UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Adelade.” After the sociopath, she says, this is the time to learn who she is.
Since the collapse of my second marriage, I have learned more than I would ever have wanted to know about sociopathy and their source targets – better known as, “victims.” At one point, I had believed that my second marriage was stable, trust-based, and supportive, but I have recounted the years and the stunning discoveries that I made about my ex, and the symptoms (or, Red Flags) were all there, though they were more subtle and the absence of physical abuse, helped to frame the ex’s facade.
Through some very strong counseling, I was able to identify that “inner child” that I’d heard so much talk about. I had always believed that the “inner child” was that core of us that was joyous, innocent, and so forth – a positive aspect of our lives. This is not so. The “inner child” is that part of my development that had been so neglected, so criticized, and so damaged that I developed into a perfect co-dependent victim. Nearly all of my choices throughout my lifetime were based upon the damages that were sustained by that child in development.
Depths of betrayal
When I discovered the depths of betrayal that my second ex had perpetrated, I had enough backbone and common sense to realize that there would be no salvaging of this union. I was able to recognize that he had compartmentalized very disturbing and alarming aspects of his personality to such a degree that nobody (including me) could have pegged him for being the ultra-deviant that he is.
Further investigation of my finances uncovered extensive draining of my personal and individual investments down to zero, and this information only resulted AFTER he left. My suspicions had always been aroused, but his manipulations and deceptions were so subtle and effective that I was simply shocked to learn the truth of what had happened to my investments. While we were married, the ex would assure me that my assets were “safe” and “tied up in real estate,” and he would become exceedingly defensive if I ever questioned him about where my money had disappeared to. He would vociferously throw my queries back into my face by responding, “I’m NOT your EX!”
Okay, he wasn’t my ex. I trusted him, on every level. Yet, there was always something lacking, even though I believed our relationship to be honest, supportive, and “healthy.” He didn’t beat me. He didn’t tell me that I was worthless. He didn’t threaten me at gunpoint. He was just seemed relatively introverted and suspicious of other people, including his own family members. In my mind, no abuse meant no problems. But there were problems. He did not demonstrate support of my accomplishments and achievements. He didn’t attend my graduation. He didn’t attend my Honors Ceremony. My triumphs were downplayed and he always had a plausible excuse for not being there to share in my bright moments.
He openly disdained women, which was something that I didn’t understand at the time. When I once asked him if he had ever read any female authors, he replied (and, I quote), “I just don’t think that women have much to say.” Later, when he read “To Kill A Mockingbird” upon my suggestion, he asked me if Harper Lee had written any other books because “he” had written such a great story. I had remembered his view of female authors, and I took great relish in saying, “Well, SHE won a Pulitzer Prize for that work and it was the only thing that she ever needed to write.” He was floored, to say the least, that Harper Lee had been a female author with her one and only work earning a Pulitzer. In retrospect, I can pinpoint various “red flags” that directly substantiated his intense hatred of women, especially accomplished women. The imagery that he found to be sexually stimulating demeaned women through rape, torture, genital mutilation, murder, and necrophilia.
I stopped blaming myself
Hindsight is always, 20/20, and I tried beating myself up about missing the clues. I’ve stopped blaming and shaming myself for his betrayals because he was one of these types that would be defined as a Case Study in the psychological world. He made deliberate choices to deceive and compartmentalize what he truly is. My physician, counselor, family, and friends, have all mentioned that they thought that these types of situations were only found on CSI or other crime shows – my situation is something that just blew their minds because it was so warped and they each knew the victim of something that couldn’t possibly exist outside of a scripted crime drama.
There’s a lot of discussion about shame and blame, and I think it’s a moral and emotional imperative that those of us who have been victimized by a sociopath need to be kinder to ourselves. “Should have” is a game that begins with the deliberate, calculating, and malicious machinations of the sociopath. To let go of that shame and blame takes a lot of hard work, self-talk, and strong counseling (IMHO). No matter how much we read and absorb about sociopathy, our personal experiences forego all of the literature and we must soothe our damaged souls in order for those horrific wounds to begin closing up. Those wounds will always be visible, but they will heal over and be a reminder to us of what we survived, and what we need to look out for in every relationship, whether platonic, romantic, work-related, etc.
The “love” that the sociopath took from me and ground into the dirt is now devoted to my own self, my family, and my friends. I have made a conscious decision that I will not ever entertain another partnership for the rest of my life. Sure, I’ll have men who are friends and mentors – I do not have a beef with men. I know that women can be sociopaths just as easily as men can, and nearly all of my relationships have to remain superficial for the foreseeable future. My energies must be devoted to me and my healing, before I open up that door of trust again. And, as for sex — the fact that I had lived with, made love to, and slept beside an individual for almost 15 years that finds violence, torture, and murder of women to be of sexual interest has shaken my own views of my personal sexuality down to its core.
