Editor’s Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by reader whom we’ll call “Juniper.”
I have been married for 22 years and have five children. I realized the first year of our marriage that I had married a “psycho” but thought I could help him with my unconditional love and support. He is completely controlling, manipulative, abusive, selfish, and has never shown empathy or compassion to me or our children. He doesn’t have relationships with his kids because he chooses not to bond with them.
I stayed with him because I believed there must be some good somewhere in him, after all, he was a born again Christian, knew almost every verse in the Bible from memory and sometimes preached on Sundays. Deep down he was a “good” man and I believed he just needed the love and support of a good woman to turn him around.
Married life was hell
Fast forward 22 years — I have lived a life of hell. He is addicted to pornography, television, food, exercise, work and every other self serving desire. His favorite pastime is yelling and lecturing the children and I about our faults. We have been to many therapists, etc. Read every book.
He would “change” just enough to give me hope and keep me around. I suspected infidelity but had no proof. He was verbally abusive to me and the children. Sometimes he was physically abusive to the kids, but very rarely (which I did put a stop to). He hated spending time with us on vacations, days off, etc. He just always wanted to do his own thing.
He has made me responsible for all our finances, everything to do with the kids, the house, etc. He basically just earns a paycheck and does whatever he wants. Of course, if there is ever a problem then he blames me — he takes no responsibility for anything. He is an extremely intelligent, successful, award winning doctor. He is respected and admired in our community.
Inappropriate touching
Last June a female patient of his accused him of inappropriately touching her. He denied it and since she is a “troubled” patient and on narcotics — it wasn’t pursued. However, they did require that all female patients to his office be chaperoned by a female nurse. I know my husband and I know, without doubt, these accusations are true. He sort of admitted it without really admitting it.
Blamed by the therapist too
I filed for divorce in February. Just today I met with our previous marriage counselor to update her on our status and see if she had any advice to help me and our children cope with this. After months of grieving and recovering and feeling stronger she has reduced me to a sobbing, insecure, blob in one hour!
She went on and on about how my co- dependent attitude just enabled my husband to continue his bad behavior. She said that if I had stood up to him years ago and given him consequences then he would have changed. Her thinking is that I let him behave badly and there was no motivation on his part to change because I would always be there for him.
It is so confusing to hear this because, part of me thinks she is right! The other part of me realizes he is a sociopath who is incapable of any compassion or love for me or the children and that nothing I did or didn’t do would change his completely self-serving attitude.
I’m married to a sociopath
This feedback from her is so hurtful. I realize some people will never understand the fact that I am married to a sociopath! But it is beyond hurtful and damaging to me that she somehow blames me for the demise of our marriage! I never believed in divorce. All I ever wanted was a happy family and children.
I will say that because my husband is a work-aholic and didn’t want to participate in raising our kids I was able to raise really wonderful kids who love others and respect others. Also, my 20, 18 and 14 year olds don’t want anything to do with dad. He has shown them his true colors and they barely know him.
I guess I am writing you because I know you get it. You know what it is like to be married to a psycho and to have some people just not “get it.” It is so hurtful to feel like I have been the strong one, the fighter, the good parent, etc., and then to have someone criticize me, blame me and make me feel like the one at fault. It just messes up your mind and emotions.
My husband has moved out and rarely contacts me or the kids. Thank God! He didn’t even ask to visit them. My younger two, ages ten and eight, wanted to see him so I made him set up visitations. I am asking for sole custody so I don’t have to deal with his controlling, manipulative behavior.
Looking for validation
I guess my goal in writing you is to have someone relate to me. Everyone sees this man as such a great guy and they think I am the one throwing in the towel for no good reason. It’s hard to be misunderstood but I am realizing that is just the way it will be with most people.
Deep down I know I did everything I could to make this work but others have seen us as a “good, Christian couple” who went to church every Sunday. I understand that from the outside looking in they would think it was this great marriage and great family. I feel like I have been perpetuating a lie. Now I have to deal with people believing I am the “bad guy” for divorcing him.
I know it will get better but, boy, does it SUCK right now!! It’s hard to not to wonder, “Could I have done more? Could I have done something different?”
