Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Marcia.” She describes her involvement with a man who she now believes is a sociopath, and how her relationship had three distinct phases.
I met him on Chemistry.com in February of 2009. He wrote to me through the site and we corresponded several times before speaking on the phone. I liked his profile very well and enjoyed his style of writing and what he wrote in our correspondence. When we spoke on the phone, we had no problem starting and maintaining a conversation on the phone. He was articulate, intelligent and had all the time in the world for me.
We met on March 6, 2009 for a drink. I got there first and very symbolic of our relationship, he blindsided me and sneaked behind me and playfully grabbed the back of my neck. The attraction and chemistry was immediate. He was extremely charming. He looked into my eyes with such a piercing look that I felt he was seeing through me. He was fun. He made me laugh. He treated me like a gentleman. He had a great energy. I just enjoyed being around him and with him all the time.
That very same night we had dinner together and made love. Since I was an hour away from him, I was staying at a hotel that night. So he stayed with me and we had a wonderful and relaxing breakfast on the porch next morning. When I was leaving he asked me if I could see him next day. I was coming to town to see a ballet with my girlfriend so we decided to have dinner with my girlfriend. He invited me to stay at his place that night and I accepted.
Lavish flattery
Lavish flattery began immediately. There was nothing I could do wrong. I was sexy, I was beautiful, I was attractive, my energy was great, it was fun to be around me, I was the best mother, I was the best doctor, I was the best lover, I was the best friend, I had great taste for clothing and jewelry, nobody has ever loved him like I did, he had never loved anyone like he loved me, he would marry me in a heartbeat, finally he had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that is why he had never settled down before, he did not want to settle for less, and I was the proof he was right to wait for the right person.
Every time he would see me, he couldn’t catch his breath (he was such a great actor, there was a visible pause in the movement of his chest). I was wise, I was brave, I was evolved, I was everything he would ever wanted from a woman. I was funny. He had such a great time with me no matter what we did together. I was fit. I was strong. He would send me fifty text messages a day telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how even exchanging text messages he would be aroused, and how he was so attracted to me. He would bring me roses, buy me jewelry, music, wine, etc.
The pity play
Pity play began almost at the same time. He told me how abusive his parents were. How his mom used to scream at him and beat him. How his father was always dissatisfied with him and how he was refusing to tell him that he was proud of him to this day. How his parents’ divorce when he was 20 affected him because he was put in the middle. And then it was his wife and how she cheated on him with many men including his closest friends, and how she got pregnant many times and had an abortion every time, how he knew it was because those were not his children, how she gave him a genital wart and he had to have surgery to remove it. Then it was his ex-girlfriend and how she was dependent on drugs and him and she would not let go of him and how he could not leave her because everyone in her family had abandoned her after she had disclosed that she had been sexually abused by a family member. And how his boss was treating him just like his dad did and how abusive the boss was, etc.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
From that point on, we had four months of amazing time together. Retrospectively that was the “honeymoon phase of our relationship.” Also retrospectively I see that things were moving very fast. Only a week after we met, he was telling his mother that he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and in the first month of our relationship he bought me a ring as a present. It was not an engagement ring and he did not propose but he emphasized that he had never given a woman a ring before.
Many women
Very quickly he started introducing me to his friends. He “could not wait.” We went and visited his mom in Rhode Island for Mother’s Day and she liked me and my seven-year old daughter very much. She told him “she is beautiful not only on the outside but inside.” In that trip I also met his father, his stepmother, and two of his three brothers. During my visit, his mom told me that he has brought so many women home that she had told him “no more women unless they have a ring on their hand.” I looked at him, he laughed and pointed to the ring and said, “she has a ring.”
That was the very first time I questioned him. I told him I thought taking me to his mom was something special. He became very defensive and angry. He said after his wife of five years left him 18 years earlier, he had been single and dating and “naturally” had met many women. He said he had taken about five of them home but not to introduce to his mom. He just invited them to join him in the trip to his hometown. He said he had taken only two women to introduce to his mom as people he had considered marrying. He was upset with me for a couple of days after we returned but then sent me an email and apologized for his mother’s “insensitive” remark and his own as well.
