UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we’ll call “Penny.” She’s been in a custody battle with the father of her child, who she believes is a sociopath. Although Penny has been able to gain full physical and legal custody of the child, and has a restraining order against the father, he still has visitation so Penny must deal with child exchanges. She’s provided the following tips for others who are in similar situations.
1. Stay strong in God!
I know that this is difficult at times because I myself have been tried so much. Go to church regularly and tell the pastor(s) and counselors at your church what you are dealing with and ask them and the congregation to pray for you. Pray and read your Bible. If you are not religious you might want to try this out anyway or meditate to bring peace to your soul. It is absolutely necessary that you find some peace in a situation that is utter chaos and dysfunction.
2. Do not take their bait!
I have read on several websites (including this one), and books like The Sociopath Next Door, by Dr. Martha Stout, and also Without Conscience, by Dr. Robert Hare, that stress this very point. I found this out the hard way and have learned from experience that this only adds to the problem because the sociopath is often trying to get a reaction out of you. Reacting or retaliating against the sociopath only fuels the fire. Although it might sound cliche, one can only truly and successfully fight evil with goodness, especially in this case.
3. Document everything!
Sociopaths (as my ex is) are pathological liars and are bound to contradict themselves in their stories. Thorough logs of all events with the sociopath and also supporting documents such as emails, police documents, medical records, court documents, etc., can all be of help when dealing with a sociopath in a situation such as this.
Read more: Sociopaths and family
When the time is right (sometimes its smart to let time go by so that the sociopath can implicate, perjure, and hang him/herself some more) you might decide to file the appropriate paperwork in court (i.e. Order to Show Cause for custody and visitation, declarations, motions for contempt of court, etc.) and attach the documents that you have been logging and saving as exhibits/evidence to your court papers (you can ask an attorney, paralegal, or family law self help center or other similar groups how to do this).
If you have the financial resources, you might want to consider a deposition as another opportunity to let the animal perjure him/herself some more.
4. Request explicit court orders!
I have found through personal experience that sociopaths will exploit and take advantage of any ambiguity or vagueness in court orders to create complete and utter chaos. You must push for detailed court orders when you go to court to prevent this from happening.
5. If possible, ask the court to arrange exchanges at local police departments!
Doing this eliminates the opportunity of having to interact with the sociopath at your home or his/her home as well as other places that are easy for chaos to occur. Arrive at the exchange early and let the officers know that you are there for a child exchange (make sure you always have the court orders with you so that the police can see it if need be) and you can ask the desk officers if they can monitor the exchange.
6. Have people other than you that you trust and are good people to do the exchange of your child(ren) if possible!
Making yourself as invisible as possible might increase the chances of cutting the sociopath out of your life since he or she will no longer be able to see you sweat. Remember to always stay calm and collected when the sociopath tries to anger you (you can cry and vent in private) even and especially in court.
7. Be cautious in stating that your ex is a sociopath!
Many people, including the courts, child welfare organizations, lawyers, etc., are not familiar with this devastating disorder and as a result do not know how to respond properly to the warning signs (as many of us did not know how to until we were caught in a complex web of deception). Therefore, focus on proving the behavior of the sociopath in court using the strategies I suggested earlier and do not accuse your ex of being a sociopath in court. They will not take this seriously since you are probably not a professional licensed to make such a diagnosis.
8. Push for communication between you and the ex to be through email only when you go to court!
Communication using this vehicle of communication helps to eliminate the possibility of he said/she said. Websites such as www.ourfamilywizard.com are excellent because they provide an opportunity for you to communicate with your ex via email and all the communication is safe and secure and can easily be printed out (all emails also include the date and exact time the emails were sent and viewed by the other party and also include the time any printed emails are generated).
Also, the website allows you to input your parenting schedules, input medical information for the child, and offers a journal, free children’s accounts to the child(ren) involved and can also offer professional accounts for minor’s counsel and possible others to oversee the account and monitor what is going on.
9. Push the court for permission to video or tape record exchanges and make sure this is written in the court order!
Doing this helps to eliminate any possibility for potential chaos.
10. Get all information straight from the source!
Do not rely on any information the sociopath provides you. Always verify all information concerning the child or children with their doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. If possible have the child(ren’s) doctors, teachers, counselors, etc. document all information they give you.
11. Do not cut the sociopath any slack!
Record and document any and all violations of court orders. Recording these violations may be helpful when you go to court.