Juniper, I was verbally attacked by the very person who alerted me to the fact that the guy I was dating was a sociopath. In the first 3 weeks after the break-up (still not clear what happened because he didn’t take any responsibility for discarding me), I needed support and validation. Instead, my friend told me I was still talking about him and therefore, she couldn’t be around me any more. She really put me down for being where I was at, even though she herself had been through the same thing. She was a member of AA and gave me their AA Bible to read. She tried to tell me how messed up I was and how much I needed to follow the 12 steps. I found it insulting and disrespectful. It took me a while to forgive her. When a therapist does it, it’s reprehensible. I don’t think you have cause to report the therapist to the Department of Regulatory Agencies, because I don’t know if she did anything that was outside of their guidelines. She counseled you to the best of her knowledge, which was obviously skewed. But she caused you more harm than good. I would not go back to her.
Over the years, I have found some very bad, unkind, and dishonest therapists. For this reason, I’m very wary of them as a group. Even the ones who don’t do all of those things sometimes just are not on the same wavelength as me, and their “help” is not helpful. Hopefully, as you are further along in your own recovery, you will need less and less validation from others.
Having said all that, I believe there are things that we do need to address within ourselves that made us all vulnerable to a predator. Ultimately we do need to take responsibility for our own lives and choices. But it’s hard to see clearly what your choices were when you are brainwashed and conned. None of us knew we were being conned, and none of us knowingly signed up for that.
Juniper I’m sad to read your story – I see so many parallel’s with my own but I’m very glad for you and your children that you are finally out of it. Don’t think it will be easy though. He may have agreed to a divorce and so far may not be interested in custody but be on your guard – that could change. Keep every email, every text, every piece of paperwork and a proper timed/dated record of any significant conversation or action. Seriously!
Regarding your therapist’s comments. I think they were harsh and probably verging on being totally unprofessional but like you, there are times when I’ve felt mildly ‘responsible’. That’s why I continue to read letters, etc on this site. Because they remind me again and again that I am not responsbile for his behaviour. No matter what I would have done – he is what he is. Just like you and many others, I thought I could change him. He always played the victim well so I believed his past had been difficult – which I now know was rubbish. I couldn’t do anything. He’s a very warped human being – I just didn’t see that for a long time. I do however believe that my putting up with his vile behaviour in a way that other women would not have done – probably hasn’t done him any favours in the long term – purely because I don’t think he will ever be able to sustain a relationship in the future but that is not my problem – nor is it yours! It is his. One of my proudest moments during our very acrimonious divorce was when I replied (to one of his very unpleasant emails in which he was trying once again to turn the onus on to myself and the children) – I wrote: “they are children – you are a 49 year old man. It really is time for you to grow up, accept the consequences of your actions and finally learn to take responsbility and stop blaming everyone else!”
Of course he did none of those things but that’s his loss.
The children want nothing to do with him and I doubt that will ever change. I wouldn’t want his future.
As to what others think about you. I know that feeling to. It used to drive me mad when he was still at home (he refused to move out) and I’d see him outside with his head hung, looking sooooo forlorn and I could hear snippets of his sad, pathetic story. He told others how the divorce came as a ‘bolt out of the blue’ – how he never saw that coming. But he forgets to tell them that he got caught out having an affair with a 29 year old woman living down our road and that even when I gave him the opportunity to still live under the same roof but as friends he still threw it all away by being abusive towards myself and our oldest child! I don’t doubt he has totally demonised me to others but I don’t care and nor should you. The people who matter most, your children, your family and close friends will know the truth!
Good luck and best wishes!
Even after the shock of realising it was a fake relationship and you don’t miss them anymore, the fact that people still believe his lies and think you are the crazy one is so frustrating. There was only one person would listen to me – my sister – and I showed her proof of his taking my lifesavings, proof of all the lovers he had – even emails from some of his really angry mistresses after they discovered they’d been duped, she made excuses for him. ‘Maybe he didn’t realise what he was doing.’ ‘Maybe it’s normal for him.’ and so on. He’s the typical Dr Jekyll/Nr Hyde character. So ‘shy’ and ‘quiet’ she wouldn’t believe he could be the evil monster I described. I showed her emails he’d sent me with many, many lies she knew were lies. So, there’s only me and people on here who have also suffered who believe me and not him. He is the most evil person I have ever met, constantly slandering me. Telling people I do bad things, which is actually what he is doing. But they believe him, not me. It’s easier after 5 months of NO CONTACT, but I cannot discuss him with anyone.