On another occasion when we were staying with one of his friends when his friend’s 8-year-old daughter asked him why he did not bring his “other girlfriends.” He asked who she was talking about and she named a few names! He did not respond but I immediately felt like a number and completely disposable. I discussed how it made me feel with him but his universal response was anger and blaming things on me, my “insecurity,” my “fears,” etc.
Borrowing money
Very soon he prepared me for borrowing money. He told me how someone had scammed him on paying his student loans and how he had all this debt to pay but it was all going to be clear in a couple of months. How he had been helping a friend in advertising for his business and how he was not paying him and how there were thousands of dollars he would be receiving soon from him. How he was so responsible with money and he would never use a credit card and only use debit card so he knows he only spends the money he has. How he would appreciate it if I put costs of all the activities we were doing together on my credit cards and once his student loan is clear, he would pay me back. Soon he would ask me to put charges related to his canoe club on my credit card promising that once he collects money from members of the club, he would pay me back. Once his boss fired him, he could not pay for his bills and rent and he would insist that he could not borrow money from me. He had gained my trust at such a deep level that I handed him a blank signed check and then he wrote close to $2000 and cashed it. Later on when I asked him to pay me back, he said he neither had the money to pay me back nor he owed me any money.
Relationship had three distinct phases
As described in any typical relationship with a sociopath/narcissist, our relationship had three distinct phases: honeymoon, tension building, and finally violent phase.
In the honeymoon phase even when we text messaged or talked he would get aroused. Whenever he saw me, whether it was an act or a true reaction, I could visibly see his chest would stop moving and he would take a deep breath and would tell me, “you take my breath away.” He could not keep his hands off me and we made love twice a day when we were together.
In the tension-building phase, our sex life suddenly went from what I would rate 10 out of 10 to 1 out of 10. This was so sudden and so drastic that I suspected he might have developed erectile dysfunction. He no longer initiated having sex with me and when I did, 9 out of 10 times he would say he was “tired.” Other excuses included being “busy” or “depressed.”
This went on until November when I found hundreds of pictures of naked women he was having “cybersex” with on his laptop. There were some emails suggesting he had invited these women to meet and have a drink and “see where it goes” but I had no proof this had actually had happened. He adamantly denied having a physical relationship with any of them. I broke up with him for a week but he asked for forgiveness, cried and said he has had sex-addiction for five years and now is going to get help and promised he would stop doing it right away. I got back with him but our sexual relationship never improved.
Self-centered
Regardless of how legitimate my question or concern was, his very first reaction was always becoming defensive and turning things around and attacking me. This was always followed by a few days of completely shutting me off, not contacting me and even ignoring me when I reached out. Early on in our relationship, after a couple of days, he would contact me and apologize for his reaction. But after the honeymoon phase, the days he would shut me out became longer and longer and no apology was offered. Instead, over time he would build up a grudge and become punitive. In response to many red flags in his behavior, he would accuse me of being insecure, having fear-based reactions, having no impulse control, blowing small things up to huge problems, being depressed, being anxious, not exercising enough, at one time sleeping too much, in another time sleeping too little, lack of self-confidence, etc. At the end he said I was crazy, I was fucked up, I had taken joy out of his life, I had brought negative energy into his life, I had made him depressed, he was not excited to see me anymore, he did not want to be around me and he wanted me out of his life.
By then I had recognized how self-centered he was. It was never about me and my needs. It was only and always about him and no matter how much I gave, he would feel his “deeper needs were not fulfilled.”
