Editor’s Note: This story was submitted by a Lovefraud reader who we’ll call “Marcia.” She describes her involvement with a man who she now believes is a sociopath, and how her relationship had three distinct phases.
I met him on Chemistry.com in February of 2009. He wrote to me through the site and we corresponded several times before speaking on the phone. I liked his profile very well and enjoyed his style of writing and what he wrote in our correspondence. When we spoke on the phone, we had no problem starting and maintaining a conversation on the phone. He was articulate, intelligent and had all the time in the world for me.
We met on March 6, 2009 for a drink. I got there first and very symbolic of our relationship, he blindsided me and sneaked behind me and playfully grabbed the back of my neck. The attraction and chemistry was immediate. He was extremely charming. He looked into my eyes with such a piercing look that I felt he was seeing through me. He was fun. He made me laugh. He treated me like a gentleman. He had a great energy. I just enjoyed being around him and with him all the time.
That very same night we had dinner together and made love. Since I was an hour away from him, I was staying at a hotel that night. So he stayed with me and we had a wonderful and relaxing breakfast on the porch next morning. When I was leaving he asked me if I could see him next day. I was coming to town to see a ballet with my girlfriend so we decided to have dinner with my girlfriend. He invited me to stay at his place that night and I accepted.
Lavish flattery
Lavish flattery began immediately. There was nothing I could do wrong. I was sexy, I was beautiful, I was attractive, my energy was great, it was fun to be around me, I was the best mother, I was the best doctor, I was the best lover, I was the best friend, I had great taste for clothing and jewelry, nobody has ever loved him like I did, he had never loved anyone like he loved me, he would marry me in a heartbeat, finally he had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that is why he had never settled down before, he did not want to settle for less, and I was the proof he was right to wait for the right person.
Every time he would see me, he couldn’t catch his breath (he was such a great actor, there was a visible pause in the movement of his chest). I was wise, I was brave, I was evolved, I was everything he would ever wanted from a woman. I was funny. He had such a great time with me no matter what we did together. I was fit. I was strong. He would send me fifty text messages a day telling me how much he loved me and how much he missed me and how even exchanging text messages he would be aroused, and how he was so attracted to me. He would bring me roses, buy me jewelry, music, wine, etc.
The pity play
Pity play began almost at the same time. He told me how abusive his parents were. How his mom used to scream at him and beat him. How his father was always dissatisfied with him and how he was refusing to tell him that he was proud of him to this day. How his parents’ divorce when he was 20 affected him because he was put in the middle. And then it was his wife and how she cheated on him with many men including his closest friends, and how she got pregnant many times and had an abortion every time, how he knew it was because those were not his children, how she gave him a genital wart and he had to have surgery to remove it. Then it was his ex-girlfriend and how she was dependent on drugs and him and she would not let go of him and how he could not leave her because everyone in her family had abandoned her after she had disclosed that she had been sexually abused by a family member. And how his boss was treating him just like his dad did and how abusive the boss was, etc.
Read more — Seduced by a sociopath: It’s not love, it’s love fraud
From that point on, we had four months of amazing time together. Retrospectively that was the “honeymoon phase of our relationship.” Also retrospectively I see that things were moving very fast. Only a week after we met, he was telling his mother that he has found the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with and in the first month of our relationship he bought me a ring as a present. It was not an engagement ring and he did not propose but he emphasized that he had never given a woman a ring before.
Many women
Very quickly he started introducing me to his friends. He “could not wait.” We went and visited his mom in Rhode Island for Mother’s Day and she liked me and my seven-year old daughter very much. She told him “she is beautiful not only on the outside but inside.” In that trip I also met his father, his stepmother, and two of his three brothers. During my visit, his mom told me that he has brought so many women home that she had told him “no more women unless they have a ring on their hand.” I looked at him, he laughed and pointed to the ring and said, “she has a ring.”