Kathleen…I know this is really hard. It’s something I had to deal with also even if on a smaller scale. I will pray for you that this gets easier. Blessings.
Thank you very much. I don’t speak of him, except on here with people who have also suffered.
Kathleen
The most common response! “maybe he didn’t realize what he was doing.”
Believe it or not, your sister’s response is not personal against you. And it’s normal. People don’t want to be wrong. They don’t want to think that they could be easily manipulated. Look how devastated we are when we find out, and we fight the truth! They don’t have anything vested in changing their opinions.
My ex is the most gifted man I know at image management. Without a conscience, he is the most sincere at blaming, at scapegoating, at pity plays, at avoidance of accountiblity.
YOU, or I should say, ME/Myself/I was hurt, defensive, betrayed. And people’s response was to be defensive against me.
Now that I am near the end of the tunnel with my ex husband, and healed enormously, I can see how my NORMAL responses were perceived by the people that the sociopath had so subtly image managed (mindgamed and manipulated). All my ex had to do was suggest a perfectly plausible explanation, that “of course he didn’t mean it, or didn’t know.”… because no one wants to believe he did such horrid things on purpose.
Your post is a perfect example of the master manipulator who has managed his image perfectly versus the woman who is focused on the truth. The people you are trying to convince have been played by Van Cliburn and you are countering the manipulation with chopsticks.
I learned to let those battles go, and now that I am calm and able to think, I talk to those people from a different attitude, one that is much easier for them to hear. But… in the midst of battle, you need to just take care of YOU and getting what YOU need.
Their good will isn’t on that list… but you can revisit the issue later. At that time, some people will revise their opinion, and some won’t. Those that won’t have an ulterior motive and are self selecting to not be in your inner circle ever again.
ps There is a reason that movie stars and politicians have publicists, to manage their image! If you want more info, google impression management.
Thanks NotWhatHeSaidofMe. You really helped me get through the frustration of me telling the truth and not being believed against his lies being believed! In fact, another close relative said something like ‘How could you be so stupid. I would never ever believe him.’ But at the same time they say how nice he is. Obviously they’re confused and probably would actually fall for the lies. I’m over the attachment part – even the loss of lifesavings and 7 years of wasted time and energy, so it’s just a matter of the constant slander and him telling people he’s been victimized etc. I have NO CONTACT (5 months) with him or even 3rd parties. I find if I don’t discuss him with friends and family it helps forget as well. If anyone mentions him I change the subject so I’m doing better now. Any lies against me are only therefore discussed with people who don’t know his evil character. I just try to live well and hope one day he will be exposed for what he is by someone far less tolerant than me! Thanks again.
I have noticed one thing is that people hear stories all the time of “jerks” and verbal abuse, mental abuse and when we tell them our story they assume that he/she can’t be that bad. Since they are clueless about sociopaths, they are quick to assume there are 2 sides to every story or that we are exaggerating or whatever. Most people think sociopaths are easy to spot or murderers, at the very least in prison. That’s my experience anyway. It’s up to us though to help educate as many as we can!
Yes, that’s the point. They are clueless about sociopaths, as was I before and during my relationship and marriage to him. It was only after he left when my money was gone, that I started researching. Wow! It was like suddenly my eyes opened and everything fell into place. All the false accusations, doubts, obvious lies etc. I’m angry at myself for giving the benefit of all those doubts for many years when I should have trusted my instincts – I do now! But, of course, we are innocent, naïve victims of evil people and should try to console ourselves because of it. We have to realise it isn’t our fault. We were blind to the fake person’s mask and evil character. It could be very difficult to educate as many as we can, when they don’t believe the truth. We need to update the saying ‘2 sides to every story’ because that’s not the case when a sociopath targets a victim. It’s frustrating to imagine that he will target many hundreds of victims after me. I once discovered more than 150 on his phone plus all that come after as he trawls the many dating sites all day and night. He has the time. He won’t work and loves money and lots and lots of casual sex with many, many victims. He lies on his profiles. One asks ‘safe sex?’ He puts ‘yes’ – not true. He never uses a condom and goes to the sex clinic regularly. He gave me my first STI when I was 58 years’ old. It should be a serious crime.
