UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Penny.” She’s been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She’s provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.
1. Stay strong in God!
I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.
2. Do not take their bait!
I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliche, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.
3. Document everything!
Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this.
Read more: Sociopaths and family
When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this).
If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.
4. Request explicit court orders!
I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.
5. If possible, ask the court to arrange exchanges at local police departments!
Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.
6. Have people other than you that you trust and are good people to do the exchange of your child(ren) if possible!
Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.
7. Be cautious in stating that your ex is a sociopath!
Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex of being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.
8. Push for communication between you and the ex to be through email only when you go to court!
Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated).
Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.
9. Push the court for permission to video or tape record exchanges and make sure this is written in the court order!
Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.
10. Get all information straight from the source!
Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.
11. Do not cut the sociopath any slack!
Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.
12. Hire an experienced competent attorney, and if possible one that has experience in dealing with sociopaths or other similar personality disorders!
Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.
13. Trust your gut!
Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but I did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly.
Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions).
I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).
14. Take care of yourself!
Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you.
Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people.
Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable.
Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.
Learn more: Proving parental alienation in court
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 21, 2009.
5 warning signs that your online love is a scammer
Duped: That is great your 4 yr.old can understand. Our stories are so similar but I guess everyone’s is when dealing with a S. I am always amazed when I hear about big age gaps with kids because I have a 17 yr. old and a 3 yr. old with my ex. Most people when they ask the ages of my kids give me a big sigh (as if they feel sorry for me) and say “oh my gosh you are starting all over again.”
I believe now that whenever my ex-h is talking then it is a lie. I have never met someone who lies about everything! I am glad at least your ex eventually “remembered” the situation in front of your son.
Our kids are going to be fine because they have wonderful, strong mothers taking care of them.
Thanks for the affirmation, Oxy and nic. I’m fortunate my son is mostly like me and seems only to have inherited what little good he could from his father.
It’s a fine line, knowing when to speak about the other parent in a negative sort of context. It’s frowned upon and even sanctioned as a default line item in custody agreements. I’ve learned with my first (an age difference which in my case is a blessing) the harm that can be done by not countering disapproved of behaviors with the other parent.
I know my youngest is a prime target for his father to exploit. I’m impressed and amazed that at such a young age, my son is able to recognize his father as not quite right. It’s not his driving impression of his father, but it’s a healthy lingering one.
In many instances, parents part because they just can’t make it work but neither is necessarily dangerous; mentally, emotionally or physically. In my case, and I’m sure others on here, the danger isn’t obvious to the bystander; let alone friends and family that are in denial about the truth of the situation.
I am careful not to bash his father or make negative comments about him directly. I address the behavior for what it is and work with my son to distinguish right and wrong outside of the influence of that role model.
I don’t expect most people to understand this delicate and ever so important intervention to insure my son the healthiest, loving, caring, empathetic and giving foundation. I’m so blessed to have such a beautiful, intelligent and wise beyond his years son. I have faith in HIM…and so I send him along for his visits with such.
The greatest gift a parent can give a child is faith…in them! If I’d only had that from mine, I may have never been such a prime target for a sociopath.
Namaste
Duped
Duped,
Your son is so fortunate! To have YOU!!! And I think your addressing of the behavior in such a way is not only appropriate but VALIDATING for your son. He was uncomfortable being left in the car alone. YOU validated that he was RIGHT in his feelings, and then he saw that YOU helped fix the problem and his father LIED about it. DUH!? What a wonderful lesson for the child.
2+2=4 Mommie is concerned for my feelings. Mommie protects me. Daddy is NOT concerned for me, and leaves me in the car, and then LIES about it. Mommie is taking care of me and daddy is not. DUH! Who do I trust? Mommie or Daddy?
That lesson will be hammered home 1,000 times by the time your son is out of grade school, and I think he is already learning who to trust and who not to. Trust is important for kids. He’s learning! What a fortunate kid!
May I gently point out, that in the first point you use a phrase that states this course of action is best done if one believes in a ‘god’. I find that quite insulting, and alienating to those who of use who are not of a christian, or of any other faith for that matter. It’s rather self-centered to assume that your beliefs are those of others, and it’s rather cruel to demand others to believe as you do or expect no change in their situation. I work daily with people who have been abused by religious zealots, in the name of whatever ‘god’ and asking them to read the Bible is certainly not the correct answer for everyone. Be fair to ALL of the members of this forum and to assume that people need to have your faith is completely unrealistic. Some of us, very moral, very ethical people need not rely on religion or anything similar to it. I’ve written to the owner of this forum several times about this alienating behavior, and I am even more concerned that it is now presented as a method of recovery. It isn’t. Clearly.
siennaseenya,
I am not a religious person nor do I have a traditional belief in god. As much as I want to be accepted for that, it is also important for me to accept what works for others. I had an initial reaction such as yours until I kept reading:
“If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.”
