miss out on a lot of family reunions. Before you get out the violyns lol…..(excuse my spelling btw) let me list the plus side:
I have the opportunity to really get to know myself and what I am capable of. I believe any talent or skills I had my husband either exploited or sabotaged. Even though I struggled with agoraphobia off and on I was a church organist. Because I gave up driving, he would drive me but make me late. He had a tantrum on Easter Sunday once because someone stole a few tools out of the truck that he had left parked unlocked in front of our house.
Even though I didn’t finish college I was an excellent teacher. I worked as a Special Ed Para Pro. My husband supported me in that endeavor because I got a pay check.
My late father was an artist (commercial artist) and believed many many years ago that I had some art ability. I had long forgotten as I don’t believe I had a good art teacher since 7th grade. Because of a very temporamental washing machine I had to sit downstairs and babysit it or it would either get stuck or flood the basement. I started sketching on printer paper with a pencil. Amazing I was able to actually do a good job. I had started this because of reading books on emotional healing and it was a way to get in touch with my inner child. I found that when I didn’t think I could do the art. If I started over and tried to do it better I didn’t do as well. It is probably like a musician or dancer who is told to feel the music. Yes we need to learn the skills, but the creativity is there.
With my husband I found myself asking his opinion about everything. I also asked him if something looked good as I could probably count on one hand how many complements he gave me through the years. He never loved me. What did he want? I think he wanted me to take care of him. He wanted me to support him so he could quit the job he hated. He had the house before me, so for years I felt like my daughter and I had intruded on his world. He would have hobbies that he would have for a while and then change for another hobby but never got rid of anything. He became a hoarder. When I fought him on this, trying to reason with him to get him to sell some stuff and get us out of debt he turned on me and because the worst verbal abuser that anyone could imagine. I thought he had a personality change. No what changed was me. I was starting to take the initiative and act on my own and he couldn’t stand it. He tried to crush me. He almost did.
I saw so many similarities between spath and him.
Here is what I am left with, my mother being very self-absorbed doesn’t really love me. She would disagree but her reality is questionable. She has always been critical and controlling. My first husband was a total N later found out to be gay. I didn’t really know what was wrong with my second husband except passive aggressive procrastination, and a lot of negativity. He became very very cruel. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until one day he left me right before our 25th wedding anniversary because I had thrown away a couple of his favorite moldy coffee table books.
That should be my nickname “benefit of the doubt”. After 6 weeks and talking to a nephew of his I thought maybe it was not all his fault so I asked him to come back. He did for another 6 weeks. The only reason he left was because I wouldn’t. It had been his house first and he was hanging on. What would be my first clue that he doesn’t care about me. He didn’t give me his phone number when he got a new phone. His family shut me out. His father died and no one told me. He only lives a mile from me. He told me when he left that he didn’t love me. Of course I think (You don’t mean that) I kept wanting him to slay a dragon for me, to fight for me to stand up for me. He didn’t. Spath comes along.l He didn’t either. They all left because they could. I realize that I am my own dragon slayer. Of course the fact that I am a Christian also tells me that Jesus slayed a great big dragon for me…….but I still have to work on me in many areas.
Me, being the polyanna type kept thinking, how could all of these people not love me. Of course I focused on them and tried to diagnose them because the only other answer seems to be that there is something wrong with me. No, it is them. I have been surrounded by spaths and N’s my entire life and didn’t know it until the last 3 years.
True-to-Self
True,
I feel for you. Your story resonates with me so well. My entire life has been the same. Can you say familiarity? Always associating with people who could not love me. That is a VERY hard pill to swallow.
I wondered, as I read your post, if perhaps familiarity really IS the key? For example, living within the context of a family that loves you and you were raised in a relatively healthy environment, would we have been AS LIKELY to get involved with as many spaths as we did? Many stories here reflect some healthy upbringings, but a spath knows how to hone in on vulnerabilities of the person at the time. But most stories that I see here now, have an element of past abuse in the picture, maybe some worse than others. Having said that, True, I wonder if we were just PRONE for these kinds of relationships because we knew NOTHING else. Do you see what I’m saying?