12. Hire an experienced competent attorney, and if possible one that has experience in dealing with sociopaths or other similar personality disorders!
Child custody cases involving sociopaths are complicated and need the skill, experience, and know-how of a professional.
13. Trust your gut!
Oftentimes, we doubt our intuitions when we shouldn’t. In my personal experience I found that there were warning signs but I did not respond to them as I should have because I took the signs lightly.
Likewise, when I was drawn into my ex’s net of deception and chaos, I knew something was wrong, and attempted to explain what I believed was wrong with my ex to my previous attorney, but the attorney did not understand and discouraged me from engrossing myself in research. She stated that doing so could help me to become emotionally and mentally unstable (the attorney did not have experience in dealing with such complex personalities and so did not know how to properly respond to my ex’s actions).
I later decided to trust my gut and continued with my research. Through research, trial and error, I have learned how to better deal with my ex and I do not respond to his baits (my ex has accused me of being a sociopath and has falsely accused me of harassing him).
14. Take care of yourself!
Living well is truly the best revenge. As difficult as it may be, try not to let the sociopath make you a bitter, angry, mean person. Remember the ultimate goal of the sociopath is to frustrate you.
Enjoy your child(ren) while they are with you and let them know that you love them. Listen to them and model what real love looks like while they are in your care. Let them see you in loving relationships with other people.
Criticize their actions and not them in private and DO NOT talk badly about the other parent in their presence (this can give the other parent an opportunity to bring parental alienation charges against you); instead you can let them know that actions like the ones their parents are exhibiting are wrong and hurtful to others and that this behavior is undesirable.
Also, don’t forget to eat (like I have in the past), exercise, sleep, and laugh! Do not under any circumstances allow the sociopath to rob you of your ability to laugh.
Learn more: Proving parental alienation in court
Lovefraud originally posted this article on Dec. 21, 2009.
5 warning signs that your online love is a scammer
Dear Cat,
Maybe you can get the doctor to requeist a hair test next time. That would nail him completely. Or call him in for an unscheduled test–oh the lab messed up the sample, we will have to redo, come in NOW.
Yea, I “can’t believe” the nurse one of putting another’s urine (nasty out of a urine collection bag) into her own bladder! But I know it is true!!! YUK!!! Anything!!! No matter how vile or repulsive or risky.
I’m glad your dad is advising you, that is great! Great resource. Love Oxy
Merry Christmas and happy holiday! I hope the s stays away from us all in 2010.
Happy Holidays to all! Like Bird, I hope the sociopath in our lives stay away from us all in the coming year and forever!
Siennaseenya,
I must start off by saying that my intentions on this website were not to offend or alienate anyone. As a person who is co-parenting with such a disordered person, I know first hand the alienating behavior that such a person inflicts on his/her victim continuously on a regular basis and as such, I know that the last thing that victims of such disordered people need is more alienating behavior. I know first hand the pain, frustration, anger, and emotional trauma that comes along with dealing with such a disorded personality. This is why I shared what works for me. I never demanded of anyone that they must share my faith in order to heal from their experience, nor was it my intention to do so. In fact as Duped mentioned, this is why I offer an alternative suggestion such as meditation to help those of you out there who do not share my faith. If reading the Qu’ran or other religous texts will help you or others out there gain inner peace in a situation that is filled with utter chaos and confusion, then by all means do so. The ultimate goal is to find peace and not to get caught up in divisive or distracting dialogue. Remember the ultimate goal of this website (which is my ultimate goal as well) is to teach people to recognize and heal from the sociopath.
Matt,
Great additions! I forgot to add to my 4th point that it is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARRY TO HAVE GRACE PERIODS SPELLED OUT IN COURT ORDERS. For example, in mine, we have grace periods of 30 min., so if my ex fails to call the police station and request an officer to inform me that he is running late (since he is restrained from me, we do our exchanges at the police station) or notify me by email that he will be late, I wait for him for 30 min. Once his 30 min. is up, his visitation period is considered cancelled and I get documentation from the police showing that I was there at the appropriate time and waited for him and that my ex did not show for his visitation. This helps to prevent my ex from saying that I wasn’t there or bringing the cops to my place.
