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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The heart thief

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite.”

He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.

He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.

One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.

He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.

He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.

He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.

He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.

He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking”¦..one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.

The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.

He is NOT a cardiologist”¦ he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.


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286 Comments on "LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The heart thief"

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What a powerful article! How true, the FALSE ones are everything you described. They do all the things you described, they build such a mirage that we think it is REAL when it is nothing but a picture of something that doesn’t exist.

sometimes we will throw away everything we hold dear to seek kafter that fantasy picture that they paint of this wonderful world that they will construct just fo rus.

When I think of this I think of what the Serpent told Eve in the Garden of Eden…that if she just ate the fruit she would be like a god and know the difference betwen good and evil…she had unfortunately to EXPERIENCE evil in order to understand what it was, but it cost her everything she held dear.

I hope that you and your husband were able to repair your marriage and home. I’m sorry you had to experience EVIL to understand it. God bless.

Wow I love that ending!

I’d like to add:

He is a God: You must believe in him without proof, or he will punish you. He promises salvation–or else, damnation. He convinces you that he is worthy of your unyielding love and adoration, and that any dissent is punishable with torture in the fires of Hell. He creates you. He makes you into his image and then demands your allegiance. There is no God but him. And this, he tells you, is love. This is the love of the creator of the universe, the omnipotent ruler of the heavens, the great determiner of your own fate and even the rightful claimant to the throne of Earth itself.

You find yourself believing in him like a religious zealot, ready to strap a bomb to your chest and blow yourself to smithereens just to prove to him that your love is real and pure, that you are worthy of this all-powerful, divine love. You humbly crash to the ground, on your knees, and put your clean face into the fresh dirt, tell him in your spattering mumbles that you are nothing without him, that you are his to command.

He hovers above you and says, with an echoing thunder, “No, you are not worthy. You do not love me enough.”

And then the day comes that the romance atheist in you comes forth to overcome the hopeless romantic you once were:)

This is. Exactly what happened to me. Tears…I left my husband and beautiful home with two children for a man I knew from age six and reconnected with at a time my marriage was in trouble. He did all of the above including looking into my eyes with that intent look Donna discribe’s and says”come grow old with me and be with a man that’s more in align with you” so I did. I trusted him like a brother with a 30 year plus histroy i thought OUR story was unique and beautiful..A GIFT..how naive.He continued to lie and manipulate me with his phoney divorce papers for 8 years. Where have I been. To hell and back. I asked himif he ever felt bad about ruining my marriage and he said NO i wanted you for me. Sick bastard.During that period of time I lost my job my children’s dad passed away from cancer and I also lost my dad. I felt like I just could not ome up for air. That evil man was happy because I was not focused on him so every time something happened in my life he bought more time. It’s been 5 months NC and everyday I am building myself back. I just have to forgive myself for being so blind. This site has taught me so much and now I get it..

Oh and the book betrayal bonds also helped a lot . I was left and abandoned by my mother at age 10. This man new my family all tht had happened and that I had issues from a child with abandonment and played it like a fiddle. You think these people are your best friend and tell them all your little secrets and they use them against you at your weakest moments. That book along with Donnas love fraud book has educated me and helped me see why I am attracted to all these abusive people in my life and through betrayal bonds why I stayed and trusted people who have betrayed me and earned zero trust. Thank you Donna. From someone who can’t afford therapy but have you and this site to turn to. The only thing now is I trust no one not even my own judgement right now as I have made so many wrong choices…

One more clue here this guy was a psychology major and very deep and smart. He studied me very well. All for his benefit. I never thought because of this old connection he would hurt me. Now I understand that was how I felt not him. He I learned is incapable. So I have to get over this illusion I built in my brain that Im miss knowing it was all FAKE…

DLM, I am so sorry that you feel for the fantasy–like we all did–but so GLAD that you ARE HERE and that you are working on healing yourself from the trauma.

It is okay not to trust yourself just yet…it takes time until you can build up your trust in yourself to keep your choices sound and yourself safe. Losing trust in OURSELVES to protect ourselves is I think one of the BIGGEST losses we have in all that we lose.

Learn to trust yourself one choice, one decision at a time. Small ones at first…then as you gain more confidence, as you heal more the bigger ones can come.

