UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Penny.” She’s been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She’s provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.
1. Stay strong in God!
I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.
2. Do not take their bait!
I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliche, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.
3. Document everything!
Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this.
Read more: Sociopaths and family
When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this).
If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.
4. Request explicit court orders!
I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.
5. If possible, ask the court to arrange exchanges at local police departments!
Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.
6. Have people other than you that you trust and are good people to do the exchange of your child(ren) if possible!
Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.
7. Be cautious in stating that your ex is a sociopath!
Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex of being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.
8. Push for communication between you and the ex to be through email only when you go to court!
Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated).
Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.
9. Push the court for permission to video or tape record exchanges and make sure this is written in the court order!
Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.
10. Get all information straight from the source!
Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.
11. Do not cut the sociopath any slack!
Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.
12. Hire an experienced competent attorney, and if possible one that has experience in dealing with sociopaths or other similar personality disorders!
Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.
13. Trust your gut!
Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but I did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly.
Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions).
I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).
14. Take care of yourself!
Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you.
Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people.
Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable.
Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.
Learn more: Proving parental alienation in court
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 21, 2009.
5 warning signs that your online love is a scammer
This is some of the best advice that I have ever seen for co-parenting with a psychopath. I ihope that Banana and Nic and those others that are co-parenting here will read and take all this to heart!
Great Article!!!!
“10. GET ALL INFORMATION STRAIGHT FROM THE SOURCE! Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.”
I can vouch for the importance of this.
Even though I’ve known a particular cluster B was a serial liar, I’ve things s/he have said on face value. I did so because I thought lying about the matter at hand was illogical or improbable. In many cases, I lacked imagination! S/he was lying, for purposes that only came to light after the cluster B had gotten what s/he wanted. In each case, I felt pretty dumb. “Why didn’t I see that?” I’d ask myself. It retrospect the gambit seemed obvious.
Just because you can’t see why they’d bother to lie about a particular matter doesn’t mean they’re not lying. Independently confirm every little thing they say. If they say “Good morning!”, check your watch.
PS – as for the “motives” of a cluster B –
Sometimes they experience pleasure from having successfully fooled you. I know it sounds crazy, but that’s because they are crazy. Some of them get a little dose of dopamine every time they succeed in misleading someone. It affirms their cherished belief that they are cleverer than the rest of humanity.
So don’t think you can guess when they’re lying or what they will or will not lie about.
The only way I could tell that a particular S was lying was by observing that he seemed pleased as the conversation came to a close. I learned that his flush of pleasure and rush to close the conversation were sure signs that he believed he’d fooled me over something. Then I’d have to go over the conversation and event with a fine tooth comb, trying to deduce what he was so happy about. Rarely did his lies make sense to anyone but him.
Excellent suggestions.
To number 4 I’d add that the orders should be explicit as to leeway times. If your agreement says he is to pick up your child at 5PM, have in there that you are only required to wait 10 minutes, upon telphonic notice that S-ex is running late, and after that time you are permitted to take your child and leave.
To number 5 I’d add that if you can’t do an exchange at a police station, than do it in a very public place which has security cameras. Gas stations and convenience stores are excellent.
To 8 I’d add that any requests for any variation to any parenting/custody/visitation/support agreement should be done via certified mail, return receipt requested. You need to make it as difficult for the S-ex as you can to try to vary things and by doing it via certified mail it gives you wonderful evidence when you have to go back to court.
To 11 I’d add that you must hold the S-ex to the literal terms of the agreement. That means no variations. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Look, I”m the first to admit that I’m a nice person and try to be cooperative. However, with an S-ex you can’t be. If you find yourself wavering, simply ask yourself “would the S-ex extend me the same courtesy?” The answer will be no and you should act accordingly.
Wow, this is right on. This is what people (Ox, Matt, etc.) on here have been telling me. It has been difficult for me in the past to follow their tips but I am now. It’s going 4 weeks strong so far that we haven’t heard from my ex-h and I am enjoying it.
Great article!
Matt (or anyone else with knowlede)-I unfortunately didn’t follow # 4 (explicit court orders). My decree has a dollar amount that my ex is to pay me but we did NOT specify a date. What is a reasonable period? We were divorced on 9/15/09. I was thinking about giving him a notice via certified mail in Jan. and then maybe in Feb. I am hoping he will give me the money when he gets his income taxes. It is a large amount.
nic:
The good ship Hope has sailed and sunk as far as the S-ex is concerned.
Reasonable under most contracts is 90 days. There are two ways to skin this cat.
