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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Part 2–“You have to start acting better”

Editor’s note: This is the completion of Lovefraud’s e-mail from “robxsykobabe.” The beginning was posted yesterday: Part 1—Giving him the benefit of the doubt.

He contacted me April 13th, 2010. Three days before his son’s 11th birthday. I didn’t respond as he “dangled the carrot” with texting me simply, “I wish”¦” Yeah, it was a game. I didn’t contact him because I felt sick to my stomach and severe panic after receiving it. I waited”¦and he didn’t contact me again. And I responded”¦and so the story goes.

We met and I was LESS than pleased. This was NOT the reunion where we embraced each other and kissed long, sultry kisses. It was the kind of meeting you’d see in a movie and expect a knife to be jabbed through someone’s stomach. I had NOTHING but contempt, disgust, and anger for him. He took it all. And he apologized, acknowledged, accepted, asked for forgiveness.

He agreed to go to “counseling” if we were to get back together, as he BELIEVED he had things to sort out with me. He, of course, had been in therapy for three months prior to contacting me as he had “bottomed out” in January of 2010, and began seeing a therapist to “deal with my abandonment issues and take stock of how I had treated people in my life, particularly you.” We began seeing each other with the understanding that we were NOT “dating” for long, as I was WELL on my way to having a “normal, healthy life,” and was ready for marriage and a family. He agreed”¦he went to counseling”¦he was in love”¦he wanted this to work”¦he was “on the boat—¦

Moving in

November of 2010 rolled around, after my grandmother had had a stroke in August. He told me of money issues he was having and how he needed to “rectify” them. We had been talking about moving in together, as we were supposedly on the same page. I told him to get the money situation cleared up”¦no big deal. December rolled around and I asked him when he was planning on moving in, as the “agreement” was that we would “date” for about nine months and then make a move”¦we were on month seven. He told me of the money issues he still had and I was quite displeased. I asked him again if he thought he would be moving in”¦he told me of his expectations of me IF he moved in (I would have to “drive” him places he “wanted” to go at night with no questions asked. He had a restricted driving license and couldn’t drive many places other than work.) I argued with him over that and set some boundaries. I WOULD do for him if he NEEDED something, I would NOT do for him ALL THE TIME if he simply WANTED something. He didn’t know if he could “live” with that. He, nonetheless, agreed to move in”¦but not until the end of the month.

Christmas came and he told me I would get “the BEST present anyone could EVER ask for”¦you’ll NEVER have a better Christmas than this one.” I was stoked. I opened my front door to find”¦a puppy. He bought me a puppy for Christmas”¦a puppy who would FAR outweigh my condos weight limit in a very short time. A puppy who needs a yard to run around in as she is a breed with A LOT of energy. I live in a condo with NO yard. Did I mention I had said I did NOT want a dog UNTIL I bought a house?

Commitment

So, New Years Eve comes and he asks me, “Do you realize what me buying you the dog means? It means commitment.” REALLY? A dog? OK? I had inherited in my 900 square foot condo a puppy, his 11-year-old son and him. It was an adjustment to say the least.

I struggled with this adjustment quite a bit. It was very overwhelming and there seemed to be little regard for my struggle. January 3rd my grandmother died. This added to the difficulty, as my family is EXTREMELY close. Needless to say, he and I began fighting quite a bit. He began what seemed to be “picking on” me. I didn’t understand. I was struggling with some significant changes and he was picking on me?

An argument ensued in mid January over my expectation that his son find “independent tasks” to do”¦you know, BE A CHILD! My ex did not want his son to have to do things on his own. So, I wound up watching television on the floor while my ex lay on my couch and his son on my love seat. I went to my bedroom and went online. He followed me in and we began arguing over our opinions. He packed his stuff and left, with his son, prompting his son to “thank” me for “letting him come to your house this weekend.” REALLY? His son was at my house EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!

When he came home the following Monday, he brought boxes to pack his things up in. He never brought them in the house, he just kept them in his car, I guess, “just in case.” He told me he doesn’t “like it” that he “got a better night’s sleep this weekend at home than I’ve gotten since moving in with you.” Hmmmm”¦he said “things need to change.” I took that and ran with it.

