Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Marcia.” She describes her involvement with a man who she now believes is a sociopath, and how her relationship had three distinct phases.
I met him on Chemistry.com in February of 2009. He wrote to me through the site and we corresponded several times before speaking on the phone. I liked his profile very well and enjoyed his style of writing and what he wrote in our correspondence. When we spoke on the phone, we had no problem starting and maintaining a conversation on the phone. He was articulate, intelligent and had all the time in the world for me.
We met on March 6, 2009 for a drink. I got there first and very symbolic of our relationship, he blindsided me and sneaked behind me and playfully grabbed the back of my neck. The attraction and chemistry was immediate. He was extremely charming. He looked into my eyes with such a piercing look that I felt he was seeing through me. He was fun. He made me laugh. He treated me like a gentleman. He had a great energy. I just enjoyed being around him and with him all the time.
That very same night we had dinner together and made love. Since I was an hour away from him, I was staying at a hotel that night. So he stayed with me and we had a wonderful and relaxing breakfast on the porch next morning. When I was leaving he asked me if I could see him next day. I was coming to town to see a ballet with my girlfriend so we decided to have dinner with my girlfriend. He invited me to stay at his place that night and I accepted.
Lavish flattery
Lavish flattery began immediately. There was nothing I could do wrong. I was sexy, I was beautiful, I was attractive, my energy was great, it was fun to be around me, I was the best mother, I was the best doctor, I was the best lover, I was the best friend, I had great taste for clothing and jewelry, nobody has ever loved him like I did, he had never loved anyone like he loved me, he would marry me in a heartbeat, finally he had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that is why he had never settled down before, he did not want to settle for less, and I was the proof he was right to wait for the right person.
Every time he would see me, he couldn’t catch his breath (he was such a great actor, there was a visible pause in the movement of his chest). I was wise, I was brave, I was evolved, I was everything he would ever wanted from a woman. I was funny. He had such a great time with me no matter what we did together. I was fit. I was strong. He would send me fifty text messages a day telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how even exchanging text messages he would be aroused, and how he was so attracted to me. He would bring me roses, buy me jewelry, music, wine, etc.
The pity play
Pity play began almost at the same time. He told me how abusive his parents were. How his mom used to scream at him and beat him. How his father was always dissatisfied with him and how he was refusing to tell him that he was proud of him to this day. How his parents’ divorce when he was 20 affected him because he was put in the middle. And then it was his wife and how she cheated on him with many men including his closest friends, and how she got pregnant many times and had an abortion every time, how he knew it was because those were not his children, how she gave him a genital wart and he had to have surgery to remove it. Then it was his ex-girlfriend and how she was dependent on drugs and him and she would not let go of him and how he could not leave her because everyone in her family had abandoned her after she had disclosed that she had been sexually abused by a family member. And how his boss was treating him just like his dad did and how abusive the boss was, etc.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
From that point on, we had four months of amazing time together. Retrospectively that was the “honeymoon phase of our relationship.” Also retrospectively I see that things were moving very fast. Only a week after we met, he was telling his mother that he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and in the first month of our relationship he bought me a ring as a present. It was not an engagement ring and he did not propose but he emphasized that he had never given a woman a ring before.
Many women
Very quickly he started introducing me to his friends. He “could not wait.” We went and visited his mom in Rhode Island for Mother’s Day and she liked me and my seven-year old daughter very much. She told him “she is beautiful not only on the outside but inside.” In that trip I also met his father, his stepmother, and two of his three brothers. During my visit, his mom told me that he has brought so many women home that she had told him “no more women unless they have a ring on their hand.” I looked at him, he laughed and pointed to the ring and said, “she has a ring.”
That was the very first time I questioned him. I told him I thought taking me to his mom was something special. He became very defensive and angry. He said after his wife of five years left him 18 years earlier, he had been single and dating and “naturally” had met many women. He said he had taken about five of them home but not to introduce to his mom. He just invited them to join him in the trip to his hometown. He said he had taken only two women to introduce to his mom as people he had considered marrying. He was upset with me for a couple of days after we returned but then sent me an email and apologized for his mother’s “insensitive” remark and his own as well.
On another occasion when we were staying with one of his friends when his friend’s 8-year-old daughter asked him why he did not bring his “other girlfriends.” He asked who she was talking about and she named a few names! He did not respond but I immediately felt like a number and completely disposable. I discussed how it made me feel with him but his universal response was anger and blaming things on me, my “insecurity,” my “fears,” etc.
