By | July 28, 2010 95 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Staying safe on Facebook

Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following article from the reader in Australia who posts as “Dani S.”

I recently had the unfortunate experience of coming across another personality disorder, this time on Facebook. I love Facebook, as growing up in a small country town and moving to the city, Facebook has been a great place for me to reconnect with old school friends and to chat with them online.

I have always been very careful never to add friend request unless I know the person personally, so I thought that I was safe! Wrong!

I joined a group called “Dead Beat Dads.” The group had over 300 members, ranging from mothers, stepfathers and children of fathers that have experienced or are experiencing the frustration of fathers abandoning their financial and emotional responsibility to their children.


I initially enjoyed the connection and the chats between members, but it was not long before a guy came into the group who antagonised the members. If a member posted something, he would pounce back. “Well you shouldn’t have deliberately got yourself pregnant. It is your fault and to then ask for him to pay is disgusting.” Frequently he told members they were liars.

He put up post after post, sometimes 20 a day. He loved posting statistics of suicide rates of children who live without a father and made the comment frequently that “False claims of abuse is abuse,”

He completely dominated any comment made by any members, and members found his tone and comments very offensive. He claimed that he had no children and lived with his wife of 10 years who had kids to another man. He said he was happy his wife never asked for money from her ex, and said that the ex saw the kids all the time.


I watch his posts for a while and noticed that his story varied, if not changed completely. He said to members that we needed to show him DNA proof before we could call anyone a Dead Beat!

He seemed to spend 24 hours a day watching and posting on this group, and it didn’t take me too long to realise this person had some real issues. When he made a comment, his “men’s group” would quickly jump to his defence.

I did a bit of research on the members of his men’s group and realised that all eight of their Facebook profiles had no information, two had the same picture as one another, and six of them had no friends at all.

I suggested to him that I believed his “men’s group” was a group of made up people with only him as the member. I said, “It is funny, when you post something, minutes later all these men fly to your defence and six of them have not obtained one friend but go straight to the Dead Beat Dads site.”


He was furious with my comments, called me a liar and said I should learn to close my legs and I should be responsible for my child on my own, or I should let the father see the child. I told him my child’s father abandoned her and stated he never wanted to see her again. The guy said, “Well if you weren’t such a C#*T, he would have wanted to see the child.”

Then it all started! Some of friends off my Facebook friends list got emails from him saying I was a prostitute and fathers have rights and I should go to jail. He emailed my partner six times from four of his aliases, saying I am a prostitute, he had me last night when I was working down the road, and she said she is leaving you for me because you have a small penis. Another said, “I bet you can taste me in her!” I One that made us laugh said, “She is leaving you for me and taking your Camero and Trans Am.” Being Australian, we don’t even have those cars here. The worst was he emailed my daughter and said your mum is a whore and you need to go to the police to inform them.

I now know that I was not protecting myself well enough on Facebook, as everyone on the outside world could see who I was in a relationship with, and the link to my children. I also had my place of work on there, and when I looked at his profile, he had my place of work listed in his likes and interests.

Even though this person claimed to be in Canada and I am in Australia, I was a little unnerved about the situation. But I was angry that, because he didn’t like my comment, he decided that to silence me, he would, stalk, harass and slander me. He also said on the group that he would copy my picture and start a profile of me and write stupid comments on the group. I said, “Well that will look funny, me arguing with myself, and you have just written what you are going to do.”


I got back onto the Dead Beat Dads site and posted to the guy, “Why do you have my place of work listed on your profile? And why have you stalked me, emailed my friends and family? I believe you have a personality disorder.”

He said I was lying and another member said to the guy, “I have just looked at your profile and her place of work is there, so it is obvious there is only one liar amongst us.”

After that post, four women from the site emailed me, saying the same thing had happened to them. The group’s admin contacted me also. I decided to not fear this person, and to backspath him, as EB would say.

I posted next, “It does not take a psychology degree to realise this guy has a serious personality disorder. His obsession with this site is beyond normal, and stalking members is just plain psychopathic! I believe you have lost your children due to abuse, as you keep quoting, ”˜False claims of abuse is abuse.’

