UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following essay from a reader whom we’ll call “SnowWhite” describing the heart thief she encountered.
He is clever and cunning. He has many talents. He sees you before you see him. It may be something you are wearing that attracts him. Maybe it’s your laugh or your spirit. You are vulnerable. He knows it. You are trustworthy and caring. He knows it. You have only been with two men your whole life. He knows it. You are lonely. He knows it. You have been married for 25 years. He doesn’t care.
He is a carpenter. He builds your trust and friendship. You see him weekly in your workout class. One day he smiles at you. The next day he says hello. Months go by. Each day he shares his story and hardships with you. You are compassionate and feel his pain. He knows it. He becomes your friend. You start to text each other. He becomes your confidant. Before you realize what is happening, he is becoming your best friend, one by one replacing all others. The bond with your husband begins to loosen. He has been saying good night to you for weeks in his texts. You are addicted.
One fateful evening he tells you that there is something special between you. It is more than friendship. You agree that there is an attraction but cannot act on it. You are married. He persists. You are confident that the friendship is more important. You are strong. You can handle it. He is stronger, more powerful. You don’t want to lose the friendship.
He is a gardener. He plants the seeds of doubt telling you your husband and marriage is broken. He cultivates them until they grow, taking root in your mind. You start to believe.
He is a poet. He tells you it’s love. His words are sweet. You start to fall.
He is an architect. He builds and lays out what your life would be like with him. He will give you everything you need as a couple. You will be happy.
He is a painter. He paints a beautiful picture of what could be, a picture of you his “future wife”.
He is relentless. For months you resist but are afraid of losing the friendship and connection. He knows it. He wants more. He threatens to end the friendship if you cannot be with him. You seek therapy. It doesn’t help. He is powerful. You feel helpless in controlling your own emotions. You agree to stop talking — one too many times. You agree to end it and meet one last time. Then it happens. You have no control. The connection is too powerful. He now controls your mind and body.
The weight of him telling you he is waiting and alone bears down on you. He tells you that you must leave your husband. The pressure builds. You feel his pain and want to heal him. You are confused. Your life starts to unravel. You start to lose your soul. You are confused.
He is NOT a cardiologist — he cannot fix your heart. For the heart will always find its way to love that is true, real, honest and everlasting. The heart knows. It is resilient. My heart will recover.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
A sociopath explains how she loves
behind_blue_eyes
“He is NOT a cardiologist” he cannot fix your heart.”
But after him I needed one…
Ana
LOL OK whoever started it: THANKS!
woundlicker
Blue eyes~ I actually had cardiac arrest and needed heart surgery about a year and a half after it was over with the ex spath. It was WPW but the doctor said stress brought on the cardiac arrest. My heart had to be shocked on two occasions.
I guess laughter IS the best medicine and this has been a big dose for me getting the ex spath off my chest last night and today.
Thanks for putting up with me. 🙂
Ox Drover
Zootowngirl,
Hang in there, and remember Michael J. Fox….I just read a great article/interview with him about how he copes with his disease and the effects it has on his life. I have a friend with early on set parkinsons, he’s had it for about 5-6 years. God bless and just keep your nose focused on a healing path AWAY from this guy! and, no, he didn’t love you, but you loved him….they are not capable of love as we know it, only mimicking it. (((hugs))) and God bless.
snowwhite
Hi All
It’s good to see everyone having a laugh today:)
I sent a copy of the heart thief to “prince charming” when I ended it. I wanted him to know that i knew exactly what he dud to me He texted me back saying….he didn’t know whether to laugh or be even more upset with me.” Him upset….did he not think I would catch on to his games sooner or later.
How long do you all give him unt his new victim catches on????
Snow :))
skylar
Snow, how big is her bank account? The con lasts as long as the money does.
woundlicker
I say 3 months to catch on, 6 months to leave.
behind_blue_eyes
Woundlicker;
Like yourself, while I do not blame my need for open-heart surgery entirely on my x-spath (did not know him long enough for that, and I had a legal situation with a sociopath employer) he was the last straw in what resulted in a physical and emotional collapse., one that took three years to recover from.
skylar
BBE and Woundlicker,
I can totally see how you could EASILY end up with heart surgery after a spath. I was extremely lucky that I have a healthy heart, because when I realized what he was, my heart went into overdrive. It would not slow down for almost a month. I went to bed with it sped up and woke up the same way.
I lost a pound each day without exercise, diet or pills! I’m gonna market it. “Lose weight fast! Spend 1 week with a spath and you’ll be ready for the beach! Lose 10 lbs for the low, low price of $199.00”
I wonder if I could do group sessions…
woundlicker
I gained 30 pounds since my nightmare ended and that was WITH diet and exercise. My doc told me it was turning 40 and hormone changes yadda, yadda, yadda. Of course it would be a triple blow for me- heart surgery, depression, AND a big fat ass.
I think I should change my name to Charlie Brown.