Rejection

I began “coming on” to him, repeatedly, only he was not interested. Not interested? He’s ALWAYS interested. Four times in a row I came onto him and four times in a row I was “denied.” as he said, “I’m tired”¦let’s try again tomorrow.” So I did, and I got rejected. One day, after having my feelings hurt, I actually ASKED him if we could be intimate later. He said, “let’s do it now.” I took it thinking it was somehow progress. He lay naked on my couch with me fully clothed. I hadn’t been touched, kissed or even looked at for that matter. He was “ready,” turned, looked at me, and said, “Do you want to get on?” I could not believe my ears. Do I want to get on? I asked him if he noticed I was fully clothed still and hadn’t been touched one time. I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that. His response”¦ “no.”

At that point, I was on a mission to better myself, as I knew I had NOT been super pleasant to be around since the end of December. I had been adjusting to quite a bit. So, at the end of January, I made a CONSCIOUS decision to worry about getting myself under control and being better. I had to make concerted efforts on a daily basis to see the glass as half full and see the “good” in all the changes. I had decided to “handle my feelings.”

Valentines Day

For Valentines Day, I had some beautiful pictures taken of myself to give to my ex. I was SOOOO excited about this, as I believed HE would be SOOOOO excited when he got them. The pictures came and I showed him the proofs online. My excitement was obvious. As I showed him his gift, he responded with no feeling, saying, “You got pictures taken of yourself? For what?” I said, “For you, for Valentines Day. Aren’t they good! Do you like them?!!!” He responded, “Yeah, they’re nice. Why would you think I would want pictures of you? I mean, they’re nice, but you went and got these done?” I WAS CRUSHED!!! I repeated myself. “I thought you’d like them. Aren’t you excited? Don’t you like them? You don’t like them do you?” His response, “Yeah, you’re a pretty girl. What, this isn’t the response you were looking for, is it?” I was so confused. Response? Response? No! I just wanted him to be happy and like them. He continued, “You’re not gonna get the response from me that you want until you start acting better.”

ACTING BETTER? The words echoed in my mind over and over. Acting better? Better than what? What does he mean? Acting better? Doesn’t he know how turned upside down my world is right now? He stated, “I’ve noticed your attitude change in the past three weeks and it’s been better. It takes more than three weeks though.” I not only was crushed, I now was insulted. Who did he think he was?

Hurting

With no sincere apology, my feelings continued to get hurt. The following weekend we were supposed to go see his biological mother and aunt. He, of course, couldn’t drive, so I would be. We argued on the way to the gym before leaving for the trip. I became so enraged with his lack of consideration for me I couldn’t even look at him. We drove to Michigan and spoke none, although not for lack of trying on his part. You see, before we left my house, he tried being extra nice, stating, “I want to have a good weekend at my aunt’s.” That was IT! He didn’t care about MY feelings”¦he cared about how HE looked to his family. I couldn’t pretend”¦he did.

The weekend at his aunt’s was miserable for me as he put on a show of how lovely of a person he was. The more he pretended, the angrier I got”¦and it showed. We came home from the weekend and I wanted to talk.

I told him, through sobbing, of how badly I felt, how badly my feelings were hurt, how badly I wanted him to sooth me and comfort me. I cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed, on the verge of begging him to show me attention and affection. He did none of it. In fact, after about an hour and a half of me falling apart in front of him, he looked at me and said, “Are you done?” I couldn’t believe my ears. Again”¦am I done? He said his son was “probably” hungry and he needed to get him a sandwich. And that he did.

Moving out

The next day he came home from work and told me we needed to talk. He said, “I love you”¦I’m just not in love with you and I just realized this on my way home from work. I’m not excited to see you or be here.” I was floored! He said he hadn’t felt connected to me since November and he moved in because he felt “obligated” to. He said he felt “pressured” as I put him on a time line. He also said he didn’t want to leave me with my grandmother having just passed. He wanted to be there for me. He asked me what I wanted to do about the bills and services we had. I told him I would take care of it all. I SPECIFICALLY said, “Leave them be, I will cancel or call and take care of them.”