“You get angry at women that move interstate, and you claim to know family and criminal law. I believe what you know about family law is what you have learnt trying to see your kids. If you had studied law for 15 years as you claim, you would have a career in law, not as a self-employed MC. You talk to us women on here like you are talking to your ex, and I believe you stalk members because in your mind, you are stalking your ex, as you have lost control of your children and your ex, and they probably have to move interstate all the time to be safe from you! You say you know about criminal law and stalking laws. Is that because you have been in so much trouble for your behaviour?

Another member jumped in, saying she believed he was an absolute Spath when he said that (we) need to show (you) DNA testing and that is very egocentric and grandiose! The group member thanked me for standing up for myself and the other members as he had been a disturbing menace for a couple of months.

Lock down

Then the next day when I went on to look at the group it was gone! He said it was his and his men’s group job to shut down every Dead Beat Dads group on the Internet.

Strangely now, I saw him, I heard him and I knew him. I knew the language, I knew the threats and I knew the bullying! I saw the red flag almost immediately. But this time I didn’t cower. I may have been wrong making such a big statement to him, but I will never be controlled by anyone ever again, or have anyone try to put fear into me again. I just hope I have heard the last of him.

I have now locked down my Facebook profile so no information is visible for the world to see. I also now will not up my photo on my profile, as he made me realise how easy it is to steal identities. I maybe still a little naïve, but I am getting there!

The group leader’s Facebook profile is no longer available and the group is gone. I just pray she didn’t also fall victim to this harassment and cyberbullying as well. He laughed that he was untouchable.

Dani S

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Dani S, this is an awesome and MUCH needed article!!!!

The internet has opened up global doors for genuine people, as well as frauds. I’ve posted my experiences as a former AOL Chat Host which ended with a woman’s murder.

It is so vital that online life be strictly monitored with appropriate boundaries. Keeping one’s social network profile PRIVATE for friends, only, is priority. Profile photographs should be ambiguous – something that interests us, NOT a personal headshot. Accepting “mutual” friends as such can also be very dangerous – many people still accept anyone, and everyone, as social network “friends” because they believe that the more “friends” that they have, the more popular they are.

Starting a discussion board or group on a social networking site can be rewarding, but individuals have to set their personal boundaries, themselves.

“Harassment by Technology” is a law in the State of Pennsylvania, and it varies from State to State, and country to country. This includes stalking, threats, harassment, slander, and communication by 3rd parties. Know your Country’s laws, know your State’s laws, and the instant someone begins a campaign of harassment, contact your law enforcement officials, immediately. Keep records of all communications via text messaging, emails, forum boards, websites, etc., and provide copies of the documentation.

Thank you, so much, Dani S for posting this very, very important experience.

Brightest blessings!!!!


Thank you for posting this! I have had the experience of dealing with my ex on Facebook. I put a block on him and he can’t see my profile at all. I also blocked those who are close friends of his that I know of as he can always get in through another account. My information on FB is seen by friends only. I don’t allow anything to be shown information wise, except that which FB insists on posting. I’ve covered this 6 ways to Sunday. My family members and some of my friends have blocked him as well. What happens when you do that is that it’s as though you don’t exist on FB. I REFUSE to leave FB because my kids and I keep in touch on there and through FB, I too have found many old friends.
I have considered removing my profile, briefly, but that’s exactly what he would like to see. My question is, can you change your name to a pseudonym once your account is set up? I know that some on here have accounts using another name.

Buttons, In my state, they now have a law similar to yours in PA. It’s considered “Cyber Stalking” here and it’s a new law that has just been passed.

Hugs to all!


Dani S

Thanks for courage, stealth and fearlessness in the face of h a scary threatening force….you stood firm in the face of evil and won through….inspirational as ever ….I was wondering where you were!! you are right here..right now..blessings and lovex

Frank Lee Speaking

Yes Facebook is a mental hospital. Personally I find it terribly superficial and it seems to encourage people to put their personal information out there. I am amazed how many morans do this. It is like a sociopath’s candy shop.

That guy you mentioned he is one of the millions of fearl headbangers running loose on Facebook.


yes, we just just outed a con, playboy type on there today. It can be a haven for ‘crazies’….

Just watch what they say and anyone that becomes defensive and hateful.. is feeling threatened.. so red flag….

also yesterday.. there was some man telling people that he needed money because his daughter had been shot in Africa..



Cat, yes you can change your name on there. Just go to your profile and click on the “Edit” feature. You can put a different profile photo and name on there, and the only ones who will know will be those friends that view your timeline… I just had a “Friend” do that today, and I couldn’t figure out who they were!


