By | January 16, 2013 14 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Solutions to our pain

Editor’s note: The following article is by the Lovefraud reader NewLife43.

RE: The Love Fraud article Back in Control of the Panic Buttons by “Adelade,” posted January 13, 2013.

This article rang so true for me. In fact, this one triggered the most physical reaction that I’ve had in a long time. Not just crying, I was literally feeling panic and upset in my gut, my chest, my shoulders. I was such a mess I felt myself losing my grip on reality! So much of what she wrote about the money situations and the birthday/holiday things in her life rang like the loud bongs of church bells inside my head. The noise was deafening!

It brought back all those feelings of “being pushed and rushed into things” so that I wouldn’t have time to think. So that he could control me and get what he wanted without considering what it would do to me. Without considering how badly his choices were affecting me physically, emotionally and financially. He never did.

Trouble is, neither did I! Someone on here posted once, “I was in WTF mode all the time!” Truer words were never spoken.

But, when I was going into full-fledged panic mode while reading her article, I just started tapping (using EFT and TAT) and I kept using the techniques until it stopped. That took all of five minutes. Then, I was calm again and resting in the knowledge that all the triggers she described were neutralized…NEVER to bother me again.

How to face the pain

This is not to say that I won’t read another article written by someone else and have it happen again, about another subject that describes what he did to me. And I may go into that spiral of fear and panic again, because the devastation he caused in my life is like the layers of an onion, and forcing myself to read LoveFraud is peeling them away one by one.

Sounds almost masochistic when I describe it that way, but I have two tools that I can use to effectively and permanently deal with the trauma I’ve suffered. And I use LoveFraud to uncover those traumas, one by one, article by article. In fact, I HOPE I get triggered like that again, because it obliges me to face those terrible feelings inside of me that I may be unaware of or can’t put a name to and change them into nothingness.

That’s right, I said nothingness. The sky is blue, the grass is green, oh yeah, the spath did that, no big deal. It is what it is, moving on now. Who cares. My mind is clear and I can deal with the problems I am facing so much better. Whew!! I am light years ahead of where I was six months ago when I first initiated No Contact with the Spath. (Ahh, impatience is my middle name).

So, this is what the scope of this article is about. It is killing me to read about the grief and devastation that others are going through, especially the ones who are still suffering so much even YEARS later. I want to reach through the computer to them and hug them and tell them I understand EXACTLY what you are going through and that I care. I truly care about them and the problems they are facing as a result of their relationshits with their sociopaths. That I pray that God will send the help they need to resolve their problems in the best way possible, both for them and their loved ones (especially their children). If only I could give them more practical and immediate help and I’m trying to do that by writing this article.

EFT and TAT work

“Who cares”…is that even possible? And in our lifetimes? Yes, because EFT and TAT work. Simple as that. The benefits: anyone can do it, takes about three minutes to learn how, it’s free to learn, you can find it all over YouTube and other websites on the internet, more and more counselors are using the techniques. Once an issue is gone, it’s gone and won’t bother you again, you can be alone in the middle of the night and use it effectively, etc. Many issues are complex, however, much like a forest of a hundred trees and each individual “tree” has to be dealt with, that’s why I like LoveFraud so much, to bring up these various issues. The best part is, it works EVEN if you don’t believe it will! And tapping while reading a LoveFraud article is just what the doctor ordered for me. Who else but the posters on this website understand what we are going through ”¦ not family, not really our friends, not even some counselors.

We may not be able to stop the spaths, any more than we can stop a tsunami, but we can effectively render them powerless against us, when they are still living inside of our heads and sometimes, while they are still living in our homes and we need the clarity to escape from them. And almost all the posters on this site have gone through some form of trauma that I also experienced and explain it so well ”¦ so I use the information to track what happened to me and face it. It would be too frightening to me without having some way to deal with it. I’m not afraid anymore to look at the pain. He was the Kryptonite to my Superwoman… EFT and TAT are my lead shields.

Please. Please. Please. Look into these techniques. If I can help even just one person who is suffering like I suffered (for instance, from PTSD or flashbacks), then I will have accomplished my goal of helping another. I care about each and every one of you. God bless you all. And thank you, Donna, for all that you do for us. You save our lives. Every. Single. Day.

Here’s more information:

Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)

EFT Tapping points

Tapas Accupressure Technique (TAT)

Note from Donna Andersen: I use a variation of EFT and it works.

