Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by reader whom we’ll call “Juniper.”
I have been married for 22 years and have five children. I realized the first year of our marriage that I had married a “psycho” but thought I could help him with my unconditional love and support. He is completely controlling, manipulative, abusive, selfish, and has never shown empathy or compassion to me or our children. He doesn’t have relationships with his kids because he chooses not to bond with them.
I stayed with him because I believed there must be some good somewhere in him, after all, he was a born again Christian, knew almost every verse in the Bible from memory and sometimes preached on Sundays. Deep down he was a “good” man and I believed he just needed the love and support of a good woman to turn him around.
Married life was hell
Fast forward 22 years — I have lived a life of hell. He is addicted to pornography, television, food, exercise, work and every other self serving desire. His favorite pastime is yelling and lecturing the children and I about our faults. We have been to many therapists, etc. Read every book.
He would “change” just enough to give me hope and keep me around. I suspected infidelity but had no proof. He was verbally abusive to me and the children. Sometimes he was physically abusive to the kids, but very rarely (which I did put a stop to). He hated spending time with us on vacations, days off, etc. He just always wanted to do his own thing.
He has made me responsible for all our finances, everything to do with the kids, the house, etc. He basically just earns a paycheck and does whatever he wants. Of course, if there is ever a problem then he blames me — he takes no responsibility for anything. He is an extremely intelligent, successful, award winning doctor. He is respected and admired in our community.
Inappropriate touching
Last June a female patient of his accused him of inappropriately touching her. He denied it and since she is a “troubled” patient and on narcotics — it wasn’t pursued. However, they did require that all female patients to his office be chaperoned by a female nurse. I know my husband and I know, without doubt, these accusations are true. He sort of admitted it without really admitting it.
Blamed by the therapist too
I filed for divorce in February. Just today I met with our previous marriage counselor to update her on our status and see if she had any advice to help me and our children cope with this. After months of grieving and recovering and feeling stronger she has reduced me to a sobbing, insecure, blob in one hour!
She went on and on about how my co- dependent attitude just enabled my husband to continue his bad behavior. She said that if I had stood up to him years ago and given him consequences then he would have changed. Her thinking is that I let him behave badly and there was no motivation on his part to change because I would always be there for him.
It is so confusing to hear this because, part of me thinks she is right! The other part of me realizes he is a sociopath who is incapable of any compassion or love for me or the children and that nothing I did or didn’t do would change his completely self-serving attitude.
I’m married to a sociopath
This feedback from her is so hurtful. I realize some people will never understand the fact that I am married to a sociopath! But it is beyond hurtful and damaging to me that she somehow blames me for the demise of our marriage! I never believed in divorce. All I ever wanted was a happy family and children.
I will say that because my husband is a work-aholic and didn’t want to participate in raising our kids I was able to raise really wonderful kids who love others and respect others. Also, my 20, 18 and 14 year olds don’t want anything to do with dad. He has shown them his true colors and they barely know him.
I guess I am writing you because I know you get it. You know what it is like to be married to a psycho and to have some people just not “get it.” It is so hurtful to feel like I have been the strong one, the fighter, the good parent, etc., and then to have someone criticize me, blame me and make me feel like the one at fault. It just messes up your mind and emotions.
My husband has moved out and rarely contacts me or the kids. Thank God! He didn’t even ask to visit them. My younger two, ages ten and eight, wanted to see him so I made him set up visitations. I am asking for sole custody so I don’t have to deal with his controlling, manipulative behavior.
Looking for validation
I guess my goal in writing you is to have someone relate to me. Everyone sees this man as such a great guy and they think I am the one throwing in the towel for no good reason. It’s hard to be misunderstood but I am realizing that is just the way it will be with most people.
Deep down I know I did everything I could to make this work but others have seen us as a “good, Christian couple” who went to church every Sunday. I understand that from the outside looking in they would think it was this great marriage and great family. I feel like I have been perpetuating a lie. Now I have to deal with people believing I am the “bad guy” for divorcing him.
