UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
skylar
Happy Easter Woundlicker and TobeHappy,
Tobe, that is good news. Keep up the good work. I’m proud of you for your efforts, I know it can’t be easy.
darwinsmom
Happy Easter, recovery and spiritual incarnation to everyone!
silvermoon
2b,
If your daughter is bored in school, and she’s a teen, ask about dual enrollment programs with the local junior college. She may be ready to move along. And its to her advantage to do it if she can because the district has to pay for college courses under those programs.
it sounds like having a routine for the next few weeks is going to be really good. And that figuring out how to move everyone into the best spaces is going to be helpful too.
Hang in there. Teens are as independent as they are needy. It isn’t easy to be one or to be their parent. But, in the long run it is a truly rewarding experience for you both.
I love that scene in Eat Pray Love when Julia Roberts is eating Pizza and says that she’s taken enough self loathing into the shower to last a lifetime….
Diet, Its what you eat. And a lot of daily decisions. Right now, I’m loving spinach with sliced strawberries drizzled in basalmic vinegar and old fashioned bread pudding with tons of nutmeg and a little rum….
Happy holiday to all.
tobehappy
Thank you Skylar and Silver…
Its crazy here because everyone needs their own space. My 14 and 16 yr old are used to having their own room and so is D …who is 17..and ME!! I get tired easily and need to recharge in MY room in MY bed watching MY tv.
So, tomorrow we are getting another twin bed for D to put in her sister’s room and maybe a room divider. Until my border moves out…its the only way to solve this problem.
She can keep her clothes in my closet and use one of my dressers…but we all seem to need our own space.
I am happy she is living back home. I missed her and she’s been fine. She is still quiet and bites her nails (I read its genetic)…and I feel sorry for her because she is a nervous girl…but, she will find her way in life….I’m sure. She’s very bright.
I realize now that the “text message terrorizing” was bad. Its always better to talk face to face. We both said a lot of terrible things in the months she was not living here…all via texts. Never again.
Saw The Hunger Games last night. Very sad. I hope the world doesn’t come to things like that.
Wow…evil does exist.
woundlicker
Skylar~ I hope you had an excellent day. 🙂
skylar
Thanks Woundlicker!
It was a peaceful Easter at home.
You sound so much better lately. It’s nice to “see your smile”.
woundlicker
I am feeling a lot better lately. You keep my spirits up. Thank you Skylar!!
somebodysdream
I would like to see blogs on how the ones that are under the radar ended up like Michael Brown of the Brown Hand Clinic. Knowing that there is justice would make forgiving a lot easier.
Truthspeak
Somebodysdream, I would like to direct you to such reports, but they are VERY few and far between. Garden-variety sociopaths, such as you read about on this site and others, are definitely under the proverbial radar and never experience consequences for their actions or the carnage that they create.
“Forgiveness” carries entierly too many connotations of excuse, enabling, and tolerance. “Moving on” might be a more appropriate term for my purposes.
Brightest blessings
BagLady
Wow, I didn’t realize until I read this post and the comments how many other people were in relationships when they met their s’paths.
Snow, you told my story. I was in a great relationship when I met The Bastard. He was a local radio personality and I was a fan. He was smart and funny and charismatic, and I thought he’d be fun to be friends with.
He insisted on more. He claimed he couldn’t possibly be just friends because our connection was just so amazing. Everything I said was brilliant, everything I was interested in was fascinating.
I have Asperger’s, but nobody had heard of that when I was a child. I spent the first half of my life being told there was something wrong with me. So when someone comes along who not only gets me but really, really likes me, I treat it like a gift from above. It’s fate, it’s destiny, we’re meant to be. And The Bastard did a great impression of someone who was seriously into me.
I decided I must have picked wrong all those years ago and The Bastard was The One. Just as soon as I agreed to give him what he was asking for, though, the love bombing stopped.
I became an object of ridicule on and off his radio show. In the beginning he raved about my “beautiful eyes,” which happen to be very large. After he lost interest in me, I was a “bug-eyed freak.”
I spent the next 18 months trying to get through to him, to find the magic key that would reopen his heart and reawaken the man who had been so into me. It took years after that for me to realize he’d been lying the whole time.
The miracle is that my good man — make that GREAT man — and I are still together. He stuck with me through the whole ordeal. We have some lingering trust issues … he’s not convinced there’ll never be another Bastard. But I am. I now know why I fell for him and won’t make that mistake again.
Oops, I didn’t mean to write a book here. It happens when I read something that resonates with me after all this time. Hugs to you all!