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NewLife43, I’m so sorry that you were so horribly triggered. Little things, big things, and even seemingly benign things can do that to me, as well.

Whatever works for anyone to control that anxiety is a BONUS. No matter what it is, if it works, it’s a positive technique.

I hope that all is well with you, today – it sounds as if you’ve really got an understanding of your own triggers, and it’s very encouraging to read this.

Brightest blessings



Thanks for your article – it’s helpful. When I have the time, I will look into your tecnniques. I know all about anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive thinking, etc. – different things being able to trigger reactions. It’s not fun, that’s for sure. Like you, I care about the other posters, hoping that everyone (in time) can overcome, transcend beyond their own situations. Peace.

Ox Drover

The “spin cycle” of keeping you upset all the time so that you can’t think straight is a GREAT technique used by the psychopaths to accomplish their goals.

If you are upset, in a panic, spinning emotionally like a roast over a hot fire, it is difficult for you to make logical and good decisions.

Every one of my P-relationships has used this technique because it works.

Whatever will help you get OUT OF THAT SPIN CYCLE and SLOW DOWN is a good thing.

Ox Drover

After a brief bought of pneumonia, famed motivational speaker and prolific author Zig Ziglar died Wednesday in Dallas at the age of 86. A fount of kitschy, home-spun knowledge, Ziglar was known for his large, arena-packing, revival-esque seminars. Saying success hinges upon attitude and motivation, not smarts and brown nosing, Ziglar cultivated a devoted following over his decades long career.

Assembled below are some of Ziglar’s most memorable and thought provoking quotes and truisms. Share your favorite Ziglar moments in the comments.

Ziglar’s Top 21 Quotes:

1. “Remember that failure is an event, not a person.”

2. “You will get all you want in life, if you help enough other people get what they want.”

3. “There has never been a statue erected to honor a critic.”

4. “Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street”

5. “People often say motivation doesn’t last. Neither does bathing—that’s why we recommend it daily.”

6. “Expect the best. Prepare for the worst. Capitalize on what comes.”

7. “If you go looking for a friend, you’re going to find they’re scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you’ll find them everywhere.”

8. “A goal properly set is halfway reached.”

9. “Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude.”

10. “If you can dream it, you can achieve it.”

11. “People don’t buy for logical reasons. They buy for emotional reasons.”

12. “Success is the maximum utilization of the ability that you have.”

13. “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.”

14. “Have you ever noticed that people who are the problem never realize it? They’re in denial. They think denial is a river in Egypt!”

15. “It’s not what happens to you that determines how far you will go in life; it is how you handle what happens to you.”

16. “The chief cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what you want most for what you want right now”

17. “Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat and taking the tartar sauce with you.”

18. “It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.”

19. “If you want to reach a goal, you must ‘see the reaching’ in your own mind before you actually arrive at your goal.”

20. “Lack of direction, not lack of time, is the problem. We all have twenty-four hour days.”

21. “There are no traffic jams on the extra mile.”

I thought you guys might like to read some of these GREAT one liners. He was my hero and the hero of a lot of folks. We need to take each one of these to heart! Thhey fit perfectly for our recovery from U-NO-WHOs



I went to a Zig Ziglar seminar in the early ’90’s. He signed a program for me and wrote a message…it said:

“Goes as far as you can see, and when you get there, you will be able to see further.”

I still remind myself of that, even to this day. And I still have the program. RIP Zig Ziglar.


Ox drover-
Ah, yes, the ‘spin cycle.’
I was on that ride for many months. Most times I had NO CLUE what to expect. My hope was to get a hug and then…never knew what to expect.

Now, over time I seem less tolerant of ‘spinning.’ When I have been on a carnival ride or a tire swing, the spinning movement made me dizzy. With age, it seems that it takes longer to recover from the dizziness. Being out of balance and nauseous and disoriented is kinda like some of what I am feeling from the spath gf.

I avoid tire swings and carnival rides now, BTW.



Thank you for your kind words. All is well with me today, tomorrow…I don’t know. But I have two tools that I will use to deal with anything that comes up, so that I can think clearly and face my challenges.

You said: “it sounds as if you’ve really got an understanding of your own triggers”

I don’t. I never know what will trigger me, although they are becoming less and less an issue the more I use these tapping techniques. And I am at an age that I can’t waste anymore time rebuilding my life. So I am very impatient to be done with them. I’m not kidding when I say that once an issue is gone, it’s gone and doesn’t come back. In fact, one day I tried to MAKE myself feel that way again and I couldn’t! (How weird is that? Guess I missed the adrenalin rush or something?)