Borrowing money
Very soon he prepared me for borrowing money. He told me how someone had scammed him on paying his student loans and how he had all this debt to pay but it was all going to be clear in a couple of months. How he had been helping a friend in advertising for his business and how he was not paying him and how there were thousands of dollars he would be receiving soon from him. How he was so responsible with money and he would never use a credit card and only use debit card so he knows he only spends the money he has. How he would appreciate it if I put costs of all the activities we were doing together on my credit cards and once his student loan is clear, he would pay me back. Soon he would ask me to put charges related to his canoe club on my credit card promising that once he collects money from members of the club, he would pay me back. Once his boss fired him, he could not pay for his bills and rent and he would insist that he could not borrow money from me. He had gained my trust at such a deep level that I handed him a blank signed check and then he wrote close to $2000 and cashed it. Later on when I asked him to pay me back, he said he neither had the money to pay me back nor he owed me any money.
Relationship had three distinct phases
As described in any typical relationship with a sociopath/narcissist, our relationship had three distinct phases: honeymoon, tension building, and finally violent phase.
In the honeymoon phase even when we text messaged or talked he would get aroused. Whenever he saw me, whether it was an act or a true reaction, I could visibly see his chest would stop moving and he would take a deep breath and would tell me, “you take my breath away.” He could not keep his hands off me and we made love twice a day when we were together.
In the tension-building phase, our sex life suddenly went from what I would rate 10 out of 10 to 1 out of 10. This was so sudden and so drastic that I suspected he might have developed erectile dysfunction. He no longer initiated having sex with me and when I did, 9 out of 10 times he would say he was “tired.” Other excuses included being “busy” or “depressed.”
This went on until November when I found hundreds of pictures of naked women he was having “cybersex” with on his laptop. There were some emails suggesting he had invited these women to meet and have a drink and “see where it goes” but I had no proof this had actually had happened. He adamantly denied having a physical relationship with any of them. I broke up with him for a week but he asked for forgiveness, cried and said he has had sex-addiction for five years and now is going to get help and promised he would stop doing it right away. I got back with him but our sexual relationship never improved.
Self-centered
Regardless of how legitimate my question or concern was, his very first reaction was always becoming defensive and turning things around and attacking me. This was always followed by a few days of completely shutting me off, not contacting me and even ignoring me when I reached out. Early on in our relationship, after a couple of days, he would contact me and apologize for his reaction. But after the honeymoon phase, the days he would shut me out became longer and longer and no apology was offered. Instead, over time he would build up a grudge and become punitive. In response to many red flags in his behavior, he would accuse me of being insecure, having fear-based reactions, having no impulse control, blowing small things up to huge problems, being depressed, being anxious, not exercising enough, at one time sleeping too much, in another time sleeping too little, lack of self-confidence, etc. At the end he said I was crazy, I was fucked up, I had taken joy out of his life, I had brought negative energy into his life, I had made him depressed, he was not excited to see me anymore, he did not want to be around me and he wanted me out of his life.
By then I had recognized how self-centered he was. It was never about me and my needs. It was only and always about him and no matter how much I gave, he would feel his “deeper needs were not fulfilled.”
Violent phase
The relationship moved into violent phase and beginning mid January, on multiple occasions he tried to hit me and even choke me. This was particularly dangerous three weeks ago when I discovered many text messages on his cell phone indicating he has been sleeping with multiple women during our relationship. When confronted him, he described details of his sexual relationship with this women behind my back, without protection, like he was talking about weather. He had no remorse and no shame and did not offer an apology. He hurt me with such a righteous indignation and entitlement that it was beyond my comprehension. His absolute callous disregard for my feelings and legitimate needs were astonishing. He continued to blame everything, including his cheating and lying to me, on me.
Upon discovery of undeniable truth on his text messages and speaking with the women involved, I left him. I did file a police report but he lied through his teeth and police did not pursue the investigation. Following the tactic of offense is the best defense, he did file multiple police reports on me including one of harassment. He also filed for a protective order, which was denied. Currently I am suing him in Small Claims Court for the money he owes me.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 12, 2010.
To recover from the sociopath, be selfish
truelove – you can’t hurt him if he is a spath. this is the sad truth. read more here and you will get a better understanding about the ways they are different from us. They’ll get mad or frustrated or enraged because they feel they are ‘losing’- but hurt? no.
they tend to recontact us when they want to play us some more, want to line us up for future BS. He may well be doing ‘damage control’ as part of the story he’s concocted about you and your relationship with him. Just know to NEVER treat him like he’s normal. He will ALWAYS have an ulterior motive, and it will always be something that isn’t good for you. They are, at least, extremely emotionally dangerous people.