That was the very first time I questioned him. I told him I thought taking me to his mom was something special. He became very defensive and angry. He said after his wife of five years left him 18 years earlier, he had been single and dating and “naturally” had met many women. He said he had taken about five of them home but not to introduce to his mom. He just invited them to join him in the trip to his hometown. He said he had taken only two women to introduce to his mom as people he had considered marrying. He was upset with me for a couple of days after we returned but then sent me an email and apologized for his mother’s “insensitive” remark and his own as well.
On another occasion when we were staying with one of his friends when his friend’s 8-year-old daughter asked him why he did not bring his “other girlfriends.” He asked who she was talking about and she named a few names! He did not respond but I immediately felt like a number and completely disposable. I discussed how it made me feel with him but his universal response was anger and blaming things on me, my “insecurity,” my “fears,” etc.
Borrowing money
Very soon he prepared me for borrowing money. He told me how someone had scammed him on paying his student loans and how he had all this debt to pay but it was all going to be clear in a couple of months. How he had been helping a friend in advertising for his business and how he was not paying him and how there were thousands of dollars he would be receiving soon from him. How he was so responsible with money and he would never use a credit card and only use debit card so he knows he only spends the money he has. How he would appreciate it if I put costs of all the activities we were doing together on my credit cards and once his student loan is clear, he would pay me back. Soon he would ask me to put charges related to his canoe club on my credit card promising that once he collects money from members of the club, he would pay me back. Once his boss fired him, he could not pay for his bills and rent and he would insist that he could not borrow money from me. He had gained my trust at such a deep level that I handed him a blank signed check and then he wrote close to $2000 and cashed it. Later on when I asked him to pay me back, he said he neither had the money to pay me back nor he owed me any money.
Relationship had three distinct phases
As described in any typical relationship with a sociopath/narcissist, our relationship had three distinct phases: honeymoon, tension building, and finally violent phase.
In the honeymoon phase even when we text messaged or talked he would get aroused. Whenever he saw me, whether it was an act or a true reaction, I could visibly see his chest would stop moving and he would take a deep breath and would tell me, “you take my breath away.” He could not keep his hands off me and we made love twice a day when we were together.
In the tension-building phase, our sex life suddenly went from what I would rate 10 out of 10 to 1 out of 10. This was so sudden and so drastic that I suspected he might have developed erectile dysfunction. He no longer initiated having sex with me and when I did, 9 out of 10 times he would say he was “tired.” Other excuses included being “busy” or “depressed.”
This went on until November when I found hundreds of pictures of naked women he was having “cybersex” with on his laptop. There were some emails suggesting he had invited these women to meet and have a drink and “see where it goes” but I had no proof this had actually had happened. He adamantly denied having a physical relationship with any of them. I broke up with him for a week but he asked for forgiveness, cried and said he has had sex-addiction for five years and now is going to get help and promised he would stop doing it right away. I got back with him but our sexual relationship never improved.
Self-centered
Regardless of how legitimate my question or concern was, his very first reaction was always becoming defensive and turning things around and attacking me. This was always followed by a few days of completely shutting me off, not contacting me and even ignoring me when I reached out. Early on in our relationship, after a couple of days, he would contact me and apologize for his reaction. But after the honeymoon phase, the days he would shut me out became longer and longer and no apology was offered. Instead, over time he would build up a grudge and become punitive. In response to many red flags in his behavior, he would accuse me of being insecure, having fear-based reactions, having no impulse control, blowing small things up to huge problems, being depressed, being anxious, not exercising enough, at one time sleeping too much, in another time sleeping too little, lack of self-confidence, etc. At the end he said I was crazy, I was fucked up, I had taken joy out of his life, I had brought negative energy into his life, I had made him depressed, he was not excited to see me anymore, he did not want to be around me and he wanted me out of his life.
By then I had recognized how self-centered he was. It was never about me and my needs. It was only and always about him and no matter how much I gave, he would feel his “deeper needs were not fulfilled.”
Violent phase
The relationship moved into violent phase and beginning mid January, on multiple occasions he tried to hit me and even choke me. This was particularly dangerous three weeks ago when I discovered many text messages on his cell phone indicating he has been sleeping with multiple women during our relationship. When confronted him, he described details of his sexual relationship with this women behind my back, without protection, like he was talking about weather. He had no remorse and no shame and did not offer an apology. He hurt me with such a righteous indignation and entitlement that it was beyond my comprehension. His absolute callous disregard for my feelings and legitimate needs were astonishing. He continued to blame everything, including his cheating and lying to me, on me.