Thank you for sharing your story with us as well. It helps to share it, both helps us and helps you. Hang in there. God bless.

Thank you ox for your comment. At least I know what I’m feeling is completely normal. My biggest lesson that came from this “I am DONE with abusive relationships”. What betrayal bonds and love fraud taught me was every single man in my life has been abusive. So from now on its healthy or nothing for me. I am ok by myself. I just hope I recognize a healthy relationship when I see one..I’m Leary now and on my guard. Too old and can’t afford any more mistakes..

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I want you to know that I am detoxing from the heart thief, to put it nicely, and have had NC for one month! I confirmed all my suspicions by talking to two of his ex girlfriends, who graciously provided me with all the details regarding his lies and dysfunctional, predatory lifestyle.

My husband and I are working through things. I’m optimistic that this experience will make us stronger. I feel that therapists are not knowledgeable in the area of psychopathy. If it wasn’t for Donna and Claudia Miscovicci and and their amazing websites, I would still be in the dark. Another insightful, intelligent, and entertaining blog is Brilliant Desguise at WordPress. This woman’s story is so similar to mine it’s frightening. it has helped me immensely. I just ordered the new Red Flags book and can’t wait to read it. Knowledge is power and through the info I’ve learned…..you can be sure this will never happen to me again.

DLM, I definitely understand that, “too old now and can’t afford any more mistakes” LOL

I’m so “picky” about who I’d consider, I’m not sure such a man exists…the facts are that a man my age (65) can get a woman much younger than himself if he has much to offer. So for him to be “interested” in someone his own age is not going to be very likely (just the facts of the situation) and I’m not interested in any one 80 at this point in my life. LOL My husband was 15 years older than me, but we were 40 and 55 at the time, now 15 years would be 65 and 80, so I’ll pass on the 80 year olds. As it is, not any of the 70-ish guys appeal to me…the good ones are snapped up quickly and the ones that are left are pretty worthless. I even know only a few married guys that if they were single I’d have even baked, on a platter with an apple in their mouths! LOL

Finding someone kind, good, and honest, PLUS with your interests, a common educational level (more or less) common intellect etc is pretty difficult…but to find a single one in your area, your age range etc. is pretty much like winning the lotto when you get to be my age. LOL But that’s okay with me now, at first I freaked out “Oh my god, I’ll never have another man adore me””””” bwaaaaa bawwww oh, poor me! Oh, well, I’m over that now…being single is okay and in many ways I’m enjoying it. No one to account to.

A thought I would rather not have ..that bastard is the last relationship of my life.. Hard to swallow..god did not mean for anyone to be alone. Thoughts do become things so I’m watching my thoughts. Men who want younger let them to have there ass dumped when there too old to do anything about it and she moves on.Those are not the kind of men I’m interested in..either it’s real or I will stay alone.

And here just arrived step two of makig me get rid of the profile….

His sister manipulating me didn’t help. His gf posting “he’s a sweetheart” with his profile doesn’t help either. So, it’s “threatening” time…

“hey darwinsmom one more oportonity to delate the thing you put abaut me i now were findds you you ruion my life bich i gonna put you in internet too
check you photos to in internet i hop youi no get job in facking amberes

one more chanse to chenge that forget that thing …… is bin one years hellooooooooooo .. dont be stupida i get photos of you too in internet you roin my life i gonnA FACKYOU TOO”

I guess it’s not going to work. I’ve always taken into account of him making such a profile about me, and it’s not even scaring me. Of course, never entered his mind to ask straightforwardly and politely. All the manipulation and threatening is doing is making me think, “nope”. Besides he fucked me already anyhow.

Snow White,

This brings tears to my eyes. I felt it go straight to my heart. I lost some money and pride with the last spath. But what was worse, what nearly killed me, was the heartbreak of fraudulent love.

I could NOT believe someone could FAKE love. It had never occured to me. Really. The abuse I recognized (I was raised with it). But the USE of love, as a tool, to gain power and control just never registered as a real possibility.

I thought love was the supreme goal in life. To find it, to give it. To make the world a better place because of it…. and that EVERYONE felt that way.

That has been the biggest eye-opener, and the biggest impetus for a life and belief adjustment for me.

I am glad you are here. I am glad you are no contact. I am sorry for the betrayal and devastation you feel.

