UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
Woundlicker, my heart goes out to you..just once you get exposed to “things” (cant think of a word) like that repeatedly, the heart begins to harden and it doesnt seem so “dark”….I long for a clean heart again…when memories come up or anger at myself for stooping so low..to protect my heart, I say “that is not my reality” it isn’t, never was and never will be…
Panther, when i go back and read my last skype message to him at which I initially sold my soul to the devil and told him i was his to use in any fashion he wished, that i have chosen to follow him..ugh, i get so sick to think that was Me!! and then in that same message was when he told me he was “done” with me. (that was a blessing) ..I know that that was truly NOT ME…that is not who I am, i was brainwashed. I am not alone and I have forgiven myself and I know God has forgiven me….it is unfortunate that all of this happens to such good caring people.
I feel like I was brainwashed too. When I read the 6 word memoirs we posted to each other I see clearly how it all progressed. The last one I posted said taking a chance on love hope it’s real….so even then I had my doubts. I read that victims often ask, what did he want from me? What he wanted was never enough. Even getting me to the point that we started divorce proceedings wasn’t enough. It’s so baffling.
I get the clean heart thing. I am a friend and outgoing person who never had to be afraid to smile and say hello to men because in mind it was always polite and innocent. Now when a man looks at me, I turn the other way….won’t make eye contact….and forget saying hello. I’m so self conscious. He had ruined my spirit.
I wonder when if ever I will be the same???
snowwhite:
Oh, dear…I am exactly the same way…exactly. I can’t look at men now. Even just an innocent hello…I turn away. I just can’t. Self-conscious is a perfect way to put it.
I don’t think I ever will be the same. I really don’t. I may heal, but never the same.
Hi Louise
I think when I was younger I was not as outgoing and definitely more cautious with men. Being 49 and married for 25 years I never felt like I would ever send the wrong message to a man. I just never even conceived of being with anyone else or anyone else pursuing me relentlessly. I was unprepared for it and totally overwhelmed. When the love bombing started I cried everyday just thinking that I might be meant to be with someone else.
I don’t see your story posted. What happened to you?
Snow
Alivetoday, thank you for understanding. It has been overwhelming the things he exposed me to that I never knew before. That includes feelings inside me I never felt before, rage and bitterness being the biggest. I cant wait to have a clean heart, too. I know it will come for us because we’re working on it. By being here on LF and sharing our experiences and advice I feel we will be better for it in the long run-new and improved! 🙂
Snow, I was also not looking and in no way pursued the ex spath either, but it seems a common trait with psychopaths is the joy of the hunt. They are predators and we were their prey.
You’ll be back to being comfortable enough around other men to make eye contact or say the innocent hello because you’ll already have the knowledge of a sociopath. All of this hell will prove to either strengthen you or destroy you, your choice not the ex spath’s. I believe you’ve chosen the former.
Think Ladies Think! And NEVER disregard those redflags!
I am so damn in tune to my red flags now it’s scary. Thanks, ex spath scum-sucking, lowlife, turd-eater for unintentionally giving me the gift to follow my gut instinct from now on. Oh, and also may you burn in hell. But thank you. Barfbag.
snowwhite:
It’s a long story (aren’t they all). Basically, I was conned big time by a married man at work and a girlfriend he was triangulating me with. It was a double heartbreak as she was my friend and duping me and he was also duping me. He was separated at the time and she is married. I am single. I was so emotionally a mess that when a voluntary buyout was offered at my company, I took it. I did it as I couldn’t take seeing him or her any longer. I knew she was lying to me, but couldn’t prove it at the time. I fell so in love with him and then he disappeared. He went back to his wife (after more than a year), but he didn’t tell me (shows how much I meant to him). I was an absolute wreck. So I gave up a 12 year career and walked away. It will be two years in August. I should also say that he was and still is in a high position at the company and I was not. He used his extreme charm and power to seduce me.
Please feel free to ask questions if you want.
Hi Alivetoday,
I can relate so well to what you’re saying!
I got your email. I’ll respond to you there.
Take care
Woundlicker – change that ID!!! 😀
I’m glad to read some righteous indignation from you, now. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!! I’ve ranted and raved into thin air! LOL But, just getting it out of our innards and into the Universe is a huge relief for me.
Big hugs to you.