UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Ox, I agree 100% with you…I could only read the book a few pages at a time (which was only the 1st section). I felt like I was holding something evil in my hands. The book was of total darkness..In the back of the book the author names the 3 books and calls them “the complete AMORAL series”…I also felt that these modes of operations for seduction were completely innate in my “P”..I was in awe as the book described the evilness that was exactly of what I experienced…it confirmed “the spell” to put their victims under…I dont know how anybody could read this and then put something like that into action and become like that unless it was a lifetime practice so it became a natural part of them..Am I still being naive? Have I not learned that their are people that would read this to use it for gain, power and evil? …I have only had the book for a couple of months and have thought about removing it from my home..
This experience with the”P” tells me how short life is, what this journey is about and how it pertains to the Spiritual realm and heaven and hell…..
ps..sometimes i do ramble on and it’s hard to see all of what I have written in this little box…just for future reference:)
pss..in a break of No Contact (about 2 -3 days after about 5 months of NC) I told him about the book (as if I was speaking to someone who might have empathy) and he PROUDFULLY boasted like a peacock that “thats just it, it’s not a mode of operation for me, it’s just me, it’s just who I am” ..I thought, I know that you stupid idiot, you still dont get it and that is when I realized, he didnt know what he was or the fact that he really is “disordered”..But I too, was a mess, because although I knew all this, I was still a sick player in the game…I am out of the web now but in the healing process…
Louise, Kim, Alive, such amazing stuff…wow.
Alive, I have done that before too, write a post that is so chockful of things I want to say, then blow it away with a pinky hit. ARGH.
But listen you said a lot and it resonates so throughly with me and I’m sure many others…so funny that you say it makes your hub feel bad ( want to type “badly” so bad, but seems that the correct form is “bad” these days…another argh) when you type. I have the same issue. He doesn’t like it. I try to do it in the AM when he goes to work…to tired at night.
Anyway, it does keep me from thinking straight. Like right now, he knows I’m down in the basement on the PC typing away and I know he wonder what the hell I’m doing.
I felt and I’m sure the others have too, all the things you describe above, the feeling of path’s being smitten over you, the wanting to be taken care of, the desire to feel wanted and adored, even the notion that for sure something bad is going to happen. It is in US too..I always say on the forum, “they (paths) choose well.” And they sure do! We are perfect prey for them…again, I could have written what you did and I’m sure the other posters agree.
Well, hub cooks and he just called me up to eat. So I need to end here but I have more to say re: your post.
BTW, I trust this forum implicitly. Not to force that feeling upon you but I have chosen to do so and have found no reason not to. I know where you’re coming from..I felt the same way for awhile esp after a very bad experience on another forum. So just fyi. Please try not to worry about rejection. I worried about that too as well as Godzilla (path) being on the forum or his wife but you have to try and give that up.
Kim F, “The seduction involves a storey and a promise”the betrayal comes when the promise isn’t forthcoming, or the storey is dissimulated”then there is a reframing of the storey and a renewel of the promise”the victim is so emotionally invested that they MUST believe.”
Who would have *ever* thought…..this is exactly what happened to me and when I look back, I too, as you said Alive want to vomit but mostly I would like to kick godzilla as hard as I can right where it hurts. Maybe that’s the cure for a path.
Take care all – please know, I speak so much of my own situation but know that all of you have been in the same place. I still find this all hard to believe and am not yet sure I do believe it.
How about a kidney thief? You may have seen Locke being duped by his spath father into donating a kidney in Lost. But this story is for real…
http://www.inc.com/jessica-stillman/is-this-the-worlds-worst-boss.html
A former employer met her ex-boss with kidney issue. She offered to donate a kidney if the original planned donor wouldn’t follow through. And of course the ex-boss turned to her for the kidney WHILE offering her old job back. The donator though had complications after the operation and was sacked for being ill too often.
Still reeling, your post had me laughing out loud!! (enough to spell LOL out!) Thank you for your validation..I cant express my gratitude for your connection and responses. I too, relate to ALL the post and have gained from them. There is an understanding found here on LF, a bond, if you will, as well as a respect for your individual experience.
So funny, my husband does the cooking too. He is cooking right now and then he comes back and paces around as I am typing and because it is separate from him, i think, he feels threatened. I also know that I have the right to type..it could be more of my own anxiety, who knows? Oh and thanks about “bad” vs “badly”:)….
still reeling:
I am a little worried…is there any way your husband could ever read your posts or emails? Just curious because that would not be good!
Yeah, I can totally relate almost as much or more than anyone to the thing about being chosen. Imagine having a man five levels above you at your company relentlessly pursue you…on top of that he is an extremely charming, cultured European…ahhhhh, wow, did I think I was special. Special and STUPID. But oh, well…live and learn.
