UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here’s more of her experience about “things people say.”
I’ll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: “You’re paranoid.” I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they’re the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does.
I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, “Trust your instinct.” He told the audience to take women seriously when they have these stories (like those on this blog) and that if she is a co-worker you should elevate these stories to security for everyone’s safety because it could easily become a workplace shooting.
Paranoid
But continually I have had people in my life say I am paranoid since my ex came into my life. HE used to tell me I was paranoid. Crazy. Hysterical. Depressed. I wasn’t. I was living in a psychological and physical war zone. People who survive sociopaths have survived wars. The people on the blog are war-buddies.
The funny part is watching how the people who told me I was paranoid act when their blinders fall off. Like my parents, every few weeks another blinder falls off. When the death threats came in, they were in shock and they never said, “You told us so,” but they started taking things a bit more seriously and realized that when they told me I was paranoid that he was going to kill me (Well, yes, he hit you, he lied to you, he had an arrest record, but he’d never kill you. He’d get in trouble. He’s not that stupid), they were wrong. The sad part is watching them go back into denial as the “living with death threats” thing starts to become routine.
A strange event happened the other day. I called the police. My parents say: You know that was just a random thing that happened. You’re paranoid.
Really?
Responsibility
I am going to start telling people in my life, you are not allowed to tell me I’m paranoid or that I chose this guy. Not only is it horribly deflating, it goes to the heart of what I am healing from and getting stronger by.
When people tell me “You chose him,” they are telling me I have to take more responsibility, but taking more than my share of responsibility for what happened is what kept me in the bad relationship longer than I should have been. Because I started to believe it was my fault, because he told me it was my fault. If I could just fix me, then maybe he wouldn’t have to get so crazy and mean. It took me several years of dangerous experimenting with every “me” I could be, to realize it wasn’t ME. Yeah, I don’t have a problem taking responsibility and I don’t need help taking more.
When people tell me “You’re paranoid,” they are really questioning my instinct and telling me not to listen to it. I am a year and a half out from living with an abuser and a gaslighter; I am largely over the hyper-alert period. I know what I feel. Doubting that was also what kept me in the bad place: Maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he did do that for my own good, maybe I am being too judgmental, maybe I should give him another chance. Not doubting my instinct to walk out that last time was what let me walk out!!!!
I’m not going back there. Not even in a mental sense.
Learn more: Beyond betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 27, 2010.
The sociopathic MO in three easy steps
gem – i got a little computer virus and had to shut down and run scans. I did post a message to you on the same thread when i got back online letting you know what happened. i didn’t even know that you had posted your addy. Not a matter of me not doing what I had intention to, i couldn’t. 😉
i would love to see your paintings. I don’t need your email addy, just your fb name and then i can take a look. whatever you feel comfortable with gem. sorry, i haven’t set up another email where you could email me. i do remember your first name, so if you used it and your last name as your facebook profile name, just give me your last name.
are we good?
got it.
🙂
Also, can you let me know if you manage to access my FB, and go to the folder with “some of my paintings” in it.
The one of the Seagull, {which is I think one of my best,}was one she threw red paint on, but my husband managed to carefully peel it off. It was acrylic scarlet paint, so hadnt bonded to the oil paint underneath.
A few years ago, before I removed the red splash, she asked me,
“Mum, how did that red paint get there? ”
This was long before I knew about gaslighting, and I only said,
“Darling, it was an accident.”and left it at that. She never mentioned it again.
The only reason I still have the oil Portraits is because my chauvinist bullying brother had them stored in his shed after my Mum and Dad died.Before this, they were stored in Dads attic.,in Scotland.{loft.}All my parents stuff, including all my paintings left behind in Scotland, were sent to south of England to my brother,s place.It took him from 1992 to 2009 to get around to sending them. Id asked for a quote for the cost of shipping them to me in Oz,but when they finally arrived, I saw hed paid 200 British pounds to send them.I thought,”Sod him, let him pay for it, I only waited 17 years for them!!” No note or letter came with them.Nothing.
If they had been in my old home in Sydney, Im quite sure my ex would have burned them, along with my clothes a nd shoes,
and any paintings I hadnt rescued, or my daughter hadnt destroyed.
Such is life with spaths.
Love,
Gem.X
gem – i have found your page, but all of your images, except your profile picture, seem to be hidden. you must have your privacy settings for your pictures, wall and updates set so that I can’t see the paintings. When i sort out a new email address, I’ll let you know, and maybe you could send me the pictures of your painting.
I remember the story of how you got them back. some small miracle i’d say.
One,–I have gone back into my FB site and I have changed it so that all my pics in every file can now be viewed by everyone. Sorry, I had no idea that there was a block on these pics. I think that now youll find you CAN see them!
Love,
GemXX
One, BTW, I had several of these oil Portraits exhibited in the RSA< {Royal Scottish Academy}in Edinburgh, in 1962.