Cat – when i wanted to go underground – i let all my friends on fb know that i was deleting my profile and that if they wanted t stay in touch they should get in touch with me within two days. I then created a new email account that i use only for facebook, a pseudonym and a fake pic. Now i hang out in COMPLETE anonymity and feel safe.


Hens ”“you isolate yourself on lf too; rarely saying more than a few lines about yourself and your feelings”and last night you called your very real and oft hidden feelings a ’pity party’. I don’t know what it feels like over there, but it sure doesn’t read like that over here. It reads as emotional pain that needs some space and a witness. You are a kind scared soul. This is a relatively safe place to bring your spath fears. Airing fears can ’normalize’ them”and they lose their potency.

Homophobia. Well fuck, it’s not easy. I used to be very dykey. Not now. I tend to get to know people a fair bit before outing myself ”“ never did out myself at my last job ”“ to anyone. That’s pretty weird for me. Just outed myself to a community garden member Monday night. She had shared something about depression a while ago ”“ took a risk with me. I checked her out further and felt safe saying something, and STILL there was stiffness in our conversation. Her problem, not mine. But it’s not going to cause me any trouble to be out there. Just a bunch of silly neo liberal fawning to deal with. Like a rash, but nothing more. I need some queer friends. Just lost the last one, my best friend. Spath collateral. And the very queer pos friend. She and I are both pretty kinky, so we shared that.

Was thinking about this coming weekend. A long weekend here. Rented a car for 2 days. 🙂 taking off to the country. I was walking up from the water tonight, and all of a sudden I thought about how close the spath lives—————..well, that was good for a 10 minute fantasy. There are always a couple of BIG guys in that fantasy. They provide em, ’containment’.

And that little rant was because I’ve lost 2 friends I wouldn’t have lost if not for the damn spath. Once I am a bit more on my feet, I am going to get involved in some queer group here ”“ maybe the film fest”dunno. Something. I can be the old woman at ’50′. Snort! But you know what I mean. There isn’t even a gay bar here to shun. 😉

I will work it out hens BECAUSE I HAVE TO. I can’t keep living like this. Even before the spath ”“ I knew I had to do something.

Your isolation is too tight now. What once saved and provided, now chokes off. It needs to change. There must be some two spirited groups down there.

one step
ps – can you get any schooling because of your status?


My Indian status? Not sure about that one Onestep.. I have often thought if I get to where I can’t do the landscaping thing I will start driving a truck, a big rig, but of course I need my eyes fixed first for that, and I am such a homebody and with the weiners that prolly would be a bad choice.. I am no flaming queen, I dont think I am obviously gay.. Funny tho I told the gal that has cut my hair for years not long ago and she changed instantly, she said she would have never guessed..My sexuallity does not define me.. It’s my [email protected]#ked up childhood that has been my greatest challenge to overcome.. All in all I can count my many blessings and am thankful for loving people in my life..The spath thing really set me on a course of change deep with in myself, guess that needed to happen.. Onestep you werent here when I first started blogging, there was not much I did not say that was acceptable for a blogsite..I have backed off cause most have heard it all before..but occasionally I just have to send out my feeings and I did release some pent up ‘stuff’ and feel lighter because of it..I do need to get involved in some sort of comunity thing, not necessarily gay are right about what you have said Onestep – somethings got to give and soon.


yes, your indian status….could you do interior design?

truck driving is really hard on the back…although the wieners could travel with you.

ya know, doesn’t matter who has heard it hens, but that you hear it when you need to.

xx one step

Dani S

Hi Bullet & Buttons missed you all. I have been bit spathout lately and don’t know if I was more annoyed about the moron or that I missed some really good article’s on LF!

I forgot to also mention that he was going to contact Children’s Welfare Dept in Australia to get my children taken off me as he said” Being on the Internet you are neglecting your children and neglect is abuse”! I said ” well if every parent had there children removed because they used the internet, not too many children would be with there parents”!

I am still shocked but can you imagine what that guy is like in the real world? Glad I only came across him on the internet. Scary Scary guy!

All the women he had harassed were too scared to post comments after his little game but I said blow you, a spath hates to be outed so I gave it back to him.