I hope that people look into these two techniques. It’s all I have to offer others who are dealing with the same things I am…all over the world. That and my prayers, which are unceasing.

Love you all.

Ox Drover

Dear Fixer, yes, for a while (maybe forever) we tend to be more prone to that SPINNING —when you have been ill, it doesn’t take as much to make you ill again as it did when you were perfectly healthy.

STRESS does that to us, it sets our body up for invasions of microbes, and for accidents etc. google HOLMES AND RAHE STRESS SCALE

Don’t recall if I told you about this inventory, but it will give you an idea of what your “stress level” is…and it takes YEARS to over come it, it is cumulative. So it is important to DE-stress as much as we can. I PREACH THIS GOSPEL to everyone, and I KNOW IT WELL, and still I fall off the wagon myself and get STRESSED AGAIN, but I just have to keep on getting back up and taking care of myself and de-stressing my life, and quit focusing on the things I cannot do, and focus on what is REALLY important in life.

This is a JOURNEY not a destination, and it is called life. The psychopathic experience is only one aspect of it, and we cannot we MUST NOT let it kill us.

Ox Drover

Newlife, the prayers are as important or more important than anything else. God bless.


Ox Drover-
Yes. I found the stress scale.

Thank You! I had quite afew ‘checks’ on it! I suppose those are the things that made me more vulnerable to the spathic gf – and probably things that she picked up on AND exploited. When I include consideration of what the spath ‘contributed’ – the score is over 300.

I am having to ‘coast’ at times on savings and receivables from past jobs. It is just very hard some days to get out there.

NewLife43: Back at ya!

Ox Drover

Dear Fiixer, yep, I know it IS DIFFICULT SOME DAYS to get out there. Many of us suffer financial difficulties because of the psychopaths, some more than others, but we just have to do the best we can to keep down MORE STRESS by continual rumination over things we can NOT do and focus on the things we CAN do.

CHANGE of any kind is stressful, even “good” change, and so we must try to keep change to a minimum IF POSSIBLE. Sometimes it is not possible to do.

I scored over 1500 in one short period of time. I changed jobs 3 times in a 6 month period of time, losing a job I LOVED and grieved over big time, then my beloved step dad had a terminal cancer diagnosis, and every complication known to medical science, then egg donor had surgery and multiple complications, I literally had to move in with them and run a “clinic” in the living room, plus work my 2 day a week job, so it was CONTINUAL CRISIS one thing after another, ten my husband burned to death, and my son was horriibly burned, then my son’s fiiance turned out to be a psychopath herself, then my son Patrick sent his friend to rent a house from me and infiltrate the family not long after my step father died, my business interests were falling apart because I was taking care of egg donor’s business and health, then had to FLEE my home leaving my egg donor to the mercy of the trojan horse ex convict, and My phone account and credit cards were in his control, which he kept messing with, and son C and DIL were in on it as well…and our minister at the local church turned his back on me (turned out later HE was a pedophile too!)

So add up all the points (and you can give yourself points that are not listed there too, you are not in some sort of research thing that requires total uniformity, if it was stressful to YOU add in points ) so you can see how STRESS can make you sick….oh, and while I was in hiding I got Rocky Mountain Spotted fever and damn near died from that.

So add up the things that were STRESSFUL TO YOU, assign them points and get a better view of how stressed you are. Then you have to figure out a way to de-stress your life. To put things that are NOT REALLY IMPORTANT on HOLD for a while.

By the time I moved back here too the farm, after the arrest of my DIL and the Trojan Horse P for trying to kill my son C, I was so stressed and CRAZY I literally couldn’t move back into my house, but didn’t feel safe doing so and lived in my RV which was parked by my house….and in addition to that, I made some JUDGMENTS that were poor concerning some other folks that I thought were “friends” and that ADDED to my stress as I realized that these people were USING ME, STEALING FROM ME, etc. and I had to cut them out of my life. People I loved as much as FAMILY, that my son and I had THOUGHT of as FAMILY for decades. More losses, more stress.

I moved back here in the late fall of 2007, and had found LF that summer, and it has been a progression of healing since then, but some ups and downs, mostly concerning my son Patrick and the fact that my egg donor continues to support him.

