Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite.”
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking”¦..one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist”¦ he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Skylar
Too funny. I’m on vacation in the Caribbean now and am wearing a bikini for the first time since I was a teenager….the best revenges ever
Prince Charming is with a single mother with money….naive….and an easier target. She may not catch on until she catches him in his many lies or gets a disease.
Woundlicker
I hope you come out of this a healthier more beautiful version of yourself:)
Do whatever it takes to come out if this a healthier more fabulous you!
Good for you, Snow. I might be the only woman who wears a THREE piece swim suit to the beach, no kidding.
I keep buying those Woman’s World magazines that say “Lose 20 pounds in two hours” but nothing has worked yet.
Woundlicker and Snow,
I gained it all back and more! Maybe I need to break NC. LOL!
Snow, good for you. you are inspiring me to get myself some exercise.
Woundlicker, Charlie Brown is a nice guy but I think a better name for you would be spathkicker. because you kicked his ass.
Skylar, how do you know me so well? I actually did beat the spath up good enough to draw blood. My neighbor saw me hitting him in my driveway and called the cops. She was just trying to help me it turns out, but the police said I did a good number on him.
I am not violent, I promise, but it was when I saw child porn on his phone and I went absolutely nuts, insane on him. The only reason he didn’t press charges was because I didn’t tell the police about what I saw on his phone. That was towards the end and we were gray rocking each other. It was long over but I kept hanging on thinking I could change him into a good person. I hated the thought that all my efforts would be in vain. I’m not proud of myself for punching him in the face but at least I know I have a fighting chance to defend myself if I had to.
Woundlicker/SpathKicker (love it), the exspath had me arrested for domestic violence after I found evidence of his violent sexual activities that included HUNDRED of photographs of playmates AND himself taken with the FAMILY digital camera (digital signature matched) on his computer, emails and websites to set up gatherings with people of his ilk, and other garbage.
Of course, this was in a region of the State where a 6’4″ cop wearing a kevlar vest could gun down his estranged wife (they were in divorce proceedings), inflict “defense” wounds upon himself that ER physicians clearly noted, and claim that he had NO choice but to use lethal force against a 5’2″ knife-wielding woman claiming self defense.
So, he is the “battered husband” and he’s milking it for ALL he’s worth – and, everything I was worth, too. The pig.
Oh my God, Truthspeak, I’m sorry to hear you went through so much. They truly are the pigs of all pigs.
I believe what goes around comes around and every last spath on this earth get their just desserts. Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going.
Woundlicker/SpathKicker, thank you for your encouragement.
Things happened the way that they did for “A Reason.” If he hadn’t set up the whole DV situation, he would have taken his time in leaving, plied me with hollow spath promises, and had ample time to go around and take hard documentation that he left behind in his haste. Oh, he didn’t leave the computer behind with hundreds of images on it because THAT was important to him. He DID leave behind lots of evidence that he simply forgot about.
Once he was gone and I got through the initial shock of the whole episode, I began to do research to discover just where my resources had gone. THAT was even more shocking that his double-life. That he perpetrated a Federal crime against me and cleanly walked away from it.
My reaction was completely against my character – there had never been a moment of violence throughout the entire relationship. Even arguments could be counted on 1 1/2 hands!
THEN, I began to think about just how he had set up the non-arguing part of the relationship: mom & dad argue ALL of the time and he hated it, so I didn’t want to cause him any more angst by arguing.
He knew about my previous marriage and promised, over and over, that he would “NEVER do those kinds of things” to me. Oh, he stuck to his convoluted promise of no physical abuse, but he had begun a strong campaign of crazy-making just about the time that my assets ran out.
What a long, long con. And, I hope that others can learn by seeing the Truths of my situation. Leaving the spath is the BEST thing we can do for our souls and our lives, but it is a dangerous and humiliating business, and we need to be prepared for EVERY sling and arrow.
Happy Easter, everyone, and brightest blessings.
FWIW, since some of you are talking about weight loss…. for some people, giving up ALL wheat in particular (and also reducing or eliminating other grains) results in weight loss, where previously the pounds had stubbornly remained.
I was skeptical but curious, and I tried this myself about 3 months ago and, in fact, it worked for me. I’ve dropped two sizes without exercising (I’m not against exercise, but I’m just not a gung ho exerciser). It was psychologically hard to give up wheat at first (wheat is in so many processed foods, so I gave up all processed foods, as well), so I told myself that it was a “temporary experiment” and I’d just see what happened. The rapid, immediate weight loss that resulted encouraged me to continue. BTW, if you do this, you have to increase the amount of fat in your diet (dietary fat is not what makes us fat, contrary to what is commonly believed).
I know this sounds like an infomercial — sorry. 🙂 I just hate to sit on this info if someone could use it.
Happy Easter everyone!
Truthspeak~
I’m glad you got away from that spath before he could completely destroy you, because I believe that is their ultimate goal. Leave a path of destruction. They do it so well.
I think it is meant for people like us to endure hell first so we can learn and we can grow from the experience. It is not like I will ever say ‘thank you, spath for ruining me’ but I feel blessed I got out of it and I know what direction to take now.
20years~ that wheat free diet was in one of my Woman’s World magazines and I have yet to try it because I eat tortilla’s like a starving sow. Other than that I eat healthy, but I am most definitely going to throw out the wheat and try this one out! Thank you for the info!
Happy Easter Everyone!
I haven’t had a computer for the last few weeks. Just picked up my laptop last night…was serviced. Glad to have it back.
I was substitute teaching in my town, and I was offered a “teacher’s aide” position at the high school where 2 of my girls attend. Its less money but I work everyday. I will do this for the remainder of the school year. I drive in (early..school starts at 7am!!!)…with the girls. So my hours are 7-1:30. I definitely need a nap when I get home..not used to early hours. lol
Anyway…my D has been home a few weeks now. She is sharing my bedroom with me right now…She has her clothes in my walk in closet with mine. I am getting a twin bed for my other D’s room for me to sleep in or my D…since my other D doesn’t want Me in her room! Ahhh!!
My border may be moving out in Sept. So, I won’t rent the room again. Then everyone here will have their privacy. D said she would help out with the mortgage if I give her the room back…so we will see….
I am awaiting therapy with her. There’s a waiting list here!
Raising teens in NOT easy.
I am concerned about all three of my girls happiness. D seems confused about many things…bored with school..doesn’t know what she wants to do..but, she seems happy to be home. And I am too.
Thanks everyone for your support during my terrible ordeal.
Happy Easter! NEW beginning….diet starts today!! lol