The more you read about these folks the more you will see and understand his patterns and what his real motives were. I am still pealing back the onion of the things the spath said to me. It takes time. There is a whole lot of sadness and anger for most of us when we really start figuring out what has been done to us.
Dear Truelove,
The fact that his emaill upset you shows that you have some more “work” to do in healing from this episode.
First off, could I suggest that you keep on reading and learning about psychopaths and also about healing yourself. It is about what HE did and does, but also WHY we let them in in the first place, why we trusted so soon. Why would you trust this man enough to want to have a baby with him? What was “wrong” with your trust-meter?
Having a baby with someone is a BIG life time decision that is usually best not made until a relationship is ROCK SOLID and TESTED and TRUE since kids are ideally raised by TWO parents. What was it about him that made you think this was a life-time, rock solid connection that was going to LAST “forever”?
Learning from the abuse and betrayal starts out about why did they do that mean thing? But many times, ends up being about “why did I pick this person?” or “I saw some things that made me question about them, why didn’t I act on them?” We learn more about ourselves than we do about them, and in the end, if we study about ourselves we end up much better and stronger people who will never again allow someone to abuse us or use us. Our “who to trust meter” gets much better! (((Hugs))))
I recently dated someone whom I believe is a Borderline Personality Disorder and I also saw these phases also. There seems to be much more crossover between these personality disorders than I initially understood. I have previously dated two socipaths (at age 19 and 45).
I tried to check out your blog at the address below:
http://tomderrah.blogspot.com/
but without success, it “was not found”.
Thanks for a good article,
Peggy
Hens,
You said it – I can’t wait for these annoying political t.v. adds to be gone, seeing them throughout the day, each one of them being half-truths or pure rubbish. I am absolutely sick of them.
WhyMe,
The old boyfriend seems like he doesn’t like to be alone, definitely not having allowed himself enough time to grieve the loss of his wife (who died last May). It’s like the wife has practically just died and he’s ready to move on to another relationship (contacting you in August – way too fast in my opinion). Too bad he doesn’t get the message to back off, staying away from you.
Oxy,
as usual, you are so right, & you express it just right. When MR approached me about the Mexico vacation, my son & several friends said, “Go! Do it! You need to get away. It’d be good for you.” I told them, yeah, that getting away would be good for me, might be what I needed to get over J, but I said, “I can’t do it. I’m not going to be an emotional prostitute.” I CERTAINLY wasn’t going to be a “physical prostitute”, & had told him from the start that I was not into any “sleep-over arrangements”! Of course he said that was not in his mind ATALL either, tho of course it was. But I was also very clear in telling him that ANY sort of steady relationship was not gonna happen.
He kept insisting that we were just old friends who’d “known each other a long time.” I kept telling him that, no, we’d “known each other a Long Time Ago!” I told him that I understood that his wife had recently died, & that he was seeking some companionship. He’d say no, that he was “completely over” his wife’s death in May! That, in itself concerned me, & I wrote him numerous letters, from my astrological counseling place, advising him against glossing over his grief.
I’d told him yes, I’d go to dinner with him ONCE. Suddenly he was going to get a B&B & stay the whole week-end! I told him I couldn’t commit to a whole week-end with him. He said he just didn’t want to have to turn around & drive back 250 miles the next day. Okay. So we went to dinner twice. And then lunch the next afternoon before he left.
I thot, “whew. okay. I’ve done my duty to an old friend who’s just lost his wife of 47yrs.” Nope. I turned down his 2 more requests to come for a visit. Still he persisted.
And then, dammitall! The fridge & the wreck happened, & in spite of my telling him “Don’t Come!” he showed up. And I was just in too pitiful a funk, & too distraught over not being able to afford a fridge or get my car fixed to turn down his help.
Of course I knew from the start what he was angling for, & had many (WAYYY Tooo Many) phone & email exchanges with him—wading thru his convoluted messages full of amateurishly conflicting statements about what he was thinking & doing—pointing out all the inconsistencies in his what he was saying. He was like “Halloween!” I’d say something that I thot surely put the whole discussion of relationship (of any kind other than friendship) to rest, & he’d write to say, “Understood. You’ve made it very clear. I’m moving on.” And a day or 2 later, here comes another email or call, still trying to convince me of what he said he wasn’t trying to convince me of!!
And every time I tell him that I’ll pay him back for his $ help, he says he’ll either give it back to me, or give it to my son! He says he will not accept it.
