Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Marcia.” She describes her involvement with a man who she now believes is a sociopath, and how her relationship had three distinct phases.
I met him on Chemistry.com in February of 2009. He wrote to me through the site and we corresponded several times before speaking on the phone. I liked his profile very well and enjoyed his style of writing and what he wrote in our correspondence. When we spoke on the phone, we had no problem starting and maintaining a conversation on the phone. He was articulate, intelligent and had all the time in the world for me.
We met on March 6, 2009 for a drink. I got there first and very symbolic of our relationship, he blindsided me and sneaked behind me and playfully grabbed the back of my neck. The attraction and chemistry was immediate. He was extremely charming. He looked into my eyes with such a piercing look that I felt he was seeing through me. He was fun. He made me laugh. He treated me like a gentleman. He had a great energy. I just enjoyed being around him and with him all the time.
That very same night we had dinner together and made love. Since I was an hour away from him, I was staying at a hotel that night. So he stayed with me and we had a wonderful and relaxing breakfast on the porch next morning. When I was leaving he asked me if I could see him next day. I was coming to town to see a ballet with my girlfriend so we decided to have dinner with my girlfriend. He invited me to stay at his place that night and I accepted.
Lavish flattery
Lavish flattery began immediately. There was nothing I could do wrong. I was sexy, I was beautiful, I was attractive, my energy was great, it was fun to be around me, I was the best mother, I was the best doctor, I was the best lover, I was the best friend, I had great taste for clothing and jewelry, nobody has ever loved him like I did, he had never loved anyone like he loved me, he would marry me in a heartbeat, finally he had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that is why he had never settled down before, he did not want to settle for less, and I was the proof he was right to wait for the right person.
Every time he would see me, he couldn’t catch his breath (he was such a great actor, there was a visible pause in the movement of his chest). I was wise, I was brave, I was evolved, I was everything he would ever wanted from a woman. I was funny. He had such a great time with me no matter what we did together. I was fit. I was strong. He would send me fifty text messages a day telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how even exchanging text messages he would be aroused, and how he was so attracted to me. He would bring me roses, buy me jewelry, music, wine, etc.
The pity play
Pity play began almost at the same time. He told me how abusive his parents were. How his mom used to scream at him and beat him. How his father was always dissatisfied with him and how he was refusing to tell him that he was proud of him to this day. How his parents’ divorce when he was 20 affected him because he was put in the middle. And then it was his wife and how she cheated on him with many men including his closest friends, and how she got pregnant many times and had an abortion every time, how he knew it was because those were not his children, how she gave him a genital wart and he had to have surgery to remove it. Then it was his ex-girlfriend and how she was dependent on drugs and him and she would not let go of him and how he could not leave her because everyone in her family had abandoned her after she had disclosed that she had been sexually abused by a family member. And how his boss was treating him just like his dad did and how abusive the boss was, etc.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
From that point on, we had four months of amazing time together. Retrospectively that was the “honeymoon phase of our relationship.” Also retrospectively I see that things were moving very fast. Only a week after we met, he was telling his mother that he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and in the first month of our relationship he bought me a ring as a present. It was not an engagement ring and he did not propose but he emphasized that he had never given a woman a ring before.
Many women
Very quickly he started introducing me to his friends. He “could not wait.” We went and visited his mom in Rhode Island for Mother’s Day and she liked me and my seven-year old daughter very much. She told him “she is beautiful not only on the outside but inside.” In that trip I also met his father, his stepmother, and two of his three brothers. During my visit, his mom told me that he has brought so many women home that she had told him “no more women unless they have a ring on their hand.” I looked at him, he laughed and pointed to the ring and said, “she has a ring.”
That was the very first time I questioned him. I told him I thought taking me to his mom was something special. He became very defensive and angry. He said after his wife of five years left him 18 years earlier, he had been single and dating and “naturally” had met many women. He said he had taken about five of them home but not to introduce to his mom. He just invited them to join him in the trip to his hometown. He said he had taken only two women to introduce to his mom as people he had considered marrying. He was upset with me for a couple of days after we returned but then sent me an email and apologized for his mother’s “insensitive” remark and his own as well.
On another occasion when we were staying with one of his friends when his friend’s 8-year-old daughter asked him why he did not bring his “other girlfriends.” He asked who she was talking about and she named a few names! He did not respond but I immediately felt like a number and completely disposable. I discussed how it made me feel with him but his universal response was anger and blaming things on me, my “insecurity,” my “fears,” etc.