First, if you are counting on this tax return, I would get very proactive, especially if the money he owes you is for child support If it is, you can attach his tax return. While you could try sending him the letters, I suspect he is going to give you the run around.
I would have your lawyer send him a demand letter and tell him the money is due and payable and he has 30 days to pay or you will be hauling him into court. And then do it. Your lawyer won’t charge you that much for the letter.
Second approach — take a page from our friend, Erin Brock. Go and talk to the judge’s clerk of court and ask him what a reasonable date is and if the judge could provide “clarification”. The judge may be obliging and tell you what his intent was for payment, and if he’s really obliging, issue an order to that effect.
And shame on your lawyer and the judge for not putting a payment date in the agreement.
Thanks Matt. The money owed is for half of my lawyer’s fees not child support. I can’t believe it has been 3 months. I am going to try the certified letter first and see where I get with that. If he doesn’t respond I will have my lawyer do it. I will also call the clerk next week to see if they can give me an answer over the phone. It is a hassle and very cold going to the courts in downtown Chicago. But if they tell me I have to I will. And I agree, shame on my lawyer and me also. Putting a time limit on it never came to my mind until about a month after the divorce but yes my lawyer should have known better.
Thanks for your great advice!
My son is 4. For the past year or so, when taking him on my errand runs, he asks if he can come inside with me. I answer, “of course” every time and explain leaving him in the car by himself is NOT an option. Yesterday was one of such days.
Only this time he said “Daddy leaves me in the car, but he locks it so no one will take me” and reiterated that no one did. I explained that he should never be left in the car alone and asked him to tell daddy that next time it appears he is going to. He had a small melt down and said he didn’t want to say that. I asked him if he wanted me to say something to daddy and he convincingly said “yes”.
So, when the exchange for visitation took place not even an hour later, I confronted his father. I explained, without emotion, that if he didn’t trust the child to go into the store by himself he aught not leave him in the car outside by himself. He denied, in front of my son, that he’d ever left him in the car alone. My son had an almost scary grin on his face, which led me to believe he knew his father was lying and didn’t quite know what to do.
I asked my son if he was being truthful and he said “yes”. Now, I know as well as any experienced parent (I have a 15 year old too) that 4 year olds can’t always be trusted to tell the truth. I also knew I was at a turning point with this triangle. Believe my son or believe his father, the “S”? Not a tough choice…
I turned to his father and said, clearly HE believes you left him alone when you went into the bank and that’s a problem. His father got silent and pretended to rack is brain. “Oh, I know what he’s talking about. Once, when I was at the Credit Union. It was only for a minute and I could see him from outside the window the whole time.” The awkward smile still on my son’s face. “Sorry Bud” he finished with.
Not too surprisingly, after that, my son who was rather excited to visit with his dad had a change of heart and didn’t want to go. And here’s where I went wrong…
I reminded him how excited he was to go and sent him with his father, anyway. All the articles about not forcing your child to sit on Santa’s lap if they’re not comfortable with it because it contradicts the message about not trusting strangers and ultimately breaks down some trust between child and parent…and I pushed my son to go with someone he clearly didn’t trust at that time. I probably could have kept him without argument from his dad, and probably should have!
Now I’ve had an opportunity to process how I’d like to respond when my son outwardly doesn’t appear to feel safe enough to go with his father. I’m sure they’ll be future opportunities to support my son in his becoming aware that his father can’t really be trusted.
I did speak with my son when he got home. I asked if he thought daddy didn’t remember that time at the bank or if he thought his daddy wasn’t being truthful. He said “I don’t think daddy was giving the truth.” I explained telling the truth is VERY important and when he said “but daddy doesn’t” I reminded him he’s not his father.
Duped
Dear Duped,
Your son has an AMAZINGLY GREAT MOM!!!! What a wonderful way to teach your son to tell the truth, and to stand up for himself! WOW! I am so impressed!!!! Both with you and your son!
Your talking with your son afterwards when he came home, and the exchange and young wisdom and insight your son displayed. GREAT!!!
Plus, believing your son against his father’s lies—in front of the son—great as well. so many kids when they tell the truth against a lying adult are disbelieved (and yes, I know kids sometimes tell convenient lies too!) but when they are NOT believed when they are telling the truth I know that hurts to the core. And sometimes we must be Solomon to tell who is telling the truth in a situation of adult vs kid. Your X’s “convenient” stroy of remembering “one time” though is so typical. LOL I’m so glad all this came out so well for your son and for you—-and your son was validated about telling the truth! And learning that truth is not his daddy’s main object! ((((hugs))))