I know it will get better but, boy, does it SUCK right now!! It’s hard to not to wonder, “Could I have done more? Could I have done something different?”
Dear Juniper – thank you for sharing your story. I am married to the same type of person – respected health professional who is extremely self-centered and addicted to porn, food, exercise. We have been to “marriage counseling” with those who do *not* get it.
I am outraged at the attitude the counselor took with you. Never go back to her – never. She has done damage at a time when you have come so far. According to the website “Sanctuary for the Abused” there is NO SUCH THING as co-dependency in an abusive relationship. You did amazing to survive and provide all the logistics for your household and raise your children.
It boggles my mind that outsiders – even when they are professionally trained outsiders such as counselors – cannot see the amount of work we do to maintain our lives in the context of sociopaths. I completely understand why you stayed and tried so hard. It’s time for you to be “delivered from evil” and I wish you strength and confidence in yourself as you go forward.
Thank you, OpalRose, it means so much to have support and be understood!
Juniper,
What an awful experience with the counselor. I’m sorry that in one of the most despairing times of your life, she attacked you. She is certainly uninformed and ignorant to sociopathy. Who knows, your husband could have come on to her and now she’s a minion. They love to seduce those close to us or that have any impact on us. Could be so.
But, it doesn’t matter what she says. I’m in the same situation with my husband. While he was not as overtly abusive to us, he was never present and lived a double life throughout our marriage. While my behavior couldn’t have changed him, i do realize that I did allow him to continue his abuse by not acting on it immediately. One reason was that I didn’t understand what was going on. Another was that I was raising a family and wanted to keep the family unite together.
Enable is a strong word, as is co-dependant. Staying Ina marriage because of religious beliefs, finances, children or illness is NOT enabling. Actually, it is a survival. To enable, you have to participate, cover up or knowingly allow someone to be involved in destructive behavior. I hate that word! Yes, you could have left and destroyed your children’s home and security. I could have tot, but chose to stay for the reasons I mentioned. But you did not enable him! I think you did the best you could with what you knew, believed and understood.
Co-dependant is another term that offends me. When a normal person is attached to a disordered person, the normal person hangs on for the ride unaware that they even bought a ticket for the ride. The twist and turns are unexpected and life altering. I know for me, I was always just hanging on trying to get stabilized. Where there triggers that made me hang on tighter? Yes. But again, I was dealing with the beliefs of my faith about marriage, my love for him, my desire to take care of my kids. Aren’t all married couple co-dependant? It seems to me that your marriage was toxic because your husband is a Spath . No one, I mean NO ONE can understand your responses unless they have walked in your shoes!
It’s good to hear that you realize and are taking credit for the way your children have grown up. High five to you! Thank God they had a mother of character, morality and integrity to lead them to be responsible compassionate people. I don’t think a co-dependent enabler would have been strong enough to be that kind of mom. So take that credit and use it to mentally defend yourself to those who are arrogant enough to judge you. Your counselor may have been trying to help but her comments were out of line and offensive.n I wouldn’t return to her.
It’s good to hear that you are moving on with your life after the hell you live through. Truly joyful days are ahead! Please remind yourself of who you are to God, what your hearts attitude has been throughout this marriage and what a great mom you are. Don’t let the manipulation of an evil man and the ignorance of a dim witted counselor get you down. You are wise and are making great decisions.
God will get you through this! A big hug to you.
Hopetoheal… the word ”co-dependancy” absolutely annoys me too!
I read an article that very few people are “co-dependent” that this phases is a catch all for everything and is missed used over and over….
I look back on my prior relationships and I was never “co-dependent” and with my marriage I was not co-dependent I was literally mind controlled and brain washed like a cult leader does to his followers to keep them around these tactics are not “co-demendency” they are manipulation. I did not want to date him, move in with him, marry him and I wanted to leave everyday but he had my mind so twisted up I could not think clearly to leave him.
If you are manipulated you are not given a choice…Co-dependincy is a choice = you see the truth ie the person is an alcoholic and you choose to stay but with a sociopath you are not educated on sociopathic behavior you are not given the truth and then decide to stay.
