UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Petitie,
That’s very kind of you. I’m glad that sharing my experience with you helped. That’s one of the mixed blessings of this site I think….
It sucks, the reasons to be here. But it feels good knowing that you’re helping others at the same time. I guess when mired in my own crap, I don’t see how that’s helping anyone.
I’m so glad that you were able to “dodge the bullet”, as OX would say. You have a great friend in her, but YOU were smart enough to listen and to put what you heard in action.
I’m very proud of you Petitie 🙂
LL
Questy,
Been thinkin a lot this morning about our conversation last night.
One of the things I recognized while talking last night, and would like feedback on here, is how to share one’s past with someone else that you newly meet.
Here, it’s safe. We share a lot of the same experience that is not very easy to describe to others elsewhere.
But what about when you meet and get to know new people, or in the future if I get brave enough to go into the dating pool (soooo not ready for THAT), and the conversations in getting to know one another are becoming more personal…..
How do you explain your past to someone without sounding just like the victimy psychopath? My preference is to be honest, but to a potential friend or if dating someone new, my story would sound just like a psychopaths insofar as having been victimized over and over, in other words, it would be the same thing in that, Yea, my ex’s were POS and this what happened.
Do you know what I mean? How do you explain this to a potential new healthy friend when your ENTIRE LIFE has been very toxic, filled with toxic people and having been victimized?
Just food for thought. I’ve been dealing with shame long enough, but talking about my past IS shameful to an extent.
I wonder if any of you have contemplated this question for yourselves? How do you talk about your history without sounding like you’re giving the pity ploy?
LL
Aussie,
YOUR SAYINGS ARE SOOOO GREAT!!!! Cracked me up!!!! I am going to copy and keep those. I think they are super good for those people who have to deal with jerkfaces on a daily basis!
LL, “how do you tell someone new you meet” (or like the beauty consultant Petite referred to)? YOU DON’T.
When you first meet someone there isn’t any need to “bare your soul” to them about all the things that have gone on in your life, or to talk to them about psychopaths or what you have been through….you can capsulize things or just give a “socially polite answer.” Petite could have said something like “Yes, he is handsome isn’t he.” and just LEFT IT AT THAT, she doesn’t have to explain her entire relationship to this man to a store clerk. As far as other that you meet, TAKE NEW RELATIONSHIPS SLOW, ALL **ALL** new relationships. There’s no need to devulge your greatest secrets to new people you meet, save those things for your closest friends. I don’t defend myself any more against untrue things people say against, to or about me, it isn’t necessary to my own self worth. Just like I didn’t stay around in Texas to argue with my friend’s husband about how he talked to me, I just packed up my knives, told him I wasn’t going to tolerate his talking to me like that and left. Looking back on it now, I think probably I shouldn’t have even said a SINGLE WORD, just packed up my knives and walked off.
Dear LL, about your experience with the “flight reflex” – it is a common thing, even in the medical world! When I once was on a plane from Atlanta to Frankfurt I realized that half of the plane was filled with German cardiologists (the ones who SHOULD KNOW!), but when the stewardess asked the ominous question “Is there a doctor on board?” I saw ROWS of heads sink deep in their seats! When I was travelling on my own from Memphis to New Orleans I bumped second into a traffic accident (bicicle hit by a car, the victim laying in the middle of the street), and I was stopping and NOT TOUCHING the man but make him crawl off the street after he told me that he could move without too much pain. Afterwards I told colleagues who told me how stupid but brave I was and that they would have been driving by because of possible lawsuits! I stayed at the scene till the paramedics arrived and left without giving my name though (quite cowardy too!)
So helping and rescuing someone is a very difficult task, and I think you did the best you could (and always remember the famous first sentence of Hippocrates: it is not “you must help” but “YOU SHOULD NOT HARM”. And that was what you did, you did not harm! And sustaining and being present without going away despite all the angst is a quality that is much underrated I think nowadays. That is called courage!
