UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Still reeling, “forgiveness” for me is getting the bitterness out of my heart toward them. It doesn’t mean giving them absolution, or okaying what they have done…they are still what they are, it is just that I no longer RENT THEM SPACE in my head.
Ox Drover
“…it is just that I no longer RENT THEM SPACE in my head.”
Wonderfully put…..
Still reeling, I do love what and the way you write.I told my therapist today about you and it brought tears to my eyes. Your are very encouraging. Thank you..
.I’m not saying to forgive the actions of the “P” but I try to remind myself that he is mentally ill and that is where I try to place the forgiveness…never for what he did or does..I will never forget but i try to soften it by knowing he is out of his mind!..I was a day away from suicide..I had never been at deaths door turning the knob..He has had others attempt and commit suicide…of course, i thought he was just having the worst of luck with women..I had no idea..
Yes, my hub knows about him..the “P” viciously called him 3 times (that i know of)trying to destroy the marriage..the “P” was raging..It was a horrific time.. My hub did not know that I was in contact again for the last year.. I was torn and filled with fear but knew the “P” did not have my best interest in his concerns..i knew when he said he was a “divorce coach”(one of his many jobs and expertise! LOL!) and did 17 divorces, I knew he enjoyed destroying 17 families..i can only imagine how many single women he has destroyed as well..he told me some very horrible stories..
Oh Still reeling, you hit the nail on the head when you said ” I just want him out of my mind and don’t want to keep thinking I’m going to run into him, he’ll see how old and ugly I’ve gotten and he’ll be SO GLAD he didn’t waste time on me”” I think this all of the time!!..and he lives in another state but his father lives here…I am in the gym 2-3 hours everyday and think to myself, why am I doing this!! I am filled with fear of that very same thing..He met me 40lbs heavier and I dont want to go back to that, I went from a size 12 to a size 2 with a lot of muscle mass..but I do know this, it doesnt matter what I look like, he will be cruel and find fault and hit me where I am most sensitive and insecure regardless..that is what I fear, the cruelty. he used the age thing already as defense that I was a stalking crazy old luney at one of the times that he was discarding me…he laughed and said that no one would believe that he was with an old woman like me..that sinister laugh..(we had 3 years)..I have had facial fat grafting and lazer peels and lots more…but now I want even some more done because the last time i saw him look at me (some place) and shook his head.I never had any issues about myself to this degree..weight maybe but not that I was defective and old in every area of my body..he was trying to reunite at the time that is why he held back…but i never plan to see him again..but i hate those thoughts and beating myself up..hate it, hate it..I dont want to hurt myself like that for anybody especially a “P”. I am happy with myself. I am healthy and fit but this relationship with the “P” has made the whole aging process even more difficult.I did lose the ability to use my right hand…the life just left it, I had NO grip strength, it was paralyzed and crippled looking and my hand and arm atrophied overnight. It happened when i was on my way to see him..i was always stressed and a mess of nerves..I was in and out of doctors and saw the top neurologist at Emory..after over $100,000 in meds, they concluded it as a “nerve stroke” (a stroke of an individual nerve cell or a group of nerve cells) because they were clueless and could not determine where it originated. I knew it was from the pain and stress manifesting physically. On a good note, I have gained back about 90%+ of my hands strength and use..it still has no muscle in the hand.
i have so much more to tell you what the “P” did trying to destroy the marriage..that was the “P”s ultimate goal and his biggest challenge…I think my husband knew his part in making me vulnerable to a predator and that is why he stuck it out…there is more to share….I am getting openly personal here on the LF post so if you want me to email you privately, please send it to LF and ask them to forward it to me.
Thanks for everything to all:)
Alivetoday,
We all get older, that’s the life cycle…the media tries to make us think that somehow we have to “stay young” to be desirable.
I was 57 when my husband of 20 years died suddenly in an accident and I felt old, ugly, fat and undesirable…who would ever want me again. Woe is me! Well, along came the P and he was looking for another respectable wife to cheat on and he picked me. Ifelt so great, so young and just wonderful. then I realized what a cheat he was and what a hateful ass. I kicked him to the curb and I just fell flat.
Then I had the “summer of chaos” with attacks from my son and my Daughte rin law and the Trojan Horse my son sent to kill me.
Now, the DIL and the TH-P and the BF are all gone out of my life, and they are miserable and losers. I now love myself and I am “alone” but not lonely. I no longer stress about getting older, it is just part of life. I am now 65…got wrinkles and gray hair and so what? I’m content with myself. Sure it might be nice to be younger but I’ve started to take care of myself, quit smoking, eating better (low salt diet) and you know what. Life is good. I cut the dishonest and dysfunctional people out of my life. Life is good.