LOL!! Someone else (darwinsmom) hooked on that lousy show…we watched the WHOLE ENDCHILADA! OK, I liked the hot guys but I loved Kate. The ten zillion stories were ridiculous and altho I think the ending was clever, it was a RIP. They ruined what could have been one of the best series to hit the little screen, imo. But I got what I wanted, Jack and Kate together. Also loved Sun and Gin…what a love story.
Alive…glad my post made you laff…such good medicine..I want more of it and hoping it will come back to me. I don’t know what my husband wants and I gave up trying to figure it out a long time ago. I just feel like I am wrong. That’s all I can tell you. And I know that goes way back to childhood and maybe even inherited wiring…this need to please, then feel angry about it. Then guilty for the anger. I’m so so so sick of it…really just want peace…really just want to know who I am and have the guts to be that and see what happens. I’m yeah, actually am LOST. Very fitting. the path in my life gave me a place to go where I didn’t have to think about anything but him…that was blissful.
Alive, I don’t understand this: “…do believe that sin brings us to grace (and we ALL sin) and that is where we truly start to know Love does exisit and that is our journey here..we are processing and creating Love..There is not a destination”It is a daily effort to feed our hearts and minds with the right information”it is a responsibility to ourselves…”
Can you explain it? I know there is something profound there but I think it’s new to me.
This book you’re talking about that goes into what sounds like satanic seduction…which one is it? Not sure I want to read it but maybe,
Also, I think it was amazing that you were able to discuss your path’s illness with him. He said ” thats just it, it’s not a mode of operation for me, it’s just me, it’s just who I am” ..I thought, I know that you stupid idiot, you still dont get it and that is when I realized, he didnt know what he was or the fact that he really is “disordered”..But I too, was a mess, because although I knew all this, I was still a sick player in the game”I am out of the web now but in the healing process” ”
That capsulates it so perfectly.
I did not get the opportunity to talk to Godzilla that way because he was fired (we worked together) before I realized he was a path…I just knew he was nuts and kind of a big fish in a small pond so I couldn’t understand why he’d hit on me when I might rat him out! Now I know. If I ever had a chance to talk to his sorry ass again, I would definitely go there with him whether he liked it or not. I did email him once when he did something so blatantly hurtful and off the wall directly after he and I had had such a great and fun day, talking, laughing, sharing things. I told him i could no longer be friends as I thought he was acting in a way that was kind of really psychotic. I felt a little scared about using that word with him since he was my boss, but I had HAD it with his insanity. The only thing he would say over the months was that he was “complicated.” Bastard.
Louise, I lock my email carefully after each use and have it set up so that if I forget, it will sign me out automatically. I used to have so many emails there from Godzilla and nothing I wanted him to see. Now, I have all these notes and letters that I write to myself whenever I get some kind of thought about what went down with Godzilla, some bolt of lightening I don’t want to forget, some mini-epiphany or other. I have deleted all Godzilla’s emails as I found myself reading them over and over like a lovesick teenager. Ew disgusting.
Hugs and thanks you guys. Alive, hang in. Take care everyone. Till next time, goodnight.
I had a really interesting experience at work tonight. Tell me what you think.
I waited on a man and woman, and at first, didn’t notice much of anything unusual about them. But as I was doing dishes behind the counter, and very close to their table, I overheard the man say, “I never said THAT.” He went on, but I didn’t hear what he said. I noticed that she was very quiet, and when I would return to the table, she never looked at me, but kept her eyes on her plate. Later, I heard her say, “Oh, you said it alright.” I thought to myself, red flag, red flag, red flag, and Danger will robinson, but I’m sure I didn’t show it in any way. I’m a professional when it comes to my job.
After they finished their meal, she came up to the register to pay the bill, and handed me 6 dollars and said, “this is for our waitress. “That would be me,” I said. She looked at me for the first time and said, “oh, I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been kind of lost in my own little world”. I asked her if everythings okay, there, in that world. She said, “Yeah, I think I’m working it out.” Then, she said the most incredible thing. She asked me if I had a wish to send her on her way with. I looked a little puzzled and she said, I get this very strong feeling that you are someone who is very intuitively aware…do you have something to tell me?”
I told her that I read tarot cards and she was stunned. then I said that I thought she was someone who must be very intuitively aware. She said, “Yes, usually I am. Then she asked again if I had anything to tell her…she said, I just feel like you picked up on a vibe, and I told her that I had a history of bad relationships and that I had been researching psychopaths and narcissists….and I hesitated, and said I could be wrong….she said, no, I think you’re pretty on target. What do you think? I told her I got a red flag when he told her he “never said THAT” and I asked her how long she’d known him. “Just a few months”, she said. “Well, take it slow and watch and get to know him before you put your heart out there.” She thanked me and left.
What do you think about that. I could have played it safe and kept my mouth shut.
