Editor’s note: Even in old age, sociopaths do not give up their predatory game. I’ve heard several stories of sociopathic senior citizens, still looking for targets. Following is one of them, submitted by a reader who we’ll call “Edith.”
After 40-plus years of marriage my mother died, leaving my Dad, in his 60’s, bereft and vulnerable ”¦ Within a few weeks this loving man, known for his kindness, empathy and ethical character, told me about a woman in his widow/widower support group who was being very persistent in suggesting they go out for coffee or a walk and that he “wasn’t ready for that.” BUT HE FELT SO SORRY FOR HER because she couldn’t stop crying (pity play that seemed normal under the circumstances).
In a couple more weeks he quit talking and they were a couple ”¦ My brother and I were alarmed and begged him to slow down to no avail and they were married within the year ”¦ I know now she set him up and why he was targeted. Sociopaths know when they can likely manipulate a prospective partner with their mirroring and love bombing tactics ”¦
When I met her I was struck by her narcissism and flirtatious behavior, never warmed to her, but made accommodations and accepted her as the mate he had chosen ”¦
It wasn’t until some years later, when he became ill that I spent hours with her in waiting rooms and at doctors appointments, that her mask slipped and the nightmare of my life went from bad to worse ”¦ I’ve often read of a parent trying to protect a child from the manipulations of a S/P. I found myself at the other end of the spectrum an adult child trying to protect my aging, ill father from the malevolent and secretive maneuvers of his own wife ”¦
There has been some speculation about whether S/Ps slow down as they age—in my experience, she had fine tuned her skills over a lifetime and her ordinary physical appearance worked to her benefit. In her 70s she had not slowed down at all. She could out-act Meryl Streep and turn convincing crocodile tears on and off like a faucet and men in particular felt sorry for this petite elderly woman who I knew to be dangerous ”¦ She volunteered and attended church regularly (good cover) and the appearance of normalcy allowed her to achieve her real goals—complete power and control over my Dad and all his affairs, gradually replacing all his personal and professional contacts with those of her choosing (more men she could manipulate).
Most healthcare pros, social workers, etc., were clueless, but there were also some astute “angels” who had had psych training and saw through her Oscar worthy performances ”¦ When I tried to alert others, I was repeatedly patronized and told she loved him and would never hurt him when my brother and I knew the exact opposite was true—she had picked out her next victim and wanted Dad out of the way ”¦
When my father passed away, she already had the next guy lined up ”¦ He had lost his wife after a lengthy illness and she did exactly the same thing with him—convincing him they had so much in common as they were both widowed. I knew she was setting him up and he was a lifelong friend of my mother’s and her family ”¦ In typical S/P fashion, while she was telling one group of friends she’d “never been happier” a few weeks after my dad died, she was telling another group (her family) at precisely the same time, while sobbing, that she just couldn’t get over the loss, never dreaming the two groups would cross paths—and they didn’t—I just had spies in both camps and was tipped off ”¦ Of course after the smear campaign she’d done on me, I was powerless to intervene ”¦ She’d already convinced the new guy she was “such a wonderful woman.” He told me so when visiting my Dad and told one of my friends the same thing at my Dad’s funeral ”¦
She pulled plenty of financial shenanigans but was not completely successful in cutting my brother and me out of the will ”¦ To be honest the bigger issue to me is the emotional damage she left in her wake ”¦ Both my brother and I were left with the same symptoms I read about on LF ”¦ exhaustion, depression, rage and PTSD symptoms ….
I want to tell my story in the hope it can help someone else ”¦
Dear Edith,
Welcome to Love Fraud. You told your story, and your father’s story very well. All Widows and widowers are vulnerable, to these vultures and it is sooooo typical for them to move in, sometimes before the ill spouse is even dead.
I have seen the vultures show up at the home of the ill spouse with a caserole dish to comfort the grieving widower even shortly after the diagnosis is revealed to the neighbors and friends and the patient is still lin mobile consdition.
Thank you for sharing this story. Personally, I agree with you that this kind of psycholpath doesn’t mellow with age, they just get more “crafty” Welcome to LF.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/10/opinion/10blow.html?_r=1&th&emc=th
Dear Edith,
I’m sorry for your loss, and the terrible stress you and your brother experienced over the last few years of your father’s life. God bless you. I hope you have many good memories of your father to cherish.