As soon as my counselor told me who my husband was = sociopath that exact moment I was done with my marriage no thinking about it that was it done, over, I had my answer to all of his craziness.
When you are lied to, mind controlled, conned and abused you don’t want to stay you want to leave the relationship but your mind is so twisted up that you can not think your way out of the relationship. This is what counselors dont get either.
Thank you, HopingToHeal, I totally agree that he charmed the therapist – that was one of my first thoughts when she reacted to me in an attack mode. I really appreciate your support and advice!
Juniper,
I am glad you posted here, because we do understand and can totally validate your reality. It’s too bad that counselor is so ignorant and insensitive. She probably thinks she gave you a dose of ‘tough love’. I bet if she was suddenly (miraculously) made aware of how mistaken she is she would be ashamed.
This is one of the ways that spaths leave US with THEIR shame. They are so hard for other’s to ‘see’ that we are left holding the bag of shame that belongs to them. We are left to stew in our knowledge. At least at first. Over time that knowledge will become a piece of strength and wisdom and comfort. Truly. But, initially, it isolates us, and can be somewhat frustrating.
Remember: That pile of burning shame is NOT YOURS. Let it go. Let go the hurt of her misunderstanding and blame. It belongs to HIM. She is caught in the web of deceit and ignorance, like so many in the world.
Lots of folks here have connections with psychopaths that will not let go, and are tormenting them still. You may be one of the fortunate one’s who’s ex simply goes their own way. It does happen. Given most of your kids want little to do with him, and that he wants nearly nothing to do with all of them, you guys sound like you have a good chance at recovering your lives and generally moving on. I hope so.
Do what you can Juniper to let go of what ignorant people think of you or say to you. You are going to have to find that internal sureness of WHAT YOU KNOW you experienced. You could not have done a single thing to change this person. You could not have modified his behavior. The only thing you could have done is simply walk away. No amount of reasoning would have had one speck of influence. Matter of fact I think the more we talk, the more they manipulate us with our own information, needs, desires, requests, and hopes.
((hugs)) Slim
Thanks Slimone! I love the advice about the shame. That has been one of the biggest struggles of mine. I am trying to limit my contact with him – the more I talk – the worse he gets. I just keep it short and sweet. Thank God he doesn’t really want to be part of the family and is distracted with his own selfish life. Thanks so much for being supportive.
I was involved in a serious & intimate relationship with mine on & off for 10 mos. Although your relationship was not normal “any normal person” knows things are different behind closed doors. Sociopath or no Sociopath. Everyone has a right to their opion & you have every right to ignore it. Stop caring about what others think because they do not understand. You might try to find a pshyciatrist that deals with victims of Sociopaths. Your therapist obviously doesn’t understand. You need encouragement right now. Two books that I highly recommend reading are “Betrayal Bonds” & “Why does he do that.” Extremely helpful & will give you much insight. Doing this & keeping those around that care about you, pray & pray a lot, do things that make you happy. I have been very aggressive about my recovery & have been doing all of the things mentioned above. Everyday I pray, read, keep those around that matter & appreciate me, exercise, work etc… It takes work but it is well worth it. In the end you will get your life back! Just do the work. 🙂
THanks, YellowDiamond, I really need to hear from others who understand. I will look into the books you suggested. I totally agree I have to be aggressive in my recovery. I have been “washed up on the beach” for months and I am trying to pick myself up and start actively doing more to heal. Thanks for your advice.
Dear Juniper,
I had a terrible attorney but I was gifted with a terrific therapist. But it took a while to find a terrific therapist. When I did, the support was like water to a wilted desert weed. I bloomed into ME. A good therapist should empower her patient, not disempower and demoralize them. Your therapist sucks.