Shiat still happens, on the way to my son’s 35th BD party the transmission went out on our truck…but our friends that we were meeting for dinner drove 40 miles to pick us up and 60 miles to deliver us home. How is that for friends? Life is good.
So you know… cut the losers out of your life. Cling to the good people and love yourself. It doesn’t get any better than that.
Thank you Ox…My next birthday I will be 52 and really I have had gray hair since I was 17 and I know I that I look better today than I ever have because I am health cautious and my lifestyle has completely changed. I too quit smoking over 6 years ago..I was working in sales at the gym when the “P” came in to see the gym. I am hoping so much to get where you state you are in your post..that truly is what I am working on and I am presently praying for and receiving the right and good people in my life..I just hate retreating in my mind to those thoughts (if the P sees me again years down the road, if we bump into one another, what he will see..and how cruel he will be about my body change and aging)..I expect with time passing that this fear will leave my mind…….btw, i was always one of those people who would drive 60 miles out of my way to help my friend, we are rare, glad you have them in your life.
Let me just get this out of the way..I read most of the article from http://thesexaddictedbrain.typ…..egacy.html , the link Kim shared and Skylar posted above. However I feel confused. I am in agreement with this comment:
“… I get what your saying about how a sex addict/NPD is made, but you lost me about what this has to do with an APD. Do they feel shame or guilt or neither? Are they the product of a damaged brain resulting from a traumatic childhood, or not?”
It was stated in this article that folks with NPD, sex addicts and I think, paths in general do feel, empathize, etc…very confusing..anyone understand this?
Ox, great post. I’m not far behind you in age and am trying to feel the same way. I do need to work on fear of the future…and hoping the Power of Now, which is coming any day in the mail will be helpful from keeping my past and future oriented mind in the present where it and everyone’s really belongs. Glad you are in a peaceful and + place. I strive for this neutrality re: looks. I don’t see any other place to be. I also work out, try to eat right, don’t smoke (stopped yrs ago-heavy smoker before that for 20 yrs), etc.I just want to get to a place of inner peace, serenity, and stop worrying about everything.
Love your post which bears repeating:
““forgiveness” for me is getting the bitterness out of my heart toward them. It doesn’t mean giving them absolution, or okaying what they have done”they are still what they are, it is just that I no longer RENT THEM SPACE in my head.” Yes, I think allowing godzilla to rent space in my head will finally be the reason for letting him go from my head…also, it sux getting older but the memory getting a little rusty at times *can* be helpful. I recall the days of being young and “in love” with other impossible people and the ruminating and analyzing and sick sick misery. Not going there anymore for some entitled twit, sick or well. It doesn’t matter to me. With narcissism comes entitlement and greed of spirit. I don’t want any part of that crap and want to get rid of any of it that I own. It’s just makes me hate myself when I feel self-involved in a narc way. And I know when those feelings wash over me…I believe I was being narc during my imaginary stint with Godzilla.
Alive, thank you for the kind words as always. It lifts my spirits to know in some way I am helpful to you. I burn with sad recognition for you and your desire to be perfect-looking in case you run into this complete demon and boy he sounds like one of the worst monsters ever. It scares me to think someone like him works with people as anything besides cleaning the bottom of their shoes. EW! A divorce coach? G-d help us ALL. I wish he would rot. Honestly. The world does not need this creature.
I am so sorry about the condition in your hand but glad that you are better and hope that continues. A wake-up call to take care of yourself.
Agree with Ox that we are just products of a greedy media, Madison Ave hoax. But only if we choose to be. In the real world, if you look around you, you will see that most couples who aren’t struting around, watching to see if anyone else is watching, look pretty normal. I watch these things since, being appearance-obsessed (a gift from Mom which I supposed I chose instead of rejecting…she had such power over me, I still have nightmares about it) I am interested. The couples who look most sane and mature are not into making themselves look good. Generally the women have no makeup on, hair is pulled back or very casual, jeans, top, sneakers. If you watch them in restaurants or wherever you may be, they are having conversations, their faces look intelligent, content, mature. I oftentimes can just see the love. I think to myself, “OK that’s real.” Will it last, who knows? But that’s real.
This appearance-obsessed thing is part of a spectrum I believe and I would place this normal couple kind of in the middle towards the “who cares?” end. I think there are many folks out there who do like to wear make-up and fun clothes but they are not really looks-obsessed. They don’t spend hrs every day preparing to go out or worrying about how they look. Then on the other end of the spectrum are -the band of appearance-obsessed…I have been all over this spectrum depending on many diff factors but I was riding the bad end when working with Godz. I have described it here…spent too much $ on clothes (but not that much), fixed myself up when I got to work…looked in the mirror all day, hardly ate for fear of getting something in my teeth (which happens more frequently when you get older and gums sink a little…argh), putting on lipstick sev s per day, checking my hair, brushing my teeth, OMG-it was terrible. TERRIBLE!!!!