Borrowing money
Very soon he prepared me for borrowing money. He told me how someone had scammed him on paying his student loans and how he had all this debt to pay but it was all going to be clear in a couple of months. How he had been helping a friend in advertising for his business and how he was not paying him and how there were thousands of dollars he would be receiving soon from him. How he was so responsible with money and he would never use a credit card and only use debit card so he knows he only spends the money he has. How he would appreciate it if I put costs of all the activities we were doing together on my credit cards and once his student loan is clear, he would pay me back. Soon he would ask me to put charges related to his canoe club on my credit card promising that once he collects money from members of the club, he would pay me back. Once his boss fired him, he could not pay for his bills and rent and he would insist that he could not borrow money from me. He had gained my trust at such a deep level that I handed him a blank signed check and then he wrote close to $2000 and cashed it. Later on when I asked him to pay me back, he said he neither had the money to pay me back nor he owed me any money.
Relationship had three distinct phases
As described in any typical relationship with a sociopath/narcissist, our relationship had three distinct phases: honeymoon, tension building, and finally violent phase.
In the honeymoon phase even when we text messaged or talked he would get aroused. Whenever he saw me, whether it was an act or a true reaction, I could visibly see his chest would stop moving and he would take a deep breath and would tell me, “you take my breath away.” He could not keep his hands off me and we made love twice a day when we were together.
In the tension-building phase, our sex life suddenly went from what I would rate 10 out of 10 to 1 out of 10. This was so sudden and so drastic that I suspected he might have developed erectile dysfunction. He no longer initiated having sex with me and when I did, 9 out of 10 times he would say he was “tired.” Other excuses included being “busy” or “depressed.”
This went on until November when I found hundreds of pictures of naked women he was having “cybersex” with on his laptop. There were some emails suggesting he had invited these women to meet and have a drink and “see where it goes” but I had no proof this had actually had happened. He adamantly denied having a physical relationship with any of them. I broke up with him for a week but he asked for forgiveness, cried and said he has had sex-addiction for five years and now is going to get help and promised he would stop doing it right away. I got back with him but our sexual relationship never improved.
Self-centered
Regardless of how legitimate my question or concern was, his very first reaction was always becoming defensive and turning things around and attacking me. This was always followed by a few days of completely shutting me off, not contacting me and even ignoring me when I reached out. Early on in our relationship, after a couple of days, he would contact me and apologize for his reaction. But after the honeymoon phase, the days he would shut me out became longer and longer and no apology was offered. Instead, over time he would build up a grudge and become punitive. In response to many red flags in his behavior, he would accuse me of being insecure, having fear-based reactions, having no impulse control, blowing small things up to huge problems, being depressed, being anxious, not exercising enough, at one time sleeping too much, in another time sleeping too little, lack of self-confidence, etc. At the end he said I was crazy, I was fucked up, I had taken joy out of his life, I had brought negative energy into his life, I had made him depressed, he was not excited to see me anymore, he did not want to be around me and he wanted me out of his life.
By then I had recognized how self-centered he was. It was never about me and my needs. It was only and always about him and no matter how much I gave, he would feel his “deeper needs were not fulfilled.”
Violent phase
The relationship moved into violent phase and beginning mid January, on multiple occasions he tried to hit me and even choke me. This was particularly dangerous three weeks ago when I discovered many text messages on his cell phone indicating he has been sleeping with multiple women during our relationship. When confronted him, he described details of his sexual relationship with this women behind my back, without protection, like he was talking about weather. He had no remorse and no shame and did not offer an apology. He hurt me with such a righteous indignation and entitlement that it was beyond my comprehension. His absolute callous disregard for my feelings and legitimate needs were astonishing. He continued to blame everything, including his cheating and lying to me, on me.
Upon discovery of undeniable truth on his text messages and speaking with the women involved, I left him. I did file a police report but he lied through his teeth and police did not pursue the investigation. Following the tactic of offense is the best defense, he did file multiple police reports on me including one of harassment. He also filed for a protective order, which was denied. Currently I am suing him in Small Claims Court for the money he owes me.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 12, 2010.
To recover from the sociopath, be selfish
Checked my e-mail(which I rarely do)..
And he had sent me a letter,after several months of Really NC,and a few tacky things we sent back and forth here and there..
This e-mail felt like bait,or a hook.
It made my heart sink because it was really unexpected.