Violent phase
The relationship moved into violent phase and beginning mid January, on multiple occasions he tried to hit me and even choke me. This was particularly dangerous three weeks ago when I discovered many text messages on his cell phone indicating he has been sleeping with multiple women during our relationship. When confronted him, he described details of his sexual relationship with this women behind my back, without protection, like he was talking about weather. He had no remorse and no shame and did not offer an apology. He hurt me with such a righteous indignation and entitlement that it was beyond my comprehension. His absolute callous disregard for my feelings and legitimate needs were astonishing. He continued to blame everything, including his cheating and lying to me, on me.
Upon discovery of undeniable truth on his text messages and speaking with the women involved, I left him. I did file a police report but he lied through his teeth and police did not pursue the investigation. Following the tactic of offense is the best defense, he did file multiple police reports on me including one of harassment. He also filed for a protective order, which was denied. Currently I am suing him in Small Claims Court for the money he owes me.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 12, 2010.
To recover from the sociopath, be selfish
About shattered dreams, role models etc:
the woman I picked for my role model at 16 (she was a doctor living in a cottage with her retired professor husband and lots of animals) had to give up medicine for alcohol reasons and died early. I got informed by a law firm about her death by returning my Christmas card. I became a doctor anyway and love it!
Father, my role model for a man, is a P. Period.
So I have to be careful not only with the dreams but also with the role models.
When we were in primary school the teacher read us a story about two brothers who were separated in WWII. One became a thief and the younger police officer. The Policeofficer catches the thief and discovers that it is his older brother. He crushes as he says that the thought “What had my older brother been doing in this an that situation” kept him on the just path, and he was now very disappointed! I do not remember whether he took him in or let him go, but it made a huge impression. It is important to have your own, chosen compass! And a compass is just for orientation, you still have to find the way as it always points north.
By the way there is a Slow movement in Europe, and specially the Slow food movement in Italy (as a reaction to Fast food in Rome) I am very fond of!
libelle – will cut and paste this part of this thread. 🙂
very well versed in the slow food movement. used to be a prof. cook and am very interested in food production, work in community gardens, etc.
Dear Libelle,
I am soo sorry that your “partner” turned out to be a con-artist, but thanks to your sister for finding him out! Of course he was (in his view) “only trying to help you”—Yea, TRYING to get youi to sign a contract for HIS ADVANTAGE. LOL
Well, I don’t think you will starve and it DID get you away from the other toxic situation. So that is a BIG BLESSING! Maybe this is God’s way to telling you to take some TIME FOR YOURSELF. You’ve been under a lot of stress so maybe some “down time” will give you time to focus on YOU and take care of YOUR NEEDS!
I’m glad you caught on before you signed, and even if your sister is ann N, she did you a good turn, brought out the CROOK in him! ((((hugs))))) and God bless.
Dear Oxy and One, thanks a lot!
First I thought one moment or two about going to work for the “partner” to save our or better HIS face, but then I decided NO.
We had a long Ski-weekend Friday Saturday with the hospital crew! I was on the skilift one-on-one with my biggest boss (the one who likes me), and as he asked me about my future I could explain to him everything, the breach of the verbal agreement and the compromise of my sister, and even he said that to him it sounded fair and balanced, and he was a little worried about my future without immediate job to follow. He is also high on N-traits but very influencial in our medical association. He was very open as well and told me about his difficult times with the divorce and his children (he had his secretary as mistress and all collapsed last year). I just listened. Maybe he can correct any smear campaign against me (but I will not bet on THAT)
I enjoyed the skiing a lot, and had a great time (the bigot colleague had to attend an ethics course, and the others had to stay at the hospital). So no enemies, just relaxing and enjoying!
One: is there a Slow food thing in your area? You might check it out, as they are very avantgarde, and it is definitely NOT toxic by definition! I cross my fingers! Lots of loveXXXX (((Hugs)))
Dear Libelle,
Well if your N-boss (that at least acts like he likes you) was having an affair and it blew up on him, I am sure he was very “sad” (at getting caught!) Maybe he will keep down the smear campaign but with those people, you know, I’ll show you how LONG their “loyalty” lasts. Get a bucket of water and ball up your fist and put it into the water. Then QUICK, pull it out and LOOK AT HOW LONG THE HOLE IN THE WATER WHERE YOUR FIST WAS LASTS! That is how long the “loyalty” of these people lasts! LOL ROTFLMAO
Glad you had some fun skiing though! Did the bigot have to go to the ethics class cause he was a “bad boy/girl?”
muld00n,
You raise the question of the thinking process of why he would percieve that he was the “injured” party and attack you after you confronted him about text messages from another woman.
