UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here’s more of her experience about “things people say.”
I’ll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: “You’re paranoid.” I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they’re the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does.
I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, “Trust your instinct.” He told the audience to take women seriously when they have these stories (like those on this blog) and that if she is a co-worker you should elevate these stories to security for everyone’s safety because it could easily become a workplace shooting.
Paranoid
But continually I have had people in my life say I am paranoid since my ex came into my life. HE used to tell me I was paranoid. Crazy. Hysterical. Depressed. I wasn’t. I was living in a psychological and physical war zone. People who survive sociopaths have survived wars. The people on the blog are war-buddies.
The funny part is watching how the people who told me I was paranoid act when their blinders fall off. Like my parents, every few weeks another blinder falls off. When the death threats came in, they were in shock and they never said, “You told us so,” but they started taking things a bit more seriously and realized that when they told me I was paranoid that he was going to kill me (Well, yes, he hit you, he lied to you, he had an arrest record, but he’d never kill you. He’d get in trouble. He’s not that stupid), they were wrong. The sad part is watching them go back into denial as the “living with death threats” thing starts to become routine.
A strange event happened the other day. I called the police. My parents say: You know that was just a random thing that happened. You’re paranoid.
Really?
Responsibility
I am going to start telling people in my life, you are not allowed to tell me I’m paranoid or that I chose this guy. Not only is it horribly deflating, it goes to the heart of what I am healing from and getting stronger by.
When people tell me “You chose him,” they are telling me I have to take more responsibility, but taking more than my share of responsibility for what happened is what kept me in the bad relationship longer than I should have been. Because I started to believe it was my fault, because he told me it was my fault. If I could just fix me, then maybe he wouldn’t have to get so crazy and mean. It took me several years of dangerous experimenting with every “me” I could be, to realize it wasn’t ME. Yeah, I don’t have a problem taking responsibility and I don’t need help taking more.
When people tell me “You’re paranoid,” they are really questioning my instinct and telling me not to listen to it. I am a year and a half out from living with an abuser and a gaslighter; I am largely over the hyper-alert period. I know what I feel. Doubting that was also what kept me in the bad place: Maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he did do that for my own good, maybe I am being too judgmental, maybe I should give him another chance. Not doubting my instinct to walk out that last time was what let me walk out!!!!
I’m not going back there. Not even in a mental sense.
Learn more: Beyond betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 27, 2010.
The sociopathic MO in three easy steps
Oxy
you had me ROTFLOL!
And I was trying to drive!
Thanks for bringing me back down to earth, I forget that my story sounds like the ranting of a nutjob because it doesn’t sound crazy to me. It’s simply what happened. If I ever need to prove that I’m telling the truth, I will simply describe the Trojan horse’s very unusual penis. How else would I know what it looks like, if he hadn’t been one of the rapists recruited by my exP?
So Skylar are you saying what saved you from your xps was that you were not evil minded because some of you are saved in the end from these xps. What makes my situation bad is that my daughter is not afraid to live on the line.
oxy
The boys spent most of there time with me the last two years after her divorce and now I am not allowed to see them at all My husband is once in a while but very controlled. He is warned that if he brings them near me it will be the last time. I am in this mess because I refused to let them controll me and did turn them into cps. for abuse. they gave them parenting courses and let him back in the home. Now he mentally abuses the kids more than fisiacle abuse which makes it harder to prove. I do bump into my grandchildren once in a while at school. The oldest boy I practically raised and this is very hard on him to. He wants out but do not know how to get him out. I am sure by the time he is 12 he will be a runner because he knows what a good normal life is because he had it once. The other two boys might just grow up thinking what life they have is normal. Will he start fisacally abuseing them again is another fear I have.
SKYLAR,
DRIVING and posting on LF???WTF??? Put that phone down girl!
Honk if you love Jesus, TEXT if you want to go meet him today!!!
Yea, it is crazeeee that we are telling the truth and NO ONE BELIEVES US BUT they believe every lying word out of the mouths of the psychopaths! ROTFLMAO ain’t it the chits?!