Cat- I changed my name on FB but I confused all my friends. You can normally change your name without a problem unless you choose a creative name and the system will then take time to approve the name change. I have changed it back to my real name as I am sure he is onto some else by now. I looked again at his profile and he has joined another DBD site! God help them!

I reported him over and over and I know a lot of other people did, so I don’t think the Facebook Administrators are too bothered about it all, which is a worry. But at the end of the day the guy can just keep coming up with new profile’s if he get suspended.

I couldn’t believe the time he takes out of his life to menace people and what really made me angry was the Dead Beat Dad’s group are set up for victims and I am sure the majority of them are actually victims of spath’s and are venerable. He carelessly took advantage of these people with his cruelty.

Well I have learnt a valuable lesson and the only group I will stay in on Face Book is the one I feel the safest in, Love Fraud!
<3 2 all!


Hi just catching up on LF to see how everyone has been getting on. I’ve been on my hols and am having a great time day to day sightseeing and all that jazz.

However – the other side of staying safe on FB and other social networking sites is finding the strength not to look up information on the N S or P after the relationship has gone NC.

This is the last thing I struggle with. It’s sooo easy to look up ones exes and their new partners these days.

ExN leaves most of his information public – as FB is essential to his ‘prince of lies PR campaign’ and he hooks many targets this way.

My profile is set to private, any anyway I never post much information on FB as I’m not into creating a ‘fake profile’. Anyone who needs to know what I’m about can find out from me in ‘real life’.

Previously I’ve been advised to ‘block him’ – which I know would work, but still can’t bring myself to do it as it makes me feel safer to be able to keep a weather eye on my exN from time to time. Make sure he’s not moved near to me and that kind of stuff (he was talking about moving to my area a while back – creep).

I never stay on his FB for longer than 2/3 minutes – but even that little trip to N land always makes me feel a bit wierd and like I’m the weak one. It’s the feeling of ‘hypervigilence’ that I dislike – I need to be sure that he’s not co-opting any of my friends or having access to me at all that way.

ExN has learned to fear and hate me – ‘cos I took his ass to the mat legally (he got convicted for fraud) and because he blames me for his last target leaving him (which I was instrumental in as I ‘outed him’ to her’).

Any thoughts for dealing with the hypervigilence that comes in the aftermath of an S N or P?

Actually – gosh darn it. After reading this post back to myself i’ve decided I’m going to straight to FB and block that a**clown! 1 minutes worry – a lifetime of emotional freedom………………..xx


DID IT – OMG that felt good!!!!!!! I’m now off to have a bath with scented candles, & a session of ‘psychic cord cutting’. I have to reward myself with some strawberries and cream later too!

LOL – Blessings to everyone here! Speak again in a little while.

Delta1 x

Delta,-How about some Psychic dick-cutting? {Naughty!}.
You know, one inch at a time,– —— — — —!!!
Or Psychic ball- cutting?
We could use them as earrings!
MUCH more enjoyable than psychic cord cutting, I say!!
{Feeling wicked tonight!}

Dani S

LOL Delta Good for you!
Yes it was my fault the ex has now gone bankrupt! They always have to have someone to blame. The ex S was so hell bent on me not getting a cent when I left, he went broke in the process, mind you I was the only one that came into the relationship with money & possessions and I left in debt . He managed to save a few possessions by putting them in other people’s names, good for him hope his big truck& boat keeps him warm at night!
I don’t know how far in time you are removed from your N but I only really started feeling myself after about 2 years removed.
I looked all the time too but I ended up getting bored and I don’t know what happened just one day I realised I had not checked for weeks 🙂

Dani S

Or you could just run with Gems advice…oucchhhhh!!!! LOL


Gems & Dani S

Tee Hee – your comments made me ‘av a little giggle’ – I keep trying to be all ‘spiritual’ and somewhat serious about my journey, but Gems comments made me snort into my strawberries & cream and reminded me of the ‘pure power of cheek’ if you can laugh at the devil he does tend to shrivel up pretty quick. !

Fanx all!

Dani S

Optimism and a sense of humour will take you far! I’m off the strawberries & cream, being an emotional eater I think I have put on 8 pounds in the past 3 weeks!Dam it LOL 😉


Gem!!!!! you used to be such a nice lady!! lol
I would add a spot of psychic beheading followed by a cup of tea and a marshmallow….I could use it as a football!!