Again I thot I had it all put to rest. He went on some pheasant hunt a couple of weeks ago. And is supposedly going on some big adventure driving his Corvette to the “high plains” or something next week. Suddenly he calls last nite to tell my son that he’s going to be here Thursday to give him the pheasants on his way out of the state, &, Of Course! is going to have to spend the nite in town because he doesn’t “want to have to drive any further.” My son said, “Mom, you should go to dinner with him, since he’s going to be here!” I WILL NOT.
And, Oxy, you were also right in what you said to TrueLove. We do have to question why these people pick us, as well as why we pick them. This one, MR the N, was just too transparent, so I for sure wasn’t gonna pick Him! He was easy to spot. Had he just been a guy off the street, it would’ve been easy to turn him down for dinner, but being someone from my past, I felt the least I could do was go to dinner with him, as a friend. Had I not been such an easy mark—depressed, grieving,& wanting to have compassion for his loneliness, & suddenly poor since J left, & without specific direction in my life right now—he wouldn’t have been able to invade my space as much as he did. So, beyond our being able to recognize “them”, we have to somehow be able to have the most Rigid Boundaries when we’re at our most vulnerable!
I just went to my medication management session with my RN…we talked more about the Spath and how it affected me. He had been going to the same clinic (oh, yes, thanks to my being so helpful!) where he had been diagnosed as bipolar. I remember being so confused when I heard the diagnosis…this guy was the least manic person in the world…and i knew him thru my ex husband for 16 years.
The RN told me that she deals with sociopaths on a weekly basis…”oh so charming”. She said that sometimes it takes a while before you see the face fall. The therapist that was seeing him was fooled completely…not uncommon.
It’s been 2 years since i kicked the Spath out, and I’m still healing. LOTS better than I was, but I have an underlying mental illness that has been prevalent since childhood, so I am not bouncing completely back. Have great difficulties with concentration, probably due to the PTSD.
I am finally going to get help for the agoraphobia, loss of concentration, and anxiety. The behavioral health clinic (where the RN and my therapist are) got me in contact with the DMHAS of my State.
A therapist will be coming my home to help me with organization and structure….abilities that I seem to have lost. I have been struggling so much the past 2 years. I tried and tried…I just needed a little push to get back where I was.
Feeling so much more hopeful. I have always been a smart, independent woman, and I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is getting close.
I finally felt safe enough to contact Social Security in the state my ex-spath is living now (with his MOMMY) and report him as a fraud, dead beat dad, manipulator, malingerer, and sociopath.
I’M still independent, I have my own home, I will prevail.
@Oxy-
Thanks for the “come to Jesus” feedback.
I appreciate your honesty,and you are 100 percent right.
There definately is something not right within me,that I would chose him and jump into something like motherhood with him so quickly.
I am absolutely willing to cop to that..
Part of it is my age,I can tell you.
I physiologically only have maybe a year or two left in fertile years if I choose to have a child.(And,yes,I do long to be a mother.)
I thank you for giving me this enlightening and honest perspective.
I do not WANT to feel or act victimized,nor do I think I am weak or helpless..But I am hurting at the moment.
I absolutely had a part in this deal,and I am going to see a counselor to work out my issues(I DO have many including being in recovery,AA).
It is probably more helpful to focus on what I can change(me),and that is what I want to do.
Also I thin kit IS importatnt to awknowledge that I signed up for this to a large degree.
I had alot of expectations of him.He is also in recovery,so initially I felt that he had more spirituality to him than other men might.
(That is my fault for assuming that,not to mention,that his spiritual growth is truly none of my buisness.)
Alanon,is one of my favorite recovery groups,and has been very helpful to me in the past ,and will start going back to that for help as well.
It is extremely helpful in the “lettting go” process,as well as,helping me see “my part”..
Yes,in a sense,I do feel very hurt and want to be hurtful back,but in the end,I only end up hurting myself.And That is clear to me.
Maybe that is the lesson in this..
To bring the focus back to me,and what I can change.
It does help to know that he has all of the aspects of a spath tenfold,however,it does me no good to obsess,and delve further into the cause and condition.
I am a very strong woman,and know that I will recover from this.
Also.I truly did feel like I was in love,and so did he(very good actor,anyway)..
We were in love, and engaged,and ready to take on the world.
I am forty,but an attractive,youthful forty.
Not to boast,but to hopefully shed a bit of light..
I have rarely in my life been low on male attention,and I take very good care of myself.
I have many interests and am successful and productive in what I do..
I consider myself above average intellegence,and after reading so many of the posts on here,Ive come to notice and believe that most of the members of this site,are also intellegent,as well.