Still reeling,
your husband wants to make you feel the way his mother makes him feel. She devalues him and he devalues you. That’s the slime getting passed on.
You don’t have to be a spath to pass on the slime… I don’t think.
Kim,
hi. I first want to thank you for that link from yesterday. It has been a wealth of information. I followed the link to the psychotherapist’s website.
It sounds like you did the right thing talking to her. But I worry about you. Please find a way to get info to people without getting involved. Maybe just give them a link to LF or a brochure from a DV site. Spaths are evil. They have no limits. We can only do so much. I wonder how much my spath had to do with the destruction of my gf’s. None of my friendships survived after the spath. 1 dead, 1 a drug addict, 1 an alcoholic.
The reason I worry is because you live alone and ride a bike to work. and because I know my spath would have killed anyone who got in his way. And none would have been the wiser. He wouldn’t knife you. He would send someone to marry you. That’s how he operates.
skylar, thanks for that….I don’t think you know how much that helps…after being laid off once again, I sit here wondering where to start to pick up the pieces at my ripe old age….it’s very tough to start all over again.
And to know that for almost 25 yrs, my husband has felt he didn’t want to be married, “It’s too hard,” even though he has gotten better about biting my head off and what he calls “teasing” me, esp in front of my daughter when she was little, well, I can’t get past it.
My thought, of course, is that he is 100% right. It doesn’t matter how much I try to justify my actions, and I realize that that’s what arguing is about for me, justifying my G-D actions all the time. Even the way I think. I have tried for all these yrs, even after I gave up about a decade ago and we really drifted completely apart emotionally, I still try to phrase my comments, questions, etc., in a way that will evoke a positive response.
Hey I do things for myself…don’t get me wrong. I’m not a wet washrag begging for his attention, but long ago, he made it clear we weren’t going to take turns watching TV shows or picking movies or restaurants to go to. I went to see the movies HE liked, we ate at restaurants HE liked, etc.
I love Scrabble and board games…he has never played once with me but doesn’t want me to go to the Scrabble group I found in the area, and because of Godzilla and some of what my hub knows about it, I can understand that. So I tread lightly right now.
In the early yrs of our marriage (I never really wanted to get married either…I just wanted him to want me enuf to marry me…pathetic I know but I think we could have been pretty content if he’d been willing to share his feeling a bit more. I just think I would have felt more secure and less anxious). I told him we shouldn’t get married (we were just going to the JP-no wedding). He said, “But we have so much fun!” This is why I did it. Plus my mom was moving here and wow, she was going to put pressure on me to live with her. I would have killed myself or been put in a mental institution if that had happened.
A therapist I had told me exactly what you did. My hub is oldest of his siblings and she said he felt replaced time after time as each new kid came along. Then with a kind but touch-phobic and emotionally unavailable mom, where was he? In the same shell where he resides today.
Sports and outdoor activities are his life. And TV…he gets so involved in even a commercial, he will ignore me when I talk. If I tell him that hurts, that a commercial is more important than me, he gets angry. I think he does a lot of this stuff just to get to me, to punish me for taking his life away.
It makes me feel sick and guilty. I don’t like this feeling. I was such perfect prey for Godzilla….and for awhile it was like a dream come true even tho it was only convos at work and emailing.
Last night, while we we watching the Amazing Race finale, I felt like the guy in one of the couples was saying that it was OK for his GF to stop the challenge because her ankle was so swollen from a previous fall and she was in such pain. She seems like a strong woman and a fighter and didn’t want to give up herself, but I felt she really didn’t want to let HIM down. And I felt like his concern and the way he told her she could and should just drop out of the challenge was not really sincere. I shared that w/my husband. G-d the guy’s body language, his voice, his eyes all said, “DO IT DAMN IT – WANT TO WIN THIS GAME.”
My husband said, “See that’s how you are, you tell me I’m bad or wrong all the time and that isn’t how it is.” In effect, he’s saying I’m a hateful person who wants to see people in a bad light.
My mother had some of those traits and I have worked doggedly hard to NOT BE LIKE HER. I wash and clean every word and thought I have but sometimes I miss. I so wish I had not married and just lived alone so that I wouldn’t have to hate myself so much. He makes me hate me. Now the one thing I held dear, my work, has also turned on me….esp the big company I worked for for 20 years. Being employed gainfully and purposely kept me from thinking these bad thoughts and allowed me to feel at least some confidence. I adore my daughter and she is a feeling person but has his cold edge and says I love you but I can’t read her and she doesn’t need me. What would she need me for???? When she gets sick, my one huge anxiety trigger, she calls and I grab for the Klonopin to try and stay composed so I can soothe her.
Sorry to have gone on so long. I’m just lost and I do not miss not do I want Godzilla in my life in any way. I just want peace.