..I am just about to cord cut too!!1 it’s so great to hear someone is doing it too!! I am using the Rose Rosetree angle…have read that great book of hers that shows you everything you need to know to do it properly..(big book- operates on all levels as you go through it, like an activation process, not linear) and I have to get through another 4 steps out of 12…then I will have the method mastered!!!it is soooo interesting, cannot wait to start…have been studying this book for about a month now….takes ages to click into place…it shows you how to bypass the unconscious mind and go to source…(Etheric realm)

I know it’s very new age and not for everyone…but We have weddings, funerals,baptisms etc and I need a ritual to cut that psychic toxic attachment once and for all time…….it does not remove spiritual connection….it removes the 24/7 negativity that has attached to the aura and will be there until you decide to cut it off!!! cord cutting is a form of energy spirituality

Hi Dani S -glad you are around, it’s good that you were not bullied into submission by that total CREEP, and I think you are right to leave your name as is…he will have moved on..they can’t attach to someone who is mentally stronger and I guess that is the gift we get at the end of all this…the ability to stare down a spath and send the message….you will not be messing with me mate…he certainly tried hard…he will cause terrible fear for someone not as knowledgable..I hope he is stopped…there are more and more sites about cyberbullies and ‘cyberpaths’ so the word is getting around..


Silly Season cont….

OMG – I was just idling away some time. I did a ‘one card’ tarot reading for myself ‘in real life:. it came up: “Queen of Wands” card.

Then I did an ‘on-line tarot reading on FB’. Spoooooookyily also came up “Queen of Wands”. I am so not kidding. This is a strange co-incidence. And no I’m not pushing Tarot reading/Psychic stuff. I actually tend to do Tarot readings as a ‘party trick’ to show how easy ‘cold-reading’ is and put people off putting too much credence in other peoples ‘psychic powers’ as Charlatans and Socios do abound in that world among some very genuine hearted people. All the same though. Coincidence or what!

The Queen of Wands card denotes:

“An intelligent and savvy woman in business who commands loyalty and intelligence in those around her. A woman who will not be fooled. Female enterprise. Confident and generous woman. Sensual and passionate female energy. Lover of life and those willing to explore it with her. A feminine leader able to lead the masses. A woman able to see big picture and delegate accordingly.”

Oh well – who am I to argue. Clearly I’m fabulous (LOL!).

Anyway – I will share my ‘queenly energy’ (irony alert!) with all the other LF bloggers male and female who need a boost.




No Delta1…that card denotes meeting ME!!! clearly that describes me to a tee…sensual and passionate, confident and generous…that’s me…how spoooky! (just being silly)

I think tarot cards are a bit tedious, I prefer the direct link…channell and be done with it…so let me just channell some information about you…see if I’m right…ok…Delta1….come in delta1…

the channell told me get outside a bit more and stop trying to impress peeps……that I am eating too much and slobbishly hangin out too much with the computer…and to leave you alone!!

How embarrassing!


Excellent stuff Bulletproof – hey lets all be ‘Kings and Queens’ for the day. A royal feast and party for all!! LOL. I’m guessing you are one of the ‘genuine ones’ not a charlatan!

Any way this queen says: “Off with his head” – the ex N S or P in your life of course!

Okay – enough with the Alice in Wonderland stuff from me. I’m going out to join the real world.


Delta 1


Me too ….got to connect with the real world….but before I go..

“off with his head!!!”

I’m a charlatan to the extent I fell for a P…makes me a bit suspicious of what I attract…I’m deffinitely worried about the energy I put out there and what comes towards it….it makes me want to stay inside and just be safe.

Dani S

You need to pull the death card out next Delta! Then you will be free! 🙂

Cyberpath’s LMAO! I love that Bullet, how always very cleaver of you! 🙂

Dani S

Bullet, I just used your Cyberpath on the Fb LF Get out and enjoy life you maybe surprised that you just don’t attract them anymore and can see straight through them now! Here hoping anyway and that goes for me too 😉


one-step and Sageegirl,
Thanks for the tips! I’ll do that today and I also hid all personal info already. I know that FB is a big social machine, but I use it because my children are all over the US and it’s a great way to connect with them and share with them daily and just because the Cyberspath (I LOVE this!) is there shouldn’t dictate, once again, what I do. And I do enjoy my interaction with family and friends on there as well. I feel that if I went off FB, then it would be like the ex spath DICKtating, once again, who I communicate with.