One of the things that my therapist helped me to discover is that I could have been PERFECT and my marriage would have still failed. Look how long your marriage lasted! Be honest, we all know it lasted that long because of YOU. YOU kept the home together. You stepped up for your children. Doctors tend to get a boost in society just b/c of the D.R. but… I’d be willing to be that his status in the community was in great part because of YOU. You took the family to church, built a life of dignity. HE could not/would not have done it.
Yes, I did make mistakes. I was blind, I wanted that picket fence dream, I didn’t face reality for a long time. And I made decisions and behaved in ways that sabotaged myself. BUT… all this is NORMAL. These are the ways NORMAL people go about trying to create the life that they choose.
Your, mine, our problem was the foundation was built with one constant wobble. A sociopath.
Could you have done something different? Something more? Of course! That’s true for all of us. There are infinite numbers of different choices we could have made.
But the greater truth is… because he’s a sociopath, the outcome would be the same.
You will see that I am right because as time goes by and you live in freedom, your choices will begin to matter more. You will actually progress in life, there’s no one to tear down your efforts, no more sociopath to keep you from succeeding. The yoke is off. No more hindsight. Your possibilities are before you. And they could NEVER have been when you were married to HIM.
ps I LOVE the other posts above. What you all write give me such strength. Bless YOU ALL.
Thanks, NotWhatHeSaidofMe! I really can relate to all you said and it is true – there is NOTHING I could have done to change him. He doesn’t get it and he never will. I valued family and marriage and that’s why I stuck it out. He doesn’t value those things and so it never could have worked. Thanks so much for your support!
Juniper, I am sending you huge hugs today for you hon….I am so glad you reached out to lovefraud today with your story because you are right we sadly get the hell you have been living in, your counselor does not and will never get it so FIRE her asap and find a counselor who is extremely knowledgable with narcissistic/sociopathic abuse (your local abuse center might have a good outside counselor recommendation or check with Steven Hassan of freedomofmind.com).
There was nothing more that you could have done to help this man or do to make your marriage work…or to ever change who he is = sociopath. He has a brain birth defect plain and simple. This man manipulated you into a relationship with him because you were a kind soul…he has manipulated people his whole life including your marriage counselor…these evil people know exactly how to manipulate everyone. he will manipulate the next victims into his dysfunctional game and use the same exact tactics on her as he did on you…all of his relationships will be abusive…it does not matter if the women stands up to him or not he will suppress her by mind control and brain washing to control her too….this is what uneducated counselors dont get.
I remember sitting on the marriage counselors couch the first session we went to, she asked to speak to us separately for about 10 mins each…I told her that my husband was a liar and lied about everything, never had any remorse or guilt for his horrible actions, manipulated everyone and would manipulate her too (she of course said she could not be manipulated lol), he cheated, was cunning, etc etc….after a few sessions she told me that I was to blame for the marriage problems…I was so flabbergasted by her comments that I literally could not speak but knew right then and there he had manipulated her too…..I thought to myself what the hell am I doing except tying to keep our marriage together while my husband was lying about everything, cheating, using pity play to control me, abused me etc…I now know that every word I used to describe my ex h unknown to me that day to that counselor is on the list of sociopathic traits and she never pick up on that. I was so desperate for help out of my abusive marriage but more importantly I was so brain washed that I literally needed someone to tell me to get out and show me how…that counselor fail me and I wonder how many other victims of a sociopath she has not helped because of her lack of education
I stayed another 7 years in hell…when I finally crawled out of hell I found a counselor unknown to me that knew exactly what I had endured and told me so within the first 20 mins of my first session and gave me the book Women who love psychopaths to read. That was eye opening to say the least. Because of the first counselor (marriage counselor) not being educated on domestic abuse and more importantly on sociopathic domestic abuse I stayed in hell for 7 more years…
when I think back I am so mad at that women for not being educated on domestic abuse and because of her I stayed thinking it was my fault that I was the one needing to change even though my gut was screaming I was not the problem (yes we all have issues but they are tiny compared to a sociopath’s issues). The problem is these evil people know how to mind control exactly like a cult leader does to their cult followers…if society looked at domestic abusers as cult leaders then they would get what we have endured. The fact is I saw his red flags the second I met him, I did not want to date him, move in with him, marry him, or stay married to him but he was so so masterful at getting his way he just steamed rolled over my thick personal boundaries which at the time would infuriate me but yelling or fighting would never had changed his behavior. same goes with your ex.
