UPDATED FOR 2024. Last week, Lovefraud posted a letter from “Cybil,” I did not choose this guy. Here’s more of her experience about “things people say.”
I’ll call this, “Things people say, part II.” This is the other one that bugs me: “You’re paranoid.” I always have a good 24 hours of self-doubt before I realize they’re the ones that are nuts, not me. I know a lot more about what crazy stuff is out there in the world than your average, never-tangled-with-a-sociopath human does.
I just went to a seminar of a national expert on how domestic violence leads to murder, especially for women. Over and over he said, “Trust your instinct.” He told the audience to take women seriously when they have these stories (like those on this blog) and that if she is a co-worker you should elevate these stories to security for everyone’s safety because it could easily become a workplace shooting.
Paranoid
But continually I have had people in my life say I am paranoid since my ex came into my life. HE used to tell me I was paranoid. Crazy. Hysterical. Depressed. I wasn’t. I was living in a psychological and physical war zone. People who survive sociopaths have survived wars. The people on the blog are war-buddies.
The funny part is watching how the people who told me I was paranoid act when their blinders fall off. Like my parents, every few weeks another blinder falls off. When the death threats came in, they were in shock and they never said, “You told us so,” but they started taking things a bit more seriously and realized that when they told me I was paranoid that he was going to kill me (Well, yes, he hit you, he lied to you, he had an arrest record, but he’d never kill you. He’d get in trouble. He’s not that stupid), they were wrong. The sad part is watching them go back into denial as the “living with death threats” thing starts to become routine.
A strange event happened the other day. I called the police. My parents say: You know that was just a random thing that happened. You’re paranoid.
Really?
Responsibility
I am going to start telling people in my life, you are not allowed to tell me I’m paranoid or that I chose this guy. Not only is it horribly deflating, it goes to the heart of what I am healing from and getting stronger by.
When people tell me “You chose him,” they are telling me I have to take more responsibility, but taking more than my share of responsibility for what happened is what kept me in the bad relationship longer than I should have been. Because I started to believe it was my fault, because he told me it was my fault. If I could just fix me, then maybe he wouldn’t have to get so crazy and mean. It took me several years of dangerous experimenting with every “me” I could be, to realize it wasn’t ME. Yeah, I don’t have a problem taking responsibility and I don’t need help taking more.
When people tell me “You’re paranoid,” they are really questioning my instinct and telling me not to listen to it. I am a year and a half out from living with an abuser and a gaslighter; I am largely over the hyper-alert period. I know what I feel. Doubting that was also what kept me in the bad place: Maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he did do that for my own good, maybe I am being too judgmental, maybe I should give him another chance. Not doubting my instinct to walk out that last time was what let me walk out!!!!
I’m not going back there. Not even in a mental sense.
Learn more: Beyond betrayal — how to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Nov. 27, 2010.
The sociopathic MO in three easy steps
Hey, KAthy, Welcome back! Missed you! Great post BTW and some good suggestions on effective communication! ((hugs)))
Hi everyone,
Well, from a young age i had been in severely abusive situations that had left me as an adult very paranoid, especially after i started to have flash backs and lapses in time and memory. I have no memory from 0-12 yrs old, only a few flashbacks as i have mentioned above. But the paranoia was so extreme for a while that i was really scared most of the time but i had worked hard and became aware of my triggers and also the crippling paranoia. When my X-bf was acting like a spath i would question his behavior and share my thoughts with the 2 people who know me the best, my other X and my oldest son. These 2 people walked with me through my breakdown and witnessed my extreme paranoia so when i spoke of me being fearful of my x-bf they nicely said ” you know that you can be alittle paranoid?!!!” i agreed that i had indeed been paranoid in the past and maybe i was being paranoid. TRUTH, all the while i knew in my gut that i wasn’t being paranoid but it was a good excuse not to have to take responsibility for my staying with the man. Truth hurts! So after he beat me half to death (shattered cheek bone, fractures in upper and lower jaw bones and strangliture marks from a cord or similar object around my neck) I told them that they tried to say i was PARANOID. Well since this happened last month (x-bf) is still in jail but he had someone run a car into my garage door and yesterday my tires were slashed on my car. Follow your gut and as someone mentioned earlier “just because you’re paranoid dose not mean they are not out to get you!!!!!!!” Be safe, RUN away from anyone who would allow anyone to grope or mollest you, period!!!! Trust your gut!!!!! Light and love to you. Caylin
Dear Caylin, Good to see you darlin’ and what you said in your post is RIGHT ON!!! I hope that it goes from your post to the eyes and ears and minds and hearts of others out there who may not escape ALIVE. I am sorry you are still having threats and problems with this stalker–DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO TO BE SAFE!