Slim

Hi Slim,

Thank you for your support. I think this guy cared for me as much as he was capable of loving. To him love is possessing and controlling. That is all he knows. He wanted me to move in with him. Emptied out his closet……I was ready to do it too! CRAZY What was I thinking! How could I have been so foolish. But you see, I had know him for several years so I had a false sense of security. I bought his “love bomb” lock stock and barrel. He was very controlling in having to talk all day long. If I slacked in texting….he would make comments. I believe he wants a relationship and doesn’t want to be alone, but he is not capable of monogamy. The red flags and my gut instincts stopped me from going through with it. He had so many lies in his past that he didn’t want me to know about. The thing is, he was always kind and loving toward me. He just didn’t have the maturity or emotional intelligence to deal with real issues. My life would have been hell with him. He practiced unsafe sex yet didn’t want to get tested and thought nothing of putting me in danger. I’m sure his next victim will find out the hard way too.

On the bright side, he made me realize that I still love my husband. My husband never gave up on me. After 27 years, he knows what kind of person I am and this situation is so uncharacteristic of anything I would ever do. But we do need counseling to work through this whole thing. I knew I just couldn’t go through with divorcing my husband and felt as though I was pressured into it. However, when I told this guy that I needed to listen to my counselors and work on my marriage, he did get pretty nasty.

I hope you find happiness. I am usually an optimistic person and believe that there are good, honest, and decent people out there. Good luck:)

Snow

@slim. I destroyed my marriage and gave it all up for someone I believed in like you the connection was very old so it gave a false sense of security to me as well. Good for you that you got a second chance I was not that lucky or was I. Maybe, after I heal from the trauma,my next relationship will be my best and last . My marriage was in trouble anyway and not someone that I want to grow old with..time will tell the reason for the last lowlife in my life..

Welcome SnowWhite! glad you didn’t end up losing everything. They wreck so many lives. Keep on learning and growing. The journey is worth it in the end! (or can be for sure)

I do believe that things happen for a reason. Some how eventually it all works out. I guess time will tell for all of us.

What I’ve also learned while I was going through this that as I went through my days at work, people would say hello and say, “how are you”, I would smile and say great. I was dying inside and couldn’t let it show. It was then that it dawned on me, how many other people in my workplace are going through hell and put on a big facade. You never really know what goes on in other people’s lives and marriages. No one has the perfect life. Fortunately, I have a couple of very close friends who were there to support me. My friends and the blogs really help.

I guess life is what we make of it. I was crying everyday. Now I can’t remember the last time I cried. Today I am choosing to be happy:)

Hi Snowwhite~ I am so happy to see you here working things out with yourself and with your husband. I will say a prayer for you both tonight.

I believe everything happens for a reason, I feel very strongly about that. This will make you stronger, with time and healing, with knowledge and with the support of people who understand, you will get there.

The ex spath I endured cheated with probably a hundred people while we were together, many of whom were married. He chose them over others because (in my personal opinion) he enjoyed the extra damage he was doing. The more drama or perversion he could squeeze out of a “relationship” the BETTER! Psychopaths get bored so very easily so a pursuing chase and conquest of a devoted married woman was extra exciting. All that drama takes their minds off the fact that they serve no value in life.

God bless you and keep reading. 🙂

Hello Snow:) You hit the nail on the head with your essay. So sorry that you experienced it first hand. I wish you and your Husband healing and love. It will work out-eventually- because it is a “real” relationship and not a “relationshit” as it is called by some here at LF:) No contact is the only way…

Slim, I can identify with what you said about the use of love as an unbelievable tool to gain power. I was blown away by that too. It was my biggest eye-opener as well. It really messed me up for a long time. I soon realized that what I learned in life and hold true does not apply when dealing with a Sociopath. All the wiser Slim:)

Hi Snow white,
what a perfect name for a spath survivor!

I’m glad to hear a hopeful story, thank you for posting your article. You’re ready to do the hard work on yourself and your marriage and you have a husband who loves you and is also willing. That’s really good news.

Don’t be afraid to see your weaknesses because they can become your strengths. And keep reading, never stop learning, there is always more to know. If there was one thing I could have done differently, that would have been it. I would have been more open to learning about PD’s. I might have saved years of pain.

