UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
Sky
What an accurate and insightful, CLEARLY written post!!
LL
Aussie-thanks for the advice on working with the psychos. 🙂
thanks LL,
I can see how much you are growing evey day. You are facing yourself – that’s hard work. I wish I could advance quickly out of this too. The spath was not so hard to deal with when I realized how evil he was. At first I had a hard time with certain songs on the radio. Or watching other couples in love dancing. It wasn’t him I missed, it was some of the memories of ME in love with (fill in the blanks here with whatever.) Getting over him was not a matter of forgetting, it was a matter of substituting those memories with the REALITY of what actually happened. I began to REALLY UNDERSTAND, that I had been fooled. Each memory no longer carried a romantic connotation. Instead, those memories were filed under “CONNED” OR “LIES”. I guess that is the trick to feeling better. Re-filing the memories under better categories and then remembering where I filed them.
I imagine that people in the 15th century had some sort of cognitive dissonance when they first understood that the world was round. It’s a crazy concept to grasp. Re-filing and re-categorizing their perceptions to fit the new information probably took some time. We can’t all be Galileo. We’re normal people. Normal people File “husband or BF or MOTHER FUCKING PARENTS!” under love. Not under hate. It doesn’t seem to make sense, but it is the reality, they HATE US.
Sorry about the cussing, I’ve got anger issues, obviously.
SKy,
that’s a great way to try to see what the relationshit was. I started reading the Betrayal Bond again last night. This time while reading it, I was understanding it BETTER than when I FIRST BOUGHT THE BOOK, which was only a couple of weeks ago. I’m not speeding through it, but giving it some thought as I read. As I read, things are popping into my head about the relationshit. One of the MOST painful is understanding that anything good I experienced with him, was giving him GREAT joy EACH TIME, but for the idea of winning or exploiting me further. Like target practice and hitting your target every time. I’m seeing things that I missed before when I review. That is so hard, SO hard to deal with….the reality of it. Now I see why this takes time. A relationshit with a spath, healing from it, is a slow,painful process. I don’t want to let go of the good memories or that they had no meaning and that’s another thing, how to derive meaning from something so awful. I’m seeing some fears that I have both in having stayed as well as letting go. How did you deal with the REALITY, sky of your relationshit?
Does replacing the memories with what it really was,help at all?
LL
LL,
yes that’s what helped me.
Knowing the ridiculous contortions he went through to accomplish his con on me and everyone else he knows became comical to me. I actually laugh. He was immensely talented in so many things. He didn’t have to fake anything, but he preferred to.
For example, he needed $400 for a new transmission to install in his car. He had $400, but he refused to use it and pretended that he didn’t have money because he was determined to con it out of someone. I didn’t give it to him (I’d already given him $300 for a car window) but Steve the millionaire gave it to him when he pulled the pity ploy.
That is just one example of thousands. And $400 is a small amount compared to other cons. I only use that example because of the way he moped around telling all his sources of supply that he really wanted to fix his Geo, but had no money.
How do I know he had money? Because as soon as I told him I had no more money, he started walking around with wads of cash in his pocket.
The first time he played me that way was when I was 20 years old. He begged for $5000 so he could buy a gyrocopter kit. I loaned it and he didn’t pay me back for months, so I left him. When I told him whyI left him, he said, “you mean if I pay you back, you’ll come back to me?” I said yes. Within a day he came back with $5000 in cash. So you see, he has money, but he just wants yours – he doesn’t want you to have any.
When I left him, all of the memories like the two I just described finally made sense. It was like pictures coming into focus. So yes, it really helps because I prefer focus to fuzzy.
Dear LL, this is the article I mentioned to Petite, it is about getting the big picture (which YOU ARE GETTING; congratulations!)
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2009/12/17/watch-out-for-this-defense-mechanism/
Going to the abyss of one’s own soul, back to the inner child that has been neglected a whole life, and reparenting it and telling that there is light out there and sunshine and that now there are other means to fight loneliness than to clinge to people who are not good, THAT was the real hard piece of work, and it took me months and months and buckets of tears driving alone through the Swedish forrests about two years ago. In the end though I was thankful for the spath to have put a mirror in front of my nose so I MUST see the worst (and the best!) in me, and that I could finally break free from a spell that haunted my whole life so far as I come from a family with lots of S/N/Ps. Those articles from Kathleen Hawk helped me a lot in this stage, step by step moving forward, reassured that the whole thing was not THAT crazy as it felt like!
You and Petite are moving forward at a great pace, and you are just doing great; you sound determined, and moving forward and not in circles anymore, if I may say so.
Petite, this evening I called my old N/S-boss because of a professional question. I thought of you, as I have to keep with him in contact as he is a renowned specialist in a special field about which I urgently had to have a second opinion. I kept the conversation (as I always told you ;-)….) strictly business, thanked for his great advice (in fact he was with me on this problem as I was prepared), and hung up without asking about how it went on the old place where I worked for over seven years or giving greetings to the “buddies” who had mobbed me, and he did not either ask me one personal question. Uff! My heart was beating, I never thought that this creep still has such an effect on me. Scary (so much about the “strong woman”… 🙁 )
I wish you all a peaceful night and a fruitful day tomorrow!
thank you Skylar– that makes sense! What your wrote about my coworker.