I helped him pack his stuff, gladly at that point. As he proceeded to pack his things, I noticed he had left some items like his electric razor, coffee pot, mountain bike and some clothes. As I pulled the coffee pot from the counter he asked, “What are you doing with that?” I said, “I’m giving it back to you. It’s not mine.” He said, “Oh, you don’t want it?” I said, “I don’t drink coffee, why would I want your coffee pot?” He said, “I thought you might want some coffee tomorrow morning.”

We met in the kitchen and he proceeded to pick a fight with me over how I never liked his son and how I was just plain old mean to him. I, again, couldn’t believe my ears and responded with, “that’s a lie and you know it. I think your son is one of the nicest kids I’ve ever met and you know that too. I don’t agree with how clingy and dependent he is, but I’ve always liked him.” At that point, he dropped THE bomb”¦

He responded with, “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not attracted to, interested in or feeling you. I don’t even know if I like you.” And, now, it was on!

I went into my bedroom, got my keys and dog and said “I’ll take my keys now.” He was quite surprised with this request as he responded with, “What? Are you serious?” I said, “You don’t live here so you don’t need my keys. I will take them back now.” He asked how he was going to get his things (I believe he was planning on coming back the next day for his stuff). I simply said “I’ll put it all in the hallway and you can prop the bottom door open with a bag. You can get your things from the hallway. I will take my keys back.” He responded “It’s not like Im going to steal anything.” I said “I’m not saying you are. You don’t need my keys because you aren’t living here anymore so I will take them back.” With a look of absolute disgust, he took them out of his pocket and shoved them at me saying “here!”

I left with my dog and he packed his car from my hallway.

Cable bill

The next day, I received 3 texts from him TELLING ME what I needed to do about the bills as HE had already contacted Comcast and USCellular to get the information. I ignored the texts and what they said. He instant messaged me from yahoo, again TELLING ME what I needed to do and then gave ultimatums”¦ “If you don’t switch Comcast to your name I will cancel it later. It’s been five days now and you haven’t done anything. Again, you have to do things your way. I tried working with you but it has to be on your terms. I wish you the best.” Again, I didn’t respond.

Three weeks after he left, I realized he DID, in fact, steal from me! He stole my bike rack that was in the hallway! I had wondered how he got his bike home, as his car is so small that with all his bags he couldn’t have fit the bike. I found my answer!

One month later, to the day, I get another text from him simply asking, “Have you contacted Comcast yet?” I didn’t respond. Mind you, the bill and account are in HIS name. I had contacted Comcast, about 10 times, to see what my responsibility was regarding the bill and switching the service out. They assured me multiple times, I was NOT responsible for any bill as the service was in HIS name. I also could NOT switch the service out, as again, the account was in HIS name. He needed to do this.

One month later, I received another text from him telling me I have mail and he would like for me to respond by the afternoon. The email basically was an attempt at guilting me into paying for the Comcast that he hadn’t shut off yet. The bill was $200. He proceeded to tell me how he never took me as untrustworthy or dishonest. He also didn’t know how I could think “using” the cable without paying the bill was an honest thing to do. He didn’t know how I could consider myself a “good person” because of this, and he was giving me “one more chance to do the right thing and pay half the bill as its only fair because (he) wasn’t there for the month I used the cable.” I didn’t respond.
Later that day I received a phone call from him, beginning with, “I don’t know why you’re choosing to not communicate with me over the cable” and basically reiterating all that was in the email, but with such a snide, condescending tone. He again told me how “dishonest” and “untrustworthy” I am and how he never “took” me as that kind of person. He told me to call him when I got the message OTHERWISE I leave him NO OTHER option than to turn the cable off! I COULD HAVE CARED LESS! I did not respond.

