UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Quest.” He identifies what he believes is the shut down mechanism that psychopaths use on their victims.
As most of us know what its like to be a psychopath victim; I am not going to go into all the details of my relationship with a full-blown psychopathic woman that turned my life into a living hell in just 18 months. What I really want to talk about is the mental effects that this woman was able to inflict upon me without my conscious realisation; gaslighting it’s called.
Just so there is a little background, I am a 55-year-old male and split from my ex psychopath female mate three years ago. We were in a relationship for 18 months. At the time we split up, I knew the relationship was beyond repair, but had very little understanding of what had really happened to make the relationship such a disaster.
Two weeks before I left, I had been on the Internet researching mental disorders and had by chance run into the classification “psychopath.” At the time my real knowledge of the intimate details of the psychopathic condition were pretty limited. Anyway I Googled psychopath and found Lovefraud.com, and as they say, the rest is history.
What had she done?
Two weeks after leaving I realised that I was now damaged goods. Many times I found myself asking myself, what had this woman done to me and how did she do it??? I read every book I could find on the subject, about 20 in all, but still did not seem to have a satisfactory answer to my question, and certainly no real way of fixing what had been done. Most of the books that seem to have been written about the psychopathic condition tend to deal more with describing the psychopath themselves, which is great, rather than figuring out what exactly has happened to the minds of the victims of these monsters.
So what were my symptoms? Initially it was hard to get a grip of even this concept. On weekends I slept til noon; on weekdays I had to force myself out of bed to go to work. I was in a state of awareness that I can only describe as being hypervigilant for other psychopaths, or the possibility of them. Basically everyone I met was a potential psychopath until proven otherwise. Paranoia was rampant. I actually feared psychopaths, as I did not understand what this one woman had done to my mental state, or even how she had done it. This left me open and vulnerable to the possibility of running into another psychopath and not knowing how to defend myself. I had no clue as to what I was defending myself against.
As time passed. I learned how to see psychopaths. It was as if a sixth sense had been awakened and I was wired to the symptoms of psychopathy. Any symptom set the alarm bells ringing in my mind. Well, all this knowledge and awareness was great, but I still could not fix the damage. Some days there would be realisations, some days were great, others not so great. Sometimes while in a crowded room I would suddenly be overcome with paranoia and have to leave. What was going on? It was as if my own awareness of myself had somehow been turned off and I did not know where the ON button was.
In the last three years I have talked to many people about psychopathy. Some found it fascinating, some were victims themselves and could recognise what I was talking about. Most did not seem to have a clue as to what I was talking about and basically thought I was nuts.
Spelling error
So — “O like Umbrella” — where does that fit in you may ask? Well, one day while at work, I was on the phone talking to an East Indian guy. He was going to buy some products from the company I work for, and we were going to be shipping what he bought to him. Well, the guy’s name was one of those ones that you can’t pronounce or spell. He proceeds to spell his name — B like Bob, A like Apple, O like Umbrella — ????????????
He continued to spell but I heard nothing because my mind was stuck on, “O like Umbrella.” What had happened?
Well, while this was happening another part of my awareness had the sudden realisation that I had just been shut down. There was no “O” in “umbrella” and because he had said something that made no sense, my mind had basically shut down. At this point there was a kind of eureka moment, as I realised that that was how psychopaths get into the minds of their victims.
Anyone who has spent any time in an intimate relationship with a psychopath knows that things get very confusing at times. What appears to happen to the victim is a kind of mental shut down that seems to happen at a subconscious level, beyond the normal conscious awareness of the victim. The victim, not realising what is happening, slowly gets lulled into an almost vegetative state where they can hardly recognise themselves. It feels like their very essence or soul has been sucked right out of them, leaving a confused, rudderless entity, almost a zombie.
So what is happening here? Did I just have the ultimate realisation about psychopath victims because I had been able to watch my own mind get shut down by a spelling mistake? The East Indian thought “umbrella” was spelt “ombrella.”
Nonsense
As the days went by, I often thought about and talked about my revelation. How relevant was it? Would it make a difference? What I began to realize was that I now knew what my psychopathic ex had done to me, SHUT ME DOWN, and also I knew how she did it.
Having a conversation with a psychopath is not like having a normal conversation, especially if you are in a relationship with them. Initially in the early days of the relationship, everything seems normal. As time goes on, however, things tend to slowly become confused. Every conversation turns into a never-ending argument that seems to go round in circles, until the victim just gives up. Nothing is resolved and the arguments become more and more frequent, and more and more confusing.
The victim tries to make sense of what is going on around them. What they don’t realise is, nothing is supposed to make sense. The psychopath is in full attack mode on the victim’s sanity. The psychopath is basically talking nonsense, but the victim is not aware that it is nonsense, or that they are under premeditated attack. As the victim’s mind tries to make sense of the babble, not realising that its not supposed to make sense, because it almost does make sense, some part of the persons thinking processes shuts down. How this really works I am not sure, but I feel as if I am getting close to the realisation of it.
Shut down mechanism
One thing about the “O like Umbrella” incident was that I now had knowledge of how the shut down process works. Now, suddenly, I knew what had been done, shut down, and how it had been done. Suddenly the fear was gone, I now knew what I was defending myself against.
Read more: Gaslighting — 5 key points you need to understand
If it doesn’t make sense it’s probably nonsense and you are probably dealing with a psychopath. Because a psychopath is so good at hiding nonsense in amongst sense, most people miss the nonsense. Being aware of this puts the power in the hands of the victim or potential victim. If the victim is aware of the nonsense, it can’t shut them down, I hope. At this point, I at least feel more relaxed than I have in a long time.
So gaslighting shuts the victim down mentally. I feel it is important to realise this, because once a victim is shut down, it will take a long time to wake them up again. I guess the revelation here is realising the relationship between gaslighting and the shut down mechanism. It’s all in the nonsense.
If one can listen to the nonsense and realise that it is indeed nonsense, then theoretically, it will not shut the victim down, hopefully. I have yet to prove this concept. I’ll need to find another psychopath to test the theory.
Learn more: Tools for navigating narcissists and other manipulative people
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Jan. 15, 2011.
Game theory and the sociopath
TTS, you can’t get a “bottle of vitamins & minerals.” There’s no appreciable nutrition in a “bottle of vitamins & minerals.” Look at the label. You need to see a nutritionist. Or some sort of holistic or alternative medicine healer. Someone who can teach you about nutrition, vitamins, supplements. Even a good health food store (like a small local store). Try GOOGLE.
Darvocet isn’t a “narcotic”. Ultram is a synthetic morphine, but it is very very mild. I took 3-5 a day for 6 yrs for fibromyalgia pain. Don’t be afraid of it. Just be sure to taper off before you stop it if you take it regularly for any period of time.
Also, if you have good insurance, you DO need to go ahead & get into therapy. Recovering from a sociopath encounter isn’t something you should attempt to do alone. And if you’re like most of us victims of SPs, you probly have long-standing issues that you need to deal with.
Not being able to tolerate iodine is possibly one reason you’re “puffy”. Iodine is essential for thyroid production. You need to talk to your PA about thyroid treatment that doesn’t involve iodine. And drink a LOT of water!
Hi Katydid,
I haven’t seen you round here for a bit. How are you doing? I think about you often.
Quest,
Thank you for putting it into words.
I have been reading along for a year and slowly gathering strength from all of the people who have shared their stories of pain and more importantly of survival. I have tried no contact a couple of times and failed miserably. Today is a new day…NC is my motto. When I felt as if I was really going to die or end up in a padded room a few weeks ago it changed something in the way I thought about things.
I really thought I was going to have a heart attack and die….panic attacks started along with the depression.
I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out how and why?
I need to take my life back and start living again instead of every moment devoted to someone I hate as much as I love….and I really can’t believe it is love at this point.
It is so true that people who have not experienced this do not understand. It has been very lonely but I am ready to get off the trauma train!
Thanks for this Quest. I agree they shut down our logic mode and move us into creativity mode. We are forced to “create” aliis and excuses, in order to make any sense of what they do. Our normal minds seek to fill in the lanks, and explain away the WTF moments that our logic just can’t comprehend.
Love the O for umbrella analogy, and I agree with Oxy, it will probably stick here at LF, as it explains it all.
My Spath would call me Gullible Glenda which in turn made me second guess everything he told me until I could no longer decifer truth from lies…..
My mind was mush after 7 years of this!
Along with NC, my sanity is slowly returning. At the beginning (of the end of the relationship) I would ponder and reflect (and cry/mourn) on all the “wonderful” moments of our relationship! But as time and NC has gone on, I only reflect on the BS he was filling my head. The hurtful things, the painful things, and the craziness!
I WELCOME SANITY WITH OPEN ARMS!
BTW – Spath sent me a text yesterday that read “Heard about your Mom. I hope she’s ok”. ******SHUDDER***** How in the world did he hear about my Mom’s health? Again, he is trying to butter me up so I will respond. (I did not) I have been NC since 10/22/2010. But still, for him to text me that really creeps me out!
As the days go by I am realising more and more the significance of the realisation . As I said before I had read about 20 books on psychopaths but for some rediculous reason I had not realised the connection between gas lighting and the mental shut down mechanism . The fear thing was something else as well . It was as if the fear of being shut down was what was stopping me from seeing the situation clearly . ie I feared running into another psychopath because I did not understand the shut down mechanism . That expression, ” you have nothing to fear but fear itself, ” comes to mind . I wish there was a better way of describing the realisation so that everyone who had run into a psychopath could realise the concept instantly and be done with it . The mear fact that I can explain it to a number of different people and get totally different reactions to the story tells me there has to be a better way .
Quest,
Thanks for posting this. It must have been uncomfortable for you while writing. I too was the target of a spath, for nearly seven years. I can fully relate to your frustration in trying to untangle strands of logic that seemed like spaghetti left too long in the colander.
In my case, English was her third language, and when she’d say something odd, I’d wonder if she’d meant what she said or was having trouble expressing herself. Initially, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, out of patience and affection. Furthermore, since she is European, I couldn’t verify her past.
Soon, I came to describing our conversations to friends in terms of the comedic team of Burns & Allen (for those not of a certain age, George Burns played the straight-man foil to Gracie Allen’s pretzel-logic housewife, first in radio and later in the 50’s TV show). I thought my wife’s oddities innocent and harmless, and she helped reinforce that perception for years. She concocted a persona that was so wholesome, open, kind and “giving” that to contemplate anything sinister in her was such a screaming contradiction that it was unthinkable (mission accomplished).
But eventually there were signs that her idiosyncrasies were not so benign, and I began to see distinct signs of dishonesty, which I confronted her on.
Now the sparks would fly: she would at first deny ever saying or doing “X”, which I’d refute by giving detailed evidence, playing back her own words or actions at length (I have a good memory). If denial didn’t work, she’s start distorting either the sequence of events, key aspects of them, or their causation. If confronted with clear evidence, she’d try accusations to implicate me in her wrongdoing: “Well, I only did it because you said, “XYZ.” — taking something I’d said perhaps as much as a year earlier and spin it completely out of context, in order to implicate me in guilt; anything to abrogate her responsibility. It amazed me how easily she accepted the most preposterous excuse for any of her actions.
As time went on, I learned only too late that, in order to avoid potential scrutiny she “went underground” — becoming more distant and guarded in her speech. She simply saw to it that I’d never know her true whereabouts or what she was doing. Having established a daily routine that I’d grown accustomed to, she hid her dealings behind that timeframe.
I don’t believe my logic was shut down, but rather, my heart trumped my head — my usually rigorous powers of observation took a back seat to my image of her, along with my desire to trust. We crafted that image together: her for treachery, me for love. Bad combination; you don’t see what you don’t want to look for.
It’s said that to have an emotion is a fine thing, but for an emotion to have you…
True-to-Self,
I just read your post, and I agree with WhyMe: “alternative” medicine will be extremely helpful. I’m a strong advocate for Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), but if you don’t have a good acupuncturist/ herbalist in your area, a Naturopath will help enormously, as will a qualified Nutritionist.
When the shock first set in I went into triage-mode, as I felt that my physical health was paramount. Here’s a list of things you could try:
First of all, many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness — get quality rest, and let up on yourself. Your spath did enough damage; it’s no use contributing to it.
Stress is hyperactivity of the brain’s left-hemisphere, which represents our analytical side; try deep relaxation (meditation, yoga, tai chi, or just practice slow (very slow), deep breathing), imagery (like a mantra), for right-hemisphere stimulation.
Stress about the future is mostly caused by fear — stress over the present is caused by the sense of powerlessness.
Most of the things we fear do NOT come true.
Think of the absolutely worst thing that could happen — you’ll find it’s not as bad as you feared.
Looking at the color blue is calming, restful — water, sky, a painting — anything blue will do
Doodle — it can be very cathartic
Walking is probably the best exercise — walking in Nature, better still. Try to spend as much time as you can in the wild, or the closest thing to it that you have.
Listening to — even anticipating listening to — music you love raises dopamine levels in the brain
Eat more fish, e.g., tuna, shrimp
Fat boosts serotonin levels; Omega 3 oils, essential (wild salmon, cod liver oil), nuts of any kind offer “good” fats
Lemongrass, chamomile, dandelion calm the nervous system
Lavender or vanilla scents (candles are great)
Sunflower seeds (zinc)
Turkey, beans, spinach — high in tryptophan
Fresh basil: place 3 leaves in cup of boiling water — instantly calms you down.
Shocknawe,
I just read your post before signing off as I have to take the trip to the dentist today.
I agree with everything you said and will try it. Only one problem I am allergic to shelfish so even the idea of fish oil is a problem as is iodine. The only other food allergy I have is bananas. That was acquired quite recently.
Do you have an alternative idea for the Omega 3 without the use of fish?
I will come back and read your answer.
I love nature, photography, music, doodling. I found out recently I had some dormant art ability inherited from my late father who was a commercial artist. I have spent too much time in the house. You have just given me permission to really start enjoying life.
Thanks for the advice.
TTS
SHock,
I’ve been in a state of depression for about two weeks now. Today, my daughter and I are starting a walking routine at our local community college. Daily. I know that walking helps immensely. I’m forcing myself to do this. But in a way, I kinda want too. When we’re done with that, we are going to come home, burn some candles and clean the house. Also good exercise given how messy my house really is right now and I’m not a messy person.
I’m in a completely different state than I was two weeks ago, with the downlow hitting harder. I’ve got to pull myself up and out of this. You are right about fears of the future and I have many. Will I be able to get a job at 47, having been in school this long? What do I really want to do now? I don’t know anymore. Thinking a great deal about that at the moment. The present: Painful. Nightmares have appeared now. Makes me afraid to sleep. Both nights were about ex POS.
In a health class right now and my teacher is helping me design a workout program around walking, working into running. I’m a good weight for my height, but just out of shape. I want to tone up. I think exercise will be paramount to feeling better. Even if I have to force myself to stick to a routine. I got my hair done yesterday, had a mother/daughter day and there was exP’s fam there (yes, I like some of them) and we talked and caught up. First time truly socializing in awhile. I enjoyed it. Talked to exP last night, got some insight into P thinking. It was very enlightening and interesting. Motivates me to do better in my own life. I really want to overcome this. I dropped a class so I could focus more on my life, while still maintaining my schooling.I’m trying to find a therapist who understands what it is to have dealt with so many disordered people in my l ife. No luck yet, but I’m hopeful.
These are big strides for me, while the burden of sadness still lingers heavily in my heart. I’m committed to changing myself. Hoping and praying that those changes, even though small right now, will bring further enlightenment to me about what exPOS really was/is. That bettering myself, will in turn minimize his impact upon my psyche. Does this make sense and does this sound right to you? I just wanted to bounce this off of you.
Kim, I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down. I think it’s expected from time to time. It’s rainy and cold here too, but I’m forcing my ass outside. I understand so much how you feel. But it can be a motivating place too once the depression passes.
Something I’d like to share. When I talked to exP last night (he ran off with my ex best friend ten years ago and beat the shit out of her, thus her son beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat and he went to jail and that ended their relationshit, sorta, at least living together), he was telling me how he was feeling about ex gf. She is very ill, the stress of their relationshit over the years, the abuse, is killing her. She has cancer. She is barely able to function. She is still in love with exP. He still calls her and tells her that they are just friends and that he loves her but is not IN LOVE with her. He knows she feels differently, still in love but he DOESN”T CARE. Well I LOVE HER, he said, and if she can’t handle being just friends, that’s HER problem and she needs to tell me if it hurts her and I’ll leave her alone.
This is very telling, as well as very sad. I do not want to be her. I have great compassion for her. I understand. But in hearing this, it motivates me NOT to go there. To be better, stronger…not a victim and not living like one. Yes, just like the last two weeks, there is a great deal of depression and pain, but there is this little voice screaming inside that is now beginning to get louder YOU WILL NOT DESTROY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS MAN TO DESTROY ME FURTHER……….and even if my strides are small, even with major setbacks I need to keep MOVING FORWARD>
God bless you all today
LL