I remember as a child, seeing other families that were “whole”. It was so foreign to me, almost like witnessing Leave it to Beaver, down the street. One of the things I’ve realized is how WONDERFUL it LOOKED< but how UNCOMFORTABLE it FELT….because it was unfamiliar. I kept a ton of family secrets. My N mother was cruel as cruel could be to me. I recall one day, she was telling a neighbor (Shamed me in front of her aha moment here), how I had "lied" about my stepfather sexually molesting me. JUST NOW, thinking back on that memory is an aha moment for me. No wonder my reactions have been so extreme in a lack of validatoin with this spath, the shame I feel (he could care less), and torturing poor love bomb about whether or not she believed me. I did the same thing with POS ex wife. This is a BIG realization for me. I have to stop carrying the shame of my childhood. Because of my circumstances with exPOS (I was the OW in his marriage), it is REALLY hard not to take that on. Just like my mother dumped HER shame onto me, he dumped HIS onto me too. That's just a bunch of bullshit.
Another thing that I"ve realized True, is that we are genuinely kind and caring in our hearts. I think part of the reason that our empathy levels are so high is because we were treated so poorly. Perfect targets for a spath. The pity ploy worked extremely well with me and I had no problem believing it either. When he talked endlessly about how his wife was playing the victim and abusing HIM, I could completely relate, just having come out of a twenty year marriage to a P. And an abusive childhood. I suspect spath's childhood was completely without emotion. The family dynamics and his mother are more than just "eccentric". I also suspect Mom is Spathy and Dad is N. Controlling and mean. Prime spathy raising grounds. Just like my spathy sis and bro. I have a family FULL of them. Now, if yo'ure a sensitive child, and you manage to walk out of childhood without being a SPATH, I think a person is PRIMED to be a victim.
I"m a christian too, True. ExPOS has a license to marry and bury and has a bachelor's in theology. Talk about messed up. I overlooked my Christian beliefs FOR HIM, while he shamed me on that too. Never took responsibility for HIS part in the affair and in fact, justified it.
You are right about being your own dragon slayer. Me too.
Somehow, at least for me, knowing it, learning more, doesn't make the hurt any less. The pain any less deep than it is.
It is very, VERY sad when you realize that you were never loved by ANY of the people that SHOULD have loved you completely.
There's no amount of therapy or anything else in the world that can change that either. Or take away the pain of the loss. I guess it just has to be felt. I think having the awareness, for me, keeps me vigilant about toxic people in my life and how to keep them out. Learning to assert boundaries. That is competely UNCOMFORTABLE in some places of my life because of my Christian beliefs. Oxy has been very good about giving great examples from scripture in protecting yourself from spathy's or great examples of spath's even back then.
Hang in there True. It's kind of a sad time, but I hope for us both, it's going to be a rewarding time. If you have gifts, let them flow girl. I don't even know what mine are yet 🙂
Hugs.
LL
I think it was Erikson who said….” We replay our early conflicts in life..over and over…until we GET IT”.
For me, growing up with an abusive sociopath mother, I found my mother in so many men. My xhusb even LOOKED like her, more than my own brothers. He was a CARBON COPY of her …looks and personality. Both cruel.
OMG..one time, they both ganged up on me…about what a terrible mom I was..in front of my children…I ran into the bathroom crying and I told myself that I am walking across the street, jumping into the lake and killing myself!!!
Of course, when I got out of the bathroom and saw three little girls looking at me….(1,2,3 yr olds at the time)…I said…F&CK THEM BOTH….wrapped up my kids and drove off.
ANGER is good….at the beginning. STAY ANGRY!!! In time, the anger will subside…but don’t do what I did….I got over the anger stage…even to “forgiveness…for they are sick and no not what they do”….
Then….I answered a text and went back to him!!!!! OMG after 5 months NC. Because, the part of the brain that prevents PTSD…kicked in. I wasn’t angry anymore…and he waited until I “cooled off” ….three times…and I went back to see if I could get my “mothers love” once again….
THREE STRIKES…now he’s out. I am working very hard to rebuild myself….didn’t go back to square one…I’m at the forgiveness stage already….(after 3 times!)….but I will NOT forget. I have 3 kids who would remind me if they ever heard me even consider letting him back in my life….and a sister, girlfriends…who would BOINK me on the head…tie me up and lock me away before they would let me get FOOLED AGAIN!!!
I know a guy whose guy friends got him drunk the night before his wedding (to a sick socio woman)…and he never made the wedding. It cost him lawsuit money …but to this day…he THANKED THEM!!!!! lol!!
So,….I am never looking back….and HE LOSES the best thing he could ever get…..an “angel” as he called me. Satan is pathetic….
tobe,
I KNOW my exPOS will NOT be back. I use to say that all the time and two weeks later he’d show up. Or I would GO BACK.
This time it’s very different. The feeling I have. It is most definitely over. I don’t have to worry about his being back at all. He has new gf and blah blah, which actually keeps me safe because I know when he love bombs he’s TOTALLY focused on that ONE person. Plus with all the sex, he’s probably a bit tired LOL!!!
Now I’m in the grieving anger stage. I vacillate. There are times I feel I miss him, but I don’t go back. I just keep telling myself that even if I WANTED to go back, he’s got a gf and when he has his fill, he’s even MORE mean than before. No point. I’ve had enough abuse. He can take it out on her now, not me. I wish it wasn’t so, that he’ll hurt someone else, but that person has to walk on his path for now, unfortunately.
I just found out today that tomorrow we will find out whether or not we have to be evacuated from our apartment complex. We apparently are sitting right on top of an ancient landslide on a side of a steep canyon hillside. Our sidewalks and parking lots are cracking, they’ve tried to fill the cracks with cement, but they’re open again. The ground underneath us is very unstable and has dropped 2 feet since December 31. The management’s office, normally open today is closed and I thought it a bit odd when my assistance manager did not give me his usual friendly hello. They’ve known about this for awhile now and the media have been in and out of here for the past two weeks.
This is adding fuel to the fire of what is already my stressed out levels. I would ask for prayers as this all unfolds. The county officials and land surveyors are to be here tomorrow to let us know whether this needs to be an immediate evacuation or a given timeline for moving safely.
I had planned to move anyway in the near future, but this makes it a bit more nearer financially than I expected and I cannot afford to move, but will have too. It’s become too obvious around here.
Forgive me if I’m a bit sidetracked right now.
LL
LL,
Thank you for your validating post. I almost feel sometimes like I have to justify myself so people won’t think I really am a bad person to have so many people leave me. Someone I knew on line who was into emotional healing told me that I seemed to be programmed for rejection.
This is not necessarily a bad thing. It seems the revelation of ex husband is a good one. I had frequented the nons of BPD site and no one seemed to identify because he didn’t have quick mood changes, the Passive Aggressive board fizzled besides I know he had that and more. Someone on that board though kept asking me this question. “What are you pretending not to know.? I didn’t know then, but I think I do now. Very recently I read the Mary Jo Buttafuoco book. I identified so much with her absolute trust in her husband and even after everything that happened she kept asking his opinion. That is when it hit me. Could my ex H be a spath? If so, what is it he wanted from me? At the time, I was not working but had a large child support check I brought with me into the marriage. I had a car but didn’t drive. He had recently lost his car in an accident and had not got around to replacing it. He needed a car, I needed a driver. He was good to my autistic daughter and helped get us out of the house.
I didn’t work a lot. Because I didn’t have a degree but 3 years of college I had to interview every year as there was no job security. I couldn’t even think of working outside the home until my autistic daughter left home at 25 to live in a group home. By that time I was tired. The reason I put her in the group home then was because husband had an accident and broke some ribs and I was taking care of both of them. The reason I know her father is a N is that he didn’t even send her a birthday card once she turned 18. He hasn’t seen her since she was 12 years old, but has called me and actually wanted to see me again once he found out I was getting a divorce…..almost talking about remarrying me….Duh! That is the craziest thing I ever heard. When I was married to first husband I was an over-achiever. When I married 2nd husband I was an under-achiever in that I relaxed too much.
There was never any closure in my divorce. We went through one court date and two three hour mediations. The last one ran overtime, and no one knew until the last second whether he was going to sign and settle out of court. I got alimony and I bought him out of his share of the house with help from my mother.
His favorite thing to call me was WORTHLESS. Moneywise he may be right as I don’t even have enough of my own social security points. As far as character I hung in and never gave up on my daughter. I got her out of a not so good group home into an excellent one. Actually husband helped me on that one. We worked well together when we had a cause. The people who ran her original group home with spaths for sure. He probably saw their game. I didn’t know that anyone could be so cruel. They knew they could replace her with another medicaid check. I refused to let them put her on unnecessary meds so was labeled “uncooperative”
My daughter comes home every other weekend. She is a joy to be around now. I do not look at her as a burden, not at all.
On the other hand, the spaths can leave her and not look back even recent ex husband who helped raise her for 25 years. How can they do that? It is a relief to know that he never loved me from the beginning. It makes more sense than to try to figure out what I did wrong. I did have an on line affair with a guy on the internet a few years back, never actually met him. He turned out to be full blown BPD, That is when I first started looking at that stuff. On the other hand, my husband had a real affair. I found myself helping him clean up the mess as the woman became somewhat of a stalker. WHY DID I DO THAT? Because as Oxy would say I was Stupiiiiiiiiiid, LOL.
I taught organ lessons, babysat, did temporary office work to help financially. What my H said the most at the end of our marriage was who makes the money…..and they he would say my two sylable name in such a way that I hated to hear him say my name. Let’s just call me Suzy…”Who makes the money SU ZEEEEEE?
I called the cops on him once and didn’t want him to have to leave. He went to stay at his dad’s over night. I guess you call that traumabound. Yes I do understand familiarity. That is why when we were first separated I alternated between my mother and him, whoever I was getting along with the best at the time.
He used a lot of projection. He called me a golddigger. Yea right. He had the same blue collar job for all of that time. He did manage to keep his job but kept reminding me of how much he hated it. He ingratiated himself to my mother, and I believe was surprised when she did take my side in the divorce. I would hear him talking to his sister late at night. She was probably a Borderline Queen (See Understanding the Borderline Mother. by Christine Lawson.) They seemed to be joined at the hip. Now I believe that they both demonized me, but thought that maybe there was some money to be inherited from my mother.
I knew if I were ever to actually start dealing with this I would surprised. Up until now trying to deal with ex H marriage was like thinking about a vat with toxic green fumes coming out of it.
With both of my marriages my biggest weakness was I felt sorry for them at time.
Question for everyone. I am living in a house that is payed for that was settled in the divorce. It was his before we were married. He was not married before so only owned the house for about 4 years before that. I have lived here for a total of 28 years now. Do I make this house exactly like I want it which I have been working on since divorce or do I get it in saleable condition and sell it? If I did it would have to be for something I could pay cash for. I would like a house the same size as mine only with a smaller yard and no basement.
For now, I am not dating, but if Mr right ever did come having the house is an asset. I am either getting depressed living here now though or I am just reading so many books that I don’t want to clean it.
TTS
Just a little bit more here. It is only recently that I feel like I hate my house. You see, he felt so entitled to it that that is what he fought the most over at meditation. He just wanted to sell it immediately. He didn’t take into account that his hoard would have to be moved. He was younger than me so still works. I can actually retire.
He was so angry after mediation that my mom and stepdad’s tires were slashed. We can’t prove that, but it is an awful coincidence.
Mediation forced us into no contact and he kept it that way. I kept thinking that I would not mind having a cup of coffee with him somewhere as I honestly didn’t think the mean verbal abuser was the “real him”. Now I think that it was/is the real hm.
Yikes.
Thanks for reading. I am going to go have a late lunch and then will come back and read the posts that I missed.
Thank you all for being here.
TTS
True,
I think the question as whether or not to sell it would come with time. What I can suggest to you is that perhaps continuing to fix it up and see what comes of it into making it YOUR home, and THEN making a decision, is a wise choice now. Maybe at that point, after some time has passed, you might feel differently about it.
As to all of the rest of this that you wrote out, when I hear about the smear campaigns, I’m grateful that I was ONLY an OW. He doesn’t want THAT little red flag to get out as he is with gf. He didn’t want love bomb to know either, so just sorta left that out while he was playing victim to the ex. Unless he’s busted on his relationship with me with gf, he will say nothing, but how ironic that would be given that any gf finding that out will know how much of a liar he is. Perhaps in the end, this is a good thing.
I gotta run to the store TTS. It’s great to see you posting and I’m glad you feel validated. This site helps so much with that.
LL
True,
I can relate to so much of what you said about your upbringing and being with a man who didn’t love you for 25-years.
All the people who left you, did it because of what was wrong with them. The only thing wrong with you and me is that we accepted damaged people into our lives. We did that because that is what was most familiar to us.
Lesson,
you think he won’t be back but I guarantee you that when your life changes for the better and you go out and present yourself as shiny and new, when you no longer care about him and stop calling love-bomb, he will be back. He will want to get in there and destroy again. While you are destroyed, his work is done, but watch out when you get back on your feet. He’ll need to knock you back down.
Skylar
He has someone else to love bomb and thus knock down.
I think this is when total discard is a blessing. You need to keep in mind that his IMAGE is very important to him which is why he was seeking out new gf to begin with. Being the OW and that just about EVERYONE “close” to him knew who I was, well, that just wasn’t good on his image. I also didn’t have the money lol!
He tapped me. There isn’t anything left to get out of me, or to knock down 🙂
Image, to them, is everything! It’s more FUN to get control of another victim. Much more of a “high” 🙂
LL
Lesson,
you will get back up. everyone here on LF does.