I am NOT paranoid either, but that does not mean I don’t KNOW THAT SOMEONE WOULD KILL ME IF HE COULD—I think you KNOW your own situation too! Be CAREFUL and you are in my prayers for your safety. Go to a shelter if you have to or a friend’s house! But put your safety first! (((Hugs))))
Kathy
I Love your post. It’s very helpful to have examples Like the ones you wrote . As someone with no boundaries I can sometimes miss when I’m being denigrated. Everything you explained makes perfect sense and it helps me to internalize the ideas.
Thanks
Dear Caylin, I am so sorry you are going through this. There is a National resource that helped me immensely when i was terrorized by by ex boyfriend. They are on call…24 hours a day 7 days a week.
google The National Domestic Violence Hotline (I don’t know if I should put the phone # here?)
From the website…”Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 7 days a week”
Before I knew about sociopaths, THIS was the help I needed right after I kicked the ex out and he stalked me.
God Bless and big hugs. Stay safe. Make the call.
Dear Caylin, I also meant to say that they can direct you how to stay safe, and what resources are in your area.
Thanks Oxy and Skylar,
I wrote it in a rush. I’m afraid it sounded preachy. But I think it’s so important that we recognize when people are being anti-supportive because they have their own issues.
I have to share something that is making me crazy. My ex now has a wife who just gave birth to a baby. On his FaceBook page he announced that “he” is celebrating the birth of “his” child. And there’s a picture of the baby, announcing that she was “created” on the day she was born. Naturally he’s never mentioned the fact that his wife exists (much less carried that child for nine months). And he also announced that he emptied his bank account to go to a six-week seminar in the Caribbean next month.
I want to punch him. Or drive to where they live and rescue her. I know. You don’t have to chastise me. That’s what I get for keeping track of him at all.
But if I didn’t, I might forget how it felt to be “disappeared” by him. Or treated as though any personal needs I had were just tedious drags on him.
The good news is that his wife comes from a very large extended family who all live fairly close to one another. Including a lot of big, brawny guys who are her friends on her FaceBook page. At minimum, she’s not going to be alone and unsupported. Maybe it will turn out even better, and they actually realize what he’s doing to her and deliver a little karma to the stone-hearted creep.
Okay, now I have to go meditate and let go of this stuff that is no longer any of my business. He’s gone. I kicked him out. And life is much, much better.
Whew.
Namaste.
Kathy
Kathy
you don’t understand.
He did actually give birth to the child because his wife is just an extension of him.
did he name the baby mini me?
Of course mini me will cease to exist while he is in the caribbean. Only me and the extensions of me exist. and the extensions exist only while me is using them.
When he leaves for his vacation That might be an excellent time to send his wife a little anonymous gift. a copy of the book why is it always about you?
Sky, You said,
“As someone with no boundaries, I can sometimes miss when Im being denigrated.”
Sky, WHY do you have no boundaries????
You have been on LF long enough to know we MUST have boundaries.!! how can you possibly function without boundaries, esp. as you are living with someone with {you said} Aspergers at least, and poss. he is a spath.
How can you possibly presume to help newbies on LF if you admit yourself, to Having NO BOUNDARIES?Without NC and boundaries, how can any of us heal, and move on?Just asking!
MamaGem.
Oh, Skylar, you are so funny and so right.
And that’s a really good idea.
Kathy