Petite: my first thought to this careless lady who obviously is very much sticking her nose in other people’s affairs was “you can have him if you want”, but the other continent is very accurate. And I would not mention the cheating, as it could backfire on you. “It was wonderful but it was not meant to be for long”, that is my only sentence I utter about my experience. I also told people initially about spath, but I sounded so bitter and it brought back all the misery that I stopped that too, “It was wonderful but it was not meant to last” is fine. The fine print is reserved for the four, five most important people in my life, and they know already. Time to move on.
LL: My life has also been toxic and intoxicated, but I am proud of having cleaned the mess and have improved a lot (still work in progress of course!), and I am proud to present the new improved libelle and there is no need to mention the old mess it used to be. The good thing is that with that attitude you will attract people who also have been there and done that. I must not explain myself, people start telling me about THEIR experiences with spaths, and there is a deeper understanding, it is very amazing and surprising and wonderful. Just relax and listen.
Shit and manure are the same, it depends where you put it.
Oxy, Libelle.
Thanks a BUNCH! I appreciate the advice A LOT right now!
LL
Hi Guys-
This is my low point of day–
just got home from work.
I have come to realize that even if the guy did contact me again–
I am so over him- and gosh– you think that would make me happy, but it makes me sad.
I feel soooo alone. Can’t really talk to people about this at work and–
there are some really mean people at work and I JUST DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE ARE HATEFUL AND CRUEL TO ONE ANOTHER. i do not get it. I never have. love thy neighbor? Namaste? ARen’t we all human beings on this planet together?
There is someone at work who has hated me since the day he met me- he is gay– and that has NOTHING to do with it, I know. But– I am in the creative arts– and he is a drag queen at night at a performance bar– and could so work on me with the drama/theatre/parties for our sick- elderly residents at work- but he will not let me into his world and finds every opp to put me down and demean me. Make me look incompetent and stupid. I would not do that to someone I worked with– on the same team- would you?! it is unreal. I have even prayed for him and shown him love- and he still hates me.
I am a therapist with sick/elderly people/alzheimer’s — I show the patients with love and attn all day. Why would someone want to be mean– go out of his way to be mean to someone like me? I just don’t get it! It makes my job a million times more difficult b/c he is our marketer/sales– and we are supposed to put events on together.
I am just tired from the constant daggers and unwillingness to cooperate and be a team player.
When corporate comes in– he kisses their asses. Puts on a show– and of course the belittleing way that he treats me– is never done in front of higher ups or our Executive Dir.– which says to me he knows what he is doing is unprofessional and wrong.
So weeks ago- I thought that by now-I would be with this guy. That guy I met Dec 17th that I have been writing about. That I would have a super bowl date. A partner/friend/lover.
And then he changed. It does not sound like a loss, but it is. He is gone and said he never would be.
(((( Akiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ))))
I”m sorry you’re having a bad day today. I have no idea what to tell you about the spath if not outright A-hole you work with (haven’t been in a work setting in forever), but unfortunately, what I do know is that there are MEAN people EVERYWHERE….what to do when you have to deal with them at work on a daily basis? Clueless here! Especially if you need the job.
About ex spath though………it is a loss. Of a dream. For now. I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I don’t think you need to lose the visuals of the dream per se, but try to visualize a HEALTHY man in the dream. In therapy today, we did a lot of visual work. It’s amazing how well it worked. Maybe part of that you could apply to the A-hole you work with too, since you HAVE to work with him. I told my therapist that I was afraid of running into spathy around town. So he did this cool visual. I hope it works as well when the time comes, but I was sitting at the table and he told me “pretend that I’m your spath, find something in the room, and FOCUS on it, remember, you’re staying in the present while doing this”….so I found a picture in the room and focused on it, while doing breathing exercises and boy can my therapist play act WELL! He pretended to be spath and taunted me, but I kept focusing right on that picture……and while I felt VERY uncomfortable at first, I got use to it.
Try that and see how it works. I think the idea is not only just to stay in the present, but also to minimize the impact of exposure to your psyche. A way to turn down the volume a bit.
Hang in there, Chica. I can see you’re coming out of it!
that’s a good sign and great progress!
LL
Thanks LL-
I like it.
Akita,
If you wind up trying it, tell me how it worked for you!
LL
lesson learned , in answer to your question . ….You tell it like it is ………….there is no other option