I worried that if we got together, and my hair blew the wrong way, he’d see a thin spot or I’d look ugly or if he G-d forbid saw my body which looks great in clothes but hey, I’m old and I’ve given birth and it shows in various and sundry ways! I mean the list of worries goes on and on. What if I had bad breath, what if we went to dinner and I got food in my teeth or I had a nosebleed, or he got a good look at my hands which have looked old since I was a kid (got my dad’s hands!!), how can I keep my chin up (literally) so my neck which is looking somewhat crepe-y won’t look like that, what if I don’t sleep the night before and it takes it’s ugly toll on my looks? And that, my friends, is just the start of all I went thru physically, mentally and emotionally day after day for 6 months.
In a lesser form, it has ruled my life and I have been convinced that I could NOT be loved if I didn’t look good.
End of story.
Alive, you have to hear what I’ve said and stop it. Each time you do something *for* this lousy maggot, you are sinking futher and further into illness. Seriously. Cut yourself some slack. If you enjoy working out, go for it…it def helps with the mood, but he has to be cut out of the picture. I am getting better just posting this.
I am glad I didn’t have to find out what Godzilla would have done or said if we ever went out, but I can tell you, he let his little irritation slip through when he wanted me to catch his cryptic drift and I refused or didn’t really get it. He was patronizing and condescending at times (use the garage across the street, yours probably sux kind of thing. Whatever he did or thought was right, WAS RIGHT) What a dick. Sorry. When I didn’t buy into that, he had this little laugh that said, “You dumb shit.” I can only imagine what he would have said about my body. Glad I didn’t have to find out.
Alive, Ox and others are correct. Focus on the good things in your life, try, try, try and cut out some of the appearance-oriented activities. Let yourself not be in top form all the time….I like to look good and healthy from working out…and that is fine, but until I can actually go take a hike at my favorite place (which is close to some property he owns), and NOT worry about how I look because I might run into him (hell he could be ANYWHERE, DEAD EVEN!) well, until then, I am not cured and I am NOT satisfied with myself.
Let’s get to where Ox is!!! Great goal!
Hugs
Some how writing on LF is alleviating the thoughtlife given to the “P” himself..Hooray!!
I know I am on the road to recovery from this experience…recovery as in acceptance and rebuilding selfworth and self-respect…an awareness of myself and what is reality and what exisit in human behaviors..the part I like about aging, is the wisdom that comes with it…I dont think I would trade that for any youthfulness..I am eager to continue to gain knowledge and apply it to my life. I want my daughter to see an example of a healthy individual…I can how she picked up my bad habits and I see how she has picked up my good habits..I love seeing myself change and having the ability to apply the new tools that I have learned, such as boundary building…I love that I am finding another way to respond to situations than the ones I learned from my alcoholic N mother…I know my daughter watches me and I hope that I can instill the gifts of a healthy lifestyle in the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual arenas…
Because the “P” was a bodybuilder, MMA (and Still reeling, he was not truly a divorce coach, it was another one of his false occupations..such as the day trader he posed as and took all of my life savings!!) I think the superficial attraction that HE was all about, (all along claiming that he hated the superficial)
is the reason the preoccupation with physical improvement seeped in my mind (brainwashing again) that I soon found myself in the throws of his triangulations trying to make me jealous of other women and where I was not measuring up…
However, for me really, in my life, the good it did do was make me know that I am capable of good healthy choices…exercise, diet, etc..I secured my Personal Training Certification just to expand my knowledge..I only used it temporarily as my drive was not to that extreme…I tried Cross Fit for a while too..It was great endorphins but again, I would be zonked for the rest of the day!! So my goal is to branch out beyond the gym and do some volunteer work for recreational activities…I am also a binge eater and I am trying for my addiction from the “P” not to transfer back to the binge eating/obession since he is almost dispersed of in the rental space of my mind!! …
Still reeling, he was a monster of monsters..he was the real deal of a NPD, P with BPD traits…he was satan in the flesh and I was only his puppet…It took a miracle to sever the relationship and to keep me Alive…for this reason alone, I know that each day I have is of value to me and may be to someones else path that I cross…I dont even know who I was during that period of my life with him,,not just for what he did but for my total behavior and complete loss of self, my morals, my values…I truly was as empty as the wind blowing…Putting this experience into action of my present day life, I just made an awesome healthy choice on ridding someone out of my life that I thought was actually a genuine nice person but they had ulterior motives..I felt so empowered by making the right choice and not worrying about if I hurt their feelings or not..It took some effort but I plan on trying to always make the right choices in the future…
Agree with you on aging…I am older but I began to feel as you do at about your age….even moreso now as my mental image of life has shifted from up to downhill…not a nice thought, but, yeah, it is what it is. I like the feeling of not caring so much about small stuff, knowing I can’t affect it anyway and it can’t hurt me anymore.
