Editor’s note: This is the completion of Lovefraud’s e-mail from “robxsykobabe.” The beginning was posted yesterday: Part 1—Giving him the benefit of the doubt.
He contacted me April 13th, 2010. Three days before his son’s 11th birthday. I didn’t respond as he “dangled the carrot” with texting me simply, “I wish”¦” Yeah, it was a game. I didn’t contact him because I felt sick to my stomach and severe panic after receiving it. I waited”¦and he didn’t contact me again. And I responded”¦and so the story goes.
We met and I was LESS than pleased. This was NOT the reunion where we embraced each other and kissed long, sultry kisses. It was the kind of meeting you’d see in a movie and expect a knife to be jabbed through someone’s stomach. I had NOTHING but contempt, disgust, and anger for him. He took it all. And he apologized, acknowledged, accepted, asked for forgiveness.
He agreed to go to “counseling” if we were to get back together, as he BELIEVED he had things to sort out with me. He, of course, had been in therapy for three months prior to contacting me as he had “bottomed out” in January of 2010, and began seeing a therapist to “deal with my abandonment issues and take stock of how I had treated people in my life, particularly you.” We began seeing each other with the understanding that we were NOT “dating” for long, as I was WELL on my way to having a “normal, healthy life,” and was ready for marriage and a family. He agreed”¦he went to counseling”¦he was in love”¦he wanted this to work”¦he was “on the boat—¦
Moving in
November of 2010 rolled around, after my grandmother had had a stroke in August. He told me of money issues he was having and how he needed to “rectify” them. We had been talking about moving in together, as we were supposedly on the same page. I told him to get the money situation cleared up”¦no big deal. December rolled around and I asked him when he was planning on moving in, as the “agreement” was that we would “date” for about nine months and then make a move”¦we were on month seven. He told me of the money issues he still had and I was quite displeased. I asked him again if he thought he would be moving in”¦he told me of his expectations of me IF he moved in (I would have to “drive” him places he “wanted” to go at night with no questions asked. He had a restricted driving license and couldn’t drive many places other than work.) I argued with him over that and set some boundaries. I WOULD do for him if he NEEDED something, I would NOT do for him ALL THE TIME if he simply WANTED something. He didn’t know if he could “live” with that. He, nonetheless, agreed to move in”¦but not until the end of the month.
Christmas came and he told me I would get “the BEST present anyone could EVER ask for”¦you’ll NEVER have a better Christmas than this one.” I was stoked. I opened my front door to find”¦a puppy. He bought me a puppy for Christmas”¦a puppy who would FAR outweigh my condos weight limit in a very short time. A puppy who needs a yard to run around in as she is a breed with A LOT of energy. I live in a condo with NO yard. Did I mention I had said I did NOT want a dog UNTIL I bought a house?
Commitment
So, New Years Eve comes and he asks me, “Do you realize what me buying you the dog means? It means commitment.” REALLY? A dog? OK? I had inherited in my 900 square foot condo a puppy, his 11-year-old son and him. It was an adjustment to say the least.
I struggled with this adjustment quite a bit. It was very overwhelming and there seemed to be little regard for my struggle. January 3rd my grandmother died. This added to the difficulty, as my family is EXTREMELY close. Needless to say, he and I began fighting quite a bit. He began what seemed to be “picking on” me. I didn’t understand. I was struggling with some significant changes and he was picking on me?
An argument ensued in mid January over my expectation that his son find “independent tasks” to do”¦you know, BE A CHILD! My ex did not want his son to have to do things on his own. So, I wound up watching television on the floor while my ex lay on my couch and his son on my love seat. I went to my bedroom and went online. He followed me in and we began arguing over our opinions. He packed his stuff and left, with his son, prompting his son to “thank” me for “letting him come to your house this weekend.” REALLY? His son was at my house EVERY OTHER WEEKEND!
