Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite.”
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking”¦..one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist”¦ he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Silver, back when I was living in the RV and ruminating about how miserable my life was….an analogy came to my mind (I think I think in analogies) but anyway.
I thought about my kids and how when they were little if we had been in a boat that sank, I would have done my best to put them on my back and swim, even if I sank in the process, I would have done my best to keep their heads above water.
However, as things turned out, they were perfectly capable of swimming for themselves, but they were INSISTING on riding on my back because they didn’t want to swim for themselves.
Since they were adults they had no right to demand that I carry them on my back…and when you got down to the bottom of the analogy, they had chopped holes in the bottom of the perfectly good boat and sunk it, and THEN demanded I carry them on my back. Even when I was drowning Patrick would crawl up on my back and push my head under.
WHAT THE HECK WAS I THINKING when I kept on letting him do that to me? What was I thinking when I allowed my egg donor to do the same to me? When my stepfather was dying, I did everything in my power to make his death a peaceful one, to do for him the things he COULD not do for himself. He never demanded anything from me, I gave him all I had willingly and freely, and he did for himself what he could do. Not the egg donor, she demanded I do for her what she was capable of doing for herself, even at the detriment of my own life.
After my husband’s death and my stepfather’s death, I was wrung out…and that was when I grabbed for the “log” that tuned out to be the alligator. I wanted someone to rescue me. I was TIRED and didn’t have the energy I thought to swim for myself, so I tried to take the easy way out and hold on to that log…While I realize that it’s hard to swim when we are tired, we just have to float til we regain our strength, but in truth, our obligation is to save ourselves.
Yes, Ox, it is true. They make holes in the boats that float’em for sure.
I know that I grabbed on to that ole gator. What a charmer he was to me. After 15 years with an N, the P came along and made me think… well, I wasn’t thinking clearly!
I paid a high price for it too. Just like everyone else.
Hell, I’m lucky to still be alive! Its a long and ugly story. But you know and most of us know that in the end what we brushed up with was not a good thing or anything we thought is was. Particularly not a rescue, not a Prince, not THE ONE or anything else you want to call the self promoting varmints.
I am grateful for every next day with my dog who does faithfully as you describe, curl in the curl of my legs when we sleep. Although mine growls if I roll too much…. He does get annoyed. And he steals the blankets!
I hope Bud comes back. Sometimes hounds just roam. I know from what you describe he didn’t leave with intent to go away from you. he jes sorta went.
Well, in the country, sometimes they do. And sometimes they come back.
I hope that for you and Bud.
Thanks, Silver! I’ll try to keep some hope alive! I’ve just sat here at the keyboard and cried and cried….thinking really about all the buckets of tears I shed that summer I got him…D’s hound dog won’t eat, he had to hand feed her tonight to get her to eat.
Well, I think I am off to bed, it is midnight and my leg is telling me I need drugs and to go to bed and prop it up with an ice pack.
You guys have been wonderfully supportive in my “hour of need” and you don’t know just how much I appreciate it.
A burden shared is halved and a joy shared is doubled! good night
😥
(((Oxy)))
I hope your doggy comes back.
The perfect con man:
My ex is a spath – we all know that – his family told me also. He lies, cheats, does what ever is necessary to get what he wants.
I have just discovered that he is living in a 1.1 million dollar home with his girlfriend – a recent widow. This guy lied to the US government for his CDL license and now weaseled his way into living in this house.
She has 4 children – all older – and I hope they keep an eye on the situation for their $$$ interest. As stated before – they look for perfect targets – and this is the golden goose….
Some years ago her house was shown on a paranormal show and believed to be haunted. Seems she had a bad relationship with her mother and it appears that her mother’s ghost resides in the house making life unbearable. The actual synopsis of the show was that her mother did not want her, made it known to her and still haunts the house. This is how sociopaths steal your heart – she has a low esteam of herself and that is how he moved in.
Now she has purchased a multi family house in her name for $80k in his town. True, buying foreclosed homes now and fixing them up can be profitable – but he is using her money and if they were to break up (which I know he would never want to leave his “golden goose” – he could get a piece of the profit since he put his time and effort into fixing up the house.
These evil people who prey upon us – they have no conscience, no love, only ME ME ME. Actually when we used to go places and he would talk to people – it was always I, I, I – even though I may have been active in what he was conversing about.
I feel this womans mother is still haunting her – and now she has gotten the ultimate revenge.
Oxy – I feel so bad about your dog – I know how I depended on my dog when things were bad – they are such wonderful companions. I hope yours returns.
OxD, I missed what happened to your pooch! Did it run off?? Pets are priceless….I hope this has a happy ending for you!!! HUGS
Thanks for your comments donna and truth, and sky, Still no sign of the Bud-Dog, and I sure do miss him. Been kind of a bad week last week….and with the “titty pink” cast I have on now things are kind of crazy around here. I had on MATCHING titty pink shorts yesterday when son d and I drove threw town to a friend’s farm on the other side of town to pick up a Scots Highland calf that he had been training for Ox-hood and I had on the pink shorts to match my cast, and my son LAUGHED BIG TIME AT THE WIDE SWATH OF PINK….but on the way back through town his biological family called and said they were coming through town to take us to dinner….so he dropped me off at a clothing store to find something to wear over the cast that would be presentable and there would not be any “People of _____” dot com (put in the name of the place we ate) with pictures of this fat old woman in pink shorts and a pink cast! LOL
Gotta laugh at something and looking in the mirror usually makes me laugh a LOT!
Oxy,
Sorry to hear your dog did not come back yet.
You’re too funny! The pink cast and all…How long do you have to have the cast on for? So, you broke your ankle? UGH
I sure would like to have one of those white kittens. Is it possible to mail a cat?
OxD, I’m so sorry that Bud hasn’t returned….HUGS