Yea, I tell the “story” very seldom now because I know how it makes me sound so I just blog about it here and only on a need-to-know basis for anyone else. For the rest of the world I just (if they ask why I carry a gun or something like that) I just say, “well, there was a crazy x-convict who was stalking our family and he’s out of prison now” Ii don’t go into it all any more…there’s no need to. As for why I don’t see my mother, I just say something like “Well, she still sends money to my son who’s in prison for murder and I think her judgment is very poor.” or something like that. I don’t go into the whole story. Sometimes I don’t even say that, if someone says “how’s your mom?” and I figure they haven’t seen her in a while or don’t know, I just say “Oh, she’s fine the last time I saw her.”
I felt WRONG about that last answer but I’ve decided it is better in THAT situation. With others, I don’t bring her up and most that know I don’t talk to her don’t bring it up.
The woman who drove for egg donor got killed in a car wreck a couple of months ago…she was like 40 and had 2 teenaged daughters…her mother was a friend of the egg donors. I didn’t realize it was egg donor’s “maid” for a while (the photo didn’t look like her, one of those “glamor shots”) anyway, I sent a belated card to her mother and a nice sweet note and a check for $100 and told the maid’s mom to use the money however the family or the daughters needed to. I actually sent more than I normally would have because I figured that the maid’s mom would say something to my egg donor like “oh, I got a nice card from Oxy with a nice check in it” and I don’t know if she did or not, but I have not even received an acknowledgment much less a THANK YOU for the check, and I KNOW that woman has more couth than that and knows that you should send a thank you for every $10 pot of flowers received, so I’m not sure what is going on. She DID cash the check though.
Grandmother, NO ONE “saves” anyone from a psychopath, we have to save OURSELVES. We have to realize that we are “living on the edge” or as you said “live on the line.” If we stay we are putting ourselves at continual risk, even of death! If your daughter doesn’t want to be saved, no one can save her.
My oldest bio son was married to a psychopath and I knew she was what she was from the day I first met her…he lived with her for 7 almost 8 years and during that time he did not have much contact with us, his credit was ruined, and so on…and I blamed HER for the problems he had, but now that she is GONE I realize that the problems were NOT ALL HER….HE does not manage his finances well at all, and though for a while he made a pretense to, and I also know he is a liar—and it hurt to realize that HE was as much or more responsible for the couple “distancing” themselves from the family. It wasn’t just that his wife hated me is why he didn’t come around, it was because he didn’t WANT to come around. She is gone now, and I actually haven’t seen him in almost a year and he lives close by…but I CALLED him out on a lie he told me and he DOES NOT LIKE THAT. I realized finally that he CHOSE to behave like he did and he CHOSE to “blame” it on her. I chose to believe it was “her fault”—but now I see what is really going on with him….but I can’t fix it and he doesn’t see a need to.
Dear Grandmother,
We posted over each other. I have a dear friend who is 82 y/o now but in good mental and physical health. She has 11 kids, and 5 of her kids are psychopaths like her x husband. Her youngest son married a borderline personality disordered woman and had a daughter and then divorced and got custody of the daughter. He is a fireman and moved in with his mother (my friend) and he and the daughter lived there for 8 years with my friend the primary caretaker. He remarried then and REFUSED to let his mother see the daughter she had raised. My friend volunteered in the girl’s school so she could “wave at” the girl across the school cafeteria, she went to the ice rink to watch the girl skate on saturdays and wave from the stands.
The girll is 15 now and my friend I think LIVES FOR that girl, and to see that she has a person to turn to. My friend even made friends with the girl’.s disordered mother so she could see the girl on visits to the mother’s weekend. The mother is a nut job herself but the girl is turning out well.
I understand your pain and reluctance to give up on seeing your grandkids. The one you “raised” for a while I am sure is bonded to you as well as you to him, the others may not even really “know” ‘who you are.