When he came home the following Monday, he brought boxes to pack his things up in. He never brought them in the house, he just kept them in his car, I guess, “just in case.” He told me he doesn’t “like it” that he “got a better night’s sleep this weekend at home than I’ve gotten since moving in with you.” Hmmmm”¦he said “things need to change.” I took that and ran with it.
Rejection
I began “coming on” to him, repeatedly, only he was not interested. Not interested? He’s ALWAYS interested. Four times in a row I came onto him and four times in a row I was “denied.” as he said, “I’m tired”¦let’s try again tomorrow.” So I did, and I got rejected. One day, after having my feelings hurt, I actually ASKED him if we could be intimate later. He said, “let’s do it now.” I took it thinking it was somehow progress. He lay naked on my couch with me fully clothed. I hadn’t been touched, kissed or even looked at for that matter. He was “ready,” turned, looked at me, and said, “Do you want to get on?” I could not believe my ears. Do I want to get on? I asked him if he noticed I was fully clothed still and hadn’t been touched one time. I asked him if he saw anything wrong with that. His response”¦ “no.”
At that point, I was on a mission to better myself, as I knew I had NOT been super pleasant to be around since the end of December. I had been adjusting to quite a bit. So, at the end of January, I made a CONSCIOUS decision to worry about getting myself under control and being better. I had to make concerted efforts on a daily basis to see the glass as half full and see the “good” in all the changes. I had decided to “handle my feelings.”
Valentines Day
For Valentines Day, I had some beautiful pictures taken of myself to give to my ex. I was SOOOO excited about this, as I believed HE would be SOOOOO excited when he got them. The pictures came and I showed him the proofs online. My excitement was obvious. As I showed him his gift, he responded with no feeling, saying, “You got pictures taken of yourself? For what?” I said, “For you, for Valentines Day. Aren’t they good! Do you like them?!!!” He responded, “Yeah, they’re nice. Why would you think I would want pictures of you? I mean, they’re nice, but you went and got these done?” I WAS CRUSHED!!! I repeated myself. “I thought you’d like them. Aren’t you excited? Don’t you like them? You don’t like them do you?” His response, “Yeah, you’re a pretty girl. What, this isn’t the response you were looking for, is it?” I was so confused. Response? Response? No! I just wanted him to be happy and like them. He continued, “You’re not gonna get the response from me that you want until you start acting better.”
ACTING BETTER? The words echoed in my mind over and over. Acting better? Better than what? What does he mean? Acting better? Doesn’t he know how turned upside down my world is right now? He stated, “I’ve noticed your attitude change in the past three weeks and it’s been better. It takes more than three weeks though.” I not only was crushed, I now was insulted. Who did he think he was?
Hurting
With no sincere apology, my feelings continued to get hurt. The following weekend we were supposed to go see his biological mother and aunt. He, of course, couldn’t drive, so I would be. We argued on the way to the gym before leaving for the trip. I became so enraged with his lack of consideration for me I couldn’t even look at him. We drove to Michigan and spoke none, although not for lack of trying on his part. You see, before we left my house, he tried being extra nice, stating, “I want to have a good weekend at my aunt’s.” That was IT! He didn’t care about MY feelings”¦he cared about how HE looked to his family. I couldn’t pretend”¦he did.
The weekend at his aunt’s was miserable for me as he put on a show of how lovely of a person he was. The more he pretended, the angrier I got”¦and it showed. We came home from the weekend and I wanted to talk.
I told him, through sobbing, of how badly I felt, how badly my feelings were hurt, how badly I wanted him to sooth me and comfort me. I cried and cried and sobbed and sobbed, on the verge of begging him to show me attention and affection. He did none of it. In fact, after about an hour and a half of me falling apart in front of him, he looked at me and said, “Are you done?” I couldn’t believe my ears. Again”¦am I done? He said his son was “probably” hungry and he needed to get him a sandwich. And that he did.