I did immediately notice,that although it was deguised as a call for peace,or an extension of the olive branch,Not ONE apology or claim for his part of the responsibility was mentioned.
It was sort of like,”Gee,Its terrible something happened to you,and us,hope ya feel better,C’est La Vie”..
Not addressing the situation as if not one token of it had been even partly his fault(which I assume he believes it is all mine..)
I am insensed,baffled,and paralysed at the moment from disbelief,sadness,and old feelings of still loving this saddistic,
spath…
I thought of him today,for the first time in awhile,
missed the romantic things and the Love and Dreams I once felt were Real with him..
I am very sad..
I will not contact him though..
I am moving on with my life.
Literally..
Im moving to another city on Wednesday..
It is possible that he caught wind of this somehow,and is now wanting to keep that bond..
I really am glad to have found this site.
I do still love him,oddly enough,but my sanity and peace of mind is valuable to me,and I intend to protect it fiercely..
truelove – you WILL get over loving him. it will take some time, but as you go deeper into understanding what he is, it will fade out.
What you describe is well known to many of us – the gaslighting, the smoke and mirrors, the admit no deed at all costs attitude – it’s all standard fare spath communication.
keep focussed. delete the email if you have no legal need for it – and block his email address – he doesn’t deserve access to you and neither do you deserve to lose energy to his bafflegab.
Dear Truelove,
One’s advice is good, and true, it will fade out, but will take time, and I am glad that you are protective of your peace! Even if he HAD said “Oh, my dear it is all my fault” —you can believe it is a LIE. They will never believe it is any of their fault.
THEY ARE THE LIE, FROM HELLO TO GOODBYE! There’s an article here on LF by Aloha one of the early posters here about that, and it is so true!
Block him!!! Delete him! And good luck with your new move!!! (((Hugs)))
hi oxy – how goes the die-et and your exercise today? It’s really nice to hear you gaining strength and momentum with your self care.
I don’t know exactly where to post this article about narcissists from Huffington today, so I’m just gonna stick it here.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-acosta-lisw-cht/nice-but-not-good-the-art_b_772965.html
Narcissism and the Niceness of Wickedness
“Nice can’t be discussed without at least mentioning narcissism. This is especially the case with unsolicited and seemingly inappropriate niceness.
Narcissists are very nice until they don’t get their way. They are great charmers and can get most people to do and accept things that they wouldn’t in their wildest dreams imagine themselves doing or accepting. Narcissists are often very adept con artists.
Narcissism, in psycho-therapeutic parlance, is a term used to indicate a superficial personality type with a hyper-inflated sense of self to compensate for a grievously wounded core. They need a huge amount of support and reinforcement or applause to feel that they have any existence at all. These are people you will often find in the media, in Hollywood, in politics, in positions where they are leading, lording over, or performing for many people. We may understandably expect them there. But we will also find them in car dealerships, in schools, and in our neighborhood associations, because a narcissist is simply someone who puts himself in the center of the universe and fully, comfortably, and syntonically expects you to do the same for him.
As a result, what they want is paramount in any relationship — intimate or fleeting. They are people who don’t accept “no” for an answer easily because it so threatens either their plan, their sense of self-worth (which is actually quite flimsy), or both. In order to keep things moving where they want them to go, they will manipulate with sweetness and charm. If that doesn’t work, they will lie. And if that doesn’t work, in many cases (though not all) they will rage. Sometimes that rage is malignant and can result in profound emotional or bodily harm to others.”
Since J the SP left, I’ve had a narcissist experience, so this was very weighty for me. I had dated this guy, MR, in JrHi. He was the 1st boy I kissed, gave me my first diamond ring at 15. Hadn’t seen him in 50 yrs when he showed up at my door in late August.
He’d found out that I was living in this village “on the river”, so he’d searched me out, stopping at, he said, “23 houses” along the river roads trying to find me. I was sound asleep when I heard someone calling me from my back door. Eyes barely open, in my pjs, I recognized him (as a very very short man: 5’4″, tho he claims 5’6″!). He came in & immediately launched into his life story as I was standing there trying to get my eyes open. “Make coffee”, he said, & started telling me that his wife had died in May (the same wk J left me.) We talked for less than an hour & as he was leaving, he said he’d come back again sometime to take me to dinner in Austin. In his Corvette.
I’m not impressed by Corvettes, but, as you’d say to any old friend, I said, “sure, that would be nice.”