My son D and I made the decision that we are NOT going to run any more, but to stay here, come what may. That decision was stressful in itself, and we are making some heavy duty precautions to make our home SAFE from attack by known or unknown attackers. I have a professionally trained protection dog, that I laughingly refer to as the Werewolf, she has finally melded into our family and accepted my son D and I as the leaders of the pack. Having a new family member that is sort of like an ADHD 2 year old on CRACK is itself a stress but at the same time, I do feel better lying down at night knowing that anyone except my son D that came through my bedroom door would meet with LOTS OF BIG WHITE TEETH sinking into their body. (she loves to bite) But at the same time, she is like a loaded gun, so we can’t allow her to be in a situation she might accidently go off and hurt someone we don’t want hurt. So when folks are visiting she goes iin her kennel.

And being a “teenager” (she’s only 15 months old) she tests us from time to time to see if she can get away with something she knows she shouldn’t, so we have to maintain our alpha status. Fortunately my son D and I are both experienced dog trainers though we have never trained a dog for protection…we do know about pack status and how to maintain it. She really is a loving dog, but I have seen her put a 200 pound man on his back (in a bite protection suit) and she cannot be kicked or beaten enough to let go once she has sunk her teeth in. She is a scrapper and I’m glad I have her. When the time comes she must go to that great dog house in the sky, I will replace her with another one just as fierce.


Hi Im new to the site, have been reading for a while for general info over the last 2 years during this struggle to protect my daughter from the evil being that is her father.

He has put me through hell and back, he has a history of reported accusations very similar to mine, but these did not result in conviction – he is a man who cannot be nailed and he has got away with it again – in court he lied throughout without anyone noticing, distracted, contradicted in his own statements, even became rude agressive and still the judge deemed him as emotive about being separated from his child, likabe, intelligent.

So after dedicating my life to this court case for my daughters sake he twisted everything in the end and he was found officially to be the victim and me apparantly obsessed, confused and seeing things that werent there (i have NO mental health conditions).

I would really appreciate some more specific advice but i am not sure how much i can say on here / where i can post etc / worry he might come across this.

I really want to tell my story and get some advice on what to do now because i have run out of legal options, i have just read about cappucino queen and my heart goes out to her, it is devastating when no one will listen or believe, but what are we to do when we are legally forced to send our children to their abuser and have to sit back and watch our little ones walk into a trap that will entangle them, twist their mind, and destroy their soul and innocence or worse.

Ox Drover

Dear Won, Put your story where ever you wish, here is fine.

Welcome to Love Fraud and sorry that you have earned membership in our club with your pain and frustration at the family court system and the P’s lies.

There are people here in your shoes too, and maybe some of them can chime with advice. Good luck and God bless. Again, welcome to our community.


TheHoodwinkerWon, I am so sorry to read of your experience in Family Court and I’m glad that you have decided to post on LoveFraud. OxD’s right that you can safely post your experiences on this site – just be sure to not use the spath’s name, your name, etc.

“Family Court” is the playground of spaths, Thehoodwinker, and there’s no other way to put it. I went through the same thing and I was painted by the court-appointed psychiatrist as a self-absorbed nutcase whose ex-husband “vehemently denied abusing his former wife.” As if the man would have responded, “Sure, I beat my wife, threatened her with murder/suicide, raped her and dared her to call the police, and made her wish to die. Sure, I did that.”

Courts are NOT about “fair” or “reasonable.” Courts are all about clearing the docket for the next case to be “heard.” Judges, attorneys, and social workers are NOT acting in the best interests of children, or the adult victims of sociopaths – the simply aren’t. And, this is a very ugly, cold, hard fact to accept and process.

Whenever a parent is concerned about their former spouse’s contact with children that they share in common, the Court is of the very mistaken belief that a child needs BOTH parents in order to develop into healthy, successful adults, and this is simply not true. But, the Courts believe it to be true and make their decisions based upon this lie.

So, post your experiences, keep reading, and the first step into strong recovery is to “Grey Rock” the father of your children and accept that you do not have control over whether the Court has made a “good” decision, or not.

Then, I would strongly encourage you to get involved in some good, strong individual counseling to help you process your experiences and learn to manage what lies ahead.

THe further you move away from the spath experiences and the courtroom drama/trauma, the better you will feel, in due time. This takes time, so be kind to yourself. After a while, you’ll change your LoveFraud ID to “I_WON” and your recovery will be all about you and he’ll just fade into the distance.

Brightest blessings to you

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