UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here’s more of her experience about “things people say.”
I’ll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: “You’re paranoid.” I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they’re the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does.
I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, “Trust your instinct.” He told the audience to take women seriously when they have these stories (like those on this blog) and that if she is a co-worker you should elevate these stories to security for everyone’s safety because it could easily become a workplace shooting.
Paranoid
But continually I have had people in my life say I am paranoid since my ex came into my life. HE used to tell me I was paranoid. Crazy. Hysterical. Depressed. I wasn’t. I was living in a psychological and physical war zone. People who survive sociopaths have survived wars. The people on the blog are war-buddies.
The funny part is watching how the people who told me I was paranoid act when their blinders fall off. Like my parents, every few weeks another blinder falls off. When the death threats came in, they were in shock and they never said, “You told us so,” but they started taking things a bit more seriously and realized that when they told me I was paranoid that he was going to kill me (Well, yes, he hit you, he lied to you, he had an arrest record, but he’d never kill you. He’d get in trouble. He’s not that stupid), they were wrong. The sad part is watching them go back into denial as the “living with death threats” thing starts to become routine.
A strange event happened the other day. I called the police. My parents say: You know that was just a random thing that happened. You’re paranoid.
Really?
Responsibility
I am going to start telling people in my life, you are not allowed to tell me I’m paranoid or that I chose this guy. Not only is it horribly deflating, it goes to the heart of what I am healing from and getting stronger by.
When people tell me “You chose him,” they are telling me I have to take more responsibility, but taking more than my share of responsibility for what happened is what kept me in the bad relationship longer than I should have been. Because I started to believe it was my fault, because he told me it was my fault. If I could just fix me, then maybe he wouldn’t have to get so crazy and mean. It took me several years of dangerous experimenting with every “me” I could be, to realize it wasn’t ME. Yeah, I don’t have a problem taking responsibility and I don’t need help taking more.
When people tell me “You’re paranoid,” they are really questioning my instinct and telling me not to listen to it. I am a year and a half out from living with an abuser and a gaslighter; I am largely over the hyper-alert period. I know what I feel. Doubting that was also what kept me in the bad place: Maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he did do that for my own good, maybe I am being too judgmental, maybe I should give him another chance. Not doubting my instinct to walk out that last time was what let me walk out!!!!
I’m not going back there. Not even in a mental sense.
Learn more: Beyond betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 27, 2010.
The sociopathic MO in three easy steps
sky – no reflection=no soul.
no soul=unrelenting hunger
unrelenting hunger=equals constant and empty feeding (much as constant and empty feeding(addictions)=unrelenting hunger in non spaths )
no soul/ integrity= no integer/ no true self.
and we see it in people who are non spath, but without developed selves – they try things on, looking outwards for what can only come from within.
but if what matters is the con win – then the best try-ons would be the ones that look socially powerful, either dominance/ aggression or submissiveness/ brokeness; whatever will play in Peoria.
soulless=evil
souless= vacuous, sucking maelstrom, constantly feeding on nothing…Spath
oxy – the first precept of buddhism is: do no harm. it is a profound directive, and exceptionally hard to do. good for you for recognizing it as separate from doing good for yourself. so simple, so hard.
i have put away my salt cellars. still getting salt in foods – but i have put away my beloved salt pots. (i used to joke that i needed a salt lick; a nice blue one to stick my nose into.) so, this is big. it’s a step. and i left messages for a couple of cranial sacral therapists today, and i start physio for my back next week. and sometime this week, i will buy some winter boots and start walking a bit more. it was so cold and lovely outside tonight, i think i could have walked longer.
keeping emotional pain out of my life – well put. healing. powerful.
Wow Onestep,
that was poetic.
replace the = with a comma and it’s just about ready to get published.
Seriously. that is a very disturbing description. I don’t know anything about poetry, you would have to ask Kim, she knows everything about literature, but you might have something to submit to a publisher.
Dear One,
Just an ad came on the computer for Hickory farms Summer Sausage and cheese boxes to send to people and OHHHHH how I love them! Sigh….yes, do no harm, so I am working on stopping the harm, but also doing good for myself as well.
The little things, like the silk shirts and the woolly warm sweaters over them, and my lovely deep comforter on my bed…I got it at an auction a couple of winters ago, it is absolutely lovely and is a DE-lux version that I could never have brought myself to buy retail and I got it for a SONG (I almost dropped over dead that I got it almost for free) with bedskirt, pillow shams and Egyptian cotton sheets 900 count! HEAVENLY!!! The comforter is so light and airy, and so warm and comfy that I feel so “rich” and “pampered” snuggled under it. What a wonderful feeling of luxury to fall asleep under such a warm cover.
Doing the little things for myself, to make myself comfortable, to pamper myself and to keep myself free of those mental “thou shalts, and thou shalt-nots” or the “you should be…..” or “you should NOT be …..” all those things that are almost like “command voices” in a person out of touch with reality.
