Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite.”
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking”¦..one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist”¦ he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
I just wanted to say thank you to all you wonderful people on this site. when I first read your letters of encouragement to me, I was just so overwhelmed that I could not reply. I think I am feeling so bad right now, as the whole 10 years with him is just playing over and over in my head – I keep hitting on incidents where I should have KNOWN what he was – if only I had spent time thinking about these incidents. So many if onlyies – and such a waste of time thinking about them. I started to write these warning signs down, but there were so many and many since that I have foiund out – all the lies and stealing and everything, that it made me feel worse! thanks you all. I am here just about every day to get strength to carry on. thank you thank you. xxxxxxxxxxx
poppyfields,
It’s TOTALLY NORMAL that you have series of TRIGGERED MEMORIES, where you suddenly realize what that moment meant and how much it actually damaged you, while at the time you weren’t aware of it at all. It is a painful process, but it actually is evidence that you are HEALING.
The spath hypnotisation enhances dissociation within a victim: you see one thing (something bad or alarming) but feel pacified as if nothing really bad is going on, and the induced feeling won every time… But the pain and shock was there, just not experienced at the time of the past incidents.
Because of NO CONTACT and being OUT of the situation, your mind and body finally has the space and room to associate events and your observations with the feelings. There is no spath around anymore to lull you back into a false sense of “everything’s ok,” or trick your feelings or mind into disbelief of what happened.
The important thing to know is that you cannot heal without knowing AND feeling how much you were wounded, betrayed and wounded. So, you are now experiencing the pain and shock you would have felt at the time it actually happened, if he hadn’t MANIPULATED and HYPNOTISED you. Once you know and feel your past hurts, you can finally weep and cry and be angry over what he did, and mourn your past.
It is very important at this time to realize that what you are going through is a PERFECTLY NORMAL PROCESS and to learn about SPATHS so you can understand how they are able to make a victim betray himself or herself. If you know how they do it, you’ll see and understand that you weren’t stupid (but trusting, honest, and true to your social values and beliefs) and eventually will be able to forgive yourself for allowing someone to do what he did to you.
its me again. You all make such sense. you have all been and are going through what I am going through. I cry while I read your posts. I have meet so many other people who have been victims, I tell them all about this website. reading the posts is like having a veil lifted from my eyes everytime. I am in South Africa. There are no social services. Too many people, too little money spent on it.
I am looking for another job, but the economic climate is bad in this country too.
But, I will keep on trying. You are right about wanting to replace the bad relationship – I often look at men in the shopping centres – who are around my age and wonder if they could be the one to “rescue” me. Why the need to be rescued? I have had it ever since I left my spath. Its my need and desperate need to be cared for – I did all the caring with my spath, I know now. Anything to keep the peace.
I was wondering the other night. Could sociopaths perhaps be the “normal” ones in the world? so many people dont seem to have empathy anymore, it’s all me me me, and use , use, use, and take what you can, while you can.
Mags, that is exactly what my spath did to me and my family and they dont speak to me anymore either, even though, I did pay them back from a UK savings account I had that my spath did not know about.
Blessings to you all.
Darwinsmom – really? is that what is happening now? well, it makes sense. I never thought of it like that before. thank you. xx
Poppyfields,
All of us, independently of the duration or financial diamage, have gone through post traumatic triggering of memories. I had several months of on and off nightmares, and now about a year later, I sometimes suddenly remember something I couldn’t explain at the time, so I shelved it then, and then now I realize what it was about.
This blog is a PERFECT way to deal with them. As you interact and read you’ll recognize tactics and events. So, in a way it will speed up the amount of memories you’ll have. But this is one of the sole environments where you can talk freely about them, without anyone telling you, “it’s been x amount of time now, and you’re still thinking about what he did to you? Get over it!” People who haven’t experienced something as dissociative as we have cannot understand that we need to remember and process and express our new insights in order to actually get over the past and heal from it. They don’t understand you cannot heal as long as you haven’t allowed yourself to feel and admit to all the stuff that happened (and with spaths there’s ALWAYS A LOT OF STUFF). Many here will recognize and affirm your experiences as similar to theirs, and you’ll experience the same recognition… it WILL HELP you to realize that what you are going through and how you dealt with it at the time is PERFECTLY NORMAL.
Here’s a question for you all: how many of your spaths have been in individual therapy for many years? I’m talking about individual talk therapy more than I am about taking medications. And I’m talking long-term therapy…. like decades.
I ask because both my ex-husband and my sister have had this pattern. Decades of therapy with no change whatsoever.
I am not sure what is typical. I have had therapy, too, but with a beginning, middle and end — and goals, and termination once goals have been reached.
I am wondering why someone who is a sociopath would want to enter therapy and stay there for so long. If they fear exposure, wouldn’t it be a charade? Or do some of them want to get better?
Are there any therapists on this forum who can answer this question?
20 years, Therapy makes them worse, they learn the techniques and use them against their victims.
Poppyfields, I was in your country in the 1960s, Durban and the animal reserves north of it….I did wild life photography. I love your country it is very beautiful, but I know there have been some changes with drug culture taking over the inner cities. Sorry to hear that there are no social services that would help you.
What ever you do, don’t totally despair, you are NOT alone in what you are going through. Every person here on LF has been through the betrayal and the devastation, the devaluing and the discarding that is part and parcel of the wounds they do to us. God bless (((hugs))))
Poppy,
Princes in Shining armour are myths. But, there are a lot of cluster B personalities parading around pretending to be them.
A man is not an object. He is a person. One who can no more possess you than you he and rescues are wildy uncommon without pathological strings attached.
You need to rescue yourself first.
The first step in picking up the pieces is to sit down and give yourself a good talking to.
Tell yourself all the GOOD things about you. And don’t spare any little thing.
Tell the bad stuff and the sad stuff they aren’t invited to this conversation.
And then repeat it over and over to yourself.
That’s for starters. If there isn’t anyone around to do it for you, then help yourself.
You’re going to have to have an arsenal to fight the fear, guilt and self loathing you shouldn’t have to bear.
You were fooled. It comes down to that. It was intentional on his part/ innocent on yours. The spath left a lot of damage in its wake. But, you don’t have to own it.
You just have to pick up the pieces and rebuild.
You might look at it as a grand opportunity in life!
Think of how to tell YOUR story with you as the heroine.
Because you are. You are alive. You are away from him and you are free to do something wonderful and amazing.
I know you can.
Poppy, when my husband died in an accident, I was totally devastated and felt old, fat, wrinkled, and unlovable. I wanted someone to rescue me, make me feel better. Guess what, along came a SPIDER and sat down beside me and told me all the things I wanted to hear….and I thought I had been rescued from my grief, only to find that I had been given a BIG HELPING of more grief and pain. A psychopath had spotted my need to be rescued and put his foot in the door and then his whole body and ripped apart what was left of my heart.
Now I am alone, but no longer lonely. I am content with myself. I am happy with myself. I finally realized that I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. I can be happy with myself. If I find another happy person to share that with, fine, if not FINE as well. You can too.
When we feel like we are sinking and drowning we reach out for a log floating by and it turns out to be an alligator…just SWIM for the shore, you can make it, I promise you! God bless.
About them gators ox, boy howdy and Amen!