Editor’s note: Even in old age, sociopaths do not give up their predatory game. I’ve heard several stories of sociopathic senior citizens, still looking for targets. Following is one of them, submitted by a reader who we’ll call “Edith.”
After 40-plus years of marriage my mother died, leaving my Dad, in his 60’s, bereft and vulnerable ”¦ Within a few weeks this loving man, known for his kindness, empathy and ethical character, told me about a woman in his widow/widower support group who was being very persistent in suggesting they go out for coffee or a walk and that he “wasn’t ready for that.” BUT HE FELT SO SORRY FOR HER because she couldn’t stop crying (pity play that seemed normal under the circumstances).
In a couple more weeks he quit talking and they were a couple ”¦ My brother and I were alarmed and begged him to slow down to no avail and they were married within the year ”¦ I know now she set him up and why he was targeted. Sociopaths know when they can likely manipulate a prospective partner with their mirroring and love bombing tactics ”¦
When I met her I was struck by her narcissism and flirtatious behavior, never warmed to her, but made accommodations and accepted her as the mate he had chosen ”¦
It wasn’t until some years later, when he became ill that I spent hours with her in waiting rooms and at doctors appointments, that her mask slipped and the nightmare of my life went from bad to worse ”¦ I’ve often read of a parent trying to protect a child from the manipulations of a S/P. I found myself at the other end of the spectrum an adult child trying to protect my aging, ill father from the malevolent and secretive maneuvers of his own wife ”¦
There has been some speculation about whether S/Ps slow down as they age—in my experience, she had fine tuned her skills over a lifetime and her ordinary physical appearance worked to her benefit. In her 70s she had not slowed down at all. She could out-act Meryl Streep and turn convincing crocodile tears on and off like a faucet and men in particular felt sorry for this petite elderly woman who I knew to be dangerous ”¦ She volunteered and attended church regularly (good cover) and the appearance of normalcy allowed her to achieve her real goals—complete power and control over my Dad and all his affairs, gradually replacing all his personal and professional contacts with those of her choosing (more men she could manipulate).
Most healthcare pros, social workers, etc., were clueless, but there were also some astute “angels” who had had psych training and saw through her Oscar worthy performances ”¦ When I tried to alert others, I was repeatedly patronized and told she loved him and would never hurt him when my brother and I knew the exact opposite was true—she had picked out her next victim and wanted Dad out of the way ”¦
When my father passed away, she already had the next guy lined up ”¦ He had lost his wife after a lengthy illness and she did exactly the same thing with him—convincing him they had so much in common as they were both widowed. I knew she was setting him up and he was a lifelong friend of my mother’s and her family ”¦ In typical S/P fashion, while she was telling one group of friends she’d “never been happier” a few weeks after my dad died, she was telling another group (her family) at precisely the same time, while sobbing, that she just couldn’t get over the loss, never dreaming the two groups would cross paths—and they didn’t—I just had spies in both camps and was tipped off ”¦ Of course after the smear campaign she’d done on me, I was powerless to intervene ”¦ She’d already convinced the new guy she was “such a wonderful woman.” He told me so when visiting my Dad and told one of my friends the same thing at my Dad’s funeral ”¦
She pulled plenty of financial shenanigans but was not completely successful in cutting my brother and me out of the will ”¦ To be honest the bigger issue to me is the emotional damage she left in her wake ”¦ Both my brother and I were left with the same symptoms I read about on LF ”¦ exhaustion, depression, rage and PTSD symptoms ….
I want to tell my story in the hope it can help someone else ”¦
No, Gem, what about the Narc?
OK peeps, this is the funny, naughty joke that god just remoned from my blog, Ill try one more time to tell it to you.Here goes.
Wonderwoman is cruising along in the air, and feeling hot, she decides to fly down to th top of a tall building with a flat roof, and sunbathe for a while. so, she takes off all her clothes,and stretches out on her back.
The invisible man flys past, and seeing wonderwoman stretched out beneath him, he swoops down, does the business, and is about to get up, when
Superman flys past, and seeing what he thinks is wonderwoman ,naked, beneath him he also swoops down, does the business, and flys off. The invisible man says,
“I dont know what the hell that was, but it sure hurt, a LOT!”
LOL! Love, gemXX
Dear Edith,
Thank you so much for sending in your story. A similar thing happened to my Dad, and through a rather bizarre turn, I was able to find out that she’d done it repeatedly as well. She and Dad shared a lawyer, and after he retired to another state, he phoned me with a warning of how destructive the woman had been in the past. He said she was clearly “moving in” on my Dad.