Just so you know I am a living example of putting down boundaries and standing up to a man who was like your spath. It doesn’t make a difference. In fact, it may make it worse. Once he knew the jig was up and could no longer manipulate me he escalated to physical violence. I never felt I deserved his ill treatment of me, it never made a difference. It has nothing to do with you, it is all about them and their agenda, you are just a bit player.
Yes! I submitted too and then when I started standing up to him he no longer had the power he needed over me and it was way worse. That’s one thing that made me see the truth and leave though!
Juniper, I think it is a testament to the good in all of us who stay an inordinate amount of time with their spaths, especially when children are involved. I was married 22 yrs before I finally left…I too, believed that if only… I loved him more,..could be a better wife, ..mother… He was a medical professional who “played with narcotics” thru the years,..he chose a life with drugs, not relationships..but ALWAYS maintained a functional appearance at work.. no one ever suspected. His older two boys have nothing to do with him,.. but my youngest, a girl…13..doesn’t see it…and she maintains her relationship with him by doing exactly as she’s told, when she visits.. he gives nothing more than alms to her, and it’s very sad that she craves this kind of attention from ANY man, let alone her father… She knows I am always here, as are her brothers, …but she defends him to the hilt, and it’s very difficult to “live and let live”…I hate to sit back and watch him manipulate her. My biggest fear is that she’ll pick some creep, just like him , and repeat the cycle…
I totally agree. I was married 23 yrs in a relationship with my ex path for 25 years. For the first half I often blamed myself – or accepted some responsbility because he would twist and turn everything to make it seem that it was all my fault. Eventually – and mainly through seeing his behaviour with others – I slowly began to realise that it really wasn’t me – it never had been. My confidence on that matter grew and I became less pliable, which is really when our marriage started to crumble as he gradually felt his control slipping. Its also when our sex life ended. It hadn’t been very frequent prior to that but at least it existed but he never loved me – he just needed to control me and as a very sensual being I guess that was just one more way of doing that. The only reason I tolerated him for the 2nd half was the children, as I felt he was on the whole a decent father. Certainly when they were small. He was very convincing on that front but when I look back – to be honest – he wasn’t even that good a dad. It was always about keeping up a facade of decency. He would take them swimming and pick them up from school when I was working, teach them to ride a bike, etc. But at home, when no one was looking, he had very little to do with them. He never read them a book or bathed them or played or painted with them. He was always ‘busy’ at home. Another example was how when anyone else came round he would go in the back garden to smoke giving the impression he wouldn’t smoke near the children and yet as soon as we were alone….
His behaviour often verged on bullying – even his sister said that when I was re-united with her recently 15 years! Its so hard to know if I did the right thing staying with him but with everything I’ve read on here and with what I now know, I am positive if I had tried to split earlier when the kids were younger he would have fought and fought to take them away from me and god help them if that would have happened so I believe I did right by them.
As it is, at 18 and 19 they want nothing to do with him – which is good because he’s made it plain the feeling is mutual! I’m sad for them that they have ‘lost’ their dad but also relieved for them that he is out of their lives.
I hope that one day your daughter will see things as they are and break free – in the meantime all you can do is be there for her 100% – it would be a real worry to me too. (( ))
I am so sad to read your story. It could have been mine. I too was married over 20 years and always wanted to see the good in him. I am glad you filed for divorce to put an end to it. Be very careful during divorce proceeding. I cut of all contact. Every email, message or taped phone call he can use against you in court . Especially when it is a child custody matter. Now mine was “just” a divorce without minor children. But it was ugly, one motion after motion had to be filed. From hiding financials to whatever. He made this divorce as difficult as possible. Driving up my attorney costs. He wasted marital assets on the mistress, depleted accounts, changed direct deposits and basically left me with nothing. And not just me but also his only 18 year old child.