Upon discovery of undeniable truth on his text messages and speaking with the women involved, I left him. I did file a police report but he lied through his teeth and police did not pursue the investigation. Following the tactic of offense is the best defense, he did file multiple police reports on me including one of harassment. He also filed for a protective order, which was denied. Currently I am suing him in Small Claims Court for the money he owes me.
Learn more: EFT Tapping to break your addiction to a sociopath
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 12, 2010.
To recover from the sociopath, be selfish
Thanks Kim…..I’m still fuming and got dinged today when one of my friends got all my clothes and books back from him and all the oil paintings I did were missing.
Funny thing is we allways painted at his house and he never would let me take any of them home…said this was our thing and did not want to share with anyone unless they came to his house!
I wonder what he did with all the oil paintings I did ….I had to excersize inmense control not to write him and ask!
Fooled once – same here – the entire family lies – I’ve never seen anything like it in my life – they even lie to each other! It is considered normal practice in that family to lie constantly. Ii can’t believe the sickness of it.
Aeylah – I’m a bit further ahead in non contact than you but the same feelings and thoughts arise from time to time – why me> Why did he do it? What did he want? It’s so hurtful too isn’t it? We gave our all and really involved our hearts only to be kicked to the curb when it suited them. I had to dump mine in the end up but with his emotional flatness and vacantness he had checked out of the relationship years before. Then he made a fuss about me ending it formally! He didn’t want to be with me but didn’t really want the hassle of looking for a new target for food, adulation and sex – the audacity of them!
Keep going – seven weeks is a long time and you’re doing well. I am at fourteen weeks and the urge to contact still kicks in sometimes but much less than it did at the start – life is slowly returning to normal finally. And I am so glad to be rid of him. Don’t worry about the oil paintings – they always try to keep some kind of hold over us – it’s a calling card for later should they wish to contact again.
Fooledonce:
Read away, there is so much great info here….in the articles and members stories in posts…..
We can relate to so much….it’s very validating……
Educate and awareness is the key……
Good luck!
Thanks for everyone’s comments:
robxsykobabe: originally from Rhode Island he has been living in Houston for 18 years. So no not in IL. But NS have very universal behavior anyways.
Aeylah: same with his family. I should say his father can’t stand him but his mom enables him. Please keep in mind that NS starts with being emotionally neglected and abused as a child. In that case, I do believe parents carry lots of guilt because at some level they do know they are responsible for the pathology. Also, whether it is genetic or not, it is not unusal to have a sociopath parent as well. So they understand each other pretty well!
anitasee: yes we do INTERNALIZE. Partly because of constant criticism and crazy making, partly because it was not an accident they targetted us. We for the most part are self-cricitizing individual.
Southernman429: “It may be that in many of these situations, like mine, where the socio just leaves suddenly, that even though we know in some deep way that there is “something” wrong with them, but have not put the pieces together and have the knowledge of just what it is we are dealing with..(that was me)—” You are right. When they are the one who leave, we are left in an absolute state of confusion and loss. It takes studying them and their behavior before we can clear our mind and come out of the fog and see them for what they throughly are. Remember we were brainwashed.
midlifecrisis: It is a very typical pattern that NS does not dispose of the victim until he/she has found another one to be with. These people are extremely afraid of being alone. They are emotionally bankrupt and it is absolutely vital for them to secure another “supplier” before getting rid of the other one. Also please keep in my, there was never a “relationship” between us and them. We thought there was one because he/she made us believe.
this has become such a fantastically education thread. I will leave more comments later. I almost feel like writing another article.
thanks everybody
Marcia
Dear Marcia,
I liked your article very much, but would like to comment on your statement that “NS starts with being emotionally neglected and abused as a child.”
