Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite.”
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking”¦..one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist”¦ he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Poppy,
It is horrible when you feel like you have to start all over from scratch again, and the older you get the more unfair it seems… all the time, effort and learning you invested in creating a life, and then BAM everything gone (AGAIN!). We all here have felt this way at least once in our lifetime. It sure ain’t picknick.
I was thinking about this just the other night. Maybe it’s because now I’m heading closer to the number 40. And I start to kinda feel like a Passenger. Life keeps on rolling, before we were born and will keep on rolling after we’re gone. And we only get this one ride, to not just watch it and take pics of it, but also to experience it… including a whole shitload of crap. We didn’t ask for the ticket on this trainride called life, and we sure didn’t ask for the trainwrecks, but we also get to see loads of marvelous stuff.
You built a lifetime on your security, and now it’s gone for you. You’ve been ejected out of your comfort zone and right smack into panic zone. It hurts like hell and it’s incredibly frightening. First of all, when you deal with a panic zone, you need to get yourself first in some type of comfort zone: stuff you can do automatically without thinking. Also, it’s also an opportunity to do some exploring.
Though I’ve had several mishaps in my comparably young life that threw it upside down and all my plans were for naught and had to start anew… those are also the chances to actually START FRESH, a total new chapter (every decade or so). It’s like you get a chance to be 18 again (but in an older body AND a whole lot SMARTER). Is there anything, anything, that you might enjoy doing or trying… something your house payments and car payments and previous business kept you from doing?
Last summer I felt a total loser: no job, no love, rattled brain, seemingly unable to do what I was trained and talented in. I had a trip in Peru, and I cherished every moment in the Amazon in a canoo, but also crying over the dead marsh life back at home I’d eventually had to return to. I started little creative proejcts once back home (I had the time for them now anyway), just to do something with my days in a way that made it enjoyable. And I started studying (a new master from scratch) and doing routines (whether I was stuck at home anyway). And as I went along, I realized that without my life having gone in the drainpipes I’d never have decided to study again, and yet now it’s an integral part of my new life, and I love it. It simply created a future for me I had never considered before.
My best friend used to be a freelance copywriter, and he owned an apartment. But with the crisis since 2008, he almost had no jobs, and he couldn’t find a job when applicating, always ending up i the last round, but not the job itself. He’d do some interims, but it hurt whenever he had to go. He was depressed. Meanwhile his debt of taxes and such he had to pay had risen so much that he couldn’t even pay off the intrests on it anymore. He had sold his apartment with profit and payed a large chunk of his debts, but without job it rose quickly again. He couldn’t get unemployment money either, because he had been independent. Couple of months ago he decided to file for personal bankrupcy. For 5 years a lawyer settles his debts and gets his pay or surivval money, and just gives him a limited budget to live on. He had feared doing this for ages, but once he did it, it set him free. He finally landed a job in a company which he enjoys a lot. So, yeah, for the next 5 years he’s not at liberty to do with his money what he wants… somebody else controls it. But after those 5 years, he’s free and free of any debt. It just took a whole lot of his shoulders that weighed him into a depression where he felt paralized and got nowhere.
I think this is your best option: file for bankrupcy, file for divorce, get social aid instances to get you back to your feet, and you’ll be able to use your identity again and applicate for an official job where you can use your talents. You only have this one ticket for life, and just as much as it can be a wreck it can be a miracle around the corner. But you need to give yourself that chance.
Jeannie, GOOD FOR YOU! You are right in that sometimes stray cats can seek out a vulnerable person like a heat seeking missile.
It does make us feel good when someone appreciates our looks, but at the same time, we don’t have to let that appreciation allow us to “fall for” their re-homing attempts.
Right now, taking care of yourself when you are still wounded and healing is your number one thing! Too many times people who are wounded and hurting try to “heal” that wound with another relationship. It doesn’t work, we pick up stray cats! Heal and THEN find a good relationship! I picked up the stray cat after my husband died because I allowed myself to fall for the poor cat! Good for you!!!!
http://www.sott.net/articles/show/149774-Romeo-s-Bleeding-When-Mr-Right-Turns-Out-To-Be-Mr-Wrong
A supplement to SnowWhite’s SPOT-ON descriptions! The link above talks specifically about MALE spath tactics on their elaborate setups. Very accurate, and very, very chilling.
Brightest blessings.
I don’t know where else to go…who else I can talk to. I’ve become so isolated from my friends. I have no family. He’ll be awake in a few hours and I just don’t understand why I don’t have the skills to resist what he does to me. What’s wrong with me?! This is not who I am! I wouldn’t let anyone else treat me this way. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
Yesterday I thought to myself, “In a few more days we will both be packed and our break up will be over. He’ll go his way and I’ll go mine. It will finally be over.” This is the 3rd time I’ve tried to leave him and we never progressed this far before, so I had hope. Then he said, “Can I sit with you while you pack? We haven’t talked in a few days.” I said yes, and 8 hours later I was curled into the fetal position on the couch crying while he covered me with a blanket and stroked my head saying, “You’re just tired. This whole process has exhausted you. Maybe we can figure some things out tomorrow. I love you baby. Try to get some sleep.” Then he went to bed and I just laid there feeling my sanity sort of slip away.