That’s an enlightening article but not very surprising to me. I love my facebook. I use it to keep in contact with high school friends and prior coworkers who live out of state. I also have met some cool people that I have never met but have the same politics/views as I do. I am in some groups that involve my career and fan sites for sports teams,books,movies, TV. I also do groups that are local interest for New Orleanians.

I did have a somewhat strange experience. I was talking to two of my former coworkers who still work with my spath and they were talking to me about the relationship and their views as well as the lies he told. One of the gals goes to France a lot and has a lot of friends in Europe. After I finished IMing with them, I got a friend request from a man who seemed suspicious and was obviously foreign. I looked him up and he was listed as a friend of one of the gals I was talking to. He was obviously keeping track of the conversation relating to the spath and the relationship and started coming on strong about wanting to be friends. I ignored him and blocked him because it felt very wrong to me.

Facebook can be great but we all need to be careful. I just got yet another email from eharmony trying to get me on their site. Someone must have sold my email address because is contacting me too. I have BAD freakin vibes about any type of online dating and I won’t go near it!!

Frank Lee Speaking

Dani, my frank opinion is that ANY interaction is POSITIVE to these personality disorders. You CANNOT win in a back and forth dialogue, even if you think you have. I can guarantee that no matter what the results, even sitting in a jail cell, they are convinced they won and got what they wanted.

SHAME on the person running the site for not simply blocking this person when they began dominating! No contact, no contact, no contact. It is the ONLY way to really win.

That is not to take away from what you did, and it was probably healing for you and others….but I would leave any site that was allowing that sort of thing and block the site too, as well as the abuser.

Dani S

Neveragain, I agree! we all know here you never win and especially in there minds we will never…
I was so annoyed that this person was trying to take away my rights and that is why I gave it back to him. I was letting him know that he can’t scare me off nor does he have the right to do so.
The group Leader originally blocked him but he kept coming back in the group with other face book profile’s. She emailed me saying she was upset that the group had over 300 member’s and was a great positive group except for the cyberspath. I do believe the group leader knew she could not stop this menace and then shut the site down. He did say “there is no block I cant get through, no group I can’t get into, I am untouchable LOL”


dani – lots of them folks on fb…a couple of them show up here occasionally – i have checked out a couple of people who seem particularly misogynist/ disordered, and they are happily wreaking havoc on fb, calling out women in whatever fashion they please.

my personal experience with fb is about privacy – i sent a message through fb to a friend and asked for a second friend contact info. he sent it to me via facebook. the next day, the second friends name showed up in yahoo chat, in the email account connected to fb. these peeps share INFO IN PRIVATE MESSAGES. That’s when i shut down my account and went stealth.

Dani S

One step, One of my friends also had a friend request a couple of days ago from someone he didn’t know. He rang me and said maybe it was the cyberspath. It is so easy for them to friend request friends in the hope to get to your info as a lot of account are set as friends of friends to see info. I now have friends only on my account, before hand I didn’t realised how exposed I was and it was really stupid as having a violent ex spath out there he could find me if he was cleaver enough.
Some people just add anyone like Buttons said. my niece & step daughter have over 600 friends. How could anyone know 600 + people personally!


young peole live in a different cyberworld. or rahter, they live in a cyber world.

one of the problems with fb itself is that they are not transparent about what they do; and they keep changing their settings. so if you were well hidden, when they changed the settings you are exposed if you don’t go in and deal with the new settings – which default to ‘open.’

i am really glad your freinds are paying attention and are ‘on’ this guy. I was spathed, to a great extent, online. my ass**** psath created more than 20 characters for my con – at times they fought with one another…so i know the world of ‘sock puppets’ well. it’s what the spath does. and she does it over and over again. i never had contact with her via fb, but i relaized (when i knew who and what she was) that she was probably following me on fb at one point.

i have googled myself ad naseum and asked google to remove cached pages after i have deleted info/ had info deleted from the internet. now, i manage my online presence. i have a proxy server if i want to browse anonymously; i have a few email addresses, that would be hard to trace back to me (in combo with the proxy server) – i have made myself as safe as I know how – well, actually i learned all this since november of last year. makes me sound like a lunatic in ‘polite company’ – but not here.

thank god for ‘here’.