He shut off the cable that night and sent me another email giving me directions on how I needed to return all the equipment (that was in his name). He told me if I chose not to return the equipment, he made sure Comcast “knew the situation” and they had now associated the account with MY address. If I did not return the equipment, he said it would be “very difficult for you to get other service at your house, as the account is now linked to your home.” It was a line of bull. I called Comcast about this and they told me “he’s telling you that because the equipment is in his name and if you don’t turn it in, he will be charged”¦like $600 for the missing equipment.” I knew it! Another game.

Almost 3 months later, I am still getting bills addressed to him from Comcast for the remainder of the bill, which, according to him, is MY responsibility. He has also gotten notices from two different collection agencies within the past week. I wonder if one of them is for the Comcast bill J

 


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32 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Part 2–“You have to start acting better”"

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Dear Lovefraud writer, After reading your summary I was wondering if your spath & mine where one in the same person but that couldn’t be since my experience took place 30 years earlier. I too met my ex-husband spath through a dating agency & I too was told about his 2 kids he had no contact with. I was told about his son who he hadn’t seen in years.
As it turned out he was the son of the first wife I was never told about. And then I was told about his daughter who was never wanted and was conceived on a holiday binging weekend with an ex-girlfriend.
He told me that neither woman would allow him contact with either child. He told me how the mother of his daughter ran off with another man & deserted him taking the baby.
The TRUTH was that he had deserted mother & child for the woman that had preceded me. So the mother of his child moved on, found a husband who married her and adopted her child.
My ex-spath neither paid child support for either child since they had been adopted by both women’s new husbands.
He too convinced me that he had turned over a new leaf and was reformed having given up drugs & booze.
I too believed in giving someone the benefit of the doubt
and second chances. But now that I am older and wiser and more cautious I wouldn’t risk it again.
Aside from the fact I have been in a comfortable marriage for many years. But if single I would never take on the emotional baggage of a spath again. But now I know what red flags to listen to and what to watch for.
Joanie

You brought up a good thing to watch for with spaths. I have learned that whatever they tell you, it is usually the opposite. Like in your case he was saying these women would not let him see his children when in reality, he had deserted THEM. I found those type of lies with the spath’s that I dealt with also. They will always turn things around, but until you can talk to the other side, there’s no way of knowing at the time that what they are saying is not true.

Babe,
thanks for writing out your story.
I also had mine tell me: “we can’t get married because we fight too much. If you can go an entire year without fighting, then we could get married. ”

Well he stuck around for 25 years without marriage even though we fought too much for a wedding. It was a carrot dangle meant to make me acquiesce to his will. Too bad for him because when I left him, he got nothing and had no way of going after it. He threatened lawyers and legal action, but he had nothing since there were no papers to tie us together – by his OWN choice. The only thing he had done was convince me to make out my will leaving everything, including my house, to him.

LOL!

Skylar: It was a good thing you got out while the getting was good! Otherwise you may have disappeared from the face of the earth; AND HE MAY HAVE GOTTEN AWAY WITH IT!
My young daughter is currently being pursued by a wealthy older widower. Luckily she doesn’t like him and she’s listening to my advice to avoid him.
This guy’s wife died last month, UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES!
As yet, no one has been charged but the wife just last year came into a major inheritance. So last month she blows her brains out. The gun is found on the night stand next to the bed. It was ruled a suicide. But things just don’t add up.
Such as why would a happily married woman who just inherited money kill herself?
Anyhow the guy is pursuing my unwed daughter and she’s scared. I told her to keep her distance and avoid him like the PLAGUE!
My daughter may be missing a good catch or she may not be.
In either event I don’t want my daughter being found dead down the road. So I told her to stay away. My daughter is in college and will be in a good career so I have faith she’ll find the right guy.
Joanie

Joanie:

Wow! First of all, if it was a suicide, how could the gun have been on the nightstand? Second…he is pursuing someone ONLY one month after his poor wife supposedly commits suicide?? Who does that other than someone who is NOT worthy? And if he did do it, he will most likely get away with it.

Joanie—I agree with eb92044, sounds fishy to me!!!!