Can anyone tell me what kind of woman a male sociopath would be most attracted to, or seek out? I seem to attract sociopaths of both genders and I’m going to use this fact to understand on what I need to work on personally. It’s true and I seem to be an attractive conquest for them. Could it be slightly masochistic insecure people attract them? I’ve been working on that part of me a while now.

Wow how powerful is this article? I truly felt as though I was reading my story! As shameful and sickening as it is to read and fathom after 8 years, its spot on to how my situation panned out! I wish I new then what I know now. I wish I could have spotted the signs…BUT.. he would not have targeted me if I was wise to his ways! Anyhoo.. we live and learn the hard way I guess!

**sigh** it seems so much easier just to rescue a dog from the local shelter then deal with the complexity of human relationships in this day and age. Things have become so dangerous.

silentstorm – I hear you loud and clear! When was life and love ever meant to be so complicated? Is it because we as women speak up these days whereas once upon a time a woman just accepted her choices and lived with it regardless of her own happiness?

SnowWhite, excellent piece. And, the current husband (still, ick) constantly said, “I’m NOT your EX!” Meaning that beatings were absent, so therefore he is not an abuser. Good article – VERY much the M.O.

This article is breaking my heart.

I’m on day 6 of the break up process. We still live in the same home. But the packing has begun. It’s not the first time I’ve left him…this is number 3…three times since November. I have to follow through this time. I have to. If I don’t…I don’t know what I’ll do.

I’ve been participating in this dysfunctional relationship for nearly 4 years and I’ve put up with things I would have NEVER agreed to before that time. I believe I’m in love with this man. But sometimes I think I’m just seduced by the drama…and I hate that idea! How can something so exhausting and so hurtful be what I want?! But there is something about this relationship that reminds me of my early childhood…so maybe it triggers something in me. I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. My self-esteem is dead and my self-respect is close behind.

A friend directed me to this website and the things you are all writing/sharing are blowing me away. I usually feel completely isolated from the world. I had no idea that anyone could possibly understand what’s happening in my world…until I read the things you all have to say.

The one thing I’m struggling to understand right now is the use of the word “sociopath”. It seems so…harsh! Almost evil. I know that many people *do* take advantage of others purposely, hurt others purposely…but is there ever an instance where the abuser in question is, in part, clueless? Maybe I’m just too brainwashed from drinking the Kool-aid…but I think my abuser is just completely oblivious part of the time. Of course, if he’s getting his needs met then why should he change his behavior? But a sociopath? Really? I don’t mean to be disrespectful of anyone’s experience…and I can take a “here’s the reality” talk if that’s what I need. But the term “sociopath” brings to mind criminals and people with no feelings/regard for anything or anyone. I’ve seen compassion in my guy. I’ve seen love, primarily for his family. Can he really be a sociopath? Narcissist maybe. I’m trying to sit with that to understand it. But sociopath? I don’t know. If we were at AA, I’d call him “King Baby”. Is anyone familiar with that term?

I’m sorry I’m rambling. I’m sorry if this is the wrong place to post my questions. I don’t want to derail anyone’s conversation. I just….can’t stop reading what you all have to say and, to be honest, my mouth has dropped open more than a dozen times…because I know I’m in the right place. And it scares me.

My story to a “T”…i’m crying, I feel sick to my stomach.So Profound!! .Could it have possibly been the same one? It is identical the pattern…It is the Art of Seduction..it is the Serpent in the Garden of Eden…
He has so many other victims…He conned me out of my entire nest egg to invest so I would have money that he could make for me while I go through a divorce that he was attempting to create..(he said he did 17 divorces and was a divorce coach as well as Day Trader) (He called my husband several times to kill his soul at the same time he fragmented and disintegrated mine..he said it was dominance, that i was his and he needed to make sure that i was not being touched) so i could be his future wife or mistress in a villa in Spain…..there was always a little truth tied in with the lies that made everything seem possible and honest…
I no longer had any control over my own emotions…i was unable to remove myself.(he did have past girlfriends that attempted and committed suicide) .once he was “done with me” I was a walking zombie and sank deeper into the black hole.i had been hurt so many times before and raised by an alcoholic that i thought i could endure the pain but i did not know that this subhuman species existed, I had no idea what I was up against…….only to survive on “borrowed hope”..Narc recovery programs, therapist (who I had all along), life coach and psychiatrist and personal trainer…the bills incurred with this were worth it, as I am Alive Today……they make us ramble on and look like the crazy ones and that is all part of their scheme but thank goodness for the educated for they know how their evil works….My heart hurts for one of the victims I know he is utilizing now, who is in a suicidal state as well as his enslaved wife and the baby they just brought into this world..Their journey is not in my hands. they would not hear me anyway..i pray for them….There are still safe people in this world and now i have some ability to discern who they are…
p.s…the whole time i knew the truth but was unable to move on the truth, i was truly hooked, not in my own power..it was a spell, a trance, a poison in my veins ,,seduction at its finest….sounds so crazy, it was out my reach to escape, i couldnt bare the thought of not having him although that was all i wanted was not to have him in my life…I survived, I can only thank God for doing it for me as I was not capable to do it myself…..I look at the loss of my over $30,000 as a college tuition to Life and that there is Human Evil that lurks amongst us.

