UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
A thought I would rather not have ..that bastard is the last relationship of my life.. Hard to swallow..god did not mean for anyone to be alone. Thoughts do become things so I’m watching my thoughts. Men who want younger let them to have there ass dumped when there too old to do anything about it and she moves on.Those are not the kind of men I’m interested in..either it’s real or I will stay alone.
And here just arrived step two of makig me get rid of the profile….
His sister manipulating me didn’t help. His gf posting “he’s a sweetheart” with his profile doesn’t help either. So, it’s “threatening” time…
“hey darwinsmom one more oportonity to delate the thing you put abaut me i now were findds you you ruion my life bich i gonna put you in internet too
check you photos to in internet i hop youi no get job in facking amberes
one more chanse to chenge that forget that thing …… is bin one years hellooooooooooo .. dont be stupida i get photos of you too in internet you roin my life i gonnA FACKYOU TOO”
I guess it’s not going to work. I’ve always taken into account of him making such a profile about me, and it’s not even scaring me. Of course, never entered his mind to ask straightforwardly and politely. All the manipulation and threatening is doing is making me think, “nope”. Besides he fucked me already anyhow.
Snow White,
This brings tears to my eyes. I felt it go straight to my heart. I lost some money and pride with the last spath. But what was worse, what nearly killed me, was the heartbreak of fraudulent love.
I could NOT believe someone could FAKE love. It had never occured to me. Really. The abuse I recognized (I was raised with it). But the USE of love, as a tool, to gain power and control just never registered as a real possibility.
I thought love was the supreme goal in life. To find it, to give it. To make the world a better place because of it…. and that EVERYONE felt that way.
That has been the biggest eye-opener, and the biggest impetus for a life and belief adjustment for me.
I am glad you are here. I am glad you are no contact. I am sorry for the betrayal and devastation you feel.
Slim
Hi Slim,
Thank you for your support. I think this guy cared for me as much as he was capable of loving. To him love is possessing and controlling. That is all he knows. He wanted me to move in with him. Emptied out his closet……I was ready to do it too! CRAZY What was I thinking! How could I have been so foolish. But you see, I had know him for several years so I had a false sense of security. I bought his “love bomb” lock stock and barrel. He was very controlling in having to talk all day long. If I slacked in texting….he would make comments. I believe he wants a relationship and doesn’t want to be alone, but he is not capable of monogamy. The red flags and my gut instincts stopped me from going through with it. He had so many lies in his past that he didn’t want me to know about. The thing is, he was always kind and loving toward me. He just didn’t have the maturity or emotional intelligence to deal with real issues. My life would have been hell with him. He practiced unsafe sex yet didn’t want to get tested and thought nothing of putting me in danger. I’m sure his next victim will find out the hard way too.
On the bright side, he made me realize that I still love my husband. My husband never gave up on me. After 27 years, he knows what kind of person I am and this situation is so uncharacteristic of anything I would ever do. But we do need counseling to work through this whole thing. I knew I just couldn’t go through with divorcing my husband and felt as though I was pressured into it. However, when I told this guy that I needed to listen to my counselors and work on my marriage, he did get pretty nasty.
I hope you find happiness. I am usually an optimistic person and believe that there are good, honest, and decent people out there. Good luck:)
Snow
@slim. I destroyed my marriage and gave it all up for someone I believed in like you the connection was very old so it gave a false sense of security to me as well. Good for you that you got a second chance I was not that lucky or was I. Maybe, after I heal from the trauma,my next relationship will be my best and last . My marriage was in trouble anyway and not someone that I want to grow old with..time will tell the reason for the last lowlife in my life..
Welcome SnowWhite! glad you didn’t end up losing everything. They wreck so many lives. Keep on learning and growing. The journey is worth it in the end! (or can be for sure)
I do believe that things happen for a reason. Some how eventually it all works out. I guess time will tell for all of us.
What I’ve also learned while I was going through this that as I went through my days at work, people would say hello and say, “how are you”, I would smile and say great. I was dying inside and couldn’t let it show. It was then that it dawned on me, how many other people in my workplace are going through hell and put on a big facade. You never really know what goes on in other people’s lives and marriages. No one has the perfect life. Fortunately, I have a couple of very close friends who were there to support me. My friends and the blogs really help.
I guess life is what we make of it. I was crying everyday. Now I can’t remember the last time I cried. Today I am choosing to be happy:)
Hi Snowwhite~ I am so happy to see you here working things out with yourself and with your husband. I will say a prayer for you both tonight.
I believe everything happens for a reason, I feel very strongly about that. This will make you stronger, with time and healing, with knowledge and with the support of people who understand, you will get there.
The ex spath I endured cheated with probably a hundred people while we were together, many of whom were married. He chose them over others because (in my personal opinion) he enjoyed the extra damage he was doing. The more drama or perversion he could squeeze out of a “relationship” the BETTER! Psychopaths get bored so very easily so a pursuing chase and conquest of a devoted married woman was extra exciting. All that drama takes their minds off the fact that they serve no value in life.
God bless you and keep reading. 🙂
Hello Snow:) You hit the nail on the head with your essay. So sorry that you experienced it first hand. I wish you and your Husband healing and love. It will work out-eventually- because it is a “real” relationship and not a “relationshit” as it is called by some here at LF:) No contact is the only way…
Slim, I can identify with what you said about the use of love as an unbelievable tool to gain power. I was blown away by that too. It was my biggest eye-opener as well. It really messed me up for a long time. I soon realized that what I learned in life and hold true does not apply when dealing with a Sociopath. All the wiser Slim:)
Hi Snow white,
what a perfect name for a spath survivor!
I’m glad to hear a hopeful story, thank you for posting your article. You’re ready to do the hard work on yourself and your marriage and you have a husband who loves you and is also willing. That’s really good news.
Don’t be afraid to see your weaknesses because they can become your strengths. And keep reading, never stop learning, there is always more to know. If there was one thing I could have done differently, that would have been it. I would have been more open to learning about PD’s. I might have saved years of pain.