UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Still reeling,
((HUGS)). I hear your story. I am pulling and crawling my way back to positivity. That’s my normal mode and I am hell bent on finding it again.
When you talk about the spath – it seems to me that his appeal is the same as my spath’s appeal. Fantasy. Somebody who was all the things that your husband is not.
My husband is a good kind man, but very introverted, so I feel alone. He also is passive and insecure, so he wants me to lead and to protect him and to tell him what to do. If you think THAT’s sexually appealing, um…it ain’t. No wonder I went running to the arms of my spath, who appeared to be confident, charming and successful. Except he wasn’t.
The things I’ve done.
1) Read many many books to understand spathyness.
1A). Read even more books to understand my self, my mother, and my family of origin.
2) Weekly therapy for the last 3 or 4 years, I rarely miss.
3) Coming to lovefraud all the time.
4) The counsel of a good friend who gets “spath”.
5) Listening to the audio book “the power of now” recommended by SilverMoon on this website. It has been hugely helpful.
6) Extracting myself from my relationship with my spath. Slowly, consistenly, further and further.
You’ will get there. Find an action plan that works for you.
What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger – I honestly believe that too – you’ll come out of this happier, healthier.
**HUGS**
Athena
Athena, many hugs back atcha…
Are you still seeing your path? Or does #6 mean you are extracting yourself mentally/emotionally from him?
Thx for list…very helpful.
I will look into the power of now. None of my friends get the path thing but my therapist does…glad you have both of those kinds of support. You are doing all the right things.
You are completely correct. You and I and many others have chosen to seek that which we need from outside our marriages if we aren’t getting it from our husbands. Sounds like your hub wants a momma bear…you’re right, not sexy.
My husband is just plain old clueless. I lost my sex drive when we moved in together and I think it was def an emotional thing re: fear of commitment stemming from my upbringing. It was so bizarre. Hey, he married me knowing it and we both (at least I did) stupidly hoped it would come back…it never did. So we have had hardly any sex at all. He has not been interested in fixing things, and won’t see a therapist with me. He won’t go out of his comfort zone. So it is what it is. I can’t tell you how guilty I feel about that. He is a shy guy in many ways and I don’t think had very much experience but he’s really an intimacy-phobe as was his mom. So anyway…that’s that.
I just feel rotten and guilty about it. Forget communication or discussing it. He won’t.
He winces if I try to touch his face, his brow, his arm. There is no sitting on a sofa watching TV with his arm around me or mine around him. He can’t deal with it. it’s so awkward and horrible.
He’s never brushed the hair out of my eyes, kissed the top of my head or the tip of my nose or my hand or said “Atta girl,” or “I saw that thing you wrote for your brother’s and s-in-law’s anniversary. It’s awesome.” Everyone else gave me high praise – not a word from him. But when he wrote a clever poem for his mom and dad’s anniversary and read it in front of everyone, I cried and praised him. His mom, on the other hand, said nothing to him. So he comes by his personality honestly. It still hurts. I think he is still a hurt child…more guilt for me because I get it and he doesn’t.
OK I am being a total pill today and I’m sorry. It’s the job loss, the being old, the fear we can’t afford insurance, all those things…I’m scared to find a job because my eyes are giving me fits and also I have no confidence left. I just want to let go of all this fear.
There is nothing I want from Godzilla because I dont’ believe a word he says plus he has removed himself from my world. Entirely.
Thank you again, Athena. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things…I’m hoping you aren’t still seeing the path but certainly no judging…if Godzilla were more into me, and using his charms on me………G-d only knows.
Still Reeling, I asked Donna to send you something directly.
Thanks Athena…I didn’t receive anything..maybe Donna has been busy or maybe I need to send her a note too?Thank you Athena.
I wanted to say more here but my husband, usu quiet, seems to perk up when I’m trying to do anything online.
Later. Take care
Grateful for all of you…but to read my story above on still reelings , athena’s and snows; the confusion of the intimateless (is there such a word?) marriage, unable to even affectionately touch your husband because of the great anxiety he gets upon any type of affection (asking him to put his arm under my head or hold my hand, never embracing me in 20 years) and the guilt of wrapping your entire being into the promises of the “P” who love bombed me to such an oblivious high who then took me to the depths of hell and made me feel so yucky that I have undergone several plastic surgeries to look younger for him but the fact of the matter, it doesnt matter what surgeries you have, one still ages and I wish rather to age gracefully and with wisdom than trying to prove myself youthful and acceptable to someone who is making fun of you to his next victim…Part of me wanted the surgeries but I would have never spent the money (owe the money,,,,too bad he stoled all my money, it would have been paid for) …but I can say this: today, I am sitting here feeling a bit lonely and remembering when the “P” was filling up all my time and then immediately I remember how he was filling it up; with lies and accusations while my stomach knotted up and I remained in a state of confusion and worthlessness…No thanks…a little bit lonely works nice and safe for me now and forever…
alivetoday…powerful post..many x, I thought about what it would take to a facelift and how I could pull it off..of course, for me, with no $, it would have been impossible. I even kidded about it with Godzilla (path) and he urged me not to…but he was and I’m sure still is, very, very, very messed up.
When I read the description of your initimatless (who cares if it’s a word) relationship with your husband, I thought you were just re-writing mine. We have the same situation. There is a phobia around touch…it’s a real deal. Definitely understand how it could lead you into the arms of another, but a P, so sorry. But really so understandable.
For me, it was also 20 yrs or so and no cheaing! The P was the first who even allowed that consideration to waft thru the brain. I feel fortunate that he got into trouble and didn’t care enuf about me to keep our “friendship?” going. Hurts so bad but I’m glad for it.