Because that is what they do. They don’t “fess up”. They don’t accept responsibility. They don’t tell the truth.
They use circular conversation to take the focus off of them and put it onto you.
He recieves text messages from another woman. You ask him (logical question) about these text.
He turns this all on you rather than sticking to the matter at hand.
IF YOU would just TRUST him…Blah Blah.
If YOU wouldn’t always be “looking” for trouble blah, blah.
If You……..would just…..blah, blah.
You can try and wrap your brain around this kind of thinking all day long….It just doesn’t make sense.
They have a distorted thought process of rationalizing away the truth. And it is exhausting and never ending.
And now its all your fault, for finding the text messages.
Muld00n, every time you post here I am so relieved to see that you are ok, but so VERY sad to see that you are still in this violent relationship. I keep hoping that you will post and say that you have kicked him to the curb.
You do know that he will never change? And that your life is at stake…..
If anyone has seen the pattern of the cycle of abuse, I am pretty sure you can see that there is the, honeymoon phase, anxiety phase, (walking on eggshells) and then the violent phase always follows.
It will ALWAYS be your fault in his thought process. Always.
He doesn’t think “normal”.
You are the only one that can save yourself and your children.
And he has damaged your thinking as well. His damage goes far beyond the physical abuse. He has you thinking that you need him somehow. He has you addicted to him, as if he were a drug. He is a VERY BAD man.
Do you have anyone in real life that can offer you support?
Can you tell us why you stay? Are you more afraid what he will do if you leave? Have you considered a womans shelter?
Please stay safe.
@SouthernMan
You raise an interesting question – whether it is better to be dropped by the PSYCHOPATH or whether it is better to end it yourself as the healthy partner who needs out. I can’t say which situation is better having not experienced both. I had to end it with the PSYCHOPATH and he bounced back into my life wringing pity and shame from me like the dirty creature he is. I felt so guilty at his faked pain from my ending the ‘relationship’ that I paid his bills, took him groceries and cooked and cleaned for him. Eventually he started pressuring me for sex as well but I knew that would blur and complicate the issue so stayed well away from that avenue. More than likely that was his agenda all along – to have us split and him able to use me for whatever he wanted including sex.
I read an interesting perspective though at a website called Baggage Reclaim – the author stated that when a man is emotionally unavailable he has effectively ended the relationship even though he hasn’t verbalised it and is prompting us to take the action of verbally ending it for both of us.
From this perspective it could be said that by their very nature of selfishness and unavailability that PSYCHOPATHS always dump the healthy person even if t hey keep them in the relationship for years after the mask is dropped to drain their vital essence and life blood.
For me, the experience of ending it has been very very hard. I not only had the grief of accepting he would never change and ending it, then subsequently realising he is a PSYCHOPATH, I have had to do every physical action to separate all ties – all he has to do is turn up and sign or collect the boxes after I have had to sort through all our joint possessions. I have had to draft all the legal paperwork with my lawyer because it is me initiating it and it is me who will have to file for divorce.. That’s exhausting after years of being drained and very hard emotionally to take.
In addition, he moved onto a new relationship within six weeks of leaving the house for the last time. Painful doesn’t even cover it. Here I am left trying to recover from this while he just gets on with life as though nothing happened. She’s even the age I was when we met – it’s like I have just been replaced. There is no time in his life for being alone and reflecting on what happened – no time to heal and grieve about our big relationship – no that work is left to me alone. Just as I was alone in the entire relationship.
