UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Penny.” She’s been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She’s provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.
1. Stay strong in God!
I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.
2. Do not take their bait!
I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliche, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.
3. Document everything!
Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this.
Read more: Sociopaths and family
When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this).
If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.
4. Request explicit court orders!
I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.
5. If possible, ask the court to arrange exchanges at local police departments!
Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.
6. Have people other than you that you trust and are good people to do the exchange of your child(ren) if possible!
Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.
7. Be cautious in stating that your ex is a sociopath!
Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex of being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.
8. Push for communication between you and the ex to be through email only when you go to court!
Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated).
Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.
9. Push the court for permission to video or tape record exchanges and make sure this is written in the court order!
Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.
10. Get all information straight from the source!
Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.
11. Do not cut the sociopath any slack!
Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.
12. Hire an experienced competent attorney, and if possible one that has experience in dealing with sociopaths or other similar personality disorders!
Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.
13. Trust your gut!
Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but I did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly.
Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions).
I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).
14. Take care of yourself!
Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you.
Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people.
Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable.
Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.
Learn more: Proving parental alienation in court
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 21, 2009.
5 warning signs that your online love is a scammer
Dear Spirit,
I was “religiously” abused by my egg donor, who convinced me as a child that she had the “direct pipeline” to God and that if I didn’t do as SHE said that I would go to hell and burn forever. I can remember even as a VERY small child, being terrified of her “god” and his “mind reading vengence.”
It almost turned me against spirituality of any kind, but, as I came out of her FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) I realized that in my opinion, Man (universal man) is a “spiritual” being. That doesn’t in my estimation mean that one must worship ANY “god” or any particular God. But the “moral code” that people adopt in order to live in groups is something above just “get what you want for yourself and to hell with others” which is what the psychopaths believe. It is a sense of what is “right” and “wrong” and what is “good” and “bad.”
If mankind didn’t have some “spirituality” inherent in us, why would ANYONE do anything for anyone else? It would be totally dog-eat-dog in this world. In fact, too many people don’t seem to exercise the spirituality and there are too many people who PRACTICE the dog-eat-dog life style.
In the sacred writings and philosophies of even the early polytheistic writers, there is a spirituality that transends just our mortal lives. I think that spirituality is necessary to our healing and coming to peace within ourselves.
When I read Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book,, “Man’s Search for Meaning” which he wrote as an emotional history of his years in the Nazi death camps, and how he survived emotionally as well as physically after losing EVERYTHING in the world, his wife, his home, his family, his books, his manuscripts, almost his life, he still (though he had no real religious beliefs) found a SPIRITUAL belief that transended his huge losses and his suffering in that prison camp.
Almost two and a half years ago I came to LF from another survivors site in which even the MENTION of any kind of spirituality, especially “I am a Christian” would get you WARNED to shut up about it or risk being thrown off the site.
(it was BTW owned by Sam Vaknin LOL who wrote an article there proving “Jesus was a Narcissist!”) Anyway, I came here because this site is congnisent that there is a spiritual aspect to mankind and to our healing too.
No one here “preaches” to others that “you must believe my spiritual and/or religious beliefs or go to hell”—and no one is abused because their spiritual beliefs do not mesh with anyone else’s. In fact, there is a very wide variety of spiritual subjects and bliefs discussed here in an open and accepting manner.
I find wisdom in the sacred writings of several religions and in several philosopher’s wrtings. Wisdom is where you find it, it doesn’t matter who wrote it or when or for what purpose. If it is uplifting and wise, then it is good in my humble opinion. Even if someone does not believe in any god, or a God, that doesn’t mean that the Bible’s wisdom about how to treat others is bad, or that the precepts of Buddah are bad because I do not subscribe to that philosophy’s totality.
The tolerance and acceptance we find here for our divergent opinons and beliefs is what makes LF special, and wonderful, and healing. If someone is offended by what is posted here, then I think the problem is their intolerance of divergent views, not the views presented here. Donna doesn’t allow abuse, but she fosters a respectful sharing of ideas on a broad range of subjects, including spirituality as a component of healing our souls.
Merry Christmas OxD…I love what you say (great analogy with the rat poison!) You write with great clarity.
duped – In my state you can go for back child support for 6 years back, but you have to have receipts; there is not a yearly sum that will be given, it is based on what was actually spent. I can’t speak for every jurisdiction, but it is well worth getting an experienced family lawyer’s opinion on the matter.
My dear Bird,
Everty day I thank God for the healing you have experienced, I remember so well when you came here, deserted, desperate, dejected after that psychopath left you high and dry while you were 6 months preg with the Baby Birdie!
I watched with great thankfulness and pride as you pulled yourself up by your own boot straps and stood tall with your baby! When you started to feel your strength and the wounds became less raw! You are the “shining star” as far as I am concerned, you have done so much, starting from lower than whale crap and now you FLY! With strength and direction and I am so happy for you! And happy that the creep has no ties on the prescious baby Birdie! How fortunate you are and how fortunate Birdie is that the parasite has no legal claim on him.