Moving out
The next day he came home from work and told me we needed to talk. He said, “I love you”¦I’m just not in love with you and I just realized this on my way home from work. I’m not excited to see you or be here.” I was floored! He said he hadn’t felt connected to me since November and he moved in because he felt “obligated” to. He said he felt “pressured” as I put him on a time line. He also said he didn’t want to leave me with my grandmother having just passed. He wanted to be there for me. He asked me what I wanted to do about the bills and services we had. I told him I would take care of it all. I SPECIFICALLY said, “Leave them be, I will cancel or call and take care of them.”
I helped him pack his stuff, gladly at that point. As he proceeded to pack his things, I noticed he had left some items like his electric razor, coffee pot, mountain bike and some clothes. As I pulled the coffee pot from the counter he asked, “What are you doing with that?” I said, “I’m giving it back to you. It’s not mine.” He said, “Oh, you don’t want it?” I said, “I don’t drink coffee, why would I want your coffee pot?” He said, “I thought you might want some coffee tomorrow morning.”
We met in the kitchen and he proceeded to pick a fight with me over how I never liked his son and how I was just plain old mean to him. I, again, couldn’t believe my ears and responded with, “that’s a lie and you know it. I think your son is one of the nicest kids I’ve ever met and you know that too. I don’t agree with how clingy and dependent he is, but I’ve always liked him.” At that point, he dropped THE bomb”¦
He responded with, “I don’t want to hurt you. I’m not attracted to, interested in or feeling you. I don’t even know if I like you.” And, now, it was on!
I went into my bedroom, got my keys and dog and said “I’ll take my keys now.” He was quite surprised with this request as he responded with, “What? Are you serious?” I said, “You don’t live here so you don’t need my keys. I will take them back now.” He asked how he was going to get his things (I believe he was planning on coming back the next day for his stuff). I simply said “I’ll put it all in the hallway and you can prop the bottom door open with a bag. You can get your things from the hallway. I will take my keys back.” He responded “It’s not like Im going to steal anything.” I said “I’m not saying you are. You don’t need my keys because you aren’t living here anymore so I will take them back.” With a look of absolute disgust, he took them out of his pocket and shoved them at me saying “here!”
I left with my dog and he packed his car from my hallway.
Cable bill
The next day, I received 3 texts from him TELLING ME what I needed to do about the bills as HE had already contacted Comcast and USCellular to get the information. I ignored the texts and what they said. He instant messaged me from yahoo, again TELLING ME what I needed to do and then gave ultimatums”¦ “If you don’t switch Comcast to your name I will cancel it later. It’s been five days now and you haven’t done anything. Again, you have to do things your way. I tried working with you but it has to be on your terms. I wish you the best.” Again, I didn’t respond.
Three weeks after he left, I realized he DID, in fact, steal from me! He stole my bike rack that was in the hallway! I had wondered how he got his bike home, as his car is so small that with all his bags he couldn’t have fit the bike. I found my answer!
One month later, to the day, I get another text from him simply asking, “Have you contacted Comcast yet?” I didn’t respond. Mind you, the bill and account are in HIS name. I had contacted Comcast, about 10 times, to see what my responsibility was regarding the bill and switching the service out. They assured me multiple times, I was NOT responsible for any bill as the service was in HIS name. I also could NOT switch the service out, as again, the account was in HIS name. He needed to do this.
One month later, I received another text from him telling me I have mail and he would like for me to respond by the afternoon. The email basically was an attempt at guilting me into paying for the Comcast that he hadn’t shut off yet. The bill was $200. He proceeded to tell me how he never took me as untrustworthy or dishonest. He also didn’t know how I could think “using” the cable without paying the bill was an honest thing to do. He didn’t know how I could consider myself a “good person” because of this, and he was giving me “one more chance to do the right thing and pay half the bill as its only fair because (he) wasn’t there for the month I used the cable.” I didn’t respond.
Later that day I received a phone call from him, beginning with, “I don’t know why you’re choosing to not communicate with me over the cable” and basically reiterating all that was in the email, but with such a snide, condescending tone. He again told me how “dishonest” and “untrustworthy” I am and how he never “took” me as that kind of person. He told me to call him when I got the message OTHERWISE I leave him NO OTHER option than to turn the cable off! I COULD HAVE CARED LESS! I did not respond.
