UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here’s more of her experience about “things people say.”
I’ll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: “You’re paranoid.” I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they’re the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does.
I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, “Trust your instinct.” He told the audience to take women seriously when they have these stories (like those on this blog) and that if she is a co-worker you should elevate these stories to security for everyone’s safety because it could easily become a workplace shooting.
Paranoid
But continually I have had people in my life say I am paranoid since my ex came into my life. HE used to tell me I was paranoid. Crazy. Hysterical. Depressed. I wasn’t. I was living in a psychological and physical war zone. People who survive sociopaths have survived wars. The people on the blog are war-buddies.
The funny part is watching how the people who told me I was paranoid act when their blinders fall off. Like my parents, every few weeks another blinder falls off. When the death threats came in, they were in shock and they never said, “You told us so,” but they started taking things a bit more seriously and realized that when they told me I was paranoid that he was going to kill me (Well, yes, he hit you, he lied to you, he had an arrest record, but he’d never kill you. He’d get in trouble. He’s not that stupid), they were wrong. The sad part is watching them go back into denial as the “living with death threats” thing starts to become routine.
A strange event happened the other day. I called the police. My parents say: You know that was just a random thing that happened. You’re paranoid.
Really?
Responsibility
I am going to start telling people in my life, you are not allowed to tell me I’m paranoid or that I chose this guy. Not only is it horribly deflating, it goes to the heart of what I am healing from and getting stronger by.
When people tell me “You chose him,” they are telling me I have to take more responsibility, but taking more than my share of responsibility for what happened is what kept me in the bad relationship longer than I should have been. Because I started to believe it was my fault, because he told me it was my fault. If I could just fix me, then maybe he wouldn’t have to get so crazy and mean. It took me several years of dangerous experimenting with every “me” I could be, to realize it wasn’t ME. Yeah, I don’t have a problem taking responsibility and I don’t need help taking more.
When people tell me “You’re paranoid,” they are really questioning my instinct and telling me not to listen to it. I am a year and a half out from living with an abuser and a gaslighter; I am largely over the hyper-alert period. I know what I feel. Doubting that was also what kept me in the bad place: Maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he did do that for my own good, maybe I am being too judgmental, maybe I should give him another chance. Not doubting my instinct to walk out that last time was what let me walk out!!!!
I’m not going back there. Not even in a mental sense.
Learn more: Beyond betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 27, 2010.
The sociopathic MO in three easy steps
Oxy, yea I would fail the cake test too…but I like the analogy … its funny reminds me of “want their cake and eat it too” which was quoted so many times for my situation… should it be “eat it all”?
Flower, don’t know if you read Eric Berne’s book “Games People play” which is Transactional analysis with the 3-position Triangle, rescuer, persecutor and victim, and of course the roles change. It is like musical chairs with all players taking turns playing all the different roles. It explains a lot.
Most psychopaths relish the role of “victim” as it justifies them being abusive in return.
Many abuser present themselves as victims….to encourage you to rescue them. Well, I have to go to bed now! Later tomorrow.
skylar, I agree with what CAmom wrote “If they are spaths, then you need to accept that. Maybe you don’t need to stop loving them, but you can change the dynamic.”
Do you feel that if you accept it… that you have to cut them out of your life? Can you untangle yourself from the drama… and just be boring… might give you a chance to sort out your thoughts. Observe, you are very good at that! Steer the conversation away from you for now, hold your cards close.
Maybe they were just lousy parents, but still able to feel love for you. What you described makes it sound like they were both cut from the same bolt of cloth. If they are spaths, wouldn’t they have destroyed each other by now? Do they show love to one another?
I admire you for being able to be so open and discuss boundaries (or lack of them). It is such a painful subject for me to think about.
Please don’t fall apart!
To Kim, One, Oxy & Hope –
How about
“We wish you a Merry Towanda and a Spath-free New Year”?
(to be sung, of course, to the tune of “We wish you a Merry Xmas…”)
🙂
skylar,
I appreciate your posts about your upbringing (I am so sorry for the way you were (and have been) treated throughout your life (by family and non-family members), just wanting you to be free of all the inflicted damage). You’ve reminded me that my children need to know that I love them and that they are blessings to me (conveying this by words and actions – which I think that I do). Being able to provide for them (earning a living) is a must, yes, but also something that I enjoy doing, needing to articulate this to them (so that they never have any doubts about this fact). Your story about your parents just impresses upon me how I can do things better in my own household, fine-tuning me. Sky, just know that You are a Jewel, precious.
aussie girl – how about we take it one step further (no pun intended)…
“We wish you a Merry Towanda and a Shiat-free New Year”?
Sky – i have a long post to you about boundaries..can’t get it done before i go out. will be back later. thanks for being so open and honest! X
Dear One –
as all spaths ARE shiats, I see no difference in the two and think that they are therefore acceptably interchangeable : )
thanks everyone for holding my hand I as walk through this, it is starting to “gel” for me.
yes flower, they act like martyrs. I’ll check out Karpman.
shabby and camom,
I think I should go NC if they can’t be fixed. They are so good at creating guilt. I want to confront them but if they are P’s then it’s a mistake, right? My father’s mom was a horrible manipulative witch. But he speaks of her as a saint. My mom, has told me all the rotten stuff witch did. But dad can’t see it. My parents were well trained in the art of martyr spath.
bluejay,
glad my trials are helping bring light, that’s what it’s about -learning and teaching each other.
onestep, I’ll keep checking in for your post