I think of you so often and pray that others here will be able to find the strength and determination that you have to make a better life for both yourself and your baby! What a wonderful example you are to every LF blogger!
Thank you for stopping back in and letting me how how you are doing, it really is a great present for my holiday season and makes my heart sinig! Though I will never see his smile, I know that your baby has a wonderful mother and he has an old lady in Arkansas who loves him so much and admires his wonderful and STRONG mother! ((((hugs))) and my prayers for you this holiday season! Love Oxy
OMG-this is good!
I am dealing with my ex S right at my doorstep right now because it’s Christmas and we have a 10 year old son. He thinks he’ll get custody and is going to attempt to do so. Your tips on documentation cannot be better said. I am documenting EVERYTHING. I make notes on my phone, email accounts, anywhere I can and then add them to my master list. This sounds like hyper-vigilance but right now I have to do this in order to ensure my son doesn’t end up with this creep. Example: I found out he asked my son do give him a urine sample for a drug test he has to take. THAT went into my list. Every time I’m sure he’s used drugs, THAT has gone into my list and I have the evidence to back it up as well.
Your point about “killing them with kindness” is something I am practicing as well. IF and WHEN I deal with this creep, I am so nice, I make myself sick, but I know it’s for a good reason. It’s very hard to do this when what I really want to do is something I can’t even write here, but I know many of you know what I mean.
Haven’t been on LF in a few days and am so thankful I was able to see this today.
AWESOME article!
Thank you,
Cat
Dear Ox,
I read what you posted about the divergence on here regarding our personal beliefs in a Higher Power and you are so right on. I’ve been on other forums where it’s such an issue. People lose sight of the main goal, which is to heal, share and grow. They can’t get past the religion thing. LF is so non-judgemental (and haven’t we all had enough of that already?) that I’ve found myself drifting away from those sites and coming here on a regular basis.
My ex P/S was obsessed with religion for a time and all I heard was how I was going to hell because I didn’t do what HE, as the master of the home said. Little did he know I had already discovered I was already there, just by having him in my life.
Cat,
Funny how we can come back here and see just what we need to see on any given day.
I think what you are doing is really important by documenting everything. Him asking for a urine sample from your son….THAT is something that I’m sure you would love to nail him for.
Didn’t you say that your dad used to be a cop? I think I would ask him directly what works best in the “court” room situation to prove the drug use to the judge. Just to make sure you have everything you need and then some.
Deawr Cat,
Some people use religion or religious beliefs as a baseball bat to abuse their victims, does that mean there is no God? I don’t think so, any more than those that use LOVE as a baseball bat to abuse their victims means there is no LOVE!
My egg donor used religion and God as a ball bat to try to control me and make me afraid of God (as she interpreted and judged me in HIS NAME.) Many people respond as I almost did by saying well, then there is NO GOD. I didn’t do that, thanks to my step father who bless his heart was a sincere and non-judgmental and loving person, a true Christian. He loved me. He wasn’t perfect, he didn’t see what she was doing, and many times he failed to protect me from her when he should have, but it was a failure on his part to realize what she was doing. It was not him being part of her abuse. I love and respect and admire this man and always will, he did the best he could, but he was as BLINDED as I was to what she was doing. It never even dawned on him that she COULD lie or that she WOULD lie, or that she was emotionally abusive and religiously abusive, because she CLOAKED it all in her “love” for me. PUKE!
He did the best he could under the circumstances and the one time that she physically abused me, he PULLED HER OFF ME BODILY. He wasn’t perfect, he made mistakes, but I have never ever seen the man do a single MEAN thing or a HATEFUL thing to deliberately hurt someone or to punish them for not doing what HE decreed was “right.” He had great judgment about people, except for my egg donor, and he loved her so much he was blind. I don’t resent him for this, because he was HUMAN like we all are, and she is sneaky and cunning. But he gave me a faith that finally overcame her twisted idea of a vengeful God and I am glad for that. It made me realize that she was “inventing” her own god by taking scripture out of contest and using it as a weapon to try to acheive control and superiority over me.
He never did that. And thinking back kto the things he did for me and with me, that showed his pride in me, in my accomplishments and that he trusted and respected me, they all bring tears of joy to my heart that someone could love a child as much as he loved me and love me as an adult, with all my faults, and still be proud of me.
On the other hand, if I had say been 99.9% perfect (yea, I know, RIGHT! LOL) she would have focused on the .01% of imperfection and berated me soundly for not being perfect. He on the otherhand would have praised me if I had only been 1% “perfect” and have not criticized me for the 99% imperfections. Makes a big difference in your outlook on things.
It is like any child, if you continually tell them what is wrong with them they will feel that they are worthless, but if you focus on the positive aspects of what a kid does, (and I don’t mean ignore totally the other things, especially deliberately mean things) you are going to reinforce the goodness in the child, rather than beat them contiually for their faults.