Dear Zootowngirl,

My situation regarding the hear thief only lasted for about 8 months. It was just emotional for 5 months then got physical. So I did not have nearly as much time invested into the relationship as you. But when you say drinking the Kool Aid…..I have used that exact analogy many times to describe the control he had over me.

If all the information you are reading rings true…..you know what you have to do. When I start to doubt myself, I read Claudia Moscovicci’s blog. It puts it all into perspective and brings me back to reality. Another site you must read is brilliantdesguisedotme.wordpress.com. She is an amazing writer and you will gain great insight by reading her story.

Take care of you!!! Good luck!

Snow

Oh and Snowwhite, I am a healthy 51 year old, he is 33 bodybuilder, we met at the gym..i was flattered and he used the age difference to disguise the possibility of a love affair…
My husband and I are still together . a new appreciation for life has come with surviving this experience..I now go within myself instead of looking for healing on the outside…

Dear Alivetoday,

I am so sorry for what you experienced. I think the loss money is not as important as the loss of your life and soul. Have you heard kaie Perry’s new song “part of me”? It will make you feel better when you listen to it.
I felt the same way you are feeling. I can honestly say that week by week I feel stronger and am getting my life back.

The heart thief may have hijacked my heart and life for months, but I took control and got it back!!!! I hope you will to very soon.

Be happy!

Snow

Hi Alivetoday,

I am so happy to hear you and your husband survived. So there you have it…you won and he lost.

I am in my late 40s….he is 6 years younger chronologically anyway…lol
I’m sure he would have gotten me to move in with him securing the demise of my marriage and then cheated on me…..possibly spreading diseases with his chronic Narcisstic need for sex and affirmation…..and then dumped me.

I think in the end you and I have both won:))

Snow

Ugh, the IT was 5 years younger then me and also was a body builder. He had affairs with women 15 years older (and younger) then himself while we were together and men also. He didn’t discriminate.

All the similarities SPOOK me!

Yep….I’m substantially older than the exspath, too. I was the “safe mommy” and the cash cow. Once the cash cow went dry, “safe mommy” was figuratively laid to rest.

So…..looking back on what happened, and their subsequent behaviors (men AND women), does anyone believe that they might have met an untimely end if they had remained? Just curious – my feeling is that I would have probably suffered a sudden and unexpected “accident” or illness that would have resulted in my death. Just curious….

Brightest blessings.

Thank you Snowwhite…when I think of him, I think of Silence of the Lamb…i dont think he is far from this…it terrifies me now…I have to look at my masochistic codependent self and get myself right…and I am so excited and have already made progress!!

Woundlicker, it SPOOKS me so much too…. some other species perhaps?

also, i thought i was fooling myself, when i saw a 14 year old responding to him with such joy, love and gratitude on FB…i knew underneath, he was attempting to secure another victim..the girls mother blocked him, but the girl set up another FB profile to remain in contact with him. he then blocked me…I am getting sick…when i see how weak i was not taking any responsible action…..i thought i was building stories because of the jealousy i had that he intentionally created…playing one against another (other women that is)

At Panther, just read your add-on…my heart skipped a beat ..it is all so identical…exactly..He said he was a King/God,,others are just puny mortals, objects for his use..I remember how he signed an email in the initial romance phase..”Conquered King”..he always used music as well in his seduction..
Panther, i was ready to be a “sister wife” anything he wanted to keep our love alive..he didnt want “conventional”..you and snow white expressed the journey perfectly…

Donna wrote an article a while backk about the fact that many Ps are neither gay nor straight but will fark anything that will go for it, man, woman, child or animal….so taking yourself to bed with a psychopath is playing sexual roulette with all the chambers of teh gun loaded. Sometimes they will even KNOWINGLY SPREAD HIV or other diseases. So CARE is needed in many ways in dealing with these creeps.