Sometimes I actually feel those “commands” of shoulds and should nots raising my stress levels, and I say “STOP! There is nothing in this world that says you have to X, Y or Z, or that you can’t X, Y or Z….” We only HAVE to do two things; pay taxes and die! Everything else is OPTIONAL. We have choices and I am going to make some healthy ones. LOL
sky – oh, so glad you connected with it. I was really thinking through your post about the vampire stories being based on spaths – it gave me little chills as i was writing it. the thing that relally struck me was the unrelenting hunger and the lack of ‘integer’. in buddhism there are many realms: people, ghosts, animal, ghost, god, demi-gods (think i go them all). the ghosts are very interesting, they are called ‘hungry ghosts’ – always eating, never satisfied. there are 7 hells in Buddhism. In each hell, the beings are different – in some their mouths are tiny and their bodies huge, and they can never get enough food, in others their mouths are huge and their bodies tiny – and they too, are never satisfied as they are bloated, and cannot cope with all they eat….
and integers – integrity, base ‘oneness’, from the Latin integer, literally “untouched”, hence “whole” – ‘god’. they lack god/ buddha nature/ self/ soul. i need to talk to a math geek about this – i want to know if there is a conceptual correlation in the math world with what i saying.
I am a published author, but have purposely not written anything about the spath yet. i am waiting until it doesn’t scare the hell out of me to go into a stream of consciousness about it.
oxy – i can feel your comforter from here!
“command voices” – brilliant!
One step,
I know next to nothing about buddhism. those are interesting concepts, I’ll have to look into them because they may give me insight into the spath. spaths are definitely hungry.
They’ve been describes as having a hunger that can’t be filled.
They hunger for love, but they can’t feel it. So when they are supplied with love they just rage about how you aren’t supplying enough. It’s sad.
It might be related to a moment in their infant lives when they needed comforting and it wasn’t there.
My exP had spinal meningitis as an infant. His temperture went up over 105. The headache must’ve been horrible. His mom was helpless.
My spath brother was “accidentally starved for a month” by my mom. She didn’t understand the formula directions and added too much water (she is an immigrant who couldn’t read english) . He lost weight as an infant and the doctor could hold him in one hand. He cried and cried but mom didn’t know he was starving.
But they both had other things happen that could have been the trigger. Or, in the end, all of these things plus the fact that they were spoiled little toddlers… who knows.
i genuinely believe it is genetics and circumstance sky – brain injury, either from accident, or fever, can be the circumstance ( in Buddhism this is described as karma ripening), when their is a genetic propensity. in much the same way, i believe my mother’s dementia is caused by physical trauma from physical impact to the brain and anesthetics, mixed with a genetic pre-disposition.
An excellent, scare the pants off of you, book about the hell realms is, The Jewel Ornament of Liberation by Gampopa (amazon should have it)
peace out all – morning comes early… thanks for the excellent company.
g’night one step.
Okay…..boink me….I DID IT!
I feel good about it….I DID IT!
This has bugged the shiat out of me.
The nice gal……’princess Leia’…..who spath was grooming…..and wooing……
The one who posted that he is such a wonderful man he should give other men LESSONS on how to be in a relationship!
Well…..it’s been buggin me for months now……
So today….I had the perfect opportunity to jump on it.
I called her BFF, (not as myself ofcourse….and not even ‘having’ close knowledge of ‘him’).
I called her at her job, waitress at busy time to keep the counter questions short.
I said I was at an event recently (knowledge through FB) and I was a friend of Johns…..(customer)……that I knew her friend Prinecess Leia and that guy she was talking about at the recent event…..I had major concerns for her wellfare!
He is a camelieon and more of a snake who is preying on her loyalty, trusting nature and spirituality.
He’s NOT what he seems…..and he’s been talking publically about their sex life as if she was a peiece of meat.
I’ve seen them a few times down in TT city and she really seemed taken by him.
As her friend, I just want you to be aware that your going to need to keep the life jacket handy…..
Please look into this guy’s felony background and don’t overlook anything.
SHE SAYS……I know……she’s miserable and scared right now!
They are ‘back’ in the tropics together……he took her to be the workhorse and I have NO doubt that her time there resembles mine……leave us at home as he goes off and plays…..coming home to a barage of why isn’t this done, this isn’t good enough….yadayada……doing drugs regularly and don’t know how much she knows of his ‘true’ life and chosen occupation.
BFF asked if I would call her in a few days, she wanted to speak to Princess Leia and get her back on solid ground at home, safe.
That maybe PL wanted to talk to me.
I said…..I don’t have much more information, as I only had heard this through his TT city friends and my contact with him was ‘friendly’ and social…..but he raised my neck hairs with his constant bragging and sex stories and lack of respect for women and then what friends had said about him……
Maybe she would be better off finding ex wives or ex GF’s……to talk to….since she would have more to ask in regards to a relationship status.
(hmmmmm wonder if she’ll look me up?) 🙂
She gives me her cell phone number……and has to go.
So….as we speak…..the seed is being watered and nourished…..and i’m sure she’s DYING to get on the phone to PL for a chat!
Okay…..
Now……I realize that when she is gone, there will be the next, next, next,next and next……victims…..But, i’ll tell ya……this one bugged me…..the previous didn’t bug me like this one…..this one just seemed way too genuine and vulnerable…..and it ate me up!
I feel at peace now. SHe’s aware…..she already was figuring ‘something’ out…..ON HER OWN……so kudos’ to her!
The reminder lesson for me is…….HE WILL ALWAYS EXPOSE HIMSELF….and let that mask slip…..sooner or later.
I have to trust in that!
Meanwhile….he’snow preying back on young 18-20 year old girls from our community…..sick fuck! (friends of my kids) befriending them on FB.
Girls that he will drive a wedge between their parents and them…..(because I’m an adult now and can speak to whomever I choose daddy-0)……
Girls he’s had conflicts with their parents when he lived here…..parents don’t like him.
I wish Spaths had an ‘OFF’ button somewhere……but i’ll keep looking for it, in the meantime…..i’ll keep taking out his batteries.
I just was compelled on this one!