UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Dupey and Louise…two excellent and enlightening posts. Yes, yes, I can see what you’re saying.
I, too, Dupey, do not wish to see anyone suffer before my eyes even if it’s Godzilla. But I am glad as hell he got fired, not laid off, fired. I see that as an excellent example of what the holy man told you. If so, I need to consider myself fortunate and perhaps take that leap of faith that pushes away all the cobwebs and troublesome “but’s” and just see him actually walked out of the bldg before my very eyes as a sign rather than a coincidence or even a punishment. As you said, it’s more about us, not them. If I go there, I have to worry about his family…and he doesn’t deserve that. I love your post, thank you…to be re-read many times. Big hug.
Louise, you summed that up for me nicely! Right on. We are here to help each other…I think what hung me up was the friend saying he knew how to get out and I took that as meaning he knew how to wipe the slate clean so to speak. Also I think it tells us that the folks who have not been through this can’t really know or understand the impact it has, can’t see the hole, if you will. The policeman, even the priest.
Very valuable words, folks. Thanx so much for jumping in the hole with me.
And, Dupey, I am going out to dinner with friends tonight. Not the spa, but maybe someday. When I workout, it’s in my basement! Honestly, I’m just thankful for a roof over the head right now, a little scared about the future, but trying to realize I can do my best to find work and then try to stop worrying.
Hugs
:). The ‘hole’ analogy was used in this way: at the time, I believed my spath ex was like me, in terms of human emotions. I didn’t understand the reality of the situation, or rather, her (obscure) reality. I knew she was in emotional pain, and, having been in an ’emotional cauldren’ position years earlier and come through it, believed that I could help her out of her darkness.
I also the story of the Ugly Duckling :).
The thing is, she really is an Ugly Duckling, and that hole really is hers for life. I still feel sorrow for her, although this is only just coming back, through the anger. It’s my old self, but now unconnected to her. In other words, even if she came to my door and begged me, told me she was dying, told me she was going to kill herself there and then, I still wouldn’t say a word to her. How can this be??!
It goes against everything that we all (non-spath humanity) are, not to reach out to someone in need. But, it’s not as simple as someone being in a hole and needing a hand out. This hole has to be filled or the void will swallow/destroy the earth (the spath), if they can get someone else to fulfill this duty then they escape, supposedly. But, there is no escape is the horror of it. No wonder denial is the bedrock of their existence. Who could live with the pain of that knowledge? So, they try to pass this ungodly burden/pain on, but ultimately, in doing so, must keep it, as their souls remain dark/black through wishing such horror on another.
I need a shower now, never mind a bath…
Yep, I still feel sorry for her, but in a different way. I think it may be compassion returning, albeit sporadically. I hope she is on the first leg of her journey toward being good. I read that Dr. Hare calls them ‘underdeveloped people’. Have we all started as this? Perhaps over many lives we have journied to this point. I need to believe this to have faith in everything, that ultimately we journey together towards the light that is goodness, as one.
Fingers crossed.
Perhaps we heal one another. They must dispell all their pain to reach understanding, and this may take many lives and many ‘targets’. But, each ‘target’ is catapaulted into enlightenment (?). Their lives seem to be clearly unfulfilling on any deep or meaningful level, which is unendingly sad. Ours may become richer for loving them.
An attitude of gratitude. I want to be grateful to her, forgive on that level. Ironically, I would then be grateful for the gift of being grateful :). Oops, pickled my head!
Hmm, just realised. Can’t EVER come to America now as I have a criminal record. Cheers spath. My poor mother. Oh well, worst thing happen at sea…
Sweet karma to you all too, it is half past nine at night here, i hope the sun shines for you x
This story was made famous on The West Wing and I’ve loved it ever since. Some of the context was lost in the clip, but a guy who hurt himself while going through a rough time was consoled by his friend who’s a recovering alcoholic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZQJ6yqQRAQs
“What the hell are you doing, now we’re both in the hole!”
http://www.youtube.com
Still reeling
In general, I think Karma works. I think the universe works. If I didn’t, I don’t think I could survive.
I think generally love prevails. People are good. What goes around comes around. Do the right thing. People who hurt people end up hurting themselves. The world isn’t perfect, but this is what I believe to be true.