My ex-spath was 9 years younger in dates… At first I thought he was more mature than his age, but that was part of his mask. Ugh. Mentally he turned out to be no older than a 5 year old.

Hello Everyone,

It just amazes me how all of your comments exactly match the behaviors I noticed. “Prince Charming” was not really the macho type. He is very soft spoken and to most people very quiet–silent but deadly. Never showed much emotion. At first he lied and said that he had only had protected sex with the women he was with. Eventually, when pressed for answers, he admitted to having unprotected sex. Yet he refused to get tested and put me in danger. When I told him I was getting tested and said that he should, too. I didn’t hear from him for days….this from the man who texted continuously day and night. That was the last straw. I realized that he would never be responsible and all responsibilities in life would be up to me to handle. He was very impulsive and given any attention to any woman, he would act on it.

Regarding the financial stuff–I am substantially more well off than he is. I never really thought that he might be using me for money. But after reading all the blogs, I’m certain that would have been an issue as well.

It’s also ironic….before we became involved, I would tell him he pretty much could have any women from 25+ and that he would find someone. We should remain just friends. He persisted that I was the ONE….his soulmate…his future wife….what a joke. Anyone is the one….that is anyone who will tolerate his cheating and controlling.

At one point he told me that he would have to monitor my texts and emails if I gave him cause. I thought he was joking. Total Control Freak. After talking with his ex….that is exactly what he did to her. He found out her passwords and would spy on her, all the while he was on dating website and hooking up with other women.

The pathetic thing is that he believes that “you women are all the same” He believes that he is the victim and always will. I truly believe he hates women.

Today we’re packing up our lives, getting ready for a house sale in which I will sell everything I own in order to survive the debt I’ve incurred while supporting him.

I’m in default on my student loans. I have no phone anymore because I was paying his bills (so that he wouldn’t be so stressed out) rather than mine. I moved him here a year ago, spent nearly $6000 doing so. And another $4000 keeping him fed/housed/comfortable. I paid his credit card bills, his student loans, his car insurance, his medical bills, for birthday presents for his nieces and nephews. I am on social security disability. My entire savings is gone. Not just depleted. GONE. I’m overdrawn about $80 and I’m out of 2 medications.

All this time, he’s been so….fragile. So exhausted. In so much physical pain. Just ask him, he’ll recite the litany of things that prevent him from looking for work…making any effort to participate in our relationship whatsoever. He said we needed to get roommates so that I would have help paying the rent. I agreed. The people he chose moved in. And he got even more abusive because (he says) the stress of living with people makes him anxious and irritable. We went round and round, for three years before he moved in, about whether or not he could commit to a future life with me. I was concerned that he lived too much in the past…that he couldn’t process his issues, let go, and move on in a positive way. Even on the day he moved I was worried…I had second thoughts. But I’d waited so long….had faith for so long…believed that if I was just patient enough, worked hard enough, proved my devotion and loyalty…he would choose me.

I don’t understand why I’ve agreed to be treated this way for so many years. It’s not who I ever was, as an adult. It’s complete childhood behavior for me…my first betrayer being my biological father. Last year, my wonderful loving step father died and I just…disappeared. I’ve realized now that his death opened some kind of door for my partner to walk through…and to exploit….and I’ve become that little girl who just wanted her dad to love her. The physical, emotional, verbal and sexual abuse that was part of the first 6 years of my life built that door…but I thought it was closed forever now. I did years of therapy to close it. I don’t understand how I could let it open again. I don’t understand how I could let this happen…because I feel like I need to be responsible…accountable…I’m not a victim. I volunteered for this.

But most of all, I don’t understand how someone who says they love me could be content to watch me flounder….and be buried under the debt and the pain and the loneliness. How can anyone be content to let that happen?

He made me give him all my passwords..email, phone, FB.my daughters number, my husbands number (to prove my loyalty to him)…he would always review my text messages and then pretend it was me texting my female friends to “see what was really going on”..
He said we were soul mates… but i believe we were soul mates but not human mates…our souls had work to do…so that I could evolve..so that I could gain knowledge and not be the naive girl who thought that everybody really has good intentions,,,(it took 3 1/2 years of torturous hell before i bottomed..the last year wanting to die to stop the pain)…in fact, in retrospect, i am thankful(try to be) for the experience…i am gaining self-esteem, self-respect, an identity, learning to trust my gut, be assertive and implement boundaries….of course, i wish i could of evolved without the psychopath but somehow this was the wake up call..the other little signs along my journey were not doing the job so i got the psychopath and he did it!! With this outlook, I was able to stay alive…to try to have some type of understanding, some sanity to the experience..it took so long for the obsession to stop and I fight it by replacing quickly an affirmation or a happy thought,,,,i hope all of it will be deleted from my emotions so that I may thrive 100%…lately, i cant sleep because i fear he will break in my house and attempt to hurt or kill me..he is very dangerous…i fear this, because i did rejected him on his attempt to reconnect……
thank you all for letting me purge..i wish i knew about this site before today, but hopefully, i will be able to aid another in their healing

Hi Zootowngirl,

When you google, “what do you call a person without a conscience?”, websites with the terms sociopath and psychopath pop up!

Those are the people who can be content with destroying others.

Picture yourself in the future….what do you see for your self? Capture the image of whatever that is…….it will be come a reality:)

Snow

To answer your question HOW? BEcause you are simply “supply” to him, just someone to provide for HIM. To hell with the fact that he has sucked you dry like a vampire!

Well, at least now you won’t have him to support! Take care of yourself. YOU DESERVE IT, he doesn’t.

The similarities continue. Ex spath stole passwords, spied, stalked, and totally hated women.

About psychopaths screwing man, woman, child or animal, I have one more to add. Do NOT read on if you don’t want too much information. Drum roll please……ex spath loved, er, how do I say this?….I’ll just say it, he loved going down on himself, releasing in his own mouth and sodomizing himself and emailing me the the pics. I wanted to laugh, barf, and cry at the same time. He thought that was the hottest thing ever.

I didn’t want to offend anyone or be so vulgar or inappropriate but it is cathartic to get out all the painful stuff little by little. I’m sorry.

There’s just so much crap I witnessed being with a spath that has affected me negatively. And that’s putting it mildly. I’m exhausted just thinking about IT for a few minutes. It wears me out.

Woundlicker,
Wow, now I’ve heard everything! So, it’s true that they CAN actually screw themselves….Lawdy.

I know, just insert joke here! I never told anyone that (how could I?), but I want so bad to purge everything. Truth is, I was so messed up being with a spath that it actually crossed my mind that I felt a bit jealous that he was so freakin’ limber! How wrong is that? Dang, there was nothing I liked about myself being around that soul eater.

Woundlicker,
Thank God you got away from this sicko! Count ya blessings! Just imagine the rage he’ll feel when he’s old and feeble and can’t do that particular trick anymore!

woundlicker:

Wow! How is that even possible? He had to be REALLY limber! Hahaha!!! Now I have heard it all! 🙂

I wondered the same thing…HOW?! And then I thought…GROSS!

That is a hilarious thought, his rage at not being able to do that when he’s older. It’s sad, pathetic, and funny as hell.

woundlicker,
lol!
there are so many comments I want to make.
none of them are appropriate.
lol!

I will say tho, that I understand the need to just expel the whole vile experience. I’ve done that here. Some of the long time LF members know more about me than they want to!

You’ve illustrated an important fact about spaths: if they can get away with it, they will do it. As my spath once projected at me, “you have no limits”. We all know that means “I have no limits.” That’s the definition of a spath.

Don’t I know. He made very suspicious comments about his own sister. I actually challenged him on that one by asking “who talks about their sister like that?” No limits is right!!!!’

“**sigh** it seems so much easier just to rescue a dog from the local shelter then deal with the complexity of human relationships in this day and age. Things have become so dangerous.”

silentstorm, I so agree with you! Ain’t it sad??

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