For many years I didn’t put it together that she was an n/p — I’m still admitting to myself how many of these individuals I’ve encountered. She took over my father’s life with startling rapidity (“love bombing”); in spite of his success with Alcoholics Anonymous and great personal growth in the program, he was vulnerable to loneliness after being married to Mom for 36 years until her death.
When he re-married, she literally systematically dissected his life: she tried to keep him from his friends, his hobbies, and break his ties to me and my brother, and she took over every asset of his finances (my brother and I did not receive the inheritance my Mom and Dad set aside for us). She gained power his power of attorney when he was most ill, and disregarded his wishes for treatment. She even countermanded his wishes that his casket be closed (in keeping with our religious beliefs) and that he have a military funeral.
It wasn’t until much later that I found out that her children had physically abused my Dad. The only hint he’d given was to ask for key to my apartment; he’d said he wanted it in case of emergency, that he was worried since I lived alone. I now suspect he came to my place for some peace. It grieves me that I didn’t know what was happening to him in his own home and couldn’t help him further.
I’m glad you posted your story, because like you, I think that education and awareness are the best prevention of becoming entangled with a skilled exploitative user. For most of my life, I thought of n/ps as diagnoses in a textbook; now I know that unchecked and unrecognized, they ruin lives.
Sincerely,
Betty
How did your Dad let a women beat up on him? Why did you let him be physically abused. YOU NEED TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF!
Oh wow! I just fell off my chair reading the exchanges above! I know its naughty but its so good to laugh at the little ‘cartoon baddies’. Thanks Easy, Kim, Sky and Ms.Brock!:)xxx
Betty and Edith, Thank you both for posting your stories, Its awful but as you may have read, sometimes there is not much (excruciatingly sadly) to be done about people who are still ‘in it’. Its NOT your fault. You do what you can. Education and awareness are good preventions, but they only work if the scales ‘fall off’, it is very difficult to make someone else ‘see’. Dont blame yourself.xxxx
Standing up for yourself means walking away from and having no interaction with these ‘things’, even through everything you have endured or watched a loved one endure, you are still the winner, by getting on with your life, healing, treasuring the memory of your loved ones, and protecting yourself.xxx
There was a poster on here a while back who was still in a relationship with a S/P, she clearly had an idea of what ‘it’ was, and even though she was getting help and encouragement here and even from his ex-wife, decided to give this ‘thing’ another go. Now I bet a lot of posters on here and the ex wife felt a bit like they were ‘letting the hand of someone hanging off a cliff slip’… but she was the one who let go. Let go due to the sheer weight of the S/P dangling onto her legs below, pulling her down.
As you may also have read here on LF there ARE success stories, where people have come here and as a result found the strength to get up and out.
I am SO sorry for what happend to both of your fathers, to everyone who gets dragged off a cliff by these parasites, but the blame lies with the sociopath fair and square.
MUCH love.xxxxxx
Thanks for the excellent blog. I do think this happens more than we realize. Sometimes it is the elderly person’s own daughter or son who is the villain, out to hasten their death to collect money, or taking stuff while they are out of it, etc. etc.
Thank you for sharing, hopefully it will help others who are wondering if this is happening to someone they know. That validation is important to being strong.
Kim Fredrick
I got a kick out of your post Monday, 12 October 2009 @....... 9:04pm
I am SO not a 12-stepper; many years ago I read a book by Jack Trimpey called “Rational Recovery” and I’ve since purchased and distributed many copies to AA’ers that do the program but HATE it. It works for some, I agree; but for many others, it’s merely a transference of prevelent “dependencies/addictions” – RR offers a sane, logical and rational way to deal with those addictive situations: I can see many ways that LF folks could benefit from the principles Jack talks about.
Just an option.
~j~
Your post was so humorous – I laughed all the way through it.
whoops – wasn’t clear on the “It works for some” – what I MEANT was that “AA” works for some people.
Dear Betty, I am so sorry your dad had to endure this, and it is so typical that, especially with abused men, that they seem to not be ble to share this, maybe out of pride, who knows….I have only known a few abused men and all of them were so ASHAMED of this, and felt so helpless.
Yep, these female VULTURES move in on a widower and latch on to him and won’t let go…”where there is a will, there’s a way to get in it” (((hugs))))