I know many people here have had the P leave for an affair partner. Whilst my P did not have an affair (that I know of) the shortness of time between her and I makes me understand some of the pain those people feel. It’s like we don’t matter – none of our pain mattered to the P – we were just there to fill a role like an employee and anyone will do – hugely hurtful.
One step – you DO sound positive – keep going up! Maybe while you’re heading for the big dream, you’ll find a way to have children in your life in the meantime. I have a couple of friends who wanted children and didn’t get to have them – one became a fine teacher and another volunteers to spend time with children at risk – it fulfills part of that need to nurture. Just a thought for now – not a replacement for what you want and keep heading for the big dream 🙂
Marcia (and All),
Geez, anytime you might feel as if you are doubting your version of reality, go back and read what you have shared with us here. You did an amazingly beautiful job of spelling out your experience (and mine as well!). It is so continuously eerie to me how even though details change from story to story, it is still always the same. Sometime back someone wrote it was like a box of chocolates (thanks Forest Gump!), all different shapes and colors, but all filled with the same inedible crap.
First he lovebombed you and got you so Oxytocin’d up you couldn’t help getting attached. But he doesn’t get attached, he can’t. He only gets a brief and temporary rush, that doesn’t produce anything ‘lasting’. Doesn’t produce the right chemicals in his body. He doesn’t feel good and connected, more loving, bonded after sexing you up. But he feels a temporary explosion of power and control; this appears to be the reinforcement of the spatholes. I don’t know enough about the biology of emotion and motivation, but I would guess that these types are addicted to the rush of dopamine, adrenaline, and norepi? Dunno. But they must get some kind of physiological kick, much the same, but producing very different outcomes, from our own responses to Oxytocin (and whatever other bonding/feel good chemicals are released through close human contact).
Then they withdraw. Same excuses: too busy, tired, down, stressed. We have become ‘real’, and asserted our ‘selves’ into their game. Of course we just ARE real, it’s not anything we have DONE. But, this is a huge buzzkill for them. And they do, in a way, go flaccid. So then it looks to me like they go for the ‘drama-high’, the fleeting rush they get from causing us emotional pain and real-life chaos (debt, disease, loss of home/children, etc…). And that works for awhile. Then that gets boring too.
Then perhaps they just dump us and move on; or they move on to the ‘rush’ of violence (one of escalating verbal/physical/emotional, or any combination there of). They are ‘getting off’ on our escalating pain….more power and control. They can MAKE us lose it. Everything.
Oh, and then they get bored again. Always they get bored.
So then they either start over with their current target or move to the next victim. Most likely both.
It makes me really sad, this disorder. Not sad as in wanting or needing to do anything for the disordered individual; we don’t appear to be living in a time that provides us the opportunity to help them outright. But it still makes me sad, for them, in their sick isolation and cruelty; and for us as targets for their abuse.
I would love to live long enough to see science make a real breakthrough in treating psychopathy. It would eliminate so many societal and personal ills.
I digress…thank-you for posting, and take tender care of yourself.
Slim
Hi Witsend…Yes of course I know..Life isnt so bad at the moment because all the stuff here and on baggage reclaim have educated me, but I am aware that he remains at heart an arsehole with self serving needs only.Im only here now for my own ends, I dont fight it out I withdraw at the first sign of trouble and it seems to have thrown him off balance and taken alot of the venom out of him….actually I dont know why I am here if I am honest.Maybe its because the good outweighs the bad now but I am not unaware of the potential evil in him/
No family nor friends as very early on was isolated from everyone around me.
I admit I am kinda scared of a new life, Im not happy with my lot but Im at home with it if you know what I mean, its familiar…Lived it from childhood.
SO out of curiousity do these creatures know they are deflecting when they attack us for catching them out or do they feel justified?
while I am around….isnt it ironic that these idiots use sympathy and try to illicit pity for them as part of their mode of operandi yet they are unable to emapthise with anyone else even those suffering at their hands…Brass necked cheek is another of their attributes it seems to me.