Dani S

LOL One Step, yes thank god for here! Here has educated me almost as much as the spath did.. I am much more aware these days about so many things, I don’t even recognise the little kid from the bush who’s biggest problems in life where oiling saddles for up and coming riding events and learning which fence was a fence and which ones were electric fences!

I was saying to my son the other day, when we were kids if we liked a song, we would have to go to town to the record store and order the record that used to take up to a week if it wasn’t in store.Now days if they want a song they get on the net, go to ITunes click and presto all in minutes..

The Internet has given us the world at hour finger tips, no more writing letters on the thin air mail pages to send to my friend in the states, which I had to eagerly wait about 3 months for his reply. Now I log on and my American friend that I met when I was 8 is right there on chat. These things I love about the Internet but I don’t know weather it is all good and sometimes miss the days of simplicity. 🙂


i miss the simplicity too. and i have to work to get some of it back.


Dani S, I miss it, too. I also miss the human interaction that has been replaced via technology. Yes, there’s a “good” side to technology, but I feel that the “negatives” far outweigh the benefits, especially where kids are concerned. They begin, cultivate, and end relationships using text messaging and the internet.

Dani S

And Buttons, not only ending relationships! I don’t know if your culture is different from mine, but I remember when I was younger people just dropped in! no one drops in anymore and if they do you, you wonder who the hell is knocking on your door other than a salesman! How fast we have changed x

Ox Drover

Dear Dani,

They still drop in here in the country—at least the neighbors and distant relatives that live close. Or sometimes people who don’t really know me personally will drive by if they want to talk to me about something and introduce themselves….but now I am more cautious about people I don’t know now, but that’s okay too…I keep the gun in my hand behind the door so they can’t see it unless they NEED TO SEE IT. LOL

Dani S

LMAO oxy I am picturing that! Unfortunately Australia has been disarmed! Thanks to Martin Bryant! That is a fascinating & one of Australias most Tragic story in its self which you have probably read about. I do carry my ex spath Asp which is an illegal weapon here but has his name all over it if he ever comes near me again! 😉


Oxy and Dani, I don’t open my door for any stranger under any circumstances. Even guys who have a badge and show it to me saying they are working in the areas and my house is the next on their list. I tell them “sorry, no one from your office contacted me that you were coming over”. They then tell me a notice was sent in the mail. Sorry. I don’t read junk mail … it automatically gets tossed. They look perplex but I don’t care. I only open my door for folks I know. I don’t even let police officers in. If I called the police, I step outside my home and talk with them. If they knock on my door because they are investigating folks in the area … same thing, I step outside to talk with them.

Ox Drover

Dear Dani,

Yea, had thought about moving to Oz until I found out they had disarmed everyone but the OUTLAWS. All the honest people gave up their guns but of course the outlaws and crooks kept theirs.

Fortunately, I think it will still be a long time before they take the honest folks’ weapons here—tooo many would rebel. Actually, crime is going down in the US by large percentages since we have done longer sentences for some things and have enough of the Ps locked up it has actually put the crime stats on the downward spiral. Which is a good thing.

Out here in the country (vs city) we have very little break ins I think because most country homes are well armed. More and more people are getting concealed carry permits which allow you, after a back ground check by FBI and classes, to carry a concealed fire arm just about anywhere except a gov’t building or a school.

On your own property you can carry openly, which is what I do here out on the farm, but if someone drives up to the house, I open the door with my hand behind it with a pistol in it where someone can’t see I have it in my hand. With the natural gas drilling going on we have a lot of the “oil field trash” roughnecks here so I’m not about to let anyone get too close I don’t know. I usually get dog warning before they even get out of their car and I sort of stop them before they get too close to the porch even….just being cautious and SAFE with strangers.

Dani S

Oxy you make me think of a Janet Evanovich novel LOL
My brother lived in Canada and the States for years and he said there is less violence on the whole per capita as people are armed. Don’t know if this is correct or not but my Dad was a licensed arms dealer in the 70’s and growing up on a farm guns were second nature to us but when the gun amity came about in the late 90’s our family (the honest ones) handed them all in! Dad being a dealer years earlier our family thought we would be one of the first families to be look at in the area.
You are allowed to have a licence if you own a farm or belong to a gun club. I remember as a kid having about 10 rifle and pistols adoring our wall in the lounge room.Now you would never see that in Australia.
Wini- I dont answer the door to anyone at all & my kids know not to as well as my ex spath knew hit men that would pay visits. That fear crippled me for a very long time but now we are ok we just know to never answer the door unless we know the person 🙂


Oxy, you country folks aren’t the only ones that arm yourselves (SMILE). We city folks do too.