I won the James Guthrie award for the best and most promising young Portrait Painter,in that year. I was 22 years old .Id just finished a Graduate 4 year course in Drawing nd painting at Edinburgh College of Art,and then went on to Teachers College in Edinburgh.{2 more years of study}.
The portrait of Jane,-she had been married to an Alcoholic, who had been a successful Lawyer, but ended up setting fire to his mattress and dying in a doss house in Edinburgh.I met her at Alanon.My alcoholic ex had just joined AA.The water colour of the baby was my adorable baby girl, Deborah, at around 6 weeks old. Shes now 46, my spath daughter..Painted in Singapore.
Love, gem.X
figured you would!
well, we are deep in fb weird – it still shows NO photo albums. I did get to your profile photos via the one pic of you on the couch with the bear (is that your home?), but when i ask to see all your photos fb says, ‘The page you requested cannot be displayed right now. It may be temporarily unavailable, the link you clicked on may have expired, or you may not have permission to view this page.’
i’ll try again later.
One, Ive double checked my FB files{including my photos of Paintings,}, and they all now have “access to everyone” on all of them.
Maybe it takes a little while to process, I dont know. maybe if you try later?
If not Ill send them when you give me your email addy.
OK?
Love,
GemXX
sounds good gem. 🙂
one step,
Your post to me was very appreciated and made very good sense.
Onestep said:
It’s about power. Is it internal and coming from your soul/ spirit/ self or ego driven and striving for control of self and the external world. Or is the locus of power external ”“ the wishes of others controlling you, be they active in your life or in your mind (people pleasing selflessness).
I’m beginning to see you are right. That might be why they call what I do when I shop “POWER SHOPPING”. Our language reveals so much more than what is on the surface. I’m getting personal power from that behavior, power that I don’t experience in other areas, like personal relationships. To me, my behavior seems narcissistic. I only noticed it when it was pointed out by my BF. he wasn’t criticizing, he says he likes it.
The Locus of my power is definitely external.
I’ve known that I had this problem for a long time: I really don’t like to do anything that doesn’t make other people happy. I need that approval. I never learned to give my own approval. I realized it, in an instant, last year when I went back to live with my parents and I was in a traumatized condition from seeing the exP’s mask come off. I saw both my sisters’ dolls on display in the rec-room -both in pristine condition. I remembered how I had been forced to give my own doll to my little sister so she could chew on its head and she ruined the hair. I was 4 yo. I remember watching in agony as she chewed and chewed on my baby doll that I loved like my own daughter. During that time I was completely broken down and made submissive to other peoples’ happiness. I completely repressed the ability to say, “that’s not fair, it’s my turn, where is my share?” I know it happened with that doll. It happened every day for months. She was born evil and my mother fed that evil and nurtured it. Today she is a full-fledged spath, and as dumb as a sack of bricks.
Because this happened so young in my life and it was reinforced so often over the years, and then later by my exP, I find it difficult to begin to reverse it. Not sure where to start. Can’t afford therapy. But I AM determined to reverse it. Meanwhile I have – like Oxy says – learned to function in my dysfunction. So, when I have something I want to do, I find someone else who will also benefit, so that I have a cheering team. If I can’t find a partner to join me, I lose all hope and it doesn’t get done. Power shopping is easy because our society really really encourages us to shop and there are lots of power shopping forums for us titewads.
My BF does encourage me to act selfishly all the time. I feel bad doing it though. I’m going to begin by NOT feeling bad – ick – just thinking about NOT feeling bad, FEELS BAD. This is going to be harder than I thought.
Anger is a powerful motivator too. In fact, I had forgotten that. Kathleen pointed it out the other day. She noticed all the anger in my post. I have used it in the past to accomplish what I needed. It’s just not always appropriate and I really hate the feeling, too.
You said that you are still dealing with fear, fear that their are spaths everywhere. I’m not going to argue with you. THERE ARE. Even when there aren’t spaths, there is spath behavior and dishonesty. I’m getting so much better at spotting it and you know that you are too. I’d like to tell you to trust your instincts, but I don’t really trust mine, they are too messed up. But I do trust my intellect. We talk about red flags here all the time, so we know what to look for. We really can’t be fooled again. It’s just hard when our emotions beg and plead for us to ignore what we know because, like any addiction, those emotions need to be fed.
Anger can be used to fight fear too, but I think it’s only appropriate in short bursts, followed by deep contemplation to see what was revealed in the outburst. Kind of like Gem described as her volcano blowing up. When she finishes blowing up, she will look to see what is left and what got uncovered. Volcanic eruptions destroy but also create fertile soil for new growth. and sometimes, precious gems are uncovered too, from all the heat and compression.
I guess we need to work on our integrity. Integrate what we know with what we feel. Use anger sparingly and judiciously.
But most importantly, with a spath, proceed cautiously and show no fear.