Libelle–
I can’t believe what you just wrote.
Last night, my exhus– an angel (he just happened to be bisexual–)
called me. He is getting his doctrate is psychology. He called me from the treadmill- as he was reading some Sig Freud.
He said, “Megan– he is talking about you here.”
He read about how some people– who lost their parental bonds early (I was first adopted and then the woman who adopted me went into a hospital when I was two.)– he said that often these people develop a neurosis. I am neurotic. When under stress we get much worse– my trigger is rejection (why did I go into the fine arts?).
he said that Freud wrote that the only way to finally get rid of this neurosis is to go back with a very good analyst– and relive stuff!!!
Until that inner chlid is heard loud and clear– I may continue the same patterns over and over. Which I have.
I have found that it is very difficult to find a great therapist these days. My last Psychiatrist– making tons of money– writing prescipts– and 70 years old–
did not agree with me or even understand Pscopaths/spaths/N’s.
He told me–”You need to just call the guy, tell him you like him and ask if he feels the same. ” This was after a discard!!! What???
I wish I could find the right therapist who takes my insurance. I am sooo “therapist fatigued”.
have been seeing a new lady– and she wants to just deal with the present moment–
I need to dig up the old wounds and heal them. They do matter and I am tired of people telling me they do not.
When my mom came out of hospitals when I was a tot– her disease caused her to abandon me. She slept all day. For years and years.
Then I was told I had been given up for adoption.
How did that little girl feel– and why do I have complete panic attacks when an asshol does not call.
Akita,
that is tremendous stuff you’re revealing. Sounds like your ex hubby is a great guy and cares genuinely for you. I’m glad you have that kind of support.
About therapists, you’re right. I was therapist fatigued too and felt that my last one just didn’t get it, although I thought she was GOOD and I really liked her, but the depth to which I was suffering she could not comprehend and was not trained to do.
I got soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo lucky with the therapist I have now (sky-can’t WAIT to hear how your stuff goes today!), who is well versed in personality disorders as well as trauma survivors. He is SO good, it’s unreal. Keep looking and DON”T give up! Good therapy is ESSENTIAL in uncovering and connecting your stuff from your past.
Having said that, I have something here I want to share. I have to have an ultrasound needle guided biopsy this next week, possibly tomorrow, is there is room to get me in because my doc wants it done NOW. There is a large mass on my left breast. Another smaller one that accompanies it. When I got more information this morning, more detailed information about the results of the mammo/US from my doc, well, I got off the phone and cried. And cried. And cried…..
I took a shower, got ready for my day and then decided to get online and study up on personality disorders, but not about spath, but about me….
Although I still obsessively think of him (I noticed this too especially after that phone call this morning, and boy was I ANGRY), it is slowly switching to me. In reviewing my reactions/responses in the relationshit and out, as well as posting here, I decided to read more of the Betrayal Bond. I read about the Trauma reaction, repetition, shame, abstinence, splitting, bonding, etc….what I discovered was that I have a few of these, if not a lot of some. Shame in particular, abstinence, repetition (big time), etc. I called my therapist and left a message. “Maybe we should explore the possibility that I have bipolar or borderline”….but as I thought about this more, I began to connect the dots, particularly with the trauma repetition and abstinence and shame. Repetition was the biggie for me though. What happened with exPOS in the triangulation of the relationship, was exactly what happened with my stepfather, mother and myself. I don’t know how to explain this, or if it came from me as a child, but I felt I was competing against her. I also felt this way between my mother, sister and myself. Spathdaddy, sister and myself. Over and over these traumas were repeated throughout my life. There is an emptiness and deep sadness about all of this. I developed an alcohol problem while with last ExPOS. It was addictive just as my relationshit to him was addictive. I can feel myself gravitate towards alcohol to relieve the anxiety that comes when THINKING about him. He and alcohol go hand in hand. I was frightened about my drinking problem, so I sobered, but have fallen off the wagon a few times since he and I split. Well, it doesn’t get rid of the pain. Nothing does. I can choose to drink or not to drink. It is a choice that I know I made and CAN make understanding the addiction and from where it comes. However, in the book, anything can be “substituted” for that, including another relationshit, spending money, etc. I smoke and this is addictive and comforting. But that’s just topical crap. The deeper stuff, the connections to the CONSTANT triangulation (a pattern I see that is in every relationshit I have had), is exactly what happened with exPOS. The players weren’t the same, but the SET UP WAS. How painful is THAT reality? SO with that, comes anger. With a spathy family that set me up, and behaviors that I understood and continued to engage in after I left home, tell me that I NEVER had a chance in hell. I was surrounded by this shit, my entire childhood and into adulthood. I was doing EXACTLY What I was taught to do. Shown to do. The dynamics are the same.
