UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Athena,
Its a little off the beaten path for sure, but I read about her years ago and the results she wrote of were pretty astounding.
The premise was that there are relationships that carry over so, if for eample, your current spouse was your son in another life, you would have a close bond, but it would not be as you would expect from a spouse.
So, the regression therapy would uncover the issues from the last life (lives) and release them. It changed the current situation.
I think her name was Williams but I’m not sure. Again, its a stray thought, but what you wrote about your relationship with your husband reminded me of her. Its been some years since I read about it and I don’t know if she’s still around, but your story reminded me of some of the cases she wrote about.
Her work was based on the work of Edgar Casey. There is a Casey Center in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
Glad you liked the Power of Now. If you haven’t checked it out, try The Four Agreements from Don Ruiz Miguel. Its another one of those…At least I found it to be…
Best,
Alive Today,
What happens if you put down the fight and walk away from it?
When you put so much energy into something, you keep it with you.
The best part about recovering from one of these is disconnecting from the feelings you had and the ones you have.
The more thought you give him, the longer the hangover will last.
Hence, you have tp find a way to let go of the good and the bad feelings that the P drew out of you.
A lot of meditation techniques are useful at helping you control your thoughts and interuppt the process of thinking about your experience. Its part of why EMDR is so helpful..
The harder you work at not letting yourself “go there” the faster you recover.
At least that was my experience.
There is plenty of living to do besides that. Bury yourself in the mundane things in your life that need doing.
I think of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. A very simple thing to serve tea to someone else, But something else entirely to perfect the ritual.
And for you, perfecting the rituals of your life s a place from which you can draw a sense of accomplishment and joy.
Time heals And quiet time in the mind heals faster.
I wish for you a respite from the stuggle.
I know you were “worked over”.
We all were. Its what they do. And it leaves us with the work of freeing ourselves from the snare.
Fortunately, we’re here and they are goine.
Isn’t it a beautiful day?
I just order the Power of Now….can’t wait to get it, esp Athena, after reading it changed your life.
I am in a huge hurry. But I wanted to say to you, Alive, I read your post above way too late, too late to respond with any clarity or sense….but I think it may have change my life already. *Everything* you said about being grateful for your hub, I am resonating to…and the way you said it. I want to write you more later…we are actually going for a bike ride and he is so antsy to go…I am NOT a morning person. So I can’t continue writing now.
Hub would not go to therapy…he went with me a couple of times but would not continue…no leaving his comfort zone. He does exactly what he loves doing for the most part and lives in is own internal world…no intimacy risks taken.
I’m glad now that he is able to be happy enjoying his pursuits, with or w/out me..
A therapist once told me that if we could just say one things we liked aboutt each other before going to sleep, that might help us feel closer…OMG, it worked so well for me and it ended up causing giggles because he had to, of course, add his dry wit to this uncomf situation. But saying thanks to me for learning to love baseball, etc., was very meaningful because he wouldn’t normally say it and it made me feel instantly closer to know he appreciated me….any positive thoughts/feelings are like mental gold to me. After a few weeks, he told me he couldn’t do it anymore…I think it was because he felt *forced*. I understand that to a pt, I really to, esp if it’s about having to say “I love you,” every day but just to say one thing you like about your life’s partner.
Today, I see that these are *his* problems. They don’t cause him unhappiness and some other women probably wouldn’t mind it because they are like-minded types. but they are not *my* problems. If he wanted us to feel closer, he would just do it. I am trying to be on his side as are you and to feel grateful for him as he is as are you. After your experience with path, I can see where you’re coming from…acceptance can be difficult.
I would love to hear more about your story. And I don’t have time to re-read what you already wrote…hub is walking around going nuts so I’d better get ready. He’s being nice but I know he wants to go going…I so don’t want to go.
Later and thank you so much for sharing!
still reeling:
I commend you for trying so hard with your husband to see the good things. I think that is really hard to do when there is no intimacy there. To be honest, I just don’t know if I could do it…you are a better person than I.
I hope you enjoy the bike ride!
Forgot one key thing, Alive.