I am the parent of a psychopath and the daughter of one. I was however not raised by my P-sperm donor, and actually didn’t meet him until I was a year out of high school. My P-son, happens to be in prison right now and for the past 19 years for murder, a cold blooded pre-mediated killing.
I have no doubt that my son’s psychopathic tendencies are greatly genetic, but I would argue with you that my son was “emotionally neglected and/or abused” as a child. Although no parent is perfect, my son had the advantages of being loved, cared about and was far from neglected or emotonally abused. In fact, he was almost an “ideal child” until puberty.
At puberty he morphed into a increasingly violent criminal (no drugs, either) just mean’er’n a snake! Still is! Very manipulative, and totally without conscience. While I do not think genetics are 100% why a Psychopath is a psychopath, I do believe it is highly genetic and can trace my “family” tree back several generations on my maternal side of the family of psychopaths who married enabling women, and on my paternal side of the family, my sperm-donor’s mother was clearly psychopathic and he as well. The best I can find out, her father was also probably a psychopath, who was married to several women at once and had at least 4 families of women and children. (BTW he was a Methodist minster) LOL
There are several women here who also are parents of children (young adults) who are displaying highly psychopathic traits, in some cases, the X husband (who may or may not have been around the child after the child’s birth) displayed highly psychopathic traits, and/or grandparents were also in that range, and while I am not trying to start an argument or a fight here, to blame all or almost all of Psychopathic/narcissistic behavior on the person being emotionally or physically abused or neglected as a child places the “blame” for the behaviior on the parents of said psychopath. While none of us are or were perfect parents, but for me to accept “blame” that I emotionally or physically abused my son and that is why he murdered the girl he killed, smacks of the way the police detective spoke to me when he called me after my son was arrested, blaming ME for the girl’s murder. I didn’t live in the same state, hadnn’t seen except once 5 months before when he got out of prison for his first felony conviction.
My egg donor DID emotionally neglect me and abuse me, but I haven’t killed anyone, and even if I had, it would be on MY head, not hers. The murder my son committed was HIS choice, and every crime he committed (many) were his choices, and he knew right from wrong.
Just as an alcoholic has a GENETIC TENDENCY to drink in excess, the psychopath has a genetic tendency to not bond to others in the normal way. It is more difficult for them to develop a conscience than for others, but just as the alcoholic has a CHOICE whether to drink or not, and may be somewhat influenced by “his raising,” they still have a CHOICE and not every alcoholic was “abused as a child” or can blame that as an excuse for their drinking even if they were abused as a child.
Just as a woman(or man) who married or falls in love with a psychopath is not “responsible” for his/her significant other being a psychopath, neither are the parents of a child who is a psychopath “to blame” for that child’s condition as a psychopath. In fact, many of us have done everything in our power to point our children in the right moral direction, and it has been the biggest loss of our lives that our children turned out to be adult monsters.
As I read the rest of the comments the following terms resonated with me:
Devaluation, Toxic Relationship, Two totally different people, Lovebombed, Oxytocin’d, and Mirage.
I also enjoyed Jewels’ statements: “I’ve been SUPpressed, REpressed, and OPpressed, but never really DEpressed.” as well as the term C-SOI (constant source of irritation)!
mjlyness:
Referring to “I don’t understand myself though. I still miss him or think I miss him. I don’t even like him ”“ he is not a nice person. It’s not like I am losing this great guy. He’s selfish and cruel and out for sex, power and money, that is clear. Yet, I still pine sometimes”
Please do not question yourself. This is very normal for a victim of a NS. Please see the following link http://allabouthim.com/grieving-the-narcissist/ and this one http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=app_2373072738&ref=share&gid=82732982458#!/topic.php?uid=82732982458&topic=14244 and you would know it is normal.
Aeylah:
Regarding “7 weks NC and I was having a delusionary weak moment last night and this morning questioning again if maybe he really wasn’t “all that bad” and I just “blew it out of proportion—once again.I missed all his “goodness”; his healthy eating habbits that match my own, the ballroom dancing, the bike riding for hours and having fun, the new hobbie he took up in oil painting and including me in it, the traveling to distant lands, the diamond earings he gave me for Xmas and the cute way he wrapped them enside 10 different boxes till I got to them”..deep enside, the crazy sex—.”
Same comment I made for mjlyness: Please do not question yourself. This is very normal for a victim of a NS. Please see the following link http://allabouthim.com/grieving-the-narcissist/ and this one http://www.facebook.com/group.php?v=app_2373072738&ref=share&gid=82732982458#!/topic.php?uid=82732982458&topic=14244 and you would know it is normal.
greenfern:
Regarding “I guess he knew I needed that type of outside validation to feel my worth. He targeted me because he knew that I did not have a solid sense of self and I would eat up his flattery with a big spoon”. That is absolutely true. We are not just unlucky, we are SELECTED AND TARGETTED by a sociopath. Read the story of Dean in Hi Gorgeous! Starry Eyes and Toxic Lies
midlifecrisis:
I like the name Stalking the Soul and the terms ‘soul murder’ and ’murder by suicide’. To that add A Rape of the Heart http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/view/38716
lostlittlegirl:
I am glad my story was helpful to you
Aeylah:
Regarding “punish me with the dissapearing acts or cheating with other women” that is exactly how I felt. He used withholding sex as a punishment. Regarding “untill the old sex addiciton came back”, I don’t believe it ever went away.
I also would like to make a comment on the term euphoria:
euphoria applies to both the victim and the sociopath. The victim is euphoric by a rush of Oxytocin/ “lovebomed” tha is hearing everything they have always craved to hear and the sociopath is euphoric by the rush of stealing heart and soul of yet another victim. For the victim it may be getting high from a surge of Oxytocin and for the sociopath from a surge of Dopamine but every surge is inevitably followed by a sudden fall. That is when honeymoon phase ends.
Dear OxDrover
Thank you for correcting me. I am sorry if I sounded like blaming you. Mistakenly I mixed sex addiction with sociopathy. It is said that sex addiction may arise from being emotionally neglected as a child. I do completely agree with you that genetics plays a major role in sociopathy/pscyhopathy. I am sorry again and thanks for the clarification
Marcia
Here here, Oxy! My spath daughter had every advantage growing up. They were showered with love, but not spoilt. My ex had been sober for years,{he isa n alcoholic}, he had Polio when he was 15 which left him with one leg shorter than the lther, and with scoliosis of the spine. despite this, he learned to swim when we came to Australia so he could swim with his little girls, he became head of the parent teacher assoc. in 2 schools, to keep an eye on them,I was a teacher atone of their schools, and was a lso able to keep an eye on them. They went to everything they asked for, ballet classes, horse riding, ski trips, trips to the “Goldpanning” area of Oz, jazz ballet,kids over for paries, everything, The older one had straihgt A”s in every subject till she fell in with the punk crowd, {only condition of membership to their clan was to stip studying, so she downed tools overnight}. Left school against our wishes, ran away from home, Dad started drinking again as he was so upset by all this.So, the spath genes didnt kick in with her till she was past puberty.I know now that NOTHING we could have done or not done would ahve made any difference. She CHOSE to live this way, she CHOSE to hange out with the no-hoper crowd, she CHOSE to end up broke and without any paper qualifications to hr name,despite her teachers telling us she was one of the brightest students in the year, and could get in to any Uni in the country, even med. school, if she wished to.So, NO I was NOT to balme, neither was my ex, we did our best. Thats it.Love, Gem.XX
This is an amazingly insightful and informative Book: The Narcissistic/Borderline Couple: New Approaches to Marital Therapy
http://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Borderline-Couple-Approaches-Marital/dp/0415934710/ref=sr_1_1?ie=utf8mb4&s=books&qid=1269140965&sr=1-1
If anyone wants to obtain more specific and confidential information, leave me your contact information and I would discretely contact you.
Marcia
Marcia,
Thanks for the Narcisstic Sex & Fidelity reminders!
It’s so pathetic how they use sex as a tool to control and identefy themselves with. Sadley it became the hallmark of my relationship with the S, the tool to bring me pleasure and torture me with.