By the time he got back to his home 250mi away he was writing about coming back the next week-end & 2 wk-ends following for “our birthdays”. Whew. I tried my best to be kind & dissuading at the same time. Didn’t work.
A month after he showed up here, after our going to dinner 3x, my fridge went out. BUMMER! And then I had a minor wreck that nite. Double Bummer! And when he called & I pissed & moaned about it, he said, “I’ll be there in the am to get you a new fridge & will get your car out of impound & pay for the body work.”
I said No No No NO NO! But he was here by the time I woke up the next morning, demanding that he & my son & I go pick out a fridge, pick up my car, take it to the body shop….& of course, he’d be staying in town for 3 more days to make sure I was ok….& so we’d go to lunch & dinner for 3 days.
In Dire Straits, I had to accept his help, with the oft-repeated caveat that I’d pay him back as soon as I possibly could. I was precisely, unequivocally, almost brutally clear from the start that there was NO implied relationship between us. Fine, he said. “Same here…you’re an old friend, & I’d do this for any friend.”
And then, the same day, he said he was looking for a full-time relationship. I said NO. Not gonna happen. I wasn’t mean…..was purposely as tactful as possible….but was very firm. Very honest. And, of course, there was NO physical contact! Not even a kiss on the cheek! I did hug him once when he was leaving!
The next time he insisted on coming for a wk-end, I said I said I had plans. Immediately I got an eml berating me for everything I am & saying, “Have a nice life. You don’t have to worry about me anymore.” He sent me eml after eml about how hurt & angry he was that I’d turned down his offer of a LTR!
We had discussed the POSSIBILITY of his taking me on a vacation to Mexico for “as long” as I wanted. After the first mention of it, I backed off…..knowing that there was No Way I could deal with him on more than a “friends having dinner” basis. After I’d “turned down his offer”, he wrote that he’d been thinking of selling his house so that he could buy a place for us in Mexico!! The week after that, he wrote, “I’ve bought a Harley!” After another week of haranguing me about why I’d turned down his offer, he said he’d bought it becuz when we’d come out of a cafe one nite, I’d commented on a H-D, “nice bike.”
I’ve continued to tell him daily for several weeks that, yes, you’re a good friend, yes, thank you for your help, & no, no matter what you say, I will pay you back…..but he continues to write or call every day. And everytime I tell him (as gently as possible) that he needs to cool his f’n jets, he spins off into another tirade about my not understanding what he’s saying….& that he “can lie very well”, but that this time he wasn’t lying about his intentions..that he doesn’t expect ANYTHING from me. Then he said he’d gotten me a Visa card!!! I said, “Getting credit cards isn’t acceptable behavior between friends. Cut it up!”
This man is an absolute narcissist. He’s not physically harmful (I don’t think.) But he’s a very scary guy. These actions are not those of a Normal Person. I don’t see him as a sociopath…..but I certainly see him as a narcissist….his $ help’s been invaluable, but as I told him, “It not only has strings attached,(he’d sworn “no strings”) it’s anchored with huge ropes!” I don’t think he’d harm me, but his emotional/relationship demands are, to me, very narcissistic! I don’t know where this would’ve gone if I hadn’t been absolute in my position to begin with….I know I should’ve never accepted his help, but I needed it badly & told him it could only be a loan.
I don’t know why I felt I had to tell this whole story except that yeah, Niceness can often cover a multitude of hidden agendas! Beware of Greeks bearing gifts!! BTW, he is still a good-looking guy at 67, very well-dressed, & with a lot of $ to toss around—-just as he was in Jr Hi, just as he’s been all his life…..& also 5’4″, just as he’s been all his life.
There’s the “short man complex” w/ the added narcissism!
Whyme – i’d find the money, pay this guy back, and sever all ties. he’s not normal, and you can’t treat him like he is. He is using the mixed signals you are giving him as fuel for his bs.
I know it’s hard when you don’t have money, i was eating at the food bank earlier this year and came close to being on the street…so I know, but you CANNOT allow people you haven’t had in your life for years to enter your life in that way – bad people will take advantage. and he has. You can make it on our own; you can find a way.
Dear Whyme,
I have been independent financially since I was 18, did borrow money while I was in college from my egg donor, but paid it back with interest in a timely manner.