During my marriage I saw my ex h manipulation of me, his family, friends, co workers, the divorce court etc….I even witness him trancing or hypnotizing people in the divorce court (quite shocking to witness but a good reality that I had no chance to make my marriage work).
Things for you to look up:
gas lighting abuse
sociopath mind control
no contact rule narcissist
Know that these sociopaths use gas lighting abuse, reward and punishment, install fear & phobia’s in to the victims mind, brain wash, mind control.
The best think you can do in addiction to finding a knowledgeable counselor is to read everything you can get your hands on about his mental disorder this will open up your mind to the abuse you endured….
Aside from Donna’s books here are a few books that helped me:
Freedom of mind by Steven Hassan
Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft
Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown
Gift of Fear by gavin Debecker (google “oprah gavin debecker you tube” to watch Oprahs interview with him)
The sociopath next door by Dr Martha Stout (this one you can listen to on you tube for free just google)
Facebook support sites:
One moms battle
After narcissistic abuse (there is light life and love)
Websites:
Onemomsbattle.com
afternarcissisticabusewordpress.com
psychopathyawareness.com
psychopathfree.com
According to Steven Hassan cult/relationship expert anyone and everyone can get sucked into a sociopaths con game if they have a life change such as going off to college, moving to a new city, a divorce or relationship breakup, death in the family, new job etc etc..Why this time? because people have their guard down dealing with the life time…for me I had just moved to a new state and had a new job.
You are a good person who sadly go in the pathway of a sociopath like all of us and because of lack of education we fell victims to their con game. What did we do wrong in our relationship? 1) we were not educated prior (sadly if we had been we would have know right away) 2)Not listen to our gut the first second we met them and walked away right then and there. We did nothing else wrong. Now we must undue all the brain washing they installed in our minds…not an easy thing to do but with time you do move back towards your prior self.
You are going to come out of this hell and you will thrive!! Wishing you all the best!
Thanks for all the advice, Jan7. I realize he has charmed and manipulated almost everyone in our circles. I have a couple friends who are supportive of me but it is hard for people to think I am not just exaggerating – he is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Completely different treatment of me and others in public. But I have comfort in knowing that I am soon to be FREE of him!! That makes me so happy I don’t care what others think!
Hi Juniper….his friends one day will see his mask slip..they will remember what you told them about him…and they will see the truth (someday…hopefully sooner then later).
I was thinking maybe you should print all of these comment post and send them to your therapist…it’s time for her to get educated…1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopath/psychopath…there is no doubt that she has other victims of sociopathic abuse sitting on her couch who are not being told the truth about their spouse because of her lack of knowledge. (just a thought).
with regards to your freedom…that word always makes me think back to our founding fathers and the declaration of independence…they too had dealt with sociopaths because they found it so vitally important to put in the words each man has the right to “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness” in the Declaration of Independence that speaks volumes!!.
Definition of liberty:
right to choose: the freedom to think or act without being constrained by necessity or force
freedom: freedom from captivity or slavery
basic right: a political, social, and economic right that belongs to the citizens of a state or to all people
Best of luck for your new found FREEDOM!!!!!
I also want to add that the new reality show TrueTori is a perfect example of a marriage counselor who is absolutely clueless about sociopathic domestic abuse and is not helping Tori Spelling out of her emotional/mental abusive marriage and way from her abusive husband…very scary to watch and very sad too. if you go to lifetime.com you can watch the past show episodes.
Sad that most therapist are not educated when a victim is desperately reaching out for help.