Athena
I used to think like that Athena and I’m hoping it’s just a touch of depression that is keeping me from being hopeful…and also getting older. The world looks different in the autumn of one’s life. I won’t lie and say I’ve always been a + person, but when younger, hope always prevailed. Now things are definitely different. Before Godzilla, it was a lot better. But I knew that I was preparing for a big hit when the whole deal that never really materialized started. He pushed the clock back to spring for me….but like I said, my gut knew better.
You said, “People who hurt people end up hurting themselves.” This makes me feel so crappy because if something had happened w/Godz, I could have def hurt my daughter, not sure about my husband…..he’d a good guy, just not built for romance. But I knew I was doing the wrong thing…maybe like i said earlier karma hit me w/illness last summer and until I can get over this depression, I’m still hurting my husband and daughter…thankfully she’s not living at home anymore. I feel like I’m just hardly alive and not because of Godz – just because I feel so hopeless, all these layoffs, both husband and daughter are unable to show their feelings and so I feel guilty for being an inept mom and wife and there it is. Listen, I’m not looking for sympathy or fishing for support. I just feel kind of rotten overall and old and useless. Stopping.
Hi still reeling
I have days when I feel hopeless too. I know I’m in a better place with him out of my life but I keeping thinking about how he got me to cross every boundary…slowly but surely. First he would give me a hug…pulling me in close enough to “feel” him “there”. A month later a kiss……before I knew what hit me….he made me believe I owed it to him to sleep with him. When i look back now I see how he reeled me in….step by step taking me further away from who I am. I was blinded to it was almost like I was under his spell. The only way I feel safe now is by never seeing him again. I hope to one day know that if I did see him I wouldn’t be affected all. That’s when I’ll know I’ve healed!!!
You are not alone
Snow
still reeling:
I’m with you. Part of me feels like it’s just me getting old and I just don’t see things the way I used to see them. I think we all feel inept at times. Life is so hard. I hope you feel better soon.
Still reeling,
I think what you are experiencing is a NORMAL part of the life cycle. We all, as we get to “that age” in life start to reexamine our life and to sometimes look at what we have accomplished and feel that we could/should have done better, had more fun, spent less time at the office and more time having fun.
When we are kids we detach from our parents and start our own lives/careers/families and then as we mature and our families mature and “middle age” sets in we may become sort of “feeling down” so what you are going through is I think very normal.
When my husband died I felt sort of the same way….alone, lonely, and felt like my life was over, no one would ever love me again. My BF the P made me feel like I was “young” again too. As things turned out though, I realized that what I have/had is pretty good. Maybe your husband isn’t a prince charming or big time romantic hunka hunk a burning love, but it is possible that things might be improved in your marriage. Don’t give up on it yet. Count your blessings. My guess is that you have not been as “bad” a wife or parent as you may think! (((hugs)))
Still Reeling,
agree with Oxy, you are so lucky. You escaped a spath and you did it right quick. I foresee good things ahead for you because you’ve got a good head on your shoulders.
Snow White: I hear you and think we can all relate to your post and sweetie, I am so sorry. It’s the small loving gestures of affection that women, esp extra-warm and engaging women, like most of the folks here, can’t resist. Some men too I suppose. Right now, I just don’t care about men and don’t trust any of them.
Godzilla never touched me except to kick the bottom of my shoe *once*, nudge me irritatingly (such an unloving gesture when you don’t get anything else!) with his elbow sometimes and that’s about it. I am a touchy feely person and I recall flicking him on the back once the day he came back from vaca. His best feature was his hair, and when I saw him sitting there w/his back to me and that gorgeous hair I wanted to touch so badly, I decided to playfully just flick him on the back. He didn’t even turn around. I thought that was decidedly weird. Of course, I figured I did something “wrong,” since he was the boss…musta crossed a line. But something flickered in my head because he sat there like such a statue and never brought it up. It was more ammo for my growing belief that he was crazy.
I begged him for a hug before my surgery telling him, “Hey you’ve made me feel so awesome (cringe), and have been so supportive, it just seems like the best gift in the world to get a hug from you,” he somehow got around it. When I brought it up months later, (still no touching), he started to say, “I don’t see the big deal about…….” and drifted off. Either he was too scared to even say the word “hug” for fear that somehow Big Brother was listening (he was very paranoid and for good reason), and/or he realized, if he said that, he was giving me a big hint about his mental issues or he was not into touching. He knew either would be a deal-breaker for me.