Secondly, I would like to add that I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THAT ALL COMMUNICATION WITH THE SOCIOPATH TAKE PLACE VIA EMAIL! AGAIN I STRONGLY RECOMMEND THE OUR FAMILY WIZARD.COM WEBSITE http://www.ourfamilywizard.com. Please ask the judges hearing your cases to order that you and your exs open an account with the website. There is a cost involved (you have to pay $100.00 a year to maintain your subscription to the website or $179.00 every 2 years to maintain your subscription every 2 years), but it’s worth it. The emails (which are admissable in court) allow the court to see the type of personality you are dealing with (sociopaths can not help what they are). In addition the website offers interesting articles for parenting including articles for high conflict parenting. I do want to offer a word of caution and this is basically to make sure that your communication with the sociopath is brief and all business without emotional overtones. Make sure the communication is only about the kids and provide the BARE MINIMUM of information about the kid(s). Only give the sociopath information about the kids that is ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. Do not allow the sociopath to distract you and NEVER GIVE THE SOCIOPATH ANY INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR LIFE OR THE LIVES OF YOUR LOVED ONES!
If an S parent consistently lies (twice just this week) in front of their child and in a way that is noticed by the child, what impact might this have on the child’s moral reasoning? How does the healthy parent combat this problem without bad mouthing the other parent? How does a child learn when not to trust if one of the people they trust, and should trust, the most is not truthful?
My four year old’s “best” friend is much like his father; inconsistent, dishonest and selfish. Should I be worried?
Duped
Banana,
It doesn’t matter if I got it on tape or not, it’s in our son’s head. Besides, I won’t get him less visitation then he already has without risking him getting more! And THAT I can’t risk!
I put in for a new position at my place of employment that, if I’m offered AND accept, will give me good excuse to move my son far enough from his father to impact visitation during the school week. THAT is probably my best bet to minimize exposure.
The sad thing is, I really like where I live and my current position. I have LOTS of schedule flexibility, work 10 minutes from home, mostly do my work out of my house and like the people I work with and for. I’ve been in this position and home for SEVEN years!!!! But may have to sacrifice it, up root my other son and take on significant responsibility at work just to save my youngest from his messed up father!!!
Then, I wonder, would he even be better off? Is he better off with more of me and more of his father or less of us both? That seems to be the potential trade off.
I just got caught up! Took some time off from the site to focus on everything BUT my S woes.
Read the stuff on the drug tests. My ex is expected to submit to random drug testing, which he has to pay for, on a monthly basis. This was after he swore he wasn’t using and I tested him and he came up positive. So he came up with this solution so he could see our son.
Here’s the deal, though. He supposedly submits to urine testing through a legitimate agency and then the results are sent to him, via email, in a secure PDF fashion…which he then forwards on to me via email with the password.
Now, in most circumstances, this would seem an acceptable and reliable solution. However, my S is a systems guy who’s already been arrested for using a key logger to illegally obtain my user credentials and transfer large sums of money out of my personal bank account via electronic methods. What’s to stop him from spoofing the IP address of the legitimate drug testing agency, cracking one clean PDF result and then repackaging it, securely, with an updated date and new case number???????
It’s been a year since this solution was devised. Which means he’s up for his annual renewal, which costs money. I don’t imagine he’ll sign up for another year without asking me first if it’s necessary…unless, of course, it’s not costing him a cent cause he’s not really doing it.
Since my son says his father, who rents a one bedroom apartment at the top of an old firehouse, is a “roof fixer” cause he’s been climbing the “black stairs” (aka fire escape) to fix roof shingles…I’m inclined to think he’s still using. The man has never worked a day of construction in his life! And, he’s climbing up there when he’s alone with our son…which makes it impossible to wish he’d fall…cause he’d leave our son alone in that apartment at the top of many an unsafe stairway on a busy city street!!!!
Fun, isn’t it????
Duped
My four year old just got out of his second time out in 24 hours for lying. Hmmmm…any coincidence????
Why are they reckless not only with their own lives they do not care who elses lives they are reckless with…children ? driving and doing whatever they want in front of them… mine while drunk tried to show my son the last web page he was viewing it was porn… I stopped it but he has no values morals no shame no guilt and not a care in the world…….. asshole… scum bag
Spirit 40,
I share your frustration but have stopped asking “why”…since to understand insanity would be insane. My questions now are related to “how”. How does one raise the next generation to not be as messed up as their predecessor?
Duped
Banana: confused by your post and concerned – you don’t know where he has taken your son?
and not to bother with a PI for what?