You said, “). I was prime prey for the “P—The “P” chose me, I thought over all those other girls who would drop their mouths open and freeze in their shoes when he walked by because he was so attractive..and he picked me?!?! He knew that I vulnerable. He knew that I had good energy and he knew I was naive..I was 18 years older than he was..was that not a MAJOR clue that something was not right!!..the attention felt too good.. with the love bombing, I only knew that we were soul mates LOL! ”
I thought I typed that….path was 12 yrs my jr and I felt exactly the same way about other women. Why was he choosing me over all these young, single kids who would love to play with him. I have some ideas but pretty sure he was trying to punish the older women in his life that he hated. And he did a good job of doing just that thru transference. Lord…makes me so sick.
I just wrote an entire book and on my last sentence lost it all…that is extremely frustrating…
I will come back later and try to rewrite some of it…I wish I was computer savvy!!
Still reeling, thank you!! I wanted to share this with you so much but maybe I can come back and write it much shorter..hopefully..
One thing I do remember writing was that I wrote a poem once and a line in it said”I thought I was chosen but I was merely picked”…meaning that I thought I was the Special One that captured his heart and that he was smitten with as well as me to him…but I was merely the prey that he picked to devour. ….(referring to the “P”) …I knew the truth then but it had not become my reality at that time…I wasnt listening to what I knew in my heart, I didnt want to connect with it…I wanted the illusion of feeling the dependency of “take care of me”..I wanted the illusion of “make me feel alive and that I am wanted”..I even wanted the illusion of “something bad is going to happen” instead of choosing Truth……..I do believe that sin brings us to grace (and we ALL sin) and that is where we truly start to know Love does exisit and that is our journey here..we are processing and creating Love..There is not a destination…It is a daily effort to feed our hearts and minds with the right information…it is a responsibility to ourselves and I think LF helps us do this very thing..I am grateful..I get scared of rejection here and I know that writing something can be misconstrued and the value can be lost in translation…I just have to trust that the people here are safe and loving..I get scared there might be a “P” on the other end analyzing my of my vulnerabilities…But I can not heal in fear and I must face my own fears in this area of my “stinking thinking” which by the way is not my husbands responsibility to make me “feel alive” or for him to conquer my fears..he has his and I have mine…again this life is short and we get caught up in the illusions..
.I hope to regather my thoughts and post again later
Thank you Silver moon…I am working on it daily…
Silvermoorn, again, Thank you…I love where you say to bury myself in the mundane things in life…this is so so so true..this would be a healthy life…thank you and I will be putting that to practice:)
Alive today and still reeling, this feeling of being the chosen one, out of all the possible others, is one important aspect to trauma bonding. Dr. Patric Carnes, who wrote, “The Betrayal Bond” mentions this as part of the trap. He also mentions seduction and betrayal. The seduction involves a storey and a promise…the betrayal comes when the promise isn’t forthcoming, or the storey is dissimulated…then there is a reframing of the storey and a renewel of the promise…the victim is so emotionally invested that they MUST believe.
Kim, I’m going to get that book..thanks!…I did get the book “The Art of Seduction” and the “P” used many of the forms of seduction…whatever was needed at the time to aid him in his goal of destruction…I cant tell you the promise he painted for me..as if he took the paint brushes from my heart itself..I almost want to vomit right now. I cant go there..it is way to devastating and knowing that he is doing it to another as I sit here and write..I pray for this young womans life…she has no idea what is taking place…I can tell by her Youtube diary..that I need to let go of because it keeps me connected…I am praying for myself as well…thanks…My husband is feeling so rejected now that I am not paying attention to him and that I am typing…this is where I need to work on a sense of self, a boundary, a nice communication and a willingness to give…oh boy!!
Alilve, The same guy who wrote the “art of seduction” also wrote the “48 laws of power” I reviewed that book here on LF and I think this man has written two books that are the PSYCHOPATH’S PLAY BOOKS or “How to be a successful psychopath” Of course he pretends to be doing this to show people how to be successful people but I believe he is a psychopath and this is “the psychopath’s play book” that we have joked about on here because so many of them act the same way.
It is scary and triggered me to read it. It was like I was reading something written by Satan himself.