Because my X-BF-P abused my natural need for a loving relationship, that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in love, I DO, just not with HIM. Just because my egg donor used my belief in God to “put the FEAR of GOD” into me, rather than the love of God, it doesn’t stand to reason that God isn’t real (at least to me) I just SEE Him differently now, I see a spiritual relationship with a loving heavenly father. If when I die and find out that there is no God and I was wrong, so what, WHAT HAVE I LOST by believing in a loviong spiritual heavenly father? Nothing, and in the meantime, it is comforting to me.
I have no PROOF that there is a God or that the one I believe in is Him, so I don’t try to foist my beliefs off on others who don’t also believe, or to pound MY “version” or my “vision” of that spirituality into others, or tell them that their visions are wrong and if they don’t believe like me they are bound for hell.
I read the Bible and other spiritual works for the wisdom and guideance in there for ME, not to “prove” by their words that someone else is going to hell. I want to learn how to live a loving, peaceful and joyful life, and how to be the kind of person I want to be, treating others well, but also not allowing others to treat me poorly.
To be supportive to others, of whatever faith or no faith, in any way that I can be, because to me it IS “more blessed to give than to receive”—but by giving to others (not allowing ourselves to be stolen from, not the same thing) we also GIVE TO OURSELVES something that cannot be bought with money or anything else except true altruism, and to me that is an important part of being a true human being.
The psychopaths cannot have this because they cannot give, even when they “give” gifts or money, they are in reality trying to “buy” what can’t be bought.
I see the many gifts given here on LF ech day with support, caring, compassion and empathy that are more valuable than the “pearl of great price” spoken of in the Bible.
I’ve also learned that trying to “give” to a psychopath is “casting our pearls before swine” because they cannot appreciate the value of the love and gifts that we give them. And, as Jesus said, they will “turn and rend you” just like Henry’s X got mad at him for giving him Christmas gifts! LOL
Dear Cat,
Find out where he is taking the urine drug test, and go oto talk to them, they CAN use HAIR to test and it can’t be faked, it costs a bit more but when I was working for the clinic and we did company drug urine tests, I got them to change over to hair and it was GREAT! It can’t be faked.
I have actually known of people who would cathertize a baby to get clean urine for a test, Then because the urine is temperature tested, they have to keep it warm when they go into the stall. I even knew of one nurse who took urine out of a patient’s catheter bag and inserted it inside her own bladder because she had to be watched while she peed for the test.
These people will do ANYTHING to pass a urine test and it can be beaten. I used to have some guys who would drink so much water the specific gravity of their urine was essentially WATER and I would always refuse to accept it if it wasn’t a certain concentration of real urine and not just 4 gallons of water that they drank the day before! LOL
If you could get the place he has to go for the urine test heads upped and they got a hair sample they might nail him! Good luck.
Hi there!
Wit, yes, my dad was a cop and I have asked him about all of this. He gave me excellent tips for documentation and on that alone, I will win. My other family members don’t know we have talked about this and they won’t. I have the dates and times he’s used. Here’s where my ex I. (I for idiot) was so arrogant and all knowing made a big mistake. He still has his bank statements sent here. Those give times, dates and places as to when and where he withdrew money. I have not said a word about this. I mapquested all of the locations and sure enough, they are right in the middle of the drug neighborhoods in my town. DUH?!? My best bet right now is to be “dumb like a fox” and my father has taught me well.
Ox, I called ahead and let them know he was using a false sample. I was able to do that because he went to the doctor my entire family goes to and one who has been a family friend for a very long time. My ex. has not put 2 and 2 together at all. I spoke to the doctor personally and it was all taken care of. I know the stories of what they will do to pass a urine test. I had not heard about the babies or the nurse’s trick though. I DID hear of one who actually filled an IV bag with urine, tucked it under his arm and somehow ran a tube down so that it LOOKED as though he was giving a urine sample of his own when in reality he was emptying the IV bag. Ick! Yeah, they will go to any length.
I loved what you said about God. The God I’ve come to know is all loving, all knowing, all forgiving and never lets me down. I have asked many times to be given a sign as to what I should do next and have had the gift of having certain things happen that showed me I was on the right path. I grew up Catholic and went to church 6 days a week. My family was very involved in the Catholic church. While I’m not a practicing Catholic today, that taught me the importance of organized religion for some and I respect that. MY ex I. taught me something else entirely. In God’s name, it was OK to verbally abuse, cheat, lie and steal. EVERYTHING was being done in God’s name. In God’s name, it was somehow OK for him not to work, take money for drugs, punish me when there wasn’t enough money and………I could go on and on but you get the picture. I’m quite sure in his mind it’s quite OK to ask his only son to give him urine, which essentially is just another lie. The twisting and turning of the Bible just boggles my mind, yet I have lived through it and today have that God in my life that I trust totally.
OK, henry’s ex got mad because he gave him gifts? How did I miss this?
Hugs!
Cat
Duped,
Leaving a child in the car, no matter how far away you are is a criminal offense.
I wish you got that whole conversation on tape.
I wish I could get dirt that good on my S/P.
Where I live one cannot even leave a child in the car while I they are in their own home!