My time
This is my time. This is time for me to learn who I am, who I was meant to be, and take steps to become the person that I want to be and to not base my emergence upon what I think that others want me to be. Whatever the ex did is not my concern, with the exception of the financial resources that he took from me. I am the keeper of my own boundaries and healing. “Understanding” what makes a sociopath behave the way that they choose will not – will not – ever change what’s been done, nor will it prevent someone else from being victimized by my ex. I must simply recognize and accept is that there are some very bad people in the world and that they typically follow a generalized pattern of behaviors. What I must now learn to do effectively is identify the signs of sociopathy and run like hell from anyone who fits the profile, no matter whom they might be.
Learn more: How abusive parents affect you and how you can recover
Lovefraud originally posted this story on March 22, 2012.
Morning, Oxy !
The kids are each going through their own misery brought on by N-dad. Daughter 18 is graduating HS and getting ready for the community college here in town. She will go there the first 2 years and transfer to a state university after. It’s a pretty good savings for 2 yrs and all I can do on my own. I have to get a roof over their heads first and land on our feet – then I can revisit the next 2 yrs of college for her. Of course, she did not get to visit colleges like her other friends and have more choices of where she would attend. I also need to get her a car but I’m waiting for her to land a part-time job. It breaks my heart that all the reasons I worked so hard over the years for my kids’ future don’t matter anymore. She is seeing my counselor for awhile now for a mix of issues from our family life over the years. He’s an N specialist and wonderful with her.
My son 13 struggles with what is going to happen to his dad. Mostly where will he live when the houses sell. He doesn’t want him to go to an apartment or too far away.
And I Fear moving too far in time- although I need to for my sanity – because that may push my son right to live with dad. I couldn’t handle that – it’s hard enough when he picks up the N’s habits now.
Son is also afraid his dad will move in with Skank and my son does NOT want to be there for parenting time.
I’m not sure dad will consider our son’s feelings at all.
You know, Oxy – what rattles me most is trying to understand why I feel so bad for how things have wound up for N – he did all this himself- made decisions without me- and yet I feel bad at times when I look at him and what he has done to even his own life. What the hell is wrong with me? Oh I do hate him too but why shed tears over his fate? There is a sadness – deep – that comes up sometimes like I tried to save him from drowning and just couldn’t. Yet – he took us all down with him. I can’t sort it all out on my own.
New life, your feeling of sadness that you couldn’t save him from drowning and he took you down with him is so true of many of us.
I tried to save my son Patrick from ruining his life, from getting a criminal conviction record, from going to jail, all the things that he was doing to himself.
I wanted to open up his head and pour in my love and the “right words” to keep him from doing these things to himself, to us.
But we can’t save them from themselves. It is impossible.
I read ann article in the paper this morning about a 2 year old who fell into a pool and drown and they found her 65 year old grandmother in there drowned as well, the grandmother couldn’t swim, but she threw herself in the pool in a futile attempt to save the baby.
We are like that grandmother, throwing ourselves into the pool but we can’t save them.
Because we loved them we want the best for them, and somehow we have come to believe deep down that we are responsible for them, but we are NOT, they are NOT babies, and even if they were, once they are drowned there is no use iin throwing ourselves into the pool to drown with them.
I believe that it is imperative for the children to have as much information as is needed to educate them about the sociopathology of the other parent,
It can not come from mom because there is too much he said she said. It has to come from an expert who can explain to them that their tender feelings will be used against them and that they too will be betrayed of they continue to invest in a relationship with a spath parent.
Its dangerous to them to allow them to think daddy’s ok when he isn’t.
And it is very hard.
But the truth is always safer harbor than fantasy. And IMHO, I’d rather explain that than take risks or face the “Why didn’t you tell me” question later on.
The truth needs to be told in age appropriate language and re told at each level of development because the children have to re process it over and over.
They have seen and heard too much not to be given the opportunity to know what is true.
Silvermoon,
I knew it was time to end the marriage when my daughter was 14 and asked me why I still tried to make everything normal. As I learned about narcissism and sociopathy I shared some of it but she already had a sense of the dynamic -just not the diagnosis.
For this reason, she sees a counselor who specializes because he knows our story and can more readily help her.
My son is much more protective of his dad but even so he is able to see his dad’s crazy ways.
He often says he can be a jerk but he loves him of course -“he’s my dad”. Son is the golden child with dad as our daughter does not deal with him – only as absolutely needed which isn’t much. He hurt her too deeply and by nature she has little tolerance of his ways.It is difficult to watch how dad needs our son for attention and praise. And naturally, our son is in awe of his talents and abilities -although he reconizes there is not much follow through on projects and promises.
The hard part of divorce is handing over your kids for parenting time and not being able to protect them anymore or even know what goes on.
Silvermoon your take on things is so good and I am so glad you are here to share them with others. (((hugs)))
I took my kid to a counselor and we talked about what a narcissist / spath / alcoholic is and how to stafe safe around one specifically.
