UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
What a powerful article! How true, the FALSE ones are everything you described. They do all the things you described, they build such a mirage that we think it is REAL when it is nothing but a picture of something that doesn’t exist.
sometimes we will throw away everything we hold dear to seek kafter that fantasy picture that they paint of this wonderful world that they will construct just fo rus.
When I think of this I think of what the Serpent told Eve in the Garden of Eden…that if she just ate the fruit she would be like a god and know the difference betwen good and evil…she had unfortunately to EXPERIENCE evil in order to understand what it was, but it cost her everything she held dear.
I hope that you and your husband were able to repair your marriage and home. I’m sorry you had to experience EVIL to understand it. God bless.
Wow I love that ending!
I’d like to add:
He is a God: You must believe in him without proof, or he will punish you. He promises salvation–or else, damnation. He convinces you that he is worthy of your unyielding love and adoration, and that any dissent is punishable with torture in the fires of Hell. He creates you. He makes you into his image and then demands your allegiance. There is no God but him. And this, he tells you, is love. This is the love of the creator of the universe, the omnipotent ruler of the heavens, the great determiner of your own fate and even the rightful claimant to the throne of Earth itself.
You find yourself believing in him like a religious zealot, ready to strap a bomb to your chest and blow yourself to smithereens just to prove to him that your love is real and pure, that you are worthy of this all-powerful, divine love. You humbly crash to the ground, on your knees, and put your clean face into the fresh dirt, tell him in your spattering mumbles that you are nothing without him, that you are his to command.
He hovers above you and says, with an echoing thunder, “No, you are not worthy. You do not love me enough.”
And then the day comes that the romance atheist in you comes forth to overcome the hopeless romantic you once were:)
This is. Exactly what happened to me. Tears…I left my husband and beautiful home with two children for a man I knew from age six and reconnected with at a time my marriage was in trouble. He did all of the above including looking into my eyes with that intent look Donna discribe’s and says”come grow old with me and be with a man that’s more in align with you” so I did. I trusted him like a brother with a 30 year plus histroy i thought OUR story was unique and beautiful..A GIFT..how naive.He continued to lie and manipulate me with his phoney divorce papers for 8 years. Where have I been. To hell and back. I asked himif he ever felt bad about ruining my marriage and he said NO i wanted you for me. Sick bastard.During that period of time I lost my job my children’s dad passed away from cancer and I also lost my dad. I felt like I just could not ome up for air. That evil man was happy because I was not focused on him so every time something happened in my life he bought more time. It’s been 5 months NC and everyday I am building myself back. I just have to forgive myself for being so blind. This site has taught me so much and now I get it..
Oh and the book betrayal bonds also helped a lot . I was left and abandoned by my mother at age 10. This man new my family all tht had happened and that I had issues from a child with abandonment and played it like a fiddle. You think these people are your best friend and tell them all your little secrets and they use them against you at your weakest moments. That book along with Donnas love fraud book has educated me and helped me see why I am attracted to all these abusive people in my life and through betrayal bonds why I stayed and trusted people who have betrayed me and earned zero trust. Thank you Donna. From someone who can’t afford therapy but have you and this site to turn to. The only thing now is I trust no one not even my own judgement right now as I have made so many wrong choices…
One more clue here this guy was a psychology major and very deep and smart. He studied me very well. All for his benefit. I never thought because of this old connection he would hurt me. Now I understand that was how I felt not him. He I learned is incapable. So I have to get over this illusion I built in my brain that Im miss knowing it was all FAKE…
DLM, I am so sorry that you feel for the fantasy–like we all did–but so GLAD that you ARE HERE and that you are working on healing yourself from the trauma.
It is okay not to trust yourself just yet…it takes time until you can build up your trust in yourself to keep your choices sound and yourself safe. Losing trust in OURSELVES to protect ourselves is I think one of the BIGGEST losses we have in all that we lose.
Learn to trust yourself one choice, one decision at a time. Small ones at first…then as you gain more confidence, as you heal more the bigger ones can come.
Thank you for sharing your story with us as well. It helps to share it, both helps us and helps you. Hang in there. God bless.
Thank you ox for your comment. At least I know what I’m feeling is completely normal. My biggest lesson that came from this “I am DONE with abusive relationships”. What betrayal bonds and love fraud taught me was every single man in my life has been abusive. So from now on its healthy or nothing for me. I am ok by myself. I just hope I recognize a healthy relationship when I see one..I’m Leary now and on my guard. Too old and can’t afford any more mistakes..
Thank you everyone for your feedback. I want you to know that I am detoxing from the heart thief, to put it nicely, and have had NC for one month! I confirmed all my suspicions by talking to two of his ex girlfriends, who graciously provided me with all the details regarding his lies and dysfunctional, predatory lifestyle.
My husband and I are working through things. I’m optimistic that this experience will make us stronger. I feel that therapists are not knowledgeable in the area of psychopathy. If it wasn’t for Donna and Claudia Miscovicci and and their amazing websites, I would still be in the dark. Another insightful, intelligent, and entertaining blog is Brilliant Desguise at WordPress. This woman’s story is so similar to mine it’s frightening. it has helped me immensely. I just ordered the new Red Flags book and can’t wait to read it. Knowledge is power and through the info I’ve learned…..you can be sure this will never happen to me again.
DLM, I definitely understand that, “too old now and can’t afford any more mistakes” LOL
I’m so “picky” about who I’d consider, I’m not sure such a man exists…the facts are that a man my age (65) can get a woman much younger than himself if he has much to offer. So for him to be “interested” in someone his own age is not going to be very likely (just the facts of the situation) and I’m not interested in any one 80 at this point in my life. LOL My husband was 15 years older than me, but we were 40 and 55 at the time, now 15 years would be 65 and 80, so I’ll pass on the 80 year olds. As it is, not any of the 70-ish guys appeal to me…the good ones are snapped up quickly and the ones that are left are pretty worthless. I even know only a few married guys that if they were single I’d have even baked, on a platter with an apple in their mouths! LOL
Finding someone kind, good, and honest, PLUS with your interests, a common educational level (more or less) common intellect etc is pretty difficult…but to find a single one in your area, your age range etc. is pretty much like winning the lotto when you get to be my age. LOL But that’s okay with me now, at first I freaked out “Oh my god, I’ll never have another man adore me””””” bwaaaaa bawwww oh, poor me! Oh, well, I’m over that now…being single is okay and in many ways I’m enjoying it. No one to account to.