My divorce is coming to an end with a very favorable outcome for me. Thanks to my zealous attorney who was always fighting for my legal rights, protected my emotions in court and stood up for me. Please retain the most aggressive, male attorney you can afford. Don’t go with a female lawyer. I felt that that a male attorney would not be as easily manipulated by “his so good looks”. And it was true. Ask for everything possible on the divorce.
As far as counselors. I was a little dissappointed in mine also. When we were in marriage counseling I think she made a lot of excuses for his cheating.
I am not sure if you watch the show “true tori “. I know it’s a tabloid but it shows you what a sociopath is like. Cold, no empathy , selfish and blaming his wife (the mother of his 4 children) for his cheating. Unbelievable.
Good luck. Try to stay strong for your children. I still feel for my son who had to watch me cry every day. Those days are over. Happiness and stability has returned to our lives. It just took a while and over 14000$ to my attorney. But this was the best thing I ever spent money on. Never regretted it once. 🙂
I agree about the saving EVERYTHING yourself too and keeping in mind he may be doing the same!
On the getting a lawyer, I had a fantastic female lawyer who saw straight through my ex without even meeting him. They work for YOU remember so no matter what their job is to protect you. If they don’t (male or female) then fire them.
One thing that helped me is that I knew he wanted to get the divorce FAST (which I know is not always the case) so he could go on to his next “quest”. Once he knew I was gone, he was over me. I used that to manipulate HIM to settle fairly equally. He wanted out and I wasn’t going to do that until I got my fair share! He even wanted joint custody of my dog and he never even fed it or walked it before just to keep some kind of “hold” on me. I refused and he was MAD. But he agreed finally. Sometimes they just want out!
Wow, I have been on this website over a year, and I am still struck by the similarities. My ex did the same thing during our divorce: hid financials, ran up my attorney fees, etc. Because I am in a community property state I am paying half of his debt (most of which I didn’t know about!) and he got half of my pension and deferred comp. Our house just sold more than a year after the divorce (and he would not move out! Is in in-law apartment) and I will be getting about $8000–a house worth more than half a million that we lived in for 16 years!
I agree about the attorney being male. I had a VERY smart female attorney. But she just did not grasp the behaviors of a sociopath. I think she learned toward the end, but not soon enough to help me much. Of course, being in a community property state didn’t help!
Ugh. I am moving in about two weeks. I am afraid about finances, but SO glad to have some distance from this creep!
Juniper,
An education and a license don’t mean the therapist knows what’s she’s talking about. In fact, everything’s she’s said to you…think the opposite. Claim the opposite.
You did brilliantly my dear, you survived!
She’s a stupid person for whom…
Wait for it…
Ignorance Is Bliss
And to pretend otherwise makes her a fool.
Foolish ppl and their uninformed opinions don’t count. She is, in fact, not an expert. Ignore her words. She’s an ass.
Grrrrrrrr these expert idiots make my blood boil.
That’s why I won’t go for therapy. It seems like everyone I know doesn’t even understand sociopathy including ‘professionals.’ I often read ‘you must go for therapy’ – I think it would most likely make me feel worse by not being believed and him coming out the victim/hero!
Just had an appointment with a lawyer today to make out a will. I’m separated (2+ years) and have to wait the full 5 years for obvious reasons – he would contest it, lie in court etc. The lawyer just told me she’s a divorce lawyer too. So I said ‘I don’t know how much you know about sociopathy…’ then ‘he married me for money, is promiscuous, a parasite’ she didn’t understand. See? They don’t understand. Just want money themselves but don’t even understand. Grrr. Don’t want to wait, but I have to. It’s a stupid law anyway. Wait 5 years? For what reason? It will still be the same result after I’ve waited and waited. She said I could go for unreasonable behaviour. Really? I told her he would lie, turn it around to me being the perpetrator and try for even more money.