Ox: I agree. I just don’t like the whole scenario. The guy maybe innocent. But I don’t want my daughter in a Drew Peterson scenario. Sometimes these guys escape justice and fool even law enforcement and then 2 or 3 wives latter they get found out. On the other hand the guy maybe totally innocent.
But in any event he sounds like an asshole and maybe he was just so dysfunctional he drove the wife to it. I believe that. That some people put out a negative aura and can drive you to drink or even suicide. In any event who goes wife looking so soon after a death? Any one with a brain would give themselves space to heal and go looking for a good quality mate.

Joanie,

I absolutely agree that going “wife hunting” a month after your wife kills herself is a “bit odd”—TO SAY THE LEAST (a little tongue in cheek here) LOL I don’t blame you at all for being suspicious of this guy and I hope that your daughter listens to [email protected] AMEN!!!!

I read this article before I read Part I, so I had somewhat of a different reaction after reading part I. Just from reading this part alone, what jumped out at me was a reminder of a 3-year relationship I was in many years ago that ended in him basically pulling away and cheating on me while we lived together. Or rather, he was having a long distance emotional affair and threw it in my face, for unknown reason. He had stopped caring, stopped respecting me, and stopped wanting me. Things had been going in that direction for a long time. I allowed it to happen and played the needy, begging woman. I begged for his attention, doing many of the things babe did. It drove him farther away. This guy was not a spath, though he certainly wasn’t the most compassionate man. I have often wondered if there is anything I could have done to redirect the relationship before it had gotten to this point, because we were once so much in love. In retrospect, I don’t know if he is really the kind of person I could have lived with forever. But it is VERY clear to me that I did not value myself in that relationship. So how could I expect him to value me?

After reading Part I, I see the added component to babe’s story – the prison record, lying about it, shady past, and so on. This guy was bad news from day 1. Babe systematically accepted these things as okay. So over time, it’s as if nothing the guy did was a deal breaker. I know I’ve been there a few times with men, and once you basically “accept” them for who they are, they could do whatever they want and you won’t see it as a red flag anymore, because you’ve already accepted their basic character. I see a combination of things happening. I see that this is a really really bad guy and probably very high on the sociopath scale. This sounds like a very dangerous person to be involved with, and babe, I hope you are in NC at this point. And the other thing I see is babe failing to value herself by watching him pull away, and instead of just pulling back and taking care of her own life, trying harder and harder to get his attention, continuing to focus more energy on him. Even with normal men, this tactic doesn’t seem to work – at least it has never worked for me.

Obviously, he is really bad news, and he has been from day one. On the other hand. in general, I can’t fault a guy for simply pulling away and losing interest. This is not necessarily a sociopathic discard, because many men do it if they sense the woman does not value herself or is leaning too far toward him to fill her needs.

All of this points to the need for us to value ourselves and put ourselves first in our own lives. I believe that doing so makes us able to have much clearer boundaries in our relationships. If we value ourselves highly, we will also attract men who will value us, rather then disrespect and discard us.

No, it’s called chasing and it NEVER works. It turns men off. They are the ones supposed to do the chasing (by nature), not us. They see that as no challenge whatsoever and become bored.

Also, I read something on here earlier in the evening. It was in one of the many articles. It rung true with me. It was talking about the con and how when we are being conned it’s because we feel like we can trust the person, but it also is because they make us feel like THEY trust US. Bingo for me. You can imagine with my X spath…he was five levels above me at the company we both worked. And he was telling me all kinds of confidential information. What better way to con me and make me feel that he must really care about me; must really trust me if he was confiding all these things in me. Ooooooh, he was good, let me tell you. Soooo cunning.

92044,
the confidential information sharing is a form of bonding that sociopaths do.
It’s called “our little secret”. pedophiles groom kids that way and sociopaths groom us that way too.

My spath would use the pity ploy to entice people – good and moral people – to do something illegal. Of course he would test them out first and use the slippery slope method too.

It’s like this: “oh you are paying so much to those licensed A/P mechanics to do the annual on your helicopter, and they don’t even do it right! Look, see this alrjesrjelrmacallit? It needs to be within xxxx tolerance and look! there’s a crack in it! Your mechanic, like so many others, has a license but he makes mistakes. You can’t trust these guys and it’s YOUR life that’s at risk! I’ll help you. I’m always broke and could use extra cash to put avgas into my helicopter. I can make sure that YOUR helicopter is in as pristine condition as mine. And I won’t charge even half of what those con-artists charge. It’s not legal though, for me to work on your copter because I’m not licensed. So it will be our little secret. You know, the world is against us. The cards are stacked against us. Nobody cares if you die in your helicopter, as long as the forms were filled in correctly…. blah, blah, blah.”

He knew how to make you feel sorry for him and concurrently justify saving some money for yourself. It seems like a win-win situation. They are so slick.

Be on guard for the spaths when they connive to ask you to keep SECRETS. ITS A HUGE RED FLAG REDFLAG REDFLAG REDFLAG!

DON’T KEEP SECRETS. it’s a test and a slippery slope rolled into one.

skylar:

Slick is right. Yours sounds very dangerous. I feel for you that you had to endure that. Evil.

Thank you so much for that story. I will watch for this in the future. My X spath didn’t ask me to keep secrets. He just had diarrhea of the mouth and told me all kind of stuff about people, but he never asked me to keep secrets. But looking back I can still see that it was a ploy to bond me to him. No doubt it was still spath type of crap.

My X husband, who is not a spath, is a licensed A/P mechanic…ironic.

Update on my daughter’s situation:
My daughter called me tonight and said she may have to get a restraining order. My daughter is off college for the Summer and is waiting tables at a greasy spoon.
The “older widower” got her cell phone number from one of her girlfriend’s who had to much to drink on a Saturday night.
The guy keep’s showing up at my daughter’s restaurant and my daughter is now being walked to her car at the end of her shift.
Her boss wants her to get a restraining order.
I told my daughter I don’t want her leaving her apartment unescorted and to be aware of her surroundings when she leaves work or her apartment.
Who stalks someone right after their wife dies?
I know who, a sociopath!!!
Anyhow I’ll keep you all updated. My daughter may have to get the restraining order this week. She’s living out of state and she only has 2 more semmester’s of nursing school so I don’t want to uproot her and bring her home at this point.
After next Summer she is scheduled to go for officer training for the military.
I’m afraid to tell my husband because he may insist we bring her home. I hope this can be ended quickly & safely.
Several people know who he is so I don’t think he’d be so foolish to try something stupid and my daughter just found out the guy has been married twice. Why is an old man chasing a pretty young girl? Why doesn’t he look for an older woman? I would never give a young unwed girl to a guy with that track record.
Joanie

Joanie,
if ever there was a time to remember gray rock, this is it.
She needs to bore him away.
I’m not sure a restraining order would be best because, as we all know, it doesn’t stop the nutjobs. Another drawback about the restraining order is that it reeks of drama, which ATTRACTS spaths. The restraining order shows fear. They love fear.

I’m not giving you legal advice or anything like that, this is just my opinion from my own experience. I did not file a PO on my spath for these very reasons (and others). Boring him away would be really good. She needs to understand what that means: No response, no reaction, no emotion, botox face. no sudden movements, no exciting news, baggy clothing, no shiny jewelry. Gray rock, it bores them away, because they need constant stimulation, they are infants. they can’t stand boring. It’s their kryptonite.

Joanie:

It would be interesting to find out what happened to his first wife. Did she die, too? Like I had said before, no normal man would be pursuing someone like that just one month after his wife’s death. I will pray for your daughter.

Joanie,

Since this guy is OBVIOUSLY UNSTABLE, and has not had a long standing relationship with your daughter, he is essentially a “stranger stalker” who is most likely DELUSIONAL about their “relationship” I would recommend that your daughter get a restraining order against him, because otherwise the cops really won’t (can’t?) do much about him stalking her. It MAY make him angry that she is “rejecting” him officially, but it MAY also deter him, but in the meantime, she MUST protect herself by not being “alone” where he can attack or accost her.