He shut off the cable that night and sent me another email giving me directions on how I needed to return all the equipment (that was in his name). He told me if I chose not to return the equipment, he made sure Comcast “knew the situation” and they had now associated the account with MY address. If I did not return the equipment, he said it would be “very difficult for you to get other service at your house, as the account is now linked to your home.” It was a line of bull. I called Comcast about this and they told me “he’s telling you that because the equipment is in his name and if you don’t turn it in, he will be charged”¦like $600 for the missing equipment.” I knew it! Another game.
Almost 3 months later, I am still getting bills addressed to him from Comcast for the remainder of the bill, which, according to him, is MY responsibility. He has also gotten notices from two different collection agencies within the past week. I wonder if one of them is for the Comcast bill J
92044,
the confidential information sharing is a form of bonding that sociopaths do.
It’s called “our little secret”. pedophiles groom kids that way and sociopaths groom us that way too.
My spath would use the pity ploy to entice people – good and moral people – to do something illegal. Of course he would test them out first and use the slippery slope method too.
It’s like this: “oh you are paying so much to those licensed A/P mechanics to do the annual on your helicopter, and they don’t even do it right! Look, see this alrjesrjelrmacallit? It needs to be within xxxx tolerance and look! there’s a crack in it! Your mechanic, like so many others, has a license but he makes mistakes. You can’t trust these guys and it’s YOUR life that’s at risk! I’ll help you. I’m always broke and could use extra cash to put avgas into my helicopter. I can make sure that YOUR helicopter is in as pristine condition as mine. And I won’t charge even half of what those con-artists charge. It’s not legal though, for me to work on your copter because I’m not licensed. So it will be our little secret. You know, the world is against us. The cards are stacked against us. Nobody cares if you die in your helicopter, as long as the forms were filled in correctly…. blah, blah, blah.”
He knew how to make you feel sorry for him and concurrently justify saving some money for yourself. It seems like a win-win situation. They are so slick.
Be on guard for the spaths when they connive to ask you to keep SECRETS. ITS A HUGE RED FLAG REDFLAG REDFLAG REDFLAG!
DON’T KEEP SECRETS. it’s a test and a slippery slope rolled into one.
skylar:
Slick is right. Yours sounds very dangerous. I feel for you that you had to endure that. Evil.
Thank you so much for that story. I will watch for this in the future. My X spath didn’t ask me to keep secrets. He just had diarrhea of the mouth and told me all kind of stuff about people, but he never asked me to keep secrets. But looking back I can still see that it was a ploy to bond me to him. No doubt it was still spath type of crap.
My X husband, who is not a spath, is a licensed A/P mechanic…ironic.
Update on my daughter’s situation:
My daughter called me tonight and said she may have to get a restraining order. My daughter is off college for the Summer and is waiting tables at a greasy spoon.
The “older widower” got her cell phone number from one of her girlfriend’s who had to much to drink on a Saturday night.
The guy keep’s showing up at my daughter’s restaurant and my daughter is now being walked to her car at the end of her shift.
Her boss wants her to get a restraining order.
I told my daughter I don’t want her leaving her apartment unescorted and to be aware of her surroundings when she leaves work or her apartment.
Who stalks someone right after their wife dies?
I know who, a sociopath!!!
Anyhow I’ll keep you all updated. My daughter may have to get the restraining order this week. She’s living out of state and she only has 2 more semmester’s of nursing school so I don’t want to uproot her and bring her home at this point.
After next Summer she is scheduled to go for officer training for the military.
I’m afraid to tell my husband because he may insist we bring her home. I hope this can be ended quickly & safely.
Several people know who he is so I don’t think he’d be so foolish to try something stupid and my daughter just found out the guy has been married twice. Why is an old man chasing a pretty young girl? Why doesn’t he look for an older woman? I would never give a young unwed girl to a guy with that track record.