Snow, he strung me along too and I never got it…still don’t! He told me we couldn’t talk “in the building” about certain things and we’d need to go somewhere out of the bldg to be able to really talk. But that never happened because *he* didn’t want it to. He knew I didn’t want to have sex with him and there were prob so many other women he could stick it to..sorry, but that’s all it means to these nuts. The one time he did ask me to his house, I think he may have been planning to off me. I don’t care…sometimes I wish he had.
I know those of us still transitioning and I know even those of you who have gotten to the top of the mt (and bless you for your impossibly hard work), still wonder, “maybe if I saw him once more, maybe if I sent a note, maybe if I said this or did that, perhaps if I became the sanity in his life, he’d succumb, break down and become a stand-up guy. NEVER gonna happen. I dream of it as well, even though honestly, I don’t know what I’d do with him if I had him! I just wanted a loving friendship and a chance at some of the things I’ll never get from my marriage. Like all good paths, he seemed to *understand* and *know me* and *appreciate* me in a way my husband couldn’t. Big horse laugh!!!!!
Listen, Ox, I understand where I am in life and I’ve faced my shortcomings and the fact that I’ve done absolutely nothing with my life. But, I’ve also faced that I like living a simple life and although I get jealous at times of folks who live “large,” it’s not me, never will be. I’m sorry you lost your husband and it sounds as if you had a good marriage. I’m so terribly sorry that it couldn’t have lasted longer. So rare these days. Then to fall for a path and have him affect you so strongly. I just don’t understand life! But yes, we are not meant to so I try not to try.
Early in our marriage, my husband said to me, and it was not after an argument or anything like that…it was a pretty normal, maybe even happy day, “I would never get married again.” I was shocked. For a guy who is unable to emote and will actually stop himself *from emoting* why couldn’t he accidentally stumble and say “I love you so much, dammit or something like that!” I remember asking why and he said that he couldn’t have the friendships he wanted to have….I guess he meant the next door neighbor – gorgeous and younger, same religion, not as anxious a person as me, etc. I was so sick envious of her anyway, and he was always running out of the house whenever she came out even tripped over me once when I was bout 7 mos pregnant to get to her. I am such an insecure dolt and it has caused so many problems, but I held it in for a year, then finally told him I couldn’t take it anymore.
After he made that comment and others to come in the future, along with NEVER saying anything positive (unlike a path he is *unable* to do so rather than making the choice NOT to do so), I hardened. I tried all manner of things with him, but finally I gave up.
As time has moved ahead, I’ve looked back at my anxious, insecure behavior, sometimes the silent treatment, (which my mom did and I promised I would not!), the things one feels they can’t do because of anxiety and panic disorder (like travelling, which I’ve done with my husband & daugher anyway and it has been so so so difficult), etc., I can understand why he wouldn’t want to be married to me. I have asked him many x if he would like to part. He says no but I can’t fathom why. I think he doesn’t want his large fam to see him as a failure. I don’t know.
Last night I asked him why he said and he said, “Marriage is too hard. And if you weren’t so depressed, it would help.” Well, hub, maybe if you hadn’t spent so much time purposely walking in front of me in front of fam and friends, sitting at a different table during fam dinners, never putting an arm around me or holding my hand, letting others praise me for the few things I’ve done that were noteworthy but *nothing* from you, maybe, just maybe things would have been different. I realize he is a very good person, but there is a stubbornness about him that won’t allow him to show any feeling at all for me. Esp when my daughter was growing up and I begged him to please not argue or esp belittle me in front of her…kidding is fine, but “dont listen to that mommy garbage,” is not. I recall she was about 9 and I talking to her about how important it is to warm up before working out.
Look, I have been a lousy wife and mom in many ways. It’s just how it is. I should not have married or been a mother. In the last few yrs, I have become better at it, letting go of petty things and not sweating the small stuff. I was a clone of my mom in many ways, and still am. But with tons of therapy, I have gotten better. When I got laid off so inappropriately from my job so 20 yrs, then had a horrible experience at the next job and had to quit or go crazy, followed by the Godz job, well, it is depressing.
Godz was an oasis in the desert for me, a place to forget everything, all the worries and cares went south. He had a relaxing voice and a serenity that just made me feel like I was floating. And he appreciated me and said so. Did I believe it? Here and there but mostly no…it just felt so great.
Sorry to have gone on…
Skylar, I appreciate your kind comment as well as yours Louise. I don’t really have a good head on my shoulders though, skylar, I’m just old and have seen a lot. Actually, I think the path escaped me…I was just scared of him and afraid I’d get caught. I am not a strong enuf person to withstand that. Any of it.