UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Ox Drover
To answer your question HOW? BEcause you are simply “supply” to him, just someone to provide for HIM. To hell with the fact that he has sucked you dry like a vampire!
Well, at least now you won’t have him to support! Take care of yourself. YOU DESERVE IT, he doesn’t.
woundlicker
The similarities continue. Ex spath stole passwords, spied, stalked, and totally hated women.
About psychopaths screwing man, woman, child or animal, I have one more to add. Do NOT read on if you don’t want too much information. Drum roll please……ex spath loved, er, how do I say this?….I’ll just say it, he loved going down on himself, releasing in his own mouth and sodomizing himself and emailing me the the pics. I wanted to laugh, barf, and cry at the same time. He thought that was the hottest thing ever.
I didn’t want to offend anyone or be so vulgar or inappropriate but it is cathartic to get out all the painful stuff little by little. I’m sorry.
There’s just so much crap I witnessed being with a spath that has affected me negatively. And that’s putting it mildly. I’m exhausted just thinking about IT for a few minutes. It wears me out.
Ana
Woundlicker,
Wow, now I’ve heard everything! So, it’s true that they CAN actually screw themselves….Lawdy.
woundlicker
I know, just insert joke here! I never told anyone that (how could I?), but I want so bad to purge everything. Truth is, I was so messed up being with a spath that it actually crossed my mind that I felt a bit jealous that he was so freakin’ limber! How wrong is that? Dang, there was nothing I liked about myself being around that soul eater.
Ana
Woundlicker,
Thank God you got away from this sicko! Count ya blessings! Just imagine the rage he’ll feel when he’s old and feeble and can’t do that particular trick anymore!
Louise
woundlicker:
Wow! How is that even possible? He had to be REALLY limber! Hahaha!!! Now I have heard it all! 🙂
woundlicker
I wondered the same thing…HOW?! And then I thought…GROSS!
That is a hilarious thought, his rage at not being able to do that when he’s older. It’s sad, pathetic, and funny as hell.
skylar
woundlicker,
lol!
there are so many comments I want to make.
none of them are appropriate.
lol!
I will say tho, that I understand the need to just expel the whole vile experience. I’ve done that here. Some of the long time LF members know more about me than they want to!
You’ve illustrated an important fact about spaths: if they can get away with it, they will do it. As my spath once projected at me, “you have no limits”. We all know that means “I have no limits.” That’s the definition of a spath.
woundlicker
Don’t I know. He made very suspicious comments about his own sister. I actually challenged him on that one by asking “who talks about their sister like that?” No limits is right!!!!’
clair
“**sigh** it seems so much easier just to rescue a dog from the local shelter then deal with the complexity of human relationships in this day and age. Things have become so dangerous.”
silentstorm, I so agree with you! Ain’t it sad??