UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Sky
The way you said about bringing damaged people into our lives, makes a lot of sense to me. But I wonder if it’s possible to see that it seems that EVERYONE has some level of “damage” from the perspective of having been surrounded by it all of my life. I know what it is to know people who are NOT toxic, and they ARE apart of my life now, but it really bothers me that those I loved, from bio fam to last ex POS are people I truly loved. At least insofar as what I believed “love” looked like. Trying to incorporate something new into your life (ie: no more toxic people) is a bit of a withdrawal with the constant drama that toxic people bring.
I’m use to it and i see that too. Thanks for your post
LL
Sky,
I will. Just going to take some time. Still in a lot of pain.
LL
Skylar,
I had the mistaken notion that if we (ex H and I) just talked one more time we could get some closure. Well hell no. He is a lier. He had his chance. I was the best thing that ever happened to him and if he hasn’t realized that by now then he can wallow in his on self-pity. I think what I have been worried about with house is that with no contact that the anger is going to build up and one day he is just going to come and shoot me. I cannot worry about that though. I think if I didn’t have a concience it would be the other way around. I would like to shoot him.
I guess you can tell I am finally at the anger stage with him now. When he was living here I was so angry that my blood pressure was borderline high to high, now it is on the low side and has been for some time.
I think what I am going to do is FINALLY realize that I have earned what I have. I am worth it. I need to clean my house, continue to decorate it the way I want it and finish getting my dental work done, lose some weight and work on me…..for me.
LL, I agree what Skylar says about your ex spath. I saw some unspecific rumblings on internet today that my recent ex spath may be trying to get in touch with me. I do NOT want him back. Maybe one of the reasons I am dealing with ex H today is that if he ever comes knocking on my door I want to make sure that I have it in my thick skull that he is the Wolf….not a friend.
For now I am going to go with this anger.
Skylar. If you haven’t found it, yet there is an excellent book that not too many people know about. It is by Karyl McBride PhD entitled Will I Ever Be Good Enough….help for daughters of maternal narcissists. What she says in her book is that we, the daughters, become over achievers or under achievers or alternate between both and sometimes self-sabotage. I think that is what I tend to do. I need to quit doing that. LOL
It is helping me today, though, to get this out.
TTS
True,
you remind me so much of myself in some ways. I also fear the exP will come back because I got the house. But he will be satisfied as long as he thinks I’m not happy. Til then. ce la vie.
Thanks for the recommendation on the book.
think I need that book too, True to Self.
Love the O’ for Umbrella article.
Thank you Quest.
TTS,
I’m so glad this is helping you feel better today!
Ok, I know you and sky are wanting to be helpful, however, spath has a NEW gf! I “know” him well enough to know that if he’s “involved” with someone else, he will NOT be coming back. It’s just something I know about he and his spathiness. It would make sense that if your spaths tried to return, chances are they hadn’t landed a new victim yet. Mine did that A LOT before he got the new victim. He sealed the deal (which I knew was coming, found out he lied big time about, called him a spath, blah blah) and so there is no NEED to be trolling me at all.
I agree with you TTS. I’m having some dental work done, eyes checked, gonna get contacts, start a simple workout program with my daughter, and move. Tomorrow, my daughter and I are having a mother/daughter day from some money I’ve saved and we are going to get our hair done.
TTS, I’m pissed OFF!!! REALLY PISSED OFF! I went to the store and was so angry about feeling like I would run into him. How DARE I feel that way???? To me, the lack of shame on HIS part is disgusting!!! No remorse, absolutely no guilt whatsoever. It is nothing less than amazing.
As far as bio fam related to exspouseP or exPOS, I TOTALLY see things in my last exPOS that were JUST LIKE my father. Even in the way he would get angry!!! And he was CONSTANTLY angry, it was always under the surface. He carried himself with grandiosity and a touch of contempt. I can’t describe that, but like a sarcastic derision about alot of things. He was SUCH an ASSHOLE!
Just a little at a time.
LL
Hello All,
I have posted a few times but spend most of my time reading and identifying with so many of you here at Lovefraud. I do have a question and would be very interested in comments from all of you. I was involved with a sociopath for 6 years. He is also a career criminal, small time but nonetheless, had spent many years behind bars off and on througout his lifetime. When I met him, he proclaimed how God had changed his life…well without going in to detail, the God I know had had nothing to do with him and that is the truth. He knew I valued the things of God so he was mirroring me and saying what he knew I wanted to hear…..was the best at lovebombing and gaslighting I’ve seen. My story is so very much like Krzyluv’s experience and as I read her post, it was like reading my experiences with my ex-spath. I read the book the Betrayal Bond…I know I have trauma bonded with him. I have not seen him in person for over a year and I haven’t had any contact with him at all in 7 months and prior to that the only contact I had is when he’d call my work cell phone from a random number and I would not know it was him. Anyhow, a few months after he and I were apart, I connected with a man I knew in middle and high school on facebook and we started talking. Several months later we became a couple. Finally…a normal man, healthy man and we have so much in common. He, too, had been with a narcissistic/sociopathic woman and married her and had two small children with her…so he was also dealing and still does deal with her and her manipulations with the kids and such. he’s been divorced for 5 years…Fast forward several months…he relocates back to where I live, the town in which he was raised. We have a great relationship….as the months go by, I find myself thinking more and more about the spath, who by the way is back in jail, and feeling less for my boyfriend. I analyze everything my boyfriend does and although I know for sure he’s not a spath, I tend to be reactive about anything that even seems odd or that reminds me of anything my ex did. I remember reading in the book somewhere that if you have a trauma bond, it’s best not to date until you have recovered because you could simply cover those feelings with the “new” love and then when you have healed, you won’t have any use of the “new” love any longer….have any of you experienced this? Is this what could be going on? I was doing great with moving on and not even thinking about spath until about 2 months ago and I started thinking about everything over and over again every day…it’s driving me crazy…it’s like I cannot turn my mind off…..of course him trying to call me from jail a few days before Christmas did not help and no….I did NOT talk to him……I read everything I can get my hands on and although I can talk to my bf about this to some degree, I don’t feel comfortable talking about this particular thing in detail. I care alot about him and I loved him immensely until recently…he has alot of baggage as well and we both have things to overcome but we do want to be together…I’d be interested in your opinion’s of what I am feeling right now….is this just a normal part of the grieving process? Once I’m done, will I be able to let this good man in to my heart completely? Thanks….all comments are welcome ….:)
Hi Strong survivor
seems like we are the only ones awake at this hour. I will throw some thoughts around and see what you think . When you fall in love with a psychopath you are basically falling in love with yourself , you are falling in love with the mirror image that is being projected at you . Now this is an easy thing to do as initially you think you have found the perfect match , after all you have so much in commmon or at least you think you have . With your new man maybe you feel that there is less in common and you miss that in common relationship that existed when you first met your psychopath . Maybe what you have to remind yourself of is , that that in common relationship was not real . It was an illusion . Loving another person is a fairly simple concept however if you have not really recovered from all the confusion of the previous relationship there could well be some demons within that have not yet been realised . In my own instance that demon was a fear of the unknown , meaning I did not know what had been done or how it was done . Once I figured out that it was all about the gaslighting and that that was what had shut me down the fear evapourated . I now had something to work with . Not to say I have conquered all , but I do believe I have made a giant leap forward . I guess what is kind of amazing was that all the info was right in front of me most of the time . I knew about gaslighting but did not realise the signifcance of it . I knew about the shut down but did not realise it was the gaslighting that did it . I knew about the nonsense , I knew about the lies , I knew about lots of stuff but somehow the puzzle was not coming together . The pieces were laying around all over the place . What I didn’t realise was that I had to put all the pieces together . Thats where O like Umbrella came in . That realisation set the process in motion . Suddenly the puzzle was together and I could see the picture . Everything suddenly made sense . I guess my only advice would be , keep reading and write stuff down that seems relevant and be patient . Sooner or later your O like Umbrella event will happen . The psychopathic fog will clear and it will be a great day . Sweet dreams .
Strongsurvivor
thanks for your post,
it is similar to what I experience and I can’t help you but maybe we can help each other. My new BF was my exP’s good friend for many years. New BF has also been through a trauma bond with a couple of women and understands some of what I have experienced, BUT not completely. He has listened to me for over a year and is getting tired of it. I don’t get tired of it because I think that nothing is more important than understanding Evil. it is the root of all human suffering and we need to eradicate it once and for all, if possible. If not, then we at least have to educate those that we can.
I can’t really help you because I haven’t read the book but I do understand the trauma bond: 25 years with the exP and 45 years with N and P parents. Add spath sibling and neighbors and, frankly, I have few normal acquaintances.
Hopefully your new man is a good man. all you can do is keep your spath radar up and keep the old spath AWAY from you.
Strongsurvivor:
Recovering from these relationships is a process, and may go on for quite some time. There is a lot of emotional pain, and some of it goes very deep. You may process a lot of pain in the beginning, and start to feel better. Then, down the road, more pain rises to the surface. Don’t feel like something is wrong – perhaps you weren’t ready to process these feelings until now.
Don’t try to analyze it, try to feel it. What are your emotions telling you? I suggest that you do this by yourself or with a therapist – not with the boyfriend. Allow yourself cry, or express anger by pounding pillows – whatever emotions need to be expressed. Again, the processing may happen in waves. You’ll feel emotional turmoil, you’ll release it, you’ll feel okay. Then it will happen again. There is nothing wrong with this – you’re just releasing the old junk as it rises to your awareness.
The only way out of the pain is through it. But you can get through it, and once it’s gone, it’s gone.