I made sure that kid had a cell phone and knew how to use it.
When my son was older, it was his decision not to go back and he could make it stick.
The only place where he was promised help and didn’t get it has been through the school system. They SUCK! They don’t care about your kid, they care about their jobs. And they take sides. Be very careful in dealing with them. Best way is through and attorney. They listen to lawyers!
Newlife, I have had many many people tell me, “she’s your motherrrrrr you can’t stay mad at her….” or “he’s your SONNNNNN you can’t give up on him, where there’s life there’s hope”
If I had a dollar for every time someone has said one of those two things to me….I’d be REALLY rich! But DNA doesn’t buy anything with me in the way of a relationship these days.
I’ve had people say “the Bible says to honor your parents” well, yes, it does say that, and I HONOR them by becoming the kind of person which/who would bring honor on anyone who was their parent. It just so happens sadly that I can’t honor myself by interacting with the DNA donors.
Just as my adopted son is the SON OF MY HEART, and my DNA sons are not in my life because even though they have half my DNA they have no love for me in their hearts.
OXY,
I can’t imagine the heartbreak you have endured yet show so much love and care here. My relationship with my kids has suffered because of him. I hope someday the kids will understand what I lived through too with their dad – the loneliness, all the work around the house, full time job, bank, laundry, baths, bottles – all of it. It wasn’t ever easy to be a robot and smile. Then the depression that came with all the unraveling of just what narcissism/sociopathy is – the relief to find it wasn’t just me and the grief there was nothing I could do to change any of it.
All followed by the financial deceit and devastation , discovering all the unknown affairs and such ….this was all MY private hell they couldn’t understand.
Now is the fight to rebuild and more strength is needed….so tired of being strong.
I pray my kids grow into healthy adults-even with the scars – that genetics or learned behaviors don’t take over either one of them.
My mom was Borderline/narcissistic which made a lot of my exN seem acceptable. It took me years before I was able to tell her to be nicer when she wanted something from me. Years to set some boundaries -sometimes it worked and sometimes not.
The has definitely not been the love and life I had always prayed for – like most of us here – I wanted only the opposite – to love, have a family , some happiness along the way.
Newlife08:
I happened to log on today and see your name pop up. After the 4 years of hell you’ve been through, I’m glad to see that you finally have some certainty in your life and can begin to plan for your future. If there’s one thing I learned after my S-ex and then being out of work for a year, it’s the not knowing that kills you. Facts, no matter how bad, you can work with, because at least those facts are certainties.
Over the 4 years I’ve been on this site I’ve followed your story and marvelled at how you kept pushing forward. You’re a strong woman, obviously. Also, you’ve got 2 kids who are clearly resilient and take after you. I think your daughter is going to do okay. The fact of the matter is, a lot more people than you think are doing the community college route – a big driver for this is that it seems that most everybody is going to have to go on to grad school anyhow. So, saving money up front is where more and more people are. The fact that a lot of kids don’t realize is that student loans are essentially liens on your brain – every dollar you don’t have to pay back later on gives you more options.
As for the house, yeah, it is more debt than you want at this stage of your life. I’m the same age as you, and when I moved to DC I ended up taking on a mortgage that was 3 times the size I had before. It bothered me until I finally realized that I probably was not going to spend the rest of my life here and by the time I go to sell that I’ll get a decent price for this place. The thing that works in your favor is that it will be YOUR decision if and when you sell. And you will have the certainty that once the house is in your name, you S-ex can’t pull anymore fast ones on you.
And I think your son over time is goingn to come out of this okay. He isn’t blind where his father is concerned. And I suspect over time that he’s going to wake up more and more to what his father is all about. Since we know that S’s are notorious for not keeping their word, I can almost guarantee that over time he’ll start to disappoint your son – cancelling get togethers, showing up late, not showing up at all — and your son will realize that if he invests a lot of energy in his father, he’ll just end up disappointed.
I just finished my 2 year probation at my new job. A fact. I wake up in the morning and no longer worry about the “what-ifs”. There are no guarantees on the future, but, at least I am the one in the driver’s seat as far as my life is concerned and don’t have to deal with that never ending craziness caused by my S-ex.
Look at it another way – at least you don’t have to run a Portugese barbeque with him.
Good luck on your newlife.
newlife08:
Just noticed your concern about your S-ex draining off assets. Have you considered filing your own liens against the properties? That way if any lender comes along and sees you recorded interest, the lender knows that he will have to stand in line behind you. Hence, no money for the S-ex. Or, if you think he’s going to jack you around on selling, go into court and get an order of judicial partition. Basically, this order requires the property be sold and the proceeds split. Again, once that order is out there, a lender will be very reluctant to allow any kind of remortgaging – they’ll only want to make a loan to the future buyer. I’ll shake my head and see what other ideas may fall out.