Joanie
Joanie,
if ever there was a time to remember gray rock, this is it.
She needs to bore him away.
I’m not sure a restraining order would be best because, as we all know, it doesn’t stop the nutjobs. Another drawback about the restraining order is that it reeks of drama, which ATTRACTS spaths. The restraining order shows fear. They love fear.
I’m not giving you legal advice or anything like that, this is just my opinion from my own experience. I did not file a PO on my spath for these very reasons (and others). Boring him away would be really good. She needs to understand what that means: No response, no reaction, no emotion, botox face. no sudden movements, no exciting news, baggy clothing, no shiny jewelry. Gray rock, it bores them away, because they need constant stimulation, they are infants. they can’t stand boring. It’s their kryptonite.
Joanie:
It would be interesting to find out what happened to his first wife. Did she die, too? Like I had said before, no normal man would be pursuing someone like that just one month after his wife’s death. I will pray for your daughter.
Joanie,
Since this guy is OBVIOUSLY UNSTABLE, and has not had a long standing relationship with your daughter, he is essentially a “stranger stalker” who is most likely DELUSIONAL about their “relationship” I would recommend that your daughter get a restraining order against him, because otherwise the cops really won’t (can’t?) do much about him stalking her. It MAY make him angry that she is “rejecting” him officially, but it MAY also deter him, but in the meantime, she MUST protect herself by not being “alone” where he can attack or accost her.
I agree with Sky that she should not “react” to him if she does see him, no hysterics or whatever, and as much as possible pretend she doesn’t even see him or notice him or hear him if he speaks. Block all access by changing numbers, blocking e mail, etc.
I understand about her not wanting to finish up her nursing by changing schools, (I’m a retired nurse) but at the same time SAFETY is the most important thing….
As for you “keeping the secret” about this from your husband. I am sorry that you and he are not more able to communicate openly with him and come to a consensus on how to handle things in your family. I have found though that keeping “family secrets” from other members of the family may eventually cause more problems than it prevents.
In any case, I am glad you found Love Fraud. You and your daughter are in my prayers. (((hugs))))
My spath was always making me keep secrets and I was so naive when I was young I didn’t even realize I was playing his game.
To the Letterwriter – I had something similar with my spath. We had cable ad when I threw him out I rang them up saying he had moved out and I wanted to change the account into my name. They wouldn’t because they needed his permission to do that. I kept explaining the situation, that he no longer lived here & had moved away, but they wouldn’t change it. So in the end I left it & there is still a bill outstanding 8 years on. I used to get loads of letters from them addressed to him, so I just readdress them & sent them back. The problem is, now I can’t get cable with that supplier as there is a bill outstanding on the address.
I also found that he had stolen from me. I had left the house while he moved out, as directed by the solicitor’s letter, but several months later I realised he had stolen all my computer software which I used for my work!! Not good.
Skylar – mine also asked me to keep secrets and to this day I don’t know how true what he told me was. I’ve spoken to several people who know specifically about what he told me (law enforcement people) and they were watching him, but even they don’t know how involved he was. I was advised that if there was ever serious problems, that if I ever had to call the police regarding him, I needed to tell them that he was under observation by XXX (don’t want to say – still too scared)
It is amazing that spaths are so typical. I figured early that he was sick, but I didn’t now how sick. I had been a widow for 6 years after 25 years of marriage. I had other proposals, but no one tripped my trigger like the spath I said yes to. We married in December 2010. Two days later his raging began. I chalked it up to stress. He moved out in April and I filed for annulment. I just left him last month after he talked me into giving it another go. This one only lasted a month…until he gambled all his money away, and then told me I owed him two thousand dollars..I packed my bags, and went back to my home. Since then his estranged daughters have filled me in on the reality of this man. I married an image, and not the truth. It still hurts….I am so thankful for the advice on this site to not engage in his crazy emails, and texts.