Since 1994 when we built our home and she hers on our family’s farm (her father’s) I’ve still been financially independent. I’ve been employed professionally since I graduated college (I put myself through without any help from her) but she did not know my exact financial status (hers is quite comfortable) but she kept asking if I needed money, I kept saying NO, but she kept offering and actually was quite upset that I wouldn’t take any.
“Gifts” such as your “friend” offer are NOT GIFTS, but payments on CONTROL. By social conditioning we are OBLIGATED to those who have done us favors so if they ASK favors we feel obligated to give them favors “because of all they have done for us.”
What it amounts to is BLACKMAIL. You do NOT owe this man anything even though you have taken his “gifts.” Tell him to bugger off.
I am ADAMANT (as ErinBrock says) about NOT accepting gifts from people that are not true “gifts”—friends do help each other out but there are not strings on it. My best friend and I have always been there for each other, but we don’t keep “score” on who did what for whom, but it is NOT a one sided relationship either.
This man is indeed a narcissist, and a USER and he is attempting to BUY a relationship with you out of gratitude and guilt.
People who can be “bought” are referred to as “WHORES” because they SELL themselves for “money” or services, but an up- front, honest whore who says, “Okay, $20 for sex” is at least being honest and I can respect that. A person who tries to BUY favors and friendship from someone else when that person doesn’t reciprocate the feeling is worse than a “whore.”
Ditch this arsehole, he is trying to use you and you do not owe him anything. Pay the money back if and when you can, but tell him in the meantime to GET GONE and don’t let the door hit him in the ass!
Your assessment of his N-ism is right on. Give yourself a TOWANDA! But just because you felt desperate and took some “favors” doesn’t mean you sold yourself. He was just trying to buy. Now you know what the exchange is all about, so kick him to the curb. You don’t deserve to be treated like a whore when you are not trying to “sell” your friendship or affection and that is what he is trying to do. He took advantage of you being down.
I will be so happy when this election is over, talk about narcisisst and con men – I am hens and I approve this message.
Thank you for the feedback Everyone..
I took your advice,and I blocked him now on all of my e-mail accounts..
I did a little more sleuthing and discovered that it seems he is still with the new gf… WTF?
Why try to “make good” with me?
Didnt even own up to his part.
Was he attempting to asauge his guillt?
My theory is that he’s probably knocked her up now(I was pg when he left me and we were engaged,and we actively “tried” for three months before I got Pregnant)..
He may be attempting to try and “cover his arse”,by sending a half assed(but a very sad excuse for an amends) e-mail to me.
I cant help but think that it is probably still “all about him”,and him trying to look like a good guy.
Probably worried that I would tell the new girl what happened to me..
i.e.-Left me while I was pregnant,etc.(Plus the violent episode)..
I was getting Sooo over and Done with him.
Still am,will…
But,there was no need for his e-mail in my opinion.
It has certainly opened up an old,yet still fairly fresh,wound for me..
The only thing I thought of was that he is trying to escape out of being “the bad guy”(even though Ive been ignoring him for over a month now)..
It only made me feel Angry All over again..
Now I am hurt and sad….Again..
What a jerk!
The other thing is that he could just want to know if I still love him,
so to feed his ego.
And the last theory I have,is that he just doesn’t want me saying bad things about him to our peers,since we are in the same buisness..
Quite frankly,I have said little to nothing to anyone!
It is not my style.
My good friends ,however,know the truth because they were there when he left me alone and pregnant…
It is probably a resentment I will not get over just overnight..
Regardless of his reason for conatcting me,I will not respond to this insincere,e-mail.
I am done with him..
But this really was just pouring salt on an already sore wound..
Thank you for reading my post.
So wish Id simply never heard from the bastard again..
I Had to Vent,and this forum has been so helpful informing me of exactly what Im dealing with..
I am feeling very hurt right this minute..
I will cry tonight,and hopefully, Never cry over this again.
He isn’t worth it.
He has no soul.
PS-
My knee jerk reaction to it,made me want to tell him:
“Dont worry,Im pregnant again by my new love,and I have moved on.
Im happy now,and would appreciate it if you would no longer contacted me any more.There is nothing to say.
Sincerely”
But I didnt.
I deleted all his info,as you guys suggested. : )
Thank you.
I truly Am seeing someone else now though,and these things truly are being discussed.
Im back with an old bf,and he is a very kind,young,goodlooking,non-sociopathic guy..
*Clearly,in my anger,I just wanted to hurt the spath,but NC IS the only way to truly move on.
Now that he’s blocked,it will be easier I believe..