I agree with Sky that she should not “react” to him if she does see him, no hysterics or whatever, and as much as possible pretend she doesn’t even see him or notice him or hear him if he speaks. Block all access by changing numbers, blocking e mail, etc.

I understand about her not wanting to finish up her nursing by changing schools, (I’m a retired nurse) but at the same time SAFETY is the most important thing….

As for you “keeping the secret” about this from your husband. I am sorry that you and he are not more able to communicate openly with him and come to a consensus on how to handle things in your family. I have found though that keeping “family secrets” from other members of the family may eventually cause more problems than it prevents.

In any case, I am glad you found Love Fraud. You and your daughter are in my prayers. (((hugs))))

My spath was always making me keep secrets and I was so naive when I was young I didn’t even realize I was playing his game.

I_survived_The_Bastard

To the Letterwriter – I had something similar with my spath. We had cable ad when I threw him out I rang them up saying he had moved out and I wanted to change the account into my name. They wouldn’t because they needed his permission to do that. I kept explaining the situation, that he no longer lived here & had moved away, but they wouldn’t change it. So in the end I left it & there is still a bill outstanding 8 years on. I used to get loads of letters from them addressed to him, so I just readdress them & sent them back. The problem is, now I can’t get cable with that supplier as there is a bill outstanding on the address.

I also found that he had stolen from me. I had left the house while he moved out, as directed by the solicitor’s letter, but several months later I realised he had stolen all my computer software which I used for my work!! Not good.

I_survived_The_Bastard

Skylar – mine also asked me to keep secrets and to this day I don’t know how true what he told me was. I’ve spoken to several people who know specifically about what he told me (law enforcement people) and they were watching him, but even they don’t know how involved he was. I was advised that if there was ever serious problems, that if I ever had to call the police regarding him, I needed to tell them that he was under observation by XXX (don’t want to say – still too scared)

It is amazing that spaths are so typical. I figured early that he was sick, but I didn’t now how sick. I had been a widow for 6 years after 25 years of marriage. I had other proposals, but no one tripped my trigger like the spath I said yes to. We married in December 2010. Two days later his raging began. I chalked it up to stress. He moved out in April and I filed for annulment. I just left him last month after he talked me into giving it another go. This one only lasted a month…until he gambled all his money away, and then told me I owed him two thousand dollars..I packed my bags, and went back to my home. Since then his estranged daughters have filled me in on the reality of this man. I married an image, and not the truth. It still hurts….I am so thankful for the advice on this site to not engage in his crazy emails, and texts.

Dear Watchout4,

Yes, they can “trip your trigger” for sure….I too was a widow and fell for one, but it still hurt. I’m glad you had validation from his daughters as well. Keep on reading and learning! NO CONTACT is the way to start healing.

Another good Bump Up from the good ole archives!There are actually 2 parts to this;hard to decide which one to bump…but you can access part 1 from here,so read it too.

This guy is a “true blue” sociopath!His lies,the way he manipulates,his attitude of putting the blame of any failure on her.He reminds me so much of my spath in that he was interested in his own pleasure and could care less about hers.No comfort when she needed him the most!Heart of stone!

Blossom: Another great article! I found the end a little amusing. my cable is in my name and his garage room is hooked up. He pays for a DVR, I have a router so he can get wi-fi, etc. All wonderful for me because he pays the cable bill…yes, this time around, I get a LOT more than I did years ago. The only frustrating thing was the DVR with On Demand. One of the many times when he was in “moving out if you don’t do what I want” mode, I called the cable company and asked if anyone was watching pay per view movies. He was. I tried to confront him and it did not go well. This was about a year ago when I didn’t realize he was a narcissistic sociopath incapable of anything normal. He tried a little nonsense a few days ago, so I called the cable company and asked if all pay per view could be removed from his cable box only. It can! So the cable tech told me he fixed the spath’s cable box where he can not do any “impulse purchases.” That is what the cable company calls them. But I can! He did recommend that I go in and make sure it worked and if it didn’t, to put in a parental code blocking him from buying any movies. Other than that, everything in the only room he has access to is his except a 12 year old microwave and a 75.00 toaster oven. He can have those.