THAT is partly why I am so baffled..
It hurts that he pretty much moved right out with me,and into the bed and home of someone else so quickly..
And I do feel embarrassed that I DID fall for him so quickly..
Im sure I have a long way to go to recover from this,and as I said,Im a member of AA too,so Yes indeed I DO have my issues,and I am not foreign to what its like to go through the process of purging and starting life anew..
*It helps to vent and read other peolples stories.
*It helps to hear how other peoople on here are moving on,and/or struggling with the same notions..
*It helps to be able to share etis anonymously,in a safe place,in order to heal with the support of people who understand becaus etheyve been there..
I think the e-mail from the spath was just a minor setback in my recovery.
I do want to have a child.
I know its not very common,practical,or conventional,but my old boyfriend who I am still very close with,has mentioned that he would be the father of my child if I chose it.
And because I dont necessarily believe in love(especially at the moment), or finding a soulmate again at this point in my life,why not just have a child with a good man,so we can both love and support it?…
I have never been conventional,though ideally I Would like my child to have both a mother and father,Im a child of divorce myself,and know that statistically that it doesnt always work out that way most of the time anyway.
Yes..
Alot to learn and consider,but the focus should be on me..
The one thing I do have the power to change.
I pray more now.
That is one thing gained from this experience..
That part of the deal,ain’t so bad..
Thanks : )
Dear Jazzy! Nice to see you around, and first of all: Congratulations! You seem to do just great, getting professional help and moving on, and the most important: YOU DO PREVAIL!!! Towanda!! ((((Hugs))))
Jazzy & TrueLove,
yeah, what Oxy said. We DO have to examine ourselves, cutting to the bone & to the marrow of the bone, to see why they pick [ON] us & why we accept them so readily!
I don’t think I’ve seen one woman on here say that she didn’t have emotional difficulties of some kind, from childhood on & thru-out life. The difference is that we’re willing to see ours.
It’s not easy & it’s for sure not fun: it’s brutal, all that self-dissecting & working to heal! But we’ll do it. *They*, the charming, self-assured SPs, won’t admit their need to heal….or if they do “admit” to it, it’s a superficial admission & always has to do with something other than the way they used & abused us (whether in the relationship or outside of it or by abandoning it).
I know that in my own SP experience, his “admissions” after he walked out all dealt with his allowing himself to be “abused” by me & his 2 previous wives’ critical, depressive, non-positive natures!
Poor Poor Him!! He was “too kind”, “a small, quiet man”, “too patient”, enduring “anguish & suffering!” His work on himself he thot was that he needed to learn to protect himself from mates like us! Certainly no admission of guilt about his being involved in 2 concurrent relationships for 4 yrs! And then deserting me without a hint of a notice for the 16yr younger millionaire woman from a multi-million$ family with immense biz connections! And when I pointed out that he’d lied to me & sneaked around, cheating on me for 4 yrs (& attempted to 2x before that), he said, “I’m not a liar….maybe I did lie…..but I never snuck around ever…..never would!” [No, he definitely didn’t sneak around! He was always very open about where he was going & when—-just not about With Whom!!]
He was “good to me”. I’m sure he was very good to BOTH of us!! Therein lies the problem!! Why did he think he could betray me all those years? Why was he able to betray me all those years? I know why. Because I have a crap sense of self-worth. He definitely wasn’t a handsome man (ROFL!), & he had his own insanities….& tics, even! But he was brilliant & I was sure that he was the best I could do with MY inadequacies, & surely he was too homely to ever attract anyone but me…..so hell, turn a blind eye to his constant traveling, quickly hung-up phone calls, excuses about low testosterone being the reason we weren’t having sex, & the multitude of other secrective behaviors that I purposely ignored. My word! I was over 60, losing my looks, my inheritance in question, no career after the loss of my art work to a minor stroke, & he promised me the world!
None are so blind as those who REFUSE to see.
Jazzy, I’d allowed my agoraphobia, anxieties, & insecurities to make me somewhat housebound for the past 6 yrs (thanks to J!), & I was fearful that I’d never be able to get back out into the world again without him by my side. I applied for work at 10 places today! And I enjoyed it! I didn’t find a job, but I was able to present myself well, & leave my information. And I DID get an astrology commission at one of the places I went!! And I’d been afraid that I wouldn’t be able to find astrology work anymore! Go for it, Jazzy! I FULLY RELATE to what you’re saying about feeling about losing your abilities. BUT, with my back to the wall, I find that it’s easier than I thot it’d be!!