OMG, Jan7! I said the same thing about Dean McDermott! I put it out on Twitter! I stumbled on that show by accident, though I had heard a little about her marriage on TV, or something. Did you get a load of him “disclosing” his suicide wish in therapy?! Took all the attention off of Tori and her pain over his cheating. CLASSIC spath! Now I see this stuff so clearly… And you are right–the therapist is painfully clueless!
it really makes me sick to my stomach that her counselor does nothing to help Tori out of her abusive relationship…their counseling sessions were exactly like mine…when I watch the pain, stress and confusion Tori is under it just is heart wrenching.
It is so hard for people to understand. Just last night I had a dinner with a friend I have only known 4 years. We were talking about our ex/marriages and I stated to her, “he just wanted and wants to destroy me.” She stated back, “I don’t believe that he wants to destroy you.” She does not know my ex and I have not spoken directly about his disorder but it is a concept, like physics, that until you study it/ or in this case, live it, you only have a laymans grasp. It is really difficult for people who want to believe that people are basically good to understand this.
Yes, stopbuggingme, it is really discouraging when people don’t believe us. I feel like it may be easy to miss the signs (I certainly did for a while!) but when someone TELLS you, why would you discount it?! I have had the same experience. People haven’t contradicted me to my face, but they have dropped me and continue to see HIM! In one case it’s the members of our tennis club–and he STOLE from them!
Some days I can handle this better than others. But it is a sort of life sentence when you get entangled with an spath. The fallout never seems to end. I am currently packing to move out of the house I helped design and build, and hoped to raise a loving family in. You can probably figure out how that went… And he’s likely out playing tennis. Ugh.
Yes StopbuggingMe and LL Mequon,
It is so demoralizing that they get away with so much because people won’t believe us. It essentially silences us. And I haven’t ever told people the really bizarre stuff he did. They are dismissing obvious stuff, they’d tell me that surely I was exaggerating.
LL Melquon,
We also built our own home. I worked like a dog because I expected to live out all my years there. My soul was in that home. I designed it. It was very hard to let it go. But my ex used it to control me and I had to take back control of myself. He thought I’d never leave him because of that house. It was my picket fence dream. But he failed to understand that he poisoned it, which is how I was able to let it go. He poisoned it, like he poisoned every good memory.
I do something kinda mean.
I wish ALL the people who thought him so wonderful a long long association with him. We know how that will end.
Notwhathesaidofme,
Yep. Same story here. He thought I’d stay for the house–he actually proposed a legal separation, rather than a divorce, thinking we would just live in the house together, I guess. HA! I know now he didn’t want me to discover all of his tax and financial crimes, also.
It was hard to realize that the divorce wasn’t the end of the perfect life we had–there was NEVER any perfect life. As you say, all of our memories are tainted. I am packing to move out in a few weeks. The loss of the house means so much less to me than I thought it would. It’s just a monument to the years of stress, struggle and pain I endured to keep that picket fence dream alive in the midst of a sociopathic hurricane.
LL Mequon,
I had a hard time with the poisoned memories. So I went back and redid them, or rather, I did them a different way so that they were unique.
I retook photos, I ate different foods, I found new songs that make my heart sing. I found NEW special spots. All my furniture is different. I don’t cut my hair the same. All my clothes are different. I embraced new pets, new favorite colors, new traditions at the holidays.
I have new friends who don’t know him at all, they only know that I had a difficult divorce from a bad man and that I am rebuilding my life. We don’t talk about it at all. We have better things to talk about.
Funny how he told everyone that I wouldn’t let him go, while he was the one who made it so difficult to get divorced. And the settlement was all in his favor, he just didn’t get control of me anymore. I used to wonder why I was so cursed.
As time goes on, you will be counting your ever increasing blessings. That’s what I’ve realized. I am SO BLESSED.
Stopbuggingme,
I had someone try and warn me and I told him how wrong he was, and was in complete denial about the signs I was already feeling and seeing. It was still months before I felt the emotional bottom drop out of my life. After I did, I sent that man a card and apologized for doubting him.
People are so afraid of pain, that we sometimes believe if we deny then we won’t ever come to harm.
I think one of deepest misconceptions that most people hold dear is that everyone is a good person deep down. A Freudian concept, that is not true.