Ox Drover


I can “pass” for a city person if I must, and I put on my “city clothes” and went to work every day and “passed for” civilized folks, but I much prefer it out here in the boonies where I can just “let my hair down” and there’s no pretense—-I can be as “red-necked” as I want to be, and ride my jack asses, wear my feathered hat and chew tobacco if I want to (I don’t want to! LOL)

My grandmother who was a Tennessee Lady secretly dipped snuff, and there’s an old saying “you might be a redneck if your mom (or granny) put a spit cup on the ironing board!” LOL She would have DIED dead before she let anyone she knew know she did it. LOL I tried it once when I was a kid and turned green. I did smoke though, but finally quit that.

She was “scandalized” that I grew up a “tom boy” on the farm, helping deliver calves, or even knowing in my later teen-aged years about breeding horses. My grandmother wouldn’t say the world BULL, (too sexual) she said “Male cow” DUH! But I did learn enough from her that I can do tatting, knitting, fine embroidery and pass for a “lady” if I so desire to pass, but I also can ride and rope and shoot and cuss if there’s a need to, so I guess you could say I’m a generalist instead of a specialist. LOL

The other things the family taught me, like “never air your dirty laundry in public” and “what would the neighbors think?” and “let’s pretend none of this happened” and “forgiveness means letting them have another shot at you” and best of all “If you don’t do what I tell you is God’s will, you are going to hell and burn forever.”

So I think the first couple of sets are better than the third set, so I’ve kept the passing for a lady part, and even the riding, roping and shooting part, but the other part—I’m letting that go. Actually, it’s the hardest one to get rid of because it is all inside the emotional sphere. But First I change the behavior and the feelings will follow. Its a process.

wini: good girl.

Dani S

Oxy I loved that little post and I am right with you in every paragraph. I have been tossing up for the past 18 months weather to go back to the country!
My kids are very settled here that has been the only thing that has stopped me. I crave for a more peaceful life and having the connection again to the country, but scared as it would be such a big undertaking, moving.New schools, job, friends etc.

My brother after living in the city for 15 years and travelling the world for 10 years has moved to the country with his family and he is as happy as a pig in sh*t, literally LOL 🙂

Ox Drover

Well, it depends on lots of things. Lots of folks who have never lived in the country, like my neighbor crazy Bob, move out here and think that all they have to do to fit in is just call the neighbors and say “come to my house for a barn raising”— not going to happen! Not unless your daddy lived here and his daddy before him, and so on.

People in the country generally have jobs in town anyway, so it’s not like every one meets at the grist mill to grind their corn every saturday and talks. LOL

If you want to live privately though, you can do that, but even though you may not know them, they will know everything about you before the moving truck pulls off. Just the way it is. LOL But if you don’t want to be neighborly or visit, they’ll let you do that, or will be friendly either way. Being accepted by the locals just means that you have to be a nice person. My husband wasn’t “from here” but by 2-3 months he knew everyone in the county and they all gravitated toward him. At his memorial service in the middle of the week, 400 people came, mostly locals and he had only been here 12 years.

When I had to pull out and hide out for a while, I thought about buying or renting a piece of ground to park my RV trailer on way in the sticks, but then realized that everyone would know who I was in 15 minutes and what I was doing there. BUT if I hid out in PLAIN SIGHT in an RV park at the lake on a friend’s lots, no one would know or care who I was. Worked great!


Down the road a few miles is Bubba’s Bar and Grill. Tomorrow nite they are having a ‘facebook’ reunion with live music and free beer. OK so what am I missing? I dont have a facebook account or profile..Maybe I should join facebook and go get me some beer and bar-b-Q and kick up my heels with the local’s – I mite even try some carryokie…yup I live in a shell.


hens – how are your wasp stings?


Good Evening One Step – The swelling is going down, I went to the Doc this morning and got a cortizone shot, have been druggy all day with the benadryl, I think by tomorrow I will be fine..thanks for asking and how are you ticking this evening?


Ya heading of to become a country bumpkin this weekend still?
I hope so……it’ll be a great refresher for you!
Go sit in a field and just ponder how beautiful it is!!!

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