I feel like there’s no reason to try anymore. I thought it would take this time. I thought I would be able to follow through with leaving him. I was sad…but I knew it was the right thing. I knew it was the healthy thing. I could see past the pit-of-my-stomach feeling over the idea of being apart and into a future where I got to direct my own actions again…the way I did before we met 4 years ago. I could see a life where no one called me names or used affection like a reward system. I could see a life that wasn’t ruled by someone else’s hostility and paranoia and hypochondria. I can’t say I don’t love him. But I’m willing to say that I might be addicted to him instead. I love who I THOUGHT he was…which is why I initiated the break up to begin with. I love who he told me he was, not who he turned out to be. I’ve waited 4 years for him to turn into the person he says he is…4 years to see him finally engage in life, look for a job, stop leaving all the work of driving our relationship forward to me, 4 years for him to make plans farther ahead than what to watch next on television, 4 years to keep a promise…ONE PROMISE. But he can’t see me. He can’t. He says that I’m throwing away a perfectly good relationship….BECAUSE I’M NOT PATIENT ENOUGH!!! He says if I’d had more faith or had a more positive attitude we would be fine. All I can think is, “You cannot see me. You cannot see me at all.” And today…today I actually feel completely invisible. So much so that I can’t think of a reason why I should keep trying. I honestly can’t. I read and read and read your posts. I even made 2 of my own on more positive days. But I feel like I’m watching other people live lives that I don’t understand and can’t have. You all sound so on top of things and so comfortable in your realizations. After yesterday, all I can think is that I’m crazy. I’m literally losing my mind. He has so many explanations and excuses and refutations for the things I think and feel that I can’t tell where he ends and I begin. I can’t hold my ground against him. I simply can’t. And that disgusts me. When did I become this person?
I want to keep packing. I want to keep packing and put my things in storage and just run. Actually, I’d settle for having my clothes and my Service Dog. I don’t care about anything else anymore. I just want to get on a bus or a train or a plane and go somewhere…anywhere…and be away from the pain of feeling like I’m losing my mind. He makes everything I think and feel sound as thought it’s based on mistakes and misunderstandings. Whenever I bring up something I’m feeling he says, “Yes. I know how that feels.” and proceeds to tell me about what I’ve done that makes him feel that way. There is no room for me in this fight. No room for me in this relationship. I’ve sold everything I own. I’ve given him the money from that sale so that he can leave. I’ve terminated the lease. I’ve packed his things for him (although he unpacked them to make sure they were packed the right way). We have 14 day s to clean and be out of the house. I don’t think I can make it. I just don’t think I can make it.
Zootowngirl, you’re just working through this like we all have. Leaving is that most difficult time of all.
He is going to say whatever he can to hold onto his source and victim. Whenever you feel like you want to talk yourself into believing his bullshit, READ THE LINK to “Romeo’s Bleeding.” It will chill your blood to ice.
Brightest healing blessings to you.
Truthspeak:
Thank you so much for that link. I have bookmarked it.
Hi Zootowngirl
Please be strong. This guy is destroying you. I know the feeling of being under the psychopathic spell….so F***** Up! The sooner you get away from him the sooner you’ll see the forest through the trees.
I’m on an iPhone so it’s really hard to write. I’ll respond to you tomorrow when I’m at my desktop. Is there a way to confidentially give you my email address?? My account name reveals my name to I can’t post it.
Talk to you tomorrow.
zootown girl,
The one mistake you made is listening to him. Do not listen to him, whatever words he says are lies, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, get OUT EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR DOG AND GO TO THE NEAREST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE SHELTER. In fact, call the DV shelter today and see if they will send someone to help you pack and keep you safe while you do.
Don’t listen to him, don’t talk to him. GET OUT, GET TO SAFETY, you can do it, you must do it for yourself and your own safety. THIS TIME IS IT!!!!
Zootowngirl,
we are not all sitting here on top of the world.
We are in pain, or we wouldn’t be here.
It is painful to be sitting here in reality while the spaths just make a new reality whenever it suits them.
That is part of the addiction, we become accustomed to living with magicians who control the fabric of space and time. It’s like living with a god. When things go badly and we are crying, we always know that the spath can make it better. What we didn’t know, was that the spath made it better because he was the CAUSE of making it worse to begin with.
They are the cause of the highs AND the lows. Getting away from them is like breaking an addiction and having to live in reality.
Reality is dependent on US now. It was easier to just work a magic spell, back when I lived with the mythological creature. But you can do it.
Skylar – you’ve got THAT right!!!! Spot-on, 100%.
OxD, yes – I escaped a similar situation with the first exspath, and I did it without seeking help from the people who can render it!
Zootowngirl: http://www.ndvh.org Get the hell OUT. I can’t promise that it’s going to be easy. I can’t promise that it’s not going to take some really hard work. I CAN PROMISE YOU THIS: you will NOT get many more chances. Get the hell OUT.