I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia 10 months into my relationship with P. He brought so much stress into my life it was unbelievable. I figured him out in two years and it took me 11 months to get rid of him. Since he’s been gone I’ve slept peacefully and slowly lost most of the pain associated with FM. Last Saturday we had a property exchange at the local police department and my FM flared so terribly I can’t stand it. It will subside I know but all I could think is how did I live that way, everyday for all that time. He was so enraged that I was able to get my truck back from his parasitic hands that he scared the new victim straight out the door. That makes me so happy for her. She has no idea what her life would have been like the minute she married him. Like I did. She’s a very lucky girl and I hope she got a taste anyway so that she can avoid this type forever more. I know that I will. I can smell them before I see them and this will never happen to me again.
Edith, welcome. glad to know you.
Colorado,
I lived with fibromyalgia and CFS for 20 years. I think he was poisoning me. For a few years I sat in a shiatsu massage chair for so many hours that I actually rubbed my back raw. But the pain was so intense that I preferred the skin pain over the burning deep muscle pain.
Thank God you got rid of yours so quickly. They are deadly.
Colorado:
Good for you!
I’m glad you were able to make the connection and be able to go proactive to aid your heath!
Stress kills!
Sometimes we get so complaicent in our ‘stress’ that we don’t even recognize the signs….
I know I didn’t…..I had a Dr who is also a friend and each time I would see him….he would say erin….you need to reduce your stress….I asked him how can I tell if I am stressed….I DIDN”T EVEN KNOW!!!! It had become a ‘normal’ for me!
The minute I booted the s…..my shoulders lowered and a peace came about me…..
ONLY THEN….was it clear!
Continue to take care of yourself…..and I’m glad your here!
Welcome Colorado,
Glad you figured it out, many disorders and diseases are primarily brought on because our stress level craps out our bodies AND our minds, and like Erin says, it DOES begin to feel “normal” and it is only when it is lowered long enough for your body and mind to start recovery do you start to “catch on” and when you are stressed big time (like you were) and it goes SUDDENLY back UP we can sure tell immediately!
It takes quite a while for the body to recover from stress, especially prolonged and high at the same time. That’s why it is extremely important that we DESTRESS in every way possible….getting ALL the toxic people out of our lives is a GOOD START! Glad you are here, and again, welcome!
Erin Brockovich:
The one and only powerhouse I assume? I remember the movie. I see you hosting from time to time. Don’t you find it amazing that a person as strong as you seem was taken in by these shallow individuals? I feel so much better knowing you’re a high profile person who couldn’t tell at first either. That tells me that I’m just fine now. And I also think they prey on strong women who have a moment of vulnerability because we present more of a challenge to them. They don’t like to be bored. I have to say this though, he poisoned a great deal of women before me. He took and he left. I decided he wasn’t worthy of my things so in court I got them all back. And (te he) his wages are being garnished for a cool $800 each and every month for a very long time. Score for the good side. Thanks for your input Erin.
Respectfully,
C0l0rad0
Colorado:
NO,NO….stop…..stop…
I’m NOT the ‘real’ Erin B.
She is a woman I admire….as so many of us….she is a strong, diligent, patient woman and tenacious to no end…..she goes after something and get’s it!!!
Of which I relate to NOW! After the s…..
I will tell you…..anyone can be hooked by a S….no one is immune…AND even after we educate ourselves……We must ALWAYS remain diligent with our radars!!!!
I also was successful in my divorce….I LOVE TO HEAR THE STORIES of others getting justice! CONGRATULATIONS….I am proud to be in your company!!!!!
TE-HE away girl……you earned it!
XXOO
EB: Thanks for clarifying. But what an awesome namesake, huh? And congrats to you too for “winning” in your divorce. But let’s not forget that just by getting rid of them we’ve won. I am stronger, smarter and secure. The value of safety is underrated until you’re no longer safe. No longer secure. And you find that you can provide for yourself, everything you need. We are all winners without their poison in our lives anymore. Very nice talking to you. Peace.