From all of this, I think it’s truly even remotely amazing that I survived all of that, let alone with SOME semblence of any inclination to better myself, find out what’s wrong and work on it.
In this way, I feel very very lucky. I’m afraid of what’s wrong with me, but NOT afraid to work towards finding out what it is. There is a great sadness and emptiness and this incredibly overwhelming feeling of being alone. Now that I”m sick, it is compounded further. I see my mistakes, the poor choices I made and the sadness that I loved people, the only people I knew in my life, who wanted, tried and did hurt me, who scapegoated me and set me up to repeat this pattern over and over again. I realize I DID love exPOS, just like I “loved” the rest. Because love meant abuse and I knew nothing else.
My boundaries are a mess. I try to connect to people too soon, just like a spath. Then I back off. I see why this is happening and it feels very VERY repetitive in nature, something from my past. I see that I tried very very hard to please my abusers, tried to be what THEY wanted me to be, which was a direct separation from what I knew might dimly have been me to begin with. As with how it is now with Spath, now that the relationshit is over, I feel much the same way when I realized the same things with my bio fam, and toxic friends that have been in my life. Ashamed. Guilt. Like my craziness in response to each situation, was more about my being unhealthy, rather than they being unhealthy.
Logically, I knew my fam was not healthy, but I did not know this until later on in my life because I was USE to the behaviors. It’s what I grew up with. Everyone else’s family had a Leave it to Beaver quality to it. I can also see, many times in my childhood, where outrageous behavior was a severe cry for help, that went punished or was shamed.
These are very big enlightenments for me. Processing it is very hard. And very painful. Now, I wonder…will I ever get well? Will I live long enough to enjoy true peace, happiness and joy? Have I set my children up for the same? I think, in my behavior with spathy, I created too many divisions, burned all my bridges with those who otherwise would love me. I blew it too, not just him.
Also, as I often felt after a traumatic event, and with all the exploitation, blame, shaming and psycho babble on the part of my abusers, THEY appear healthy to me. THEY appear healthy to me.
So knowing what my responses, behaviors, reactions have been understanding the context in which they are all trauma bonded….I’m deemed “unhealthy” too, however, my therapist has a different perspective. I’m not there yet.
Big and painful revelations today. Just thought I’d share them.
LL
LL–
what more did you learn of the mass?
I have had masses too– but lal was well. What else do you know about yours?
Guys—
it is that HORRIBLE time of night. I am feeling so sad and anxious, it is unreal. I so miss the guy/the dream.
I am very involved in stuff outside of work. I am too tired today. Overworked. Cold weather.
I just want to know WHY he did not love me? That’s all– he said he did.
I guess you guys would write back”
Akita–
he did not love you b/c he cannot love.
I am feeling sooooo low right now it is unreal. Haven’t done laundry in 6 wks and do not have the energy. No machine in condo– have to go downstairs- and up– and down– and cold–
i just don’t have it in me.
I would not care if I died right now– and that is a horrible thing to say.
I am tired from doggie paddling.
Akita,
I’ve had them before too, as I have fibrocystic breasts. These two are different, with a different appearance that is indicative of a malignant tumor. One of them is rather large. The other is not and is immovable and attached to the chest wall. They are in close proximity to one another. I noticed the first one had grown much larger, it was felt originally during a yearly exam LAST year, but doc thought not much about it, because it was freely movable and had a cysty feel to it. So I ignored it. Let it go, but as time has gone on, it has grown larger. I still didn’t think much about it, relating it to hormones (going through menopause), and the fibrocystic issue, but it continued to grow and was becoming painful under my left armpit. When my doc palpated the lump, she also found another, thus prompting the tests. I’ve had mammos and ultrasounds before because of the fibrocystic stuff and that’s just what it was, fybrocystic. The radiologist contrasted, compared the latest tests to the previous, as well as my doctor who see clear differences in size of the masses, abnormal contouring and spikey like appearances around the edges. My left breast has also dimpled a bit in the last few months, something else I blew off. Denial can kill
Speaking of which so can it with a spath, Akita. Your last spath is as incapable of love, care and true emotions. What is interesting about this, and something I’d like to bring to your attention, is that you NOTICED this early on. You were LISTENING to your gutt. You KNEW something was wrong! Thank GOD you noticed it VERY EARLY in the relationshit. That’s your healthy self, warring against your unhealthy self. Your healthy self WON. It could also be degree with last spathy in that he’s not very good at hiding his true colors.
My exPOS was love bombing a chica in another state. I found out about it and contacted her. As soon as she blew him off, he was already onto another VICTIM, to which he is with now, yet also on dating sites at the same time.
I bet yours is doing the same.
So if you have to doggie paddle for now, then DOGGIE PADDLE, because it’s better than DROWNING, Akita. And a spath will make sure you do just that!
LL