Alivetoday, I am glad you have made it to the other side!
I recall the knotted stomach as well and I can’t even imagine how I would have reacted if I’d gotten any closer. I’m not as strong as some of you ladies and I am so proud of you and others for getting out of the nastiest of situations and seeing it for what it was….a bale of lies and deceit, AT BEST! I feel so bad for Godzilla’s wife…I often wish I could talk to her. I can’t even imagine.
Alive, hang in there and thx for sharing. Are you still with your husband? How are you coping, post-path with his lack of affection?
Athena,
Have you and your husband ever considered past life regression therapy?
There is a woman in Los Gatos CA who has done amazing things for people with it.
When you can’t fix or get past relationships, maybe there is more to it than meets the eye?
silvermoon
no, i haven’t heard of that. i will look into it. Can you tell me anything about it?
Your “now” book has changed my life.
we have seen a marriage therapist a few times. The first time it was so bad, she said she couldn’t imagine us working it out. The second couple of times it was better, and we’re making some progress. I am now reading “seven principals of making marriage work”. And I ordered another book based on an article I read in psychology today. I’m hopeful.
Thanks, silvermoon.
Alivetoday
You are SO right about that!
My spath set me up the same way. He doesn’t spend any money. Most frugal man in the world. Extremely wealthy but buys work clothes on ebay, and casual clothes at goodwill, and only a few of them – 3 or 4 articles that he wears until he wears them out. Seriously. He buys NOTHING.
Yet he goated me on to buy this dress or that dress, these shoes or those shoes, this jewelry or that jewelry, I spent so much money on clothes! It was totally nuts! He called me his glamour queen and I took pride in that. I was in denial, and he did it on purpose.
He’s gone now – at least 4 weeks I think – I am trying to not just RAGE at how he used me and played me.
Blech!
Athena
I was just reading more of “People of The Lie” by M. Scott Peck and pages 207 to 209 were the pages that I flagged…As he was describing Satan, I was reading exactly the person that I was involved with..the “P”…I feel so gross knowing that I layed (spelling wrong?) with this person..it disgust me…Those pages confirmed so much for me. As to why I experienced this, what I was experiencing, how I got in it and how I got out of it…Thank God for the out part!!
Still Reeling, the “P” would tell me how vile he thought “fakeness” was such as breast implants yet he was always talking about what sexually attracted him and after he initially built me up to feel so beautiful to only tear me down to nothing but old and dumpy(he would demand naked photos as if he desired me so and later he said things that hurt so much about those photos)…Yet he was in the gym daily with a massive muscle weight..He was a steroid user at one time (talk about fake!!).(this is why it is hard for me to see him as a smurf, he always ends up looking like the incredible Hulk…this is pertaining to another post)
He was so cheap too but would brag about the HUGE diamond he bought his wife and the exotic trips he would take her on and how she bought all designer clothing(the clothes thing was a lie..I heard her having to get approval for $15.00 pair of sneakers and approval to do anything)….he wanted me to compete, he enjoyed my fear and jealousy and insecurity and in general, my pain..He would pay for my flights to see him but that was about all and not every time .I too, thought how about his wife, new baby, the one simultaneous lover that I knew about while I was in the picture, which I am sure he had many..but they would never understand or see it until it is revealed to them…However, I pray for all of them, that is all I can do..
Yes, my husband and I are still together. He is a goodhearted man. I am almost taking refuge in him and God after the experience with the “P”. I am accepting of my situation and try to not let my expectations of what I think life should be to get in the way of what blessings that I do have…I think that I DONT know what healthy love is and there is no need for me to be looking anywhere (including blaming my husband for any current unhappiness) except within myself…I must learn and exhibit what real love is starting to myself…such a strange concept for me…
Today I got all dressed up after the gym with no place to go but to an empty house. I just had to accept that that is what my today was going to be like unless I chose to make it different and I was too lazy to even take my dogs to the mountain to walk…I do believe that life is very short and I want to strengthen myself so that my next testing situation is not as painful and as lengthy as the one with the “P”..I want to choose truth and light over lies and darkness…I want to stay in the present moment with gratitude…
I have a library on trying to research my husband’s issues..(he wakes up every night screaming from nightmares that he will not share..this is for 20 years!) I have more books and books on how to make your marriage work..the therapist gave us assignments such as once a day hold each other for 5 mins..(first it was with no clothes but that never happened so the therapist said to do it clothed) and he tried for maybe 15 seconds once. He always makes jokes and uses comedy as a diversion and for some type of connection with me. He wasnt able to do the assignment. (I have been in therapy consistently over I dont know how many years). I was prime prey for the “P”…The “P” chose me, I thought over all those other girls who would drop their mouths open and freeze in their shoes when he walked by because he was so attractive..and he picked me?!?! He knew that I vulnerable. He knew that I had good energy and he knew I was naive..I was 18 years older than he was..was that not a MAJOR clue that something was not right!!..the attention felt too good.. with the love bombing, I only knew that we were soul mates LOL!
I will tell you honestly, I fight to stay out of the memory of the illusions and and lies of he told that me feel sexually desirable..I try to fight revisiting in the mind…some days are better than others…but I am detached and that is a miracle! and i want to stay that way…Can you imagine that you slept with the devil!!
I’m so so so grateful for your sharing and honesty…I dont like the fact that this is my story but it is what it is and no one knows it unless the walked in my shoes from childhood…I wish that my choice had been different but this is what it took for me to know the truth of about life…