Like this layoff, for example. I’m sure even at my advanced age, I shouldn’t burn bridges, but I had no problem filling out the exit form to let them know exactly how I felt about the place. What a dump….no respect for the individual at all. And to be honest, many of the people working there didn’t deserve any respect. I tried many x to be kind, friendly, but when people are all tied up in their own heads and very, very immature, they are just in a worthless state. One hopes they will recover, but what with instant grat, entitlement, enhanced greed and all that goes with the technology at hand today, some will never change. Also the way parents today put their kids on a silk pillow and hover over them like umbrellas…so sad.
I recall when my daughter played soccer and at the end of each game, instead of the kids thanking the coaches, the parents first clapped for the kids, then made an archway with their arms for the kids to walk thru…what the f??? I did NOT participate. I hope I explained why to my daughter but I don’t recall…I couldn’t believe how harmful that was to each and every child, thinking they were heroes for playing a soccer game….Lord have Mercy.
Anyway, I didn’t expect the younger set at work to be friends with me but to say hello and act like upstanding citizens of the world, yeah, that I expected. I really hate the thought of going to anymore offices. Don’t want to get into bad feelings.
And my deep, deep love of work has waned so much since my layoff from my beloved Fortune 500 and the way I was dismembered. My mgr for yrs was so embarrassed, he hid from me for months.. We never spoke after the evil lie called a perf eval he gave me.
The day I received an award for a project, he missed the meeting and he was a huge wuss, afraid to ever miss a mtg over which his management presided. After all, you diss a person with a fake performance eval so you can get rid of them while keeping your buddies, then they get an award for their good work…LOL!! I’d run away too! I actually got a standing O that day from my co-workers..I have to remember that as that helps with the extreme anger I still have for that place and that experience.
Anyway, sorry I went off to another place. If you got anything from that maggot, the love for physical exercise would be it. There is nothing that compares in my book for a natural high and just plain healthy all the way around. Just don’t hurt yourself, Crossfit, OMG! I would love to be able to do it and prob would if I were 30 yrs younger!!! Be careful!
I also had eating issues for 12 years, and it was hell so yeah, you don’t want to go there, esp with a daughter around….don’t have to share if you don’t want…but wondering how old she is. As I look back at my life, I see the binge eating, the anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive thinking, all these things are just extreme behaviors. We all like to overeat here and there, we all get anxious and over-think at times, but some people like you and I and others on this forum and everywhere, are obsessives (you had an alc mom, I had an obsessive mom and alc dad).
We have to be hyper-vigilant w/extreme and addictive behaviors…we fall into them so easily. And a path can smell this a mile away and knows just how to hook in.
I’m so glad you’re feeling better about yourself and your choices now. You’re right, your daughter is taking all this. If you have some chats with her about behaviors you think she may have noticed, I think, if done correctly, it can be helpful…she may inherit your tendency towards obsessive or addictive behaviors, and she observes what is going on, + and -, so your comforting feedback might save her from herself if she should have any tendencies.
I’ve def talked to my daughter over the years and she does have anxiety episodes, easily depressed and some obsessive behaviors, but so far, knock, knock, knock a million times on wood, she doesn’t seem to be suffering from any of it. We’ll see…I’m afraid to jinx it by even talking about it!!!
Great post and keep ascending!
stillreeling,
I had to read each article several times to get all the information out of it.
The article is mainly about shame and how it pertains to PD’s.
The shame is “felt” but only for an instant and it immediately get’s turned into endorphins – this is a type of “protective mechanism”, like a runner’s high, where the pain creates a flood of endorphins. They get off on the shame, it feels good to them so they are addicted to shameful behavior.
As far as empathy, the author says that they can feel it but they won’t. They refuse. It frightens them, but again, the fear is not acknowledged.
Spaths live in a world of denial. That’s why they create their own reality.
Thank you Still reeling…i think you made a wise decision about leaving your work…Keep thinking about that standing O when you look for new work!! You sound like you have great discernment and wisdom…
Skylar, that was chilling information…
I’m running out the door again. I’ll try to write later. I will be offline for a few days…
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY !