Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite.”
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking”¦..one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist”¦ he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Yay. Baglady! I love reading posts from people who have gotten away from a sociopath and stayed with someone who truly loved them. I’m sure you are realizing you truly love the one you are with.
Dear Lady, (I refuse to call you Bag lady) I too am glad that your man stayed with you, and that you saw the light! good for you both!
I’m sorry you had to learn your lesson the hard way, but you explained it very well and “shiat happens” is what I say, but I am sure like you that in your case it will not happen again for you!
TOWANDA for you and glad you found your way here! Keep on reading and learning. It does help us to safeguard ourselves.
Lady (un-bagged), I am so sorry that you had those experiences. Welcome to this healing site and fount of knowledge.
I echo TOWANDA for you, and brightest healing blessings.
Snow White could have been writing about my second husband of 10 years. Except that I was living alone and running a successful business until he came on the scene, and stole my life from me.
Its 2 years since I worked up the courage to leave him – like a thief in the night, leaving what was left of my worldly possessions behind me. I had to have my cats put to sleep, I could not pay the vet for this, and had to borrow money and then give some possessions in exchange.
I come to this website all the time to read the stories. Some days I am OK, but lately, I am just so DESPERATE, so BLOODY HOPELESS. I am crying now. I just dont feel I can go on anymore. I am 59 years old in a few days. From owning 2 houses and cars and a successful business, I lost it all to this bastard. I am just too old to start again. i am working as a housemaid, cooking and cleaniing for a single man who wants to start dating again after his divorce and tells me I am in the way now. I have no where to go and no one to turn to. what is the point? I am in hiding from the banks as he got me into debt, which is so huge I will never be able to repay it. I dont even use my own name anymore. I am in a new part of the country, I have no friends. I am not crying for my lost things that I worked so hard to get, its my loss of a HOME that is killing me. I cant even rent a place because I have bad credit. I did some internet research about the best way to commit suicide, and found that it was car gassing that was the most painless. Then I find out that these new cars have cataletic converters, so I must try to get that off ( of my boss’s ) car first, and then find a place where no one will disturb me before its all over. So many problems. I dont know how you all cope. I am a mess, and I am on anti-depressants as it is. I look at at all these couples, old and young and wonder why why – why them and not me? I would turn to alcohol to dull the pain, but I cant afford to buy it! This pain will never go away, will it? this terrible loss. I have never loved anyone like I loved this man, and he was not who I thought he was. All smoke and mirrors.
Poppyfields, I am sorry that you’re experiencing this – I am sorry that anyone experiences the carnage of sociopathy.
While giving up seems the easiest route, I assure you of one fact: you are unique in all of the world and a precious and valuable piece of this great wide Universe. I believe that we have ALL felt like giving in and giving up – I sure as hell have.
You were married to this loser? Did you get a divorce? Have you considered declaring bankruptcy? Yes, I know that it’s a despicable alternative, but it’s sometimes the only relief. Did the spath do ANYTHING that can be proven with documentation: forging personal checks, etc.? Have you contacted the local department of Social Services?
There is no answer as to “Why?” In no religious or philosophical writings can it be found to read, “Life is Fair.” Life isn’t fair – neither is there fairness in court cases. But, coming to the understanding of what we’ve experienced and that the PREDATORS that we loved never, ever existed is a long, hard process. Realizing that you are not alone and that, even though life isn’t fair, you are valuable is a power in its own right.
Nearly everyone posting on this site has lost – homes, vehicles, GOOD jobs, and their own children – to sociopathy. It then becomes a choice: give up and the spath WINS; or, fight the despair and frigging WIN.
What you loved was an illusion, just as the rest of us did. This pain will pass on to anger. Then, on through the rest of the grieving process. It’s hard, but it’s survivable and you are capable of this – you can do this.
Brightest healing blessings to you.
Poppy,
This is the time when people find their greatest strengths and blessings.
You can go on. But you’re going to have to look at the pain you express objectively.
It isn’t all of who you are.
And the rest of you probably has some better ideas.
Call your county mental health hotline and make a new friend.
Then, write and tell us about it.
I bet you will be glad you did.
Dear Poppyfields,
BTW suicide by carbonmonoxide poisoning is NOT painless…you don’t just go to sleep and not wake up….the carbon monoxide binds to your blood cells so they can’t get oxygen but you will get the HEAD ACHE AND THEN MUSCLE ACHE FROM HELL. I was accidently poisoned by my heating unit with carbon monoxide when it mal functioned and almost killed us all….and the head ache woke me up, and woke my son up, but we were almost paralyzed as well and couldn’t think or move….it is NOT a painless way to go.
Now that settled….while you feel desperate to find a way “out” there are ways out. I’m 65 and I had to leave my home, live in a recreational vehicle in hiding because my psychopathic son ‘s hired killer was after me. I learned that STUFF isn’t worth anything. WE are what is worth something.
Call a women’s shelter in the nearest bigger town/city near you and see if you can get some help and/or advice from them.
From what I can gather from your post you are living with this guy keeping house and cooking for him and now he wants to have women over and you are in the way so you need to find a place to live. Do you have a car? Do you have any other job besides keeping this guy’s house? sometimes there are ads in the paper about live in caregivers wanted for the frail elderly. that might be a place to start. room and board and a small salary.
Most of all stay in touch here. There is support, you are NOT alone.
Dearest Poppyfield:
YOU CAN GET THROUGH THIS. We are all here for you. I lost everything also…. two houses, furniture, lots of money and the worst of all my precious children. I too was devistated.
I realized that it is all just stuff. My children, hopefully will learn the truth at some point. Put your trust in people and in hope. My life is very different than I had imagined, but I am here to talk to you about it. I had days, and nights like yours. I prayed looked at those who truly had less then me.
Just imagine those who do not know about this site and have us to help them. You, too, will be there to do this for someone in the future. You are important, you are special and make a positive difference in the lives of the people who see you everyday.
You must fight or he will win. None of us want that to happen.
I was picking up my son’s prescription at clinic. As I was walking toward the exit, a young guy said hello. It didn’t click at first. I then turned and saw this young guy with dark eyes and hair looking eagerly at me. I said hello and walked out the door.
The old me would have been so flattered by this attention by this good looking young guy. The new me say’s Hell NO! Another stray cat looking for a new home.
How do I know he is looking for this? Cause I am not emotionally healthy yet. Stray cats see that uncertainty, and they target it like a heat seeking-missile.
Poppy,
think back on your life to all the times when you were at your gloomiest and were tired of it all. Then remember the miracles that pulled you out. If you had ended it then, you would’ve missed out on those. There’s another one around the corner.