Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following from the reader who posts as “Kerisee04.”
How does a person know if they have engaged in a friendship with a female predator? So often it is the romantic relationships that are discussed, and usually about male sociopaths.
First of all, it’s important to note that if you are a male, to the female sociopath, you either a sexual target or a source of financial gain. In my experience with the female sociopath, in her mind, there is no man beyond her reach. She has sexual fantasies about all men she encounters and runs scenarios in her head to accomplish her goal. In my naive state of mind, I had no idea this particular female sociopath was after my husband.
There really is no “friendship” with a sociopath. While the female target may feel a sense of obligation and social grace toward the female sociopath, the sociopath feigns sincerity. Some of the signals I missed were:
1. Back-handed compliments. “You dress frumpy. You need to find clothes that fit you better.” Or, “I know you don’t give your husband everything he needs.” Or, “Do you know how hot your husband is?”
2. Immediate soul-mate connection with my husband. “He and I are so alike.” Or, “It’s like we’re brother and sister. I understand him.”
3. Fake displays of emotion, similar to histrionics. She would fly off the handle over any changes that were made to plans, she would manipulate everybody to feel sorry for her and eventually give in to her out of pity.
4. Lack of boundaries. She would come over every day and stay until I literally kicked her out at 2 a.m. After I had surgery, I managed to stay up until 1 a.m. with her and my husband until I passed out from exhaustion. I found out the next day that she stayed until 5 a.m., alone with my husband in my living room.
5. Lack of shame. She would pull me into sexual discussions of fantasies, comparing sizes of anatomy, and playing games of truth or dare. These are things I would never under normal circumstances allow myself to take part in. No subject or dare was off-limits to her, and I was given the impression that she was my best friend and would keep all my secrets. Only later did I find out that she took mental note of everything I said to use against me when her lies finally came out.
6. Her attempts to be alone with my husband under the guise of platonic friendship. “He’s coming over to hang pictures for me.” And, “We met for lunch since we were both in the same area.”
There are so many flags I missed. Or maybe I didn’t miss them; I just ignored them. The most embarrassing of all is my nonchalant attitude when her affair with my husband came out. My husband (now ex-husband) had fallen victim to her seduction. Granted, things were not great in our marriage to begin with, but we had managed to be faithful to each other for seven years until she entered our world. My husband had a guilty conscience and finally came forward with their affair.
Read more: Guidelines for dealing with female sociopaths
When the female sociopath found out about this, she immediately resorted to histrionics. “I can’t believe he would do something like this to me. I finally trust someone, and they stab me in the back.” And, “It was an accident. We just went a little too far during the truth or dare game. Now you’re going to hate me and I’m going to lose my best friend!” She was flipping out and crying.
I had no time to think about the implications. I was thinking about the ways in which I could have unknowingly facilitated the affair. That’s exactly what she wanted. When I finally pulled away and talked with my spiritual elders, I told them I was worried about her. She was so messed up mentally over this that I feared she might hurt herself. After all, I was her friend. Then one of the elders told me something that finally turned on the light in my head: “Anybody that would do something like that to their friend is NOT a true friend.”
It took me a few hours to let that sink in and realize the magnitude of my situation. In the coming days and months, the story came out in bits and pieces. Some from my husband, who was trying desperately to hold on to me, and some from the female sociopath, who was trying to downplay the affair until she was backed into the corner with the truth.
When all her numerous affairs (we stopped counting at 30) came out, her husband slowly began to realize the predatory trap that she held him in. She had cheated on him throughout their entire marriage, sometimes dropping their two kids off at daycare for a “mom’s day off” and driving to another town for a quickie with one of her men.
When she talked with our mutual friends and elders about the situation, she was sure to exploit every secret I had confided to her and she would twist the truth to seem as though I coerced her and my husband into doing what they did so that I could divorce him. It all seemed so sincere. Except, there wasn’t a shred of truth to it. In fact, she was using projection. Her goal was to get me to say and do self-incriminating things so that she would have ammunition against me when everything hit the fan.
It was truly a time of awakening for me. There truly isn’t good in all people. Just most people.
Though healthy individuals like to believe that change is possible, I have come to the realization that when a person is animalistic in nature, contains no actual emotions or feelings, and looks for manipulation in everybody she meets, there is no possibility of healthy change. This female sociopath’s parents have held on to the hope for the past four years that she would change. They have even at times helped her out financially, only to be confronted with more of her lies.
There is much more to the story. This, in fact, is only a chapter—the first chapter of my entanglement with this particular female sociopath. But I feel it’s important for people to understand the complexities of so-called friendship with a female predator. It’s important to recognize the signs and for your own good, to never give them what they want.