I then came to the conclusion the author was trying to express, listing item #1 in importance, it’s important to have faith and take time to listen to your inner guide. In that respect, I totally get why it’s listed and listed as high priority. To me, it’s not about “god” but rather finding peace and listening to your inner self…however you may find it. I don’t pray, but I do find meditation helpful.
I’m not a religious person nor am I a recovering addict but I can’t help but find great wisdom in the following:
*insert name of whatever you call that with gives you strength*
grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Namaste,
Duped
Thanks, Oxy 🙂
I was lucky enough to have the s leave before the baby came. That being said, lovefraud was here to advise me not to put the s on the birthcertificate. Lucky me…the s still writes and promises childsupport checks and visitations (only by email, I accept no other form of communication). Its incredible how honest he sounds…. Its all bs, and whether or not it is true or not doesn’t matter to me. I assume it’s all not true, and move on. About 90 percent is not true; it’s a crazy maker to try and figure out that 10 percent that is true so I don’t try.
Needless to say, I keep all receipts that I spend on the baby. Then if that dreadful day ever comes that he takes me to court, I can say”oh great, now I can get back child support from you.”. Its a threat so he doesn’t try to establish his fatherly rights. And if he does, then I can get his paychecks garnished. Hopefully he won’t do that, but if he does I am ready…
DEAREST BIRD!!!
Just getting a post on LF from you makes my holidays wonderful! Thank you for the present of your presence here! How is my baby Birdie doing? My gosh he must be a big boy now! Pinch his little cheeks and give him a biggggg big hug from his Auntie Oxy!
I am so glad that you found LF, Bird, and that you have recovered your stability and SEE through this monster that your X is.
You talking that 90% of what they say is false and 10% “true” but keep in mind that a lie is a lie is a lie—-AND RAT POISON IS 98% PURE CORN MEAL, AND ONLY 2% POISON, BUT IT WILL STILL KILLYOU IF YOU EAT IT!
So even if there is a little bit of truth in what they say, it is ALL POISON!
With the history of your X, I can’t even imagine that creep trying to establish paternity legally because he would not want to man up and accept responsibility for the Birdie and when the day comes that you find a man who is WORTHY of you and Birdie, that man can legally adopt the Birdie and be a REAL father to him.
My step father legally adopted me because my sperm donor did not want responsibility and though his name WAS on my birth certificate he had never sent my egg donor a single dime, which caused the courts to negate his “parental rights” and so I had a wonderful DADDY who earned every respect from me and was a wonderful parent to me. I am hoping and praying that in time you will find the Birdie a man that is the equal of my DADDY! He deserves it and so do you!
Happy holidays to you and to your darling Birdie!!! ((((hugs))) and my prayers for you both, never ending prayers for you!
As far as the comments about religion… I am spiritual not religious… I attend a Catholic University for the convinence of the location… I replace the word “god” with higher power, other words like universe can be used….if you are not religious…dont get your panties in a bunch over others who believe.. in a GOD… we all have our own ways of dealing , hope faith etc after all this forum is for us to vent about others who think they are “gods gift to the earth” for us to cater to them… the entitled ones….anyhow… I tend to lean towards eastern religions the Tao, buddhism… I can not call myself a buddhist after all I have stepped on ants before and I have killed some bugs etc… but the philosphy is something I aspire to follow….
Bird are you new here…? seems an interesting thing to keep all receipts… I was keeping everything.. started cleanning out the clutter…. my child is 12…. if the scum bag in my case wanted to establish paternity why do it 12 years later? to avoid child support…. he left 3 days before the baby was born if he wanted to be there he would have stuck around to sign his name to the birth of his childs certificate… blessing in disguise!
Money is always a good way to keep an S at bay…if it means coming out of their pockets! My S has to pay support, but it’s not as high as it should be. I keep track of EVERYTHING so, in the event I need leverage, I can always threaten to take him back to domestics and he’ll have to pay considerably more.
I’m not certain you can get back support, except from the date you file. My first ex didn’t pay a cent for 6 years. When I finally filed for support, I was only entitled to back support from the time I filed till he actually paid something; when they took it out of his paycheck.
But just having the leverage is probably enough. The thought of having to share those expenses from any point in time into the future is probably enough to keep him at bay.
I would give up every penny my son gets to be rid of the S!!!! In fact, I’d pay for the privileged!!!