Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite.”
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking”¦..one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist”¦ he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
G1S whatever works! I wish I could define it. No matter what “words” I use they seem to be inadequate to me to describe it. I can almost SEE it though. It is less than it was when I first got home, it covered most of the farm except my little “hole in the woods” but it has gradually shrunk in size as I have become stronger.
Oxy,
Yeah. I get it. The pain is total, or not. And we have to chose.
The black cloud is the shame, or slime.
THANK YOU OXY. I needed it spelled out.
Together, they are quite a doozy.
My spath once said that he is going to ruin my life.
Oh yeah? I dont think so.
F*cker.
Athena
Goldie i am sorry i. Didnt see your post. I will read for it tomorrow. New people are always welcome here. I am glad you are here.
Since the thread how did he really feel and what did he want from me got closed seconds after i posted i am defitanly unsubscribing from this site not even the person who runs it cares to say anything its like you all have certain ppl you talk to and screw the rest when they came here for help wow thanks alot hope this site helps you ill lool else where
I dont even know if u can read anything i wrote now the thread got closed
Oxy,
I don’t mean to add to your work load, but perhaps in the future, you could write a little essay on “Dr. Frankl and the baby’s binkie?”
The first time I read it, it really accelerated my healing, so Thank You so much for that. Prior to reading your “Dr. Frankl and the baby’s binkie”, I had felt that my pain was unjustified compared to other people’s stories, which were so much worse than mine. So, then I felt shame & guilt about my suffering, which was counterproductive because I believe we need to acknowledge our pain, sit with it for a while, look at it, mourn our loses and grieve. IMO, if we don’t do that, we can’t move thru the pain and beyond the pain.
Oxy, I would call this “bad vibrations”:
“The “black cloud” is more difficult to explain. I actually FEEL it over my egg donor’s house sometimes and I do NOT like to go near her home on the other end of the farm unless I have to”
Sounds like you get a bad vibe from your egg donor. I get that from my sibling, so I try to stay as LC as I can.
Here’s a video that’s not 100% on point, but talks about what we can do when we get bad vibes from other people.
“How to stop absorbing other peoples energy”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oyap0KBouP0&list=PLB263611AA815A5BF&index=1&feature=plcp
Goldie, I posted to you yesterday i think, so I’m not sure why you are so upset.
Clair, I will try to do just that….thanks for the suggestion. I will dig out my dr. Frankl book and refresh my mind on it and see if I can’t come up with an article.
You know what you said about “I had felt that my pain was unjustified compared to other people’s stories, which were so much worse than mine. So, then I felt shame & guilt about my suffering, which was counterproductive because I believe we need to acknowledge our pain, sit with it for a while, look at it, mourn our loses and grieve. IMO, if we don’t do that, we can’t move thru the pain and beyond the pain.” That is EXACTLY what I felt when i was reading his book….I felt like I didn’t have a right to feel that much pain as compared to spending YEARS IN A NAZI PRISON CAMP, my “losses were nothign” and I felt GUILTY about feeling that much pain until I read what he said about pain and it acting like a gas.
Reading his book ALLOWED me to feel my pain and my losses without guilt for doing so.
The FREEDOM that gave me was indescribable. I have recommended his book here probably 50 times and some people have said they got it and read it and others said lately they had ordered it. Several people have said they got a great deal out of it. Ana I think has read it (please excuse me if I got that wrong CRS)
Say has anyone heard from Skylar today? Can’t handle a day without sky!
Oxy,
Have you done an article of this book before? I know I got it because you kept mentioning it. I LOVED it, it gives such hope and it’s so uplifting. Thank you!
Oxy,
I emailed her. I miss her too!
Ana, No I haven’t done an actual article on THE BOOK I don’t think…but will have to check with Donna, I can’t remember how many articles I have actually done. I started out doing them as ox Drover then changed over to my name and donna put some of them under my name instead of hers but I know there are some of them still under her name and I’ve done over 100 I think, so it is difficult to remember the subjects on all of them. Gosh if I had a brain I’d take it out and play with it. My son and I were laughing at each other today about the short term memory problems. We never remember the same thing the same way…LOL If we didn’t trust each other we’d be calling each other liars and fighting all the time because we don’t remember things the same way. It is a big joke with us now though, but it was really hard at first. At least we are both better than when neither of us remembered anything. LOL
I’ll get it out and see if I can’t get an article up in the next few weeks. I’m really glad you enjoyed it Ana. It really did help me. Though I’ve written so much about it not sure I will have anything new to say about it.