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Jan. 19, 2011.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I lied to myself as I became close to him again
Ah, yes, the sociopathic “friend”—-had a couple of those, one in particular! It is no “worse” or “better” or “easier” or “harder” than breaking up with anyone that you love and trust and are betrayed by!
FRIENDS do not mistreat you, Friends do NOT BETRAY YOU, and friends do not steal from you. Friends do not talk to you like a “yard dog” that has just torn up their trash, and you know, I am finding it easier and easier to disengage from this kind of “friend” all the time and the first sign of malicious behavior and/or attitude is all it takes now, no “second” chances over and over. Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on ME.
I agree that Jesse sounds like a psychopath, or at least very high in the traits!
Aerin, thanks for the comments.
I’m starting to worry because I can’t find my orig. birth certificate. I know I just moved, but I checked and it’s not with all the other papers it should be with.
She actually did to me what she said her last landlord did to her: go into our apt. and go thru all my personal papers/and steal money. I kills me to know she read all my twins personal stuff (she is deceased) from her lawyer regarding her estate etc. Now I can’t find my birth cert. and I’m wondering if she stole it. She stole money, but she also stole “things” like my hydroculator! She also has problems with getting electricity because she did not pay a 3,000.00 bill and they shut her off years ago until she pays. Who lets the bill get that high?? It could be a lie cause she is the one who told me ugh.
I’m going to keep looking for it.
Kerisee04,
What you went through is horrible. I have only two concerns about the events you relate.
First, you are going very easy on your ex-husband. Yes, it was good of him to confess and shows some degree of conscience, but he made a commitment before God, a commitment he consciously violated.
Second, from the way you relate the story, this person is still a part of your life. You need to severe that. If you have mutual aquaintances, either severe them too or if she comes up ask not to hear about her. From the way it sound like you are trying to prove to yourself that you are the bigger person looking out for the mental state of this person.
You are the bigger person, you don’t need to prove it. Now get out while the getting is good.
If you are maintaining a connection in the hopes of some kind of closure, your independence is your closure. Her absence from your life is your closure. Seeking closure from some interaction with her only feeds her power and reduces yours.
Get her out of your life and get on with yours.
Good luck and God Bless.
Hi folks,
it’s been a long time since I’ve actually written here, though I do pay attention to your postings, and sometimes, like today, it seems your topics come at just the right time.
It does seem like people who attract predators are capable of attracting more than one type of predator. I recently met a woman who is making me very nervous, and this article speaks to many of the reasons why she makes me nervous. Quite frankly, I have no husband or mate for her to steal, but I currently have a new apartment and peace of mind (which I worked hard for, after my experience with my pschopathic ex-boyfriend.)
(We made contact because we had both registered for a seminar about 1 hours drive from where we live, and the organizers gave her my name as someone who she could ride with. Yes, I drove.) Well, the first time she came to my house, which was also the first time I’d ever met her, she settled right in and made herself right at home. We had a nice time — and I realized after the day was over that she was making some of the same types of overtures my ex- did on the first few dates (asking MANY personal questions, withholding her own information, agreeing with nearly everything I said, saying at the end of the day that we were meant to be friends.) At the end of the day, too, she asked if she could sometimes stay at my place on nights when the weather is bad (she lives about 1/2 hour away, in the “snow belt” near me. I said “sure,” but then afterwards, I started wondering if this was a good idea. She wrote to me three times within a day of meeting her, offering all kinds of help and advice, and saying we must stay in touch.
Am I wrong to be worried? I’m not sure what else I might offer to her, but I really am concerned about letting her into my life too quickly. . .
meanwhile, the e-mails keep coming! I haven’t answered for a couple days. . . .
thanks for all your help, and as always, thanks for this fabulous forum. (I am a member on FB, too!)
Ana,
So sorry to read the story that brought you here.
I don’t want to unduly alarm you, but you NEED to report this (the birth certificate theft) to the police, ASAP. Secondly, contact every credit reporting agency in your jurisdiction (I don’t know where you live), and any other organization you can think of where she might be inclined to use your ID (e.g your bank, credit card agencies) and give them the number of the police report (or perhaps even a copy – I’d ask the police what’s appropriate here). Also, *very important*, ask those credit organizations to contact you whenever a credit check on you is requested (I believe that all credit reporting agencies internationally are required to provide this ‘service’). I would do this even if you eventually find your BC. She may have taken a copy of it, or taken it and used it somewhere and then returned it. When it comes to identity theft, the more proactive you are the better protection – it becomes more obvious that you aren’t ‘claiming’ theft to cover for your own bad behaviour. I don’t know how large or small your local police division is, but most of them will be able to give you assistance, and more specific information than I have here. Also, I’d bet a good number of LF’ers have gone through this and could be more specific. Most important thing though is to report this to the police – sooner rather than later.
LouiseGolem,
You have an excellent point about attracting more than one type of predator – and great observation about how this “friend” is using the same techniques as your ex. Your instincts are good – I think you just need to let yourself listen to them (the first few pages of “The Gift of Fear” come to mind).
My advice would be to: “Run Away! Run Away! Run Away! Run Away!” (Sorry – just saw a documentary on Monty Python and couldn’t resist)!
Dear Louise,
I think you should listen to your gut, it is not uncommon for predatory people of various kinds, including borderline personality disordered, to be so “instant friends” with you that you sense something is wrong. The “instant best friends” is a good sign that there is some problem with her boundaries so I think that you are wise to keep it at “arm’s length” for quite some time if not forever.
Also on the other hand, sometimes people who are JUST very lonely will be actively seeking for friends, but at the same time, IT IS A RED FLAG AND CAUTION IS THE WORD OF THE DAY! In MHO anyway. Glad to see you are around though Louise, welcome back!
Donna,
Really sorry to hear about the hacking. I know that being hacked for some people can feel the same as being robbed.
Glad to see that everything is back up, and I hope you are OK.
Kinda reinforces the whole point of this site…
Hi Oxy,
Good points about lonely people sometimes coming on too strong. But I’m thinking that the request to “sometimes stay at my place on nights when the weather is bad” on the first day that you meet someone REALLY doesn’t pass the smell test.
Annie, I agree with you about the smell test on that particular woman, to request such a “favor” on the FIRST MEETING is wayyyyyyy over and beyond the boundaries I think.
I was just making the point that not ALL “overly friendly” people are predatory but SOME sure are and almost always the psychopaths and borderlines ARE “overly friendly” at first. Even doing favors for you and “love bombing” you from the get go.
Looking back on every REALLY dysfunctional relationship I had with someone I met (rather than had as a relative) EVERY time they were “overly friendly” from the get go—“love bombing” me with flattery etc. right from the start, then BINGO!!!! BAM-O!!!! the back stabbing using and abusing!
Now I am pretty leery of anyone who comes on too strongly at the first of the relationship. It just doesn’t pay to let your guard down too soon with this kind of person.
This may be out of context but I believe it relates here. I had posted at the end of the O for Umbrella thread about my two girlfriends.
The fact that the one validates me but still looks at exH as having come across as a nice person. The people at my daughter’s group home believe the same. Yes, he did look good to other people who hadn’t been gaslighted by him.
The second girlfriend, on the other hand, has had a habit of taking the wrong side in an argument. Although we have known each other since we were toddlers and have been in and out of each other’s lives for years, we had really had a falling out recently. I stood up for myself and let her go in a flying email battle a few months ago. It was recently I got in contact with her by email to let her know of the death of a relative of mine that she knew. She emailed me back and said that she was glad that we were talking again.
I had a long talk with her on the phone late Saturday Night. As I listened to her talk about her former passisve aggressive husband, I brought up the break up of my marriage again. She very rudely told me to “Get over it.”
For those of you who didn’t read that post, let me explain that I now believe that this girlfriend is a classic Narcissist. I didn’t know it all of these years because I am only now realize that my mother is at least on the continuem. This girlfriend has reminded me of my mother this past year. My mother believes that everything that happens to me has to be at least a little bit my fault.
This girlfriend has to be the queen bee or the alpha female. Even though she is three years younger than me, if her advice is not taken, I am wrong. We are both Christians but she is a SUPER SAINT. She believes God talks to her. I believe he speaks to me also, but in different ways by confirming what he has shown me. God is very very patient with me.
I do not believe that she thinks God speaks to her audibly….BUT she still has in the past looked at us like she is the saint and I am the sinner. That is because I dared to date before my divorce was final.
I thought I could trust her again with my feelings. No I can’t.
On the other hand, I had an “aha moment” a few days ago regarding my 25 year marriage. None of it was my fault.
I had that same realization after years of processing the loss of my first marriage. He was gay and abusive. He was not abusive because he was gay. They were too separate things. The closure of that marriage was easy.
My second marriage I believe had been a power struggle from the beginning. I was the passive, dependent person, but when I started becoming more independent he because more covertly aggressive. He thought that when he left me I would fall apart. I didn’t. It has taken me until now though (almost three and a half years) to realize that the failing of this marriage was not my fault either.
The reason I came to that realization was because he was a master manipulator, verbal abuser, gaslighter, and as much as I stood up to him verbally, I NEVER realized what actually hit me until very recently. I am still processing it, and don’t know the whole story yet, but at least I don’t feel sorry for him now.
The girlfriend I mentioned is not a predator but is not a real friend either. She takes pride in the fact that she was the favorite child of her parents between she and her younger sister. She likes to give advice but cannot take advice nor gentle criticism. I am back to the drawing board on her. She is not someone I can count on.
TTS