There are unique ways to protect ourselves. I strongly recommend setting up a separate situation for them where there is a wall between you. That is what I have always done with him, both times he lived here. He has a separate entrance and no key to my part of the house. It took some plywood in front of a door and an extra door going outside a large master bedroom where he lives. I will never truly live with a man again.

Very helpful reading the conversations we have all had with these creatures. And the cable thing was pretty funny. His victim got cable and he has a bad credit report.

fight,
I THINK IT’S FUNNY that you were able to stop spath from ordering movies on impulse!!! 🙂 Believe me,I know how easy it is to choose that option!My spath would have done it more often had I not been there to remind him of the cost and content!If I hadn’t been there,he wouldn’t have cared!He has cable bills that he still owes.

When we were together,spath got internet access for his laptop with the router we had hooked up to my desktop.I’ve got to get that router mailed back to the company.Tell me(if you know):if you have a webcam,can someone else,from another computer turn it on and take a picture?!A couple of times(when I wasn’t using it),I saw a green flash.

Speaking of cable,spath used that and internet(turning services off) to intimidate me whenever he was feeling in an ugly mood.Which is why I LOVE being the one paying the bill!I wouldn’t pay for his usage,but I’ll happily pay for myself! 🙂

Do you want to get on??!!?? Err….no?!

Tea Light,
no comprehendo ???!!

Tea Light,
oh wait!you mean like on skype?

I can’t help myself. This letter particularly do you want to get on has reminded me of a moment the first day I was intimate physically with my abuser who very quickly afterwards went on to say very disturbing things to me during sex and then to assault me. I was in the kitchen doing dishes – he had informed me he.hated housework which in fact meant he point blank refused to do any and became aggressive and wierdly agitated when I laughed thinking he was joking or exagerrating – he came in completely naked with an erection with a deadly serious look on his face as in ” look at me arent you aroused by the sight of this” and I looked down and saw he was wearing his old man slippers which had holes in thèmes. I’ve never seen a more ridiculous self important delusional narcissistic fool in my life.

No love! The man in the letter says it to the author!

Blossom the last message was for you! My jaw dropped at the guy on the sofa!

Tea Light,
My jaw dropped too!But it did remind me of the arrogance of spath;”Gimme what I want NOW,nevermind all that unimportant arousal stuff!” I’m not one to talk about intimate matters,but he LOVED doing so~~~not to me,but to let our daughters(ewwwwww!)know that we’d “gotten it on” It didn’t take long for me to set him straight on that!Of course he had to win!If he couldn’t do things his way,there just wouldn’t be any!

Hi Blossom: Isn’t it interesting how very much alike they can be? That’s why I enjoy telling mine that he is just like all of the other sociopaths in the world. Not unique. Not a winner. Exactly like the others.

I don’t recall seeing a flashing light on my router. I think photos are usually taken from a computer or a camera connected to a computer. You can just unplug the router if you aren’t using it. I bought mine from the cable company and I believe that is how it usually works. You might just unplug it and if you ever get a roku or a blu-ray player that uses wi-fi, you might want to use it.

What was really funny is that after I had that part of his DVR blocked, that night he started telling me movies he wanted to watch. I told him I have very few on my mailer movie account that I really want to see and I would be happy to throw in one he wants here and there as long as they aren’t slasher or other nonsense. I strongly felt he had already tried to look at movies and found he couldn’t order them. I just acted so nice by offering to order him movies on my mail account movie plan from another company. But, I never mentioned blocking his. I still have to check his. I may be laughing and they might not have been able to make it happen! I think they did, though, because he brought it up. When he goes for his next surgery, I will put a parental control password on it if they haven’t blocked it.

I am very lucky because I have a naturally introverted personality and I enjoy my alone time. I like to read and cook and garden and watch movies and TV by myself more than the average person. Too much company drains me. Doing things I like in peace and quiet by myself charges my battery back up. Loneliness is sometimes a difficulty, but we all have to feel lonely sometimes. It’s better than feeling threatened. I, too, am very glad to own my own home in my name and have all of my bills in my name.

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