I udnerstand your fear for your grandkids as well and unfortunately EMOTIONAL ABUSE is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
There is a book I recommend to you called “Stalking the Soul” you can find it on Amazon or B&N USED it is not in print at the current time. I have actually purchased 7 copies of this book for my friend (the girl’s grandmother) and she gave a copy to the girl and the girl’s half brother (same mother) and others who have been involved with emotional abusers. The cost of the book is about $15-20 used and they are not always available but keep checking back on amazon or barnes and noble–B&N had a couple of copies last time I ordered for my friend (she doesn’t have internet) but they wanted like $50 each so I ended up buying from Amazon though I boycott amazon as much as I can.
If your daughter has this kind of hatred for you, I doubt that she is going to come around any time soon (just my opinion) and my suggestion would be for you to volunteer at the school or have your husband visit as often as possible and whisper to the boy that you love him and think about him.
He may indeed run, and if he does, maybe you can intervene at that time. I have no confidence in CPS really protecting the kids, I’m sorry that you’ve had such a horrible time trying to take care of your grandkids. (((hugs))))and my prayers!
Oxy
I don’t post while I drive. Only read. I post when parked. I’m no good at texting I am no good at texting. but I speak to my droid and it types what I say. it is fairly accurate but my car is noisy and interferes with the accuracy.
Grandmother
I recommend you give your grandson books to read on narcissism.
Why is it always about you? By sandy hotchkiss is a fairly easy to read book even for a 12 year old.
This is important because 12 is a critical age when the brain is going through a growth spurt and your grandson will decide whether to grow up normal or not.
Dear Sky,
Glad you don’t drive and post or text! LOL BE CAREFUL on the road!!! I’m with oprah about using cell phones and texting while you drive— too risky!
Good recommendation to the Grandmother, maybe she can get him some Books for Christmas and have grandpa give them to the kids and sort of “sneak” that one in the pile and the mom won’t notice!
Dear Grandmother:
I was mother to a child for 4 years, then never saw him again (it’s been over 3 years).
My xspath’s son (my step-son at the time) was sent by his bio mum to live with us because she was having a breakdown (I now know why – she probably had PTSD post-spath and didn’t get it diagnosed) and she couldn’t control the son. He was just 8 1/2 but lying, stealing, vandalising. He was a holy terror to live with and very messed up – and of course, I was caught so deep inside the spath’s web at the time that I couldn’t see that much of the dysfunction and anxiety was actually being caused by the the spath to his own son.
Anyhow – I loved him as if he were mine, always tried to ensure he had contact with his mum (even when the spath opposed it and got mad at me), taught him to read (he had never learned to in the 4 years of schooling he had already had and had learning difficulties), showed him how to be a decent person.
By the time the spath left (kicked out by me with the help of 4 police officers) the boy had already started to become violent and abusive like the father (spath). I still don’t know whether he has the DNA that will set him on the same course, or whether it was the abuse and neglect that made him act the dreadful way that he did at times. My hope is that I did enough to show him what is possible – how to be kind and moral and how to live peacefully – and that he will have the capacity to choose a different life to his father – and that he will do so.
I will likely never see him again. It hurt for a very long time. Now I just accept that our time together might one day be his saving grace.
I hope I am strong enough to never let her completely stop me from seeing my grandsons so when they grow up I will have a chance to get to know them again and pray every night these three good boys do not get brain washed like there mother. I pray they keep there strong spirit and be able in the end to learn that they do not have to lie anymore to protect them selves and realize when they are grown up that it was just a game they had to play now it is over and it is alright to be honest because they were happy honest little boys until that man came in there life. They had no reason to lie.
Thank you for all your advice. I will purchase the books and give them to my grandson. His mother doesn’t read so I am pretty safe. I will give it to him at school though as I opened a day home so I can see my grandchildren when we get together as a group and also get to bump into them when I go to the school to pick up the kindergarten children. The baby I only get to